


Because Humans' Can Swim!

by verzisphere



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Timeline, F/F, Hermaphroditic Trolls, M/M, Mpreg, Oviposition, Teen Pregnancy, Xenobiology
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-01-07 16:16:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 30
Words: 150,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1121927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verzisphere/pseuds/verzisphere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There exists a different timeline where John accepts Jade’s offer to jump through her and join Dave, Karkat, and the others on their three year journey on the meteor. Through some twist in the fabric of time, space and at least three other metaphorical abstractions, John and Karkat become boyfriend…matesprit… things and do boyfriend-matesprit stuff. Now suddenly Karkat isn’t feeling well? Both species will end up learning a few things that they may not have wanted to about Troll Biology.</p><p>Also contains weird bullshit science, gratuitous switching of POV, weird game mechanics, teenagers totally having sex, prankster shenanigans, dumb kids being dumb, stupid portmanteau words where I try to be clever, and many other things that may or may not have to do with alien boy pregnancy. Tags specific to the chapter will be listed in beginning notes!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so finally found the time to get around to editing and reposting this (though it’ll be piece by piece at a non-specified pace). If you want to read everything that's already been written, read it on the kinkmeme:
> 
> http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/8447.html?thread=34605055#cmt34605055

**== > John: Open Memo**

CEB RIGHT NOW opened memo on board BUBBLE HOPPING METEOR BROS  
CEB: hey guys i want to you talk about something  
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CTG: im sure we all figured that out dude  
CTG: thats kinda what memos are for  
CEB: shut up, dave!   
CEB: wait where’s everyone else?   
CEB: i want everyone present besides karkat before we actually start.  
CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CTT: I’m sure they’ll arrive shortly.   
CTT: We’ve got time since Karkat is with his moirail as we speak, but starting without them should be fine since they can just read and catch up once they do join.  
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC]  RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CGC: TH1S 1S 4BOUT K4RK4T R1GHT?  
CEB: yes! but we’re still waiting for kanaya  
FUTURE grimAuxilatrix [FGA] 2 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.   
FGA: I Must Apologize For My Lateness I Guess   
FGA: I Became Too Engrossed In My Work And Completely Missed The Allotted Time Frame For This Discussion.  
CTT: I think it’s of little consequence given the nature of memos.  
CEB: what rose said considering you’re here and all, or will be here or whatever.  
CURRENT wizenedVisionary [CWV] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CWV: greetings children –IVI/-\Y()&  
CEB: er… who the hell is this?  
CGC: >:?  
CGC: WHOS M1ST3R BL4CK L1COR1C3?   
CTG: guys chill its just the mayor  
CTG: i alchemized a computer for him  
CTT: I presume that you picked out his chumhandle?  
CTG: you presume correctly lalonde  
CTT: Ah.  
CTG: but he came up that signature thingy himself  
CTG: he just passed some crazy laws and regulations  
CTG: delegating city funds in a such a sick way that only one who has truly envisioned prosperity for his people can  
CTG: the citizens kneel in adulation of his mayorly presence and he raises a magnanimously carapaced hand  
CTG: fuck that he tells the prostrating masses  
CTG: im not a goddamned king  
CTG: kings are jokes  
CTG: i am the FUCKING MAYOR of this bitch   
CTG: rise my people  
CTG: and they do so anaskjfhsk  
CTG: ow what the hell terezi quit hitting my keyboard  
CEB: uh…  
CGC: COOLK1D! SHUT TH3 H3LL UP  
CGC: DON’T TELL OUR FOR3IGN N31GHBORS ALL TH3 C1TYS 4FF41RS!  
CTG: like they can do anything with the fucking amazing city militia trained on our awesomely drawn chalk battlegrounds  
CEB: dave are you ok?  
CTG: spending two years on a meteor hurtling through a void filled with big ugly things floating around in darkness isnt good for any teens mental health  
CEB: good point.  
FGA: Shouldnt We Be Getting Back To The Topic At Hand  
CEB: right right.   
CEB: so who has an idea why karkat is not being so… karkat?  
CEB: i’m worried about him  
CTG: cut the crap egbert everyone knows its your fault  
CEB: what???  
CTG: you broke karkat  
CEB: lies!  
CTT: John, I’d have to agree with Dave.  
CEB: explain yourself!  
FGA: You Must Admit Since You Have Become His Matesprit His Outbursts Have Been On the Decline  
FGA: And The Average Decibel Level On The Meteor Has Also Lowered  
FGA: I Find It Rather Fortunate That You Balance Him Out So Well  
CWV: I agree. The loud, stubby gray child is much less boisterous. –IVI/-\Y()&  
CTG: hes less fun to screw with though  
CEB: you guys are nuts!   
CEB: i don’t think that’s the problem at all.  
CTG: of course it isnt  
CTG: its because you rocked his meteor with some tender derpy lovin  
CEB: more lies  
CGC: JOHN PL34S3  
CGC: 1 C0ULD SM3LL TH3 C4NDY R3D G3N3T1C M4T3R14L 4LL TH3 W4Y 1N MY R3SP1TEBLOCK  
CGC: YOU TOT4LLY BROK3 K4RKL3S W1TH YOUR W31RD HUM4N BULG3  
CGC: >;]  
CEB: my bulge is NOT weird!  
CGC: BOTH OF YOU 4LSO SM3LL3D 4 L1TTL3 R3D FOR L1K3 THR33 D4YS STR4IGHT 4FT3R TH3 F4CT.  
CEB: are you being serious?  
CGC: 1 4SSUR3 YOU  
CGC: 1 4M QU1T3 S3R1OUS  
CEB: dammit…  
CEB: that was my bad.   
CEB: he missed the bucket.  
CTG: dude  
FGA: Oh My  
CGC: OH GOG YOU GUYS 4R3 P4TH3T1C!!!   
CGC: H4H4H4H4H3H3H3H3H4H4H4  
CGC: COOLK1D H3LP MY L4UGHT3R 1S CULL1NG M3.  
CTT: At a half hearted attempt to steer this cross-culturally vulgar conversation back to the topic I’d like to add that troll anatomy differs greatly from our own.   
CTT: Are you certain you did not injure him when you…  
CTT: rocked his meteor?  
CEB: oh my god rose you are not helping!   
CEB: i’m done talking about that, i shouldn’t have said anything in the first place!  
CWV: I do not know what rocking someone’s meteor entails –IVI/-\Y()&  
CWV: but I politely request that whatever our dear boy John has done that he’d continue. –IVI/-\Y()&  
CWV: The stubby gray child unsettles me with his frequent tirades about how I lack the qualifications to hold my office. –IVI/-\Y()&  
CWV: It’s so outrageous –IVI/-\Y()&  
CTG: don’t worry  
CTG: im sure egbert would gladly continue  
CEB: please don’t tell karkat you guys know.  
CEB: he will EAT me .  
CEB: if he doesn’t die first from embarrassment, that is.  
CTG: bro i bet youd enjoy that  
CEB: BLUH!!!!!   
CEB banned CTG from responding to memo.   
CGC: XD  
CEB: this memo has all of the seriousness.   
CEB: all of it.  
CTT: Was that even necessary?  
CEB: nope  
CEB: now besides the fact that he doesn’t flip his shit every five minutes anymore  
CEB: did anyone else besides me notice he is acting weird in a DIFFERENT way?  
CGC: H3 D3F1N1T3LY SM3LLS 4ND T4ST3S D1FF3R3NT  
CTT: How so?  
FGA: Did He Taste Like He Was Ill  
CGC: NO 1TS H4RD TO 3XPL41N 1TS NOTH1NG 1 T4ST3D B3FOR3   
CGC: 1T F33LS F4M1L14R THOUGH  
FGA: That Is Still Worrisome  
CEB: Did you guys also notice he’s like, hungry all of the time.   
CEB: and im sure he eats most of those cupcakes i make, unless you guys don’t eat any.   
CEB: which means he eats all of them because i sure as hell don’t eat them.  
FGA: I’m Curious To Why You Are Baking So Many  
FGA: Especially Since You Hold Such Ire Towards Both Them And The Purveyor Of Their Basic Ingredients.   
CEB: not now kanaya this is supposed to be about karkat!  
FGA: Right My Apologies  
CTT: Maybe he has fallen into a bout of depression.  
CGC: H34R TH4T JOHN?   
CGC: YOUR W31RD HUM4N BULG3 D3PR3SS3D K4RKL3S.  
CEB: i’m not listening, terezi!  
CGC: H3H3H3H3  
CEB: maybe rose could try her psychoanalytical thing on him?  
CTT: I especially doubt that he would allow that to happen.  
FUTURE tentacleTherapist [FTT] 1 HOUR FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FTT: Definitely try it. He caved quite easily.   
CTT: Oh shit  
FGA: That Is Admittedly Quite a Surprise.   
CTT: My enthusiasm has been kindled.   
CTT: I think I shall embark on this endeavor with all due speed.   
FTT: I shall report my findings here in this same memo.  
CTT: Understood.   
CTT: Now to perform my duty to keep the timeline stable and pick apart some angry troll psyche.   
[CTT] ceased responding to memo.  
CEB: okay wow  
CEB: i’ll never understand why karkat hates talking to future people in memos  
CEB: soooooooo convenient!   
CEB: so what did he tell you?  
FTT: It wasn’t what he said so much as what I gleaned from his responses and body language.   
FTT: I cannot rule out the fact that he isn’t physically ill, because he doesn’t look all that well to be honest.   
FTT: But something psychological is definitely going on.   
FTT: He didn’t reveal or insinuate that he knew what’s causing the change, though.   
FTT: Then he did total one eighty and proceeded to tell me to stuff my psychoanalytical bullshit up some obscurely named orifice.   
FTT: Or something to that effect.  
CGC: SOUNDS L1K3 HIM.  
FTT: I was actually quite surprised he divulged as much as he did instead of dismissing me in his usual manner from the get go.   
FTT: All I can really recommend is that we keep an eye on him because it has definitely gotten worse as time went on from the point whatever ails him took hold.  
CEB: so i guess we just keep an eye on him  
CGC: >:0  
CEB: and noses too!  
FGA: Duly Noted  
CWV: I will perform my mayoral duty and keep my optical carapace orifices unclamped –IVI/-\Y()&  
CEB: well thanks everyone!   
CEB: i now have cupcakes to tend to.

CEB closed memo. 

 

**== > Be Karkat**

You are Karkat Vantas, and you stared at the flickering husktop screen, resting your head in your hand. Something was off. Something had felt off for the last couple weeks and you could not for the life of you figure what the fuck it was. You’ve had this constant headache and the infinite red, swirling monsoon that is your rage hasn’t been as… infinite and swirling as it usually was. Your determination has dwindled and your insults and comebacks have all lost some edge. 

Earlier, on your way back from checking on Gamzee, you even let Rose pick at your sponge with that typical therapist’s ruse for concern for a while before dismissing her in your usual manner. You never let that happen! 

_Never._

 

**== > Karkat: Open Memo to consult future self**

CCG RIGHT NOW opened memo on board REALLY CAN’T GIVE A FUCK  
CCG: UGH OKAY GOTTA GET THIS OVER WITH  
CCG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I WANNA DEAL WITH THIS  
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 532 HOURS AGO responded to memo.   
PCG: HEY ASSHOLE, WHAT’S THIS ABOUT?   
CCG: HERE WE GO.   
PCG: ???   
PCG: IS THERE A PARTICULAR REASON YOU OPENED THIS MEMO OR ARE YOU JUST WASTING TIME?   
CCG: …  
PCG: I BET YOU JUST OPENED THIS TO ANTAGONIZE ME YOU ASSHAT  
CCG: OH WAIT, I WAS SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. I ALMOST FORGOT.   
CCG: I JUST HAVE TO SAY  
CCG: HUMANS ARE   
CCG: FUCKING   
CCG: AMAZING  
PCG: BULLSHIT  
PCG: WHAT MAKES THEM SO GOGDAMN AMAZING?   
CCG: YOU’LL FIND OUT  
PCG: WAIT, WHAT?   
PCG: DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH EGBERT?   
CCG: YES, GIVE THE GENIUS A PRIZE! OF COURSE IT HAS TO DO WITH EGBERT.   
CCG: BLUH MY THINK PAN IS THROBBING.   
PCG: QUIT BEING SO FUCKING CAGEY AND JUST TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TELL ME!   
CCG: …   
CCG: I DIDN’T OPEN THIS JUST TO TELL MY DOUCHEBAG PAST SELF SOMETHING THAT REALLY DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING MATTER AND  
CCG: I DON’T THINK I WANT TO.   
PCG: UGH!!!!!   
CCG: OKAY FINE!   
CCG: ALL I’M GOING TO TELL YOU  
CCG: IS THAT EGBERT  
CCG: OH GOG.   
PCG: FUCKING SPIT IT OUT OF YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE!   
CCG: YOUR NOOK  
CCG: WILL FEEL SO MANY WONDERFUL THINGS.   
CCG: THAT BULGE   
CCG: MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLES

You couldn’t help but shudder in pleasure when you remembered that night, completely ignoring the fact that you sounded a bit too much like Gamzee. It was the first time for both of you, and what a first time it was. Your meteor has never been so rocked. Of course, Egbert nearly fucked it up completely, but he managed to somehow turn it around before fucking up _again_. However, the second fuck up wasn’t nearly as much of an issue, if not just cleaner than the first fuck up as far as you were concerned. (Hehe, Pchooo.)

You also remembered how you stared in utter disbelief the first time you participated in this conversation. John had been your matesprit for months so you know for a fact that you were just being your usual angry, contrary self the last time you spoke to… um… yourself.

You reached out to your left to grab the sweet monstrosity that is known as a “cupcake” and take a large bit out of it as you wait for your past self’s response.

PCG: WHAT?   
PCG: PLEASE GET UP FROM WHAT I’M GOING TO ASSUME IS WORSHIPPING EGBERT’S INFERIOR HUMAN BULGE AND START MAKING SOME GOD DAMN SENSE.   
PCG: I CANNOT POSSIBLY BEGIN TO MAKE MY SPONGE PROCESS HOW HUMANS CAN, IN ANYWAY, BE AMAZING BESIDES FOR THE FACT THEY CAN SHOOT UP TO OBSCENE HEIGHTS IN LESS THAN A SWEEP LIKE SOME ADOLESCENT MUTANT NECKBEAST.   
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 69 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.   
FCG: BLUH  
CCG: CUT THE BULLSHIT. YOU AND I BOTH KNOW   
CCG: OKAY NEVERMIND. THAT’S MY CUE. HAVE FUN, NOOKSTAIN.   
CCG banned PCG from responding to memo.   
CCG: FUCKING FINALLY.   
CCG: I WAS HOPING YOU COULD SHED SOME LIGHT ON WHY I’VE BEEN FEELING LIKE UTTER SHIT THE PAST WEEKS.   
FCG: SO MUCH BULLSHIT  
FCG: YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA.   
FCG: THAT IS ALL I’LL SAY ON THE MATTER.   
FCG banned himself from responding to memo.  
CCG: THE FUCK?   
CCG: RUDE! 

CCG closed memo

Well, then. That was a complete and utter waste of your time. You really should’ve seen that coming, but you still hoped future you would reveal more about this… strangeness you’ve been feeling lately. Now you wish you had a pile set up, or at least one of those things humans sleep on. The only sleep you get is the occasional nap (read: passing out) at your husktop or the few occasions where John drags you off to his room, wraps his strong arms around you, and you both drift off into a comfortable slumber. But right now, you just want to curl into ball until the throbbing between your horns either stops, or kills you. 

You finished the last bit of your pastry. John abhors the things, but he keeps making them! Why would he keep making the things if he hates them so god damn much? The guy makes no sense to you, no matter how many times you try to figure out the inner workings of his think pan.

Licking your palm of any remaining traces of creamy icing, you stood up and adjusted the waist of your pants. The stupid cupcakes were fucking delicious, and you were partaking in their sweet medley on a regular basis (mostly because John keeps making them, but whatever) and you were just craving the things lately. 

You needed another one.

 

**== > Find the Pastry Producing Egbert**

Exiting the computer lab, you made your way to the food preparation block, paying no more attention than a passing glance at Dave, Terezi, and the Mayor doing whatever the hell they do in the room that’s scribbled from wall to wall in various colored chalks.  
Well, that’s what you would’ve done if Dave wasn’t already on the way out. Right as he passed the door, the blonde t-boned you in the hallway. Your smaller frame nearly ran into the wall, but you managed to catch yourself and send him the customary angry, yellow eyed glare.

“Sup,” Dave greeted in his usual monotone nonchalance. The two of you stared fiercely at each other and you felt that familiar, bubbling rage well up inside. You opened your mouth to say _WHY DON’T YOU FUCKING WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING, NOOKSUCKER…_ or something within that ballpark. Yes, you were definitely going to let him have it. Your words were daggers, ready to be thrown at vital points to cause the most emotional hemorrhaging possible (this is Strider, you remember, but the intent is still there). 

Then the fury fueling the impending response vanished. 

It flared up like flame someone threw a splash of gasoline into it, but died down to a low, near non-existent flicker just as quickly, maybe more so, than it started. Dave, with hands in his jean pockets, raised an expectant eyebrow. You simply turned and continued walking, mumbling incoherently to yourself. 

 

**== > Dave: Be Surprised**

You are Dave Strider, and you do not have enough fucks to give to be surprised. However you still weren’t totally expecting that. Even when Karkat’s in a good mood (which only happens when a baby laughs for the first time during the alignment of three-fourths of some random planetary system while being a Thursday, according to your research), Karkat would’ve went off on anybody who had bumped into him.  
Terezi and the Mayor looked out into the hallway and saw the other troll heading away from them.

“Karkles didn’t flip his shit,” the blind troll observed.

“He did not,” you agreeably added. “Definitely no fun anymore.” 

You used to be able to rely on getting your daily dose of angry troll. At some point, you just found it the most ironic thing ever that a troll was the easiest person on the meteor to actually troll. Then it was hilarious, and then it was just a part of the normal swing of things, being on the receiving end of one of Karkat’s tirades. Your days felt strangely lacking when they started becoming rarer. 

The three of you each took a mental note of the occurrence and you seemed to have forgotten what you were leaving for. It didn’t really matter. If it was important it’d come back to you. So you joined the other two back to continue whatever the hell you guys do in that room.

 

**== > Karkat: Open door to food preparation block. **

You do so and you are greeted with the sickly sweet aroma of freshly made cupcakes. The big derp, humming cheerily to himself, had just pulled another batch right out of “oven,” he calls it. You decide to pay him no mind and head straight for one of the already cooled and iced cupcakes on the counter.

 

**== > John: Greet your boyfriend/matesprit**

You turned and nearly jumped when you noticed Karkat helping himself to another one of your sugary confections. You wondered how many he’s had so far in the last twenty four hours. 

“Hey, there,” you greeted with your usual chipper tone and buck-toothed smile. He merely glanced at you, acknowledging your presence before biting into the pastry. He chews for a second and looks down at the cupcake.

“Why,” he began rather nervously, “is this cupcake red inside?”

“It’s red velvet. You don’t like it?” 

Karkat shook his head and takes another bite. “It’s good. But what’s in it?”

You could tell your face lit up at that simple compliment by the way the troll furrowed his brow at you. It was particularly uplifting since you made the cupcakes completely from scratch with a bit of help from _Baking for Assholes_ , which you somehow managed to alchemize by combining another book from the series and a normal cookbook. Fuck Betty Crocker and her cake mixes. You’re received tutelage from a more acceptable, albeit ornery, master.

“Red velvet is-“

“Wait I don’t think I want to know,” the troll interjected.

“Calm down, it’s just chocolate with red coloring. Geez!”

“Oh,” Karkat mumbled, looking a mite foolish. “I thought you put something dead in it since everything on your planet has red blood.”

“Ew, no! Why would you even think that?” 

You couldn’t keep yourself from throwing him an amused smile. You set down the tray you had in your hands and removed the oven mitts as you watched your boyfriend finish off that cupcake and reach for another. 

Karkat then starts talking in between bites. “Why do you keep making these damned things if you can’t stand them?” The question caught you off guard (even though you were expecting it to come eventually) and your smile wavered a bit. It takes you a moment to mentally prepare yourself before you answer.

“Remember how my dad used to bake all of the time?” He nodded and bit again into the treat. You had his full attention and you could feel his yellow eyes on you. “Lately, I’ve been thinking about him. Baking makes me feel better I guess.” You lean forward on your elbows and look down forlornly at your creations. “I miss him so much and I kind of wished I appreciated him more, even if he made horrid cakes all day.” 

Karkat kept quiet, understanding that your father was still a touchy subject. You quickly stood up straight and lifted your glasses to wipe away any moisture from your eyes with the back of your hand. You turned to him with a warm grin. 

“Now I think I understand why my dad baked so much. Maybe he did it because he missed my nanna. She baked all the time when she was alive, too. Hell, she still bakes a bunch of crap after she got prototyped. I bet Jade is up to her nook in cakes and cookies!” You giggled at your own choice in vocabulary while Karkat made a noise that almost sounded like choking before biting into the cake again.

For a while, you stood there, watching your matesprit eat with that half-scowling face that signified that he was processing stuff in his “think pan.” It looked more endearing than it usually did with a mouth full of cupcake. 

You suddenly felt that you needed a hug. 

You maneuver yourself behind the shorter boy and wrap your arms loosely around his middle. He stiffens initially, but quickly loosens up, leaning ever so slightly against your chest. You’re happy he’s gotten more comfortable with your surprise displays of affection. He grumbles something under his breath, but you don’t pay it any mind. None at all.

 

**== > Karkat: Abscond from John’s Embrace**

Why would you do that? This is nice.

By this point, you were used to John’s affectionate gestures. The taller boy rested his chin on your shoulder and nuzzled his cheek against yours. Trolls weren’t all this touchy feely, even between matesprits, but you’ve long decided that you like this. Human affection is _the best_ affection.

“You’ve been really mellow lately,” he whispered softly with the slightest hint of concern in his voice. “You feeling okay?” 

You shrugged. John chuckled as if he was expecting that sort of answer and tightened his grip around your waist. A sound of contentment escaped your lips when you swallowed the last of that red velvet cupcake, and you reached for yet another. John watched curiously as you start on it then glanced downward. You noticed and followed his bespectacled gaze.

His hands crept under your shirt and caressed your midsection. “Heheh, you’re tummy’s getting big. Maybe you should slow down on the cupcakes?”

“I don’t like you insinuating that I’m fat,” you snarled. John didn’t seem to notice as he rubbed, poked, and prodded your belly. You’ve always had a bit of a tummy, but it probably didn’t help that you’ve been screwing around on a meteor for a sweep chomping on cupcakes. 

“Okay, that’s enough,” You protested, trying to shrug him off of you. You failed horribly. “Cut it out!” John only giggled and continued to poke you.

“Smile for me,” he said innocently into your ear.

“No!” Matesprit or not, you smile when you damn well pleased. Which people tend to think is almost never.

Egbert, ever the strange one, always surprised you the way he can flip from being so sweet and innocent and being the most lovable derp to ever spawn from green ectoslime to the most devious, mischievous, troublemaking little asshole you’ve ever had the horror/pleasure of knowing. 

You were met with an impish grin and a narrowing of his eyes. At that point, you knew your stubbornness was going to cost you. 

God _dammit_. You could just kick your past self in the bone bulge.

 

**== > John: Make your grumpy boyfriend/matesprit smile… by any means necessary**

And you knew _exactly_ how to do just that. Karkat knew that you did and he started trying to squirm out of your hold. It was too late. You already had him where you wanted him and there was no escape.

You took a finger and jab him in a very specific spot in the soft flesh of his flank, and the troll arches away in a silent scream.

“O-oh God, John, please don’t!”

“Come on, smile!” you demanded cheerily.

“Neh-Never…” he hissed angrily. It took everything Karkat had to keep himself from falling apart, but you knew it was only a matter of time. You don’t know why he likes to do this to himself. All he has to do is give you a little smile and you can avoid all this, right? In any case, you found this route much more fun!

You bend the finger and rotate the knuckle in that little spot and he lets out a high pitched squeal. He kept trying to get away from you, but your other arm held him to you and your pressing in his ticklish spot sapped any strength he’d need to break your hold. The troll was completely at your mercy and you watched his face contort with his rapidly failing attempt to hold his laughter. Time to bring it on home.

You switched to both hands, rapidly brushing them against his sides until he just loses it.

“Ah, John, John, Okay! I’m smiling! See!? Stop!”

You deemed the half-assed smile adequate (sometimes you just have to take what you can get when it comes to Karkat), but decide to let him writhe in his fit of laughter at your finger tips just a little bit longer before you acquiesce. When you finally stopped, He fell forward, leaning on his elbows on the counter, trying to catch his breath and blinking away the red-tinted tears that formed in the corners of his eyes. 

It went without saying that he was going to let you have it, but you intercepted him with a soft kiss to the lips once he turned to face you and the anger literally melted off of his face.

It shuts him up every time. You’re so good at this.

When you broke the smooch, a slight blush enveloped both of your faces and Karkat punched you in the arm.

“Ow,” you said with a giggle, rubbing where it was hit. It was a playful punch with little strength behind it and you caught a glimpse of him genuinely smiling, a toothy grin that put the previous attempt to utter shame. It was something only you can say that you’ve had the pleasure of seeing on a regular basis. Sometimes it took a little work to coax one out of him, but he could brighten up the room with the best of them (even if said room only contained you and him), however brief they were. 

You think it’s something to brag about, but you don’t because Karkat would punch you in the face if you did. His punches really do hurt when he actually meant them. His smiles were just so cute, the way the upturned ends of his mouth shifted his round cheeks. One would think they’d be awkward because he doesn’t do it often, his face locked in near perpetual scowls, but they look totally natural.

Then you noticed him wince and bring a hand to his head. He was looking a bit out of it, so you pulled him close and tilted your head downward so that your foreheads touched.  
“You _sure_ you’re okay?” you asked him again.

“Just a headache.” It obviously seemed like more than a headache to you.

“When was the last time you slept?” He shrugged again and you pout at the answer. “In that case, let’s go take a nap.”

“Right now, that sounds like the best fucking idea I’ve ever heard.”

You threw your arm around his shoulder and lead him to your room.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently I figured out how to get the simple black text I was using for the Mayor to work. They must've updated the skin, or I was doing SOMETHING wrong back when I first tried it. I'm gonna go with the latter. Time to reformat the first chapter!

**== > Terezi: Roleplay!**

GC: *GC R41S3S H3R SNOUT F33L1NG TH3 PR3S3NC3 OF 4N 1NTRUD3R 1N H3R V4ST DOM41N*  
GC: *SH3 S4YS 1N TH3 4NC1ENT TONGU3 OF 4 THOUS4ND W1SDOMS:*   
GC: *WHO DARES INTRUD3 1NTO THE DOM41N OF TH3 M1GHTY 4ND M4GN1F1C3NT GC?*   
TG: wait  
TG: does my character understand the ancient tongue of a thousand wisdoms  
TG: what the fuck is that supposed to even sound like  
GC: FOR TH3 S4K3 OF TH3 ROL3PL4Y L3T’S S4Y YOU DO  
TG: *the awesome knight of pure awesomeness says:*   
TG: *im here for the mayor you scaly asshole*  
GC: *GC L1FTS H3R GR34T M4W 4ND C4CKL3S M1GT1LY*  
GC: *SH3 RO4RS: YOU SH4LL NOT H4V3 H1M!*   
TG: *the knight of awesome draws his incredibly shitty broken sword*  
TG: then i guess i have to take you down  
TG: shit  
TG: *he said*  
GC: *GC L1FTS H3R CH1N H4UGHT1LY*  
GC: *CH4LL3NG3 4CC3PT3D!*   
WV: *From behind the dragon the fair and magnanimous mayor said:* –IVI/-\Y()&  
WV: *Beware great knight! She is a powerful foe* –IVI/-\Y()&  
WV: *For one has to be truly powerful to best and kidnap Can Town’s great mayor* –IVI/-\Y()&  
WV: *truly powerful indeed* –IVI/-\Y()&  
WV: *for his magnanimity belies his true strength and even greater vigilance* –IVI/-\Y()&  
GC: *GC’S M1GHTY T41L SW1NGS DOWN 4ND SCOOPS UP TH3 CH4TTY M4YOR M1GT1LY*  
GC: *YOU SH4LL N3V3R R3SCU3 YOUR B3LOV3D M4YOR FROM MY CLUTCH3S*  
GC: *GC SW1P3S 4T THE KN1GHT OF 4W3SOM3 W1TH 4 GR34T CL4W!*   
TG: *the awesome knight flash-steps away from the attack and strikes down out of fucking nowhere with his unbelievably shitty sword*  
GC: *GC’S M4GNIF1C3NT SC4LY H1D3 D3FL3CTS TH3 3DG3 OF TH3 UNB3L13V4BLY SH1TTY SWORD!*   
GC: *FOR 1T R3QU1R3S 4 SL1GTLY L3SS SH1TTY SWORD TO P3NETR4T3 H3R M4G1C4L SK1N*  
WV: *The mayor provides the knight with all due encouragement from his position in the dragon’s coiled tail* –IVI/-\Y()&

You are Terezi Pyrope, and you are having quite the blast at your husk top. After nearly a sweep on this meteor, you found that you missed the occasional role-play and FLARP session with your friends. Dave had agreed to role-play with you out of sheer boredom (or maybe he thought it was ironic? You could never tell with him). Role-playing can never measure to the excitement from when you were playing the game, but it’s not like there are any imps to slay at your leisure anymore.

In this scenario, you are the mighty dragon that has kidnapped Can Town’s dear mayor. It was a battle well fought, but the city militia’s amazing training regime could never properly prepare them to defend against GC’s mightiness! 

Oh? What’s this? You licked the screen to better read the cherry red line that appeared with a ping. The awesome knight of awesome has summoned his time powers and attacks you from five different angles… of time!? You have absolutely no clue how that works, but surely, even an unbelievably shitty sword could deal some damage from five simultaneous attacks at such desirable angles. You cackled lightly to yourself as you type away the next line.

GC: *GC FL4PS H3R NOBL3 W1NGS R3P3LL1NG 34CH 4ND 3V3RY 4TT4CK W1TH M1GHTY W1NDS!*   
GC: *1T OCCURS TO H3R TH4T SH3 COULD B3N3F1T GR3ATLY FROM H4VING TH3 KN1GHT OF 4WESOME 4S 4N ALLY!*   
GC: *SUCH 4N UNHOLY UN1ON WOULD B3 F34R3D BY 4LL!* 

Though you enjoy being virtually unstoppable as the great GC, people don’t always take kindly to your omnipotent magnificence as well as Nepeta did. You’d always get accused of power playing, so you threw them bones every so often. 

A few minutes passed as you awaited the next line from Dave or the mayor. Nothing happens. It’s quite possible the Mayor’s attention was pulled elsewhere, so his lack of a response was unsurprising. He could give a wriggler a run for its money when it comes to having the shortest attention span. Dave, however…

After tapping a claw on your desk and sniffing for a response at regular intervals for another minute, you started typing.

GC: D4V3  
GC: YOU TH3R3?   
GC: D1D YOU H4V3 TO V1S1T TH3 LO4D G4P3R?   
TG: sorry  
TG: i dont think i can get into this whole roleplaying business

You breathed a frustrated sigh.

GC: UGH  
GC: YOU 4R3 SO HOP3L3SS WH3N YOU F4LL 1NTO ON3 OF YOUR HUM4N MOODS   
TG: moods  
TG: i dont have moods  
TG: those arent even a thing with striders  
TG: the only mood we know is cool  
GC: UH HUH WH4T3V3R  
GC: YOU 4LW4YS COM3 TO M3 4ND 4SK M3 TO 3NT3RT41N YOU WH3N3V3R YOUR3 1N 4 MOOD  
GC: WH4T3V3R W3 DO YOU QU1T 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF 1T  
GC: SO  
GC: 1F 1T WOULD PL34S3 TH3 COOLK1D  
GC: 1M GONN4 CUT TH3 W1GGL3R SH1T 4ND 4SK  
GC: DO YOU N33D A F33L1NGS J4M?   
TG: what  
TG: no that is not what I need

You figured he was going to say that. You like to think you’ve spent enough time with the cool kid to know when he’s full of shit (which is more often than you initially thought). He’s been getting moody like this for a while, and the reason is pretty clear to you. You’re just waiting for when he wants to actually talk about it and move on. You know humans don’t have a pale quadrant, but you’d like to think that you’d fill his if he had one.

After all, that seemed to be the only available option at this point.

TG: i just need   
TG: a distraction i guess  
GC: W4NT TO R41D T4VROS CH3ST 4ND S33 1F W3 C4N F1GUR3 OUT HOW TO PL4Y THOS3 C4RD G4M3S OF H1S?   
GC: 1M SUR3 H3D B3 HAPPY TO H4V3 4 QU1CK G4M3 W1TH US N3XT T1ME W3 M33T 1N 4 BUBBL3!   
TG: nah   
GC: >:/  
TG: oh I need to get Egbert back for that totally unnecessary ban from the memo

But of course. You smirked knowingly to yourself.

GC: H3H3H3  
GC: HOW WOULD YOU GO 4BOUT DO1NG TH4T?   
TG: do you have the code for a bucket? 

You froze. Now _why_ would he need a bucket? Whatever the reason, you knew it was going to be absolutely scandalous.

 

**== > Karkat: Wake**

You really didn’t want to, but you began to wake up from your nap anyway.

Your head still hurt and everything was too loud. That stupid ticking clock John keeps in his respiteblock, the annoying hum of the ventilation system, and that infernal buzzing of the lights all seemed to have it in for you. Why can you hear all these things? It’s driving you nuts.

Thankfully, a couple other sounds calm you back down as you slowly tread towards wakefulness. You focus on the steady thump of a familiar blood pusher and the loud nasally breathing that border-lined snoring accompanying it, cuddling into their source and the warmth that enveloped you.

Goddammit. 

Your think pan throbbed even more fiercely than when you first fell asleep. Your eyes tried to open but you sealed them shut again when they’re assaulted by overly loud colors. John’s bright blue hoodie nearly blinded you. What the hell? And why is everything so god damn _loud_?

You moved the arm draped over you and rose to a sitting position. You must really be sick because you feel woozy and even shittier than before. You try to open your eyes again and everything was still bright. And so very loud. This must be what it felt like to have sensory overload.

John was still fast asleep on your right, his mouth open and half-snoring. Then you realized something strange: you could still hear his heart beat somewhat from your sitting position and his breathing was so pronounced. Was something wrong with your ears?

You flinched when the hand you were running through your black hair grazed your horn. You pinched the nub slightly, shuddering as you seemed to feel every groove on your finger and thumb. Now your horns are super sensitive, too? Holy shit, this can’t be normal.

It took a few more seconds to orient yourself when you crawled out of John’s bed and you scanned the ground for your pants. You located and put them on, buttoning them with a little more effort than you remember, and headed towards the bathroom.

You stood in the empty hallway listening to… something. You couldn’t tell what it was. It was like some ambience of a dark corridor in a video game with the volume turned to max. There was the plop of water from a pipe in the ceiling. The air itself seemed to be making noise and you can feel the tiniest shift in the atmosphere through the pitiful nubs you call horns. You could also see quite clearly, more so than you can remember, all the way down the hallway as if your vision had suddenly improved.

This seemed more and more like a very lucid dream and you felt you should be worried.

Suddenly, you heard the faintest scuffling and you twist, seeing Strider all the way on the other end of the hall coming this way. That was weird. You’ve never been able to hear Strider’s steps. The cool kid was like a fucking ninja. If Dave was surprised you noticed him down the hallway, he didn’t show it. He probably didn’t even care. You dismissed it from your thoughts because you couldn’t be bothered with dealing with Strider at the moment and continued heading into the bathroom across the hall. You paused when you passed the mirror. 

Your normally orange nubs were bright crimson red. 

Shocked, you stumbled backwards into the bathroom wall. Your hand shook as you raised it to your head, making sure the reflection was indeed yours. 

Yep, that’s you and you have bright candy fucking red horns.

 

**== > Karkat: Flip the fuck out**

You opened your mouth to yell, but someone beat you to it.

“Dave, you asshole!!!” 

The shout rattled your think pan and it felt like it was going to ooze out of your ear.

You opened the bathroom door and caught a glimpse of a retreating Dave bounding near silently down the hallway in quick leaps (you noted that you could hear the woosh of the air as he moved at his ridiculous speed) and the soaked form of John exiting his room.

With a bucket on his head. A bright red bucket.

“What the fuck happened?” You inquired, catching yourself staring wide eyed at the receptacle the boy donned on his cranium.

John sputtered, throwing it off and moving the damp hair from his face. “Dave threw a bucket of water at me while I was sleeping!” Your eye twitched at the mention of such ridiculous use of a pail, but you quickly remember human culture doesn’t see them as vulgar or obscene. But it’s still… so outrageous.

“Why… why would he do that?” you asked.

Your boyfriend stood straighter and composed himself, his anger and frustration quickly melting away into a subtle giddiness and a mischievous grin. “I think he’s getting me back for something I did earlier.”

“What the hell did you do?”

“Don’t worry about it,” John quickly dismissed, his eyes narrowing as he stared down the hall Dave ran through. That whole look on his face… you’re not entirely sure about it. It kind of makes you nervous. “All you need to know is that the challenge has been accepted. Dave gained some points to his neglected Prankster’s Gambit, but I am the prank master. It is _me_.” The heir turned to you and his eyes darted upward, widening in surprise. “Karkat… what’s with your horns?!”

You then remembered why you initially wanted to flip the fuck out.

 

**== > Kanaya: Conclude meeting with human friendleader.**

CEB: and noses too!   
FGA: Duly Noted   
CWV: I will perform my mayoral duty and keep my optical carapace orifices unclamped –IVI/-\Y()&   
CEB: well thanks everyone!    
CEB: i now have cupcakes to tend to.

CEB closed memo.

You are Kanaya Maryam and you had just finished typing “Duly Noted” in the meeting that you (technically) missed a couple hours before. Memos, like John said, were quite convenient. You just wish Karkat wouldn’t get in drawn out arguments with himself from different periods in time every time he opened one.

Someone knocked frantically on your door. “Kanaya, are you busy?” It was John, and he sounded troubled. 

“One moment.”

You opened the door and were met with both John and his matesprit, but you your gaze instantly flew to the obvious abnormality atop Karkat’s head.

 

**== > **

You’ve never seen anything like it. Karkat’s horns were red and you couldn’t resist the urge to lightly touch it with your finger.

“Dammit! Stop touching them!” Karkat hissed, jolting away from your hand.

“Karkat, if I’m to determine what the matter is, I’m going to need to touch them a little bit.” You took note of their oversensitivity. The response seemed nearly painful for him. “Now please refrain from acting like a wiggler and describe to me how they feel.”

“Everything!”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I can feel things with them. Like back when we were grubs.”

“I see,” you said quietly, bringing a hand to your chin. The memories were faint, but you remembered that horn sensitivity was necessary for survival in the brooding caverns. It lessens upon pupation, however, and whatever sensitivity left over is for more… recreational purposes. 

You leaned closer over the troll’s head, parting his hair carefully so you could get a better look at the base of one of them. A network of red veins seemed to extend throughout the knob and the outer membrane was slightly swollen. Surely there shouldn’t be that much blood flow through a troll’s horns. You could only conclude that they are red because Karkat’s unique (you prefer that term over mutant) blood is being pumped through them at a much higher volume than normal. You attempted to lightly touch them again, but Karkat seemed to sense the movement and nudged away from you.

“John, I think I require your assistance.” 

“Oh?” Karkat’s matesprit was sitting cross-legged beside you while you were ogling the red nubs. You whispered quick instructions into his ear. Karkat’s ears twitched and he grew panicked. Did he just hear that?

“Wait, no! Fuck that!” he started yelling. He was about to get up but John, with a quick “whoop,” hopped sideways onto Karkat’s lap, pinning him to the floor, and wrapped his arms around him. “Oh my _god_ , John, why are you so fucking heavy!?”

John gave him his usual smile and kissed him on the check. He left his head next to Karkat’s so that their cheeks were pressed together and used one of his hands to keep it still.

You took that as your cue and you gingerly maneuvered your hands back over Karkat’s scalp.

Karkat screamed when you started rubbing one of his horns to check their texture. You did your best to ignore his vocal protests as you gently squeeze them and perform all manner of horn-care analysis techniques you learned from a book you read who knows how long ago, trying to see if you can recognize any abnormalities and make a proper diagnosis.

The smaller troll started squirming under John. The human seemed equally bothered by Karkat’s discomfort and you both shared a look. Yours assured him that you will try to hurry.

After another quarter of a minute ignoring Karkat’s obvious discomfort, you sighed disappointedly and let go of the sensitive horns. There wasn’t anything you saw that could make heads or tails of this condition. You sat on your knees next him as he very slowly quelled the ensuing anger and irritation at being fondled in such a manner. He managed to shove John off of him after his grip loosened.

“I think it may be a good time to disclose anything else that feels wrong, Karkat,” you asked kindly. Maybe other symptoms would seem familiar to you.

The shorter troll takes a steadying breath and lists that all of his senses seem to be in overdrive. He could see and hear more clearly, to the point that it was very uncomfortable and gave him a headache. He even said that he could smell almost every type of incense Rose alchemized and burned in your respiteblock over the past week. That’s quite a feat for anyone besides Terezi.

This was both intriguing and disconcerting. 

“I’m sorry, but I have absolutely no clue to what’s wrong,” you told them. The two sighed in unison.

“So I got my horns fondled for fucking nothing?” Karkat grumbled angrily. For a moment, Karkat looked his normal grumpy self, probably upset and embarrassed about the whole ordeal.

“Thanks anyway, Kan. Maybe it’ll go away in a little while?”

“We can only hope. Now don’t be stupid and wait if things get worse.” You were telling both of them, but it was aimed more at Karkat. You knew how he could be sometimes.

With a nod, they left your respiteblock. You heard John mention taking Karkat and going back to sleep. It’s been a while since you’ve slept. You tossed yourself with as much grace as one can possibly have while tossing oneself onto your pile of fabric and old dresses, and made yourself comfortable.

As you slowly drifted off, you made it a point to let out some of Karkat’s pants later on. They were looking a bit snug as of late.

 

**== > Kanaya: Sleep on it**

Your eyes opened to a vast emptiness that extended in all directions around you.

Damn.

You hoped that you would end up in a dream bubble of a more pleasant memory, or possibly one that shed a little light on one of the many conundrums that currently plagued your mind when you fell asleep, like what kind of dress you should design next. 

Right, and Karkat’s ailment. As unlikely as that was, you still held your breath just a little bit that, somewhere deep in your memories, you knew what was wrong with him.

In any case, you had a couple options laid out for you whenever this happened: chill out here and wait until you wake up back on the meteor, or wander around aimlessly and risk the possibility of running into one of your dead friends or yourself from a doomed timeline. You never found the meetings to be all that pleasant and they were more awkward than anything. You love your friends very much, but it is still difficult to run into them under such circumstances. Two years doing this hasn’t changed how you felt about it either.

Oh, and outer gods _forbid_ you run into a doomed Gamzee or any type of Eridan. You may redirect some underserved aggression towards the former, and may have the urge to bisect the latter (which may or may not be deserved. Depends on which one you run into, you guessed.) There were others that you didn’t know somewhere out there, too. John mentioned a troll who very slightly resembled Feferi, and Terezi said she had a very enlightening chat with a troll named Aranea. 

So, you sat there in the dark, your skin graying a small area around you with its white glow (which made you relatively easy to find by anyone else on the prowl). Since the creation of the green sun and Feferi’s request for them to create dream bubbles, horrorterrors tend to stay out of your dreams, but you could never shake the uncomfortable feeling you get from knowing that they _are_ out there… 

A dainty finger tapped you on your shoulder and you twisted to meet its owner, and she waved.

“Vris-“ You stopped yourself. It looked like her, but not quite. She wore a stylish blue dress and cute red shoes, things the troll that you knew never wore unless it was some special (or especially _stupid_ ) occasion.

Stupid Vriska…

“Hello,” the troll greeted, “I was hoping to speak with you soon.”

“Are you Aranea, by any chance?” 

“Yep, and I’ve come bearing a bit of insight on your friend.”

How serendipitous! Your mood just performed a one-eighty on the four-wheeled skating device.

“Any information that you can divulge would be greatly appreciated,” you said, standing up excitedly. “I fear Karkat has procured some rare disease.”

“Oh, it’s not a disease.” That was such a relief to hear! “But…” Aranea smiled widely. “he’s definitely _procured_ something!”

“Is that so?”

“I’ve been keeping an eye on you guys, well, John and Karkat more than anyone else. I do recognize what’s going on, but it’s a bit less explainable considering that John is a human…” She paused thoughtfully. “I’m not really an expert on this area so keep in mind that I _can_ be wrong about this. A couple of my other friends are much more knowledgeable.”

“Would it be too much to ask to speak with them?”

“Sadly that’s a bit impossible at the moment, but I _have_ shared Karkat’s symptoms with them. They told me to give you this code.”

She took your hand and scribbled letters in black pen. It was “E3g2g1Y0”

You recite the assortment of symbols aloud. “What significance does this hold?”

“Oh, you’ll find out. I wish I could talk more and explain the situation, but I have to let you go, now. Lots of things to tend to, but my friends and I wish you luck on this endeavor. I’m sure it’d be quite the experience!”

“In any case, you have my gratitude.” 

She waved a final goodbye as you willed yourself awake. Terezi was right, she was much easier to deal with than Vriska. After you found yourself back on your pile in your respiteblock, you looked at your bare hand.

Of course it was bare. Aranea wrote on your hand in a dream, more or less, so logically it couldn’t have transferred to yourself on the meteor. Luckily, it was a rather simplistic code and it was already etched into your memory. Now to go to the alchemiter and find out just what this code creates.

 

**== > Kanaya: Head to Alchemiter**

You entered the room with the alchemiter and quickly noticed two other people were present. It was Terezi and the Mayor. A sudden blink of yellow light alerted you to the presence of Serenity, the Mayor’s blinking little friend. You had no idea what she is (or whether or not it’s an actual she) but the humans assure you that she’s an insect known as a “firefly” or “lightning bug.” You find both those names very misleading because, as far as you’ve seen, Serenity could not create fire nor shoot lightning out of her rear end. Karkat had already ranted about the absurdity of such a classification.

Admittedly, such an insect would be very, very cool.

It appeared that Terezi was showing the carapacian dignitary how the alchemiter functioned. She pointed to the screen, explained a couple things that you were too far out of earshot to hear, and then proceeded to lick the little screen to make sure she input the code correctly before pressing the button that completed the process, causing a fresh box of chalk to appear on the platform.

The Mayor blinked at the control panel before doing exactly what Terezi did (including licking the screen) and produced another box of chalk. As you approached the duo, he picked up his creation and did a little leg-flailing jig of triumph.

“You didn’t actually have to lick it,” Terezi told him with an amused chuckle.

“I see you’re demonstrating to the Mayor how to utilize the alchemiter.”

She turned to you with a wide, toothy grin. “It seemed like it was about time _somebody_ did. It’s inconvenient when he needs something and has to wake me up after I just got comfortable on my scale-mate pile.”

“That seems to be the pragmatic thing to do,” you agreed with a nod. “Just be sure he doesn’t go overboard. We still need to make sure our supply of build grist and other materials last until we complete our journey to the next session.”

“Don’t worry about it Kanaya. I doubt it would be a problem!” The two of you look at the mayor and his open box of chalk (now devoid of all shades of green, you noticed) to see he was chewing on something. “He’ll probably only use it to make more chalk, and it costs only one shale. Barely anything.”

“Alright then, I trust in your confidence.” You didn’t know how the Mayor thought, and the only real interaction you had was when he instigated an eight minute game of charades to ask you to put together a formal (and very dapper, you might add) mayoral suit and matching top hat. Strangely, he didn’t wear it as often as one would presume. He still goes around in John’s raggedy old blanket most of the time.

You prayed you don’t come in the next day to find that eighty-five percent of the supplies have mysteriously vanished and a large portion of the lab filled with boxes of chalk and ludicrous amounts of canned goods. 

“But! if I find out that he misused his alchemizing privileges…” She grabbed your attention when she pulled her cane out from her strife specibus. “I will take him to court and sentence him to all due punishment! Mayor or not, the people’s tax grist will not be wasted in such a scandal without consequence, and all cane drubbings will be given out in full!” 

She cackled mirthfully and followed the Mayor and Serenity out of the alchemiter room, leaving you to your own devices. Now that they were gone, you approached the machine and grimaced at the slurry of saliva coating the terminal. It was convenient that you had a throwaway piece of fabric in your sylladex to remove the offending fluids.

“E3g2g1Y0” was put into the machine and you were given a holographic preview of what the code would create. It was a book, and a fairly large one at that. The cover read: “Troll Reproduction for Assholes: In Depth with 2x the ClipArt! by Buckminster Funnytroll.”

Okay, you were unaware a book like this existed. Maybe it existed only in Aranea’s pre-scratch universe?

You expended the necessary materials and created the hefty tome. You apparently have some reading to do, but the text does come off as a bit ornery, complete with a cover caption that insulted its intended audience outright. The original plan was to go back to your respiteblock, but…

The text… it beckoned.

 

**== >**

About ten minutes later, you found yourself nearly halfway done with the book, sitting cross-legged with your back against the far wall of the alchemiter room, out of the way in case anybody needed to use it. You couldn’t honestly say you read it all, because you didn’t. That would’ve taken hours. You skimmed and skipped several sections because they were merely very rude descriptions and explanations of what you already knew. 

There were detailed and color coded illustrations and photographs (and let’s not forget the very helpful clipart) of the mother grub and the process of troll reproduction. It went into the functions of the imperial drones and whatever a troll would need to know when they hit puberty. It was a little embarrassing, looking at buckets, bulges and nooks (Oh my) and what have you, but hey, it was for educational purposes.

And a bit of a disappointment, actually. There hadn’t been anything that came even remotely close to answering your problem concerning Karkat.

You started reading the final paragraph of the section, wrapping up it up in its usual off-putting manner, but then realized something. 

They had gone through all things mother grub, but there was still quite a bit of textbook you haven’t gone through. What could they _possibly_ go into after already exploring the entirety of core reproduction?

You really hoped it wasn’t anything lewd… like prime pailing positions or the science behind producing as much genetic material as possible. Oh Jegus, did you hope.

Either way, you had to turn to the next section. Aranea didn’t strike you as one who would mislead you or participate in some tasteless prank, and, unless you remembered the code incorrectly, this book had the answers you needed.

_Okay, now that you bulgelickers have learned all you need to know about the unholy birthing system of the mothergrub, it’s time to go into something most of the population either doesn’t know or completely disregards._

Huh? What could the good mister Funnytroll be referring to?

_As impossible as it seems, trolls were able to reproduce before the mothergrub system was even implemented. It is entirely possible you’ve heard about this (unless you exist in a universe where your tyrian overlord rules you with an unrelenting iron fist and has destroyed all knowledge of this method, in which case, I don’t want to know **how** you’re even reading this). _

The first sentence of that paragraph stopped you. This was definitely news to you. Nothing you were schoolfed informed you that was possible. You were brought up believing the mothergrub system was the _only_ way for trolls to reproduce. 

Another tentative page turn later, you are greeted by illustrations of the troll’s lower biology. Some of it was already discussed in the mothergrub section, but there were many other areas high-lighted this time, many that you didn’t know you possessed.

Oh dear. This is incredibly unprecedented!

You promptly closed the book and captchalogued it. It would definitely be better to continue reading this section in the relative safety of your respiteblock on the off chance you suffer a mental breakdown from the onrush of universe tipping knowledge. You _really_ wouldn’t put it pass yourself to have one this late after starting the game. It’s probably your turn to flip your shit anyway.

It’s been getting kind of crispy just sitting on that one side on the skillet.


	3. Chapter 3

**== > John: Beat Karkat’s high score**

“John, what are you doing? You’re missing all of the power-ups!”

“Those are power-ups?”

The two of you were in the computer room on the large fancy sofa. Karkat sat adjacent to you and rested his head against your shoulder with his arms crossed in front of his chest as he watched you play one of his Alternian handheld video games. For the past half hour, he was providing (not so) helpful backseat player commentary.

“Holy shit, why even try? You know fuckall about Alternia’s intricate gameplay mechanics.”

“Shut up, I _got_ this,” you said confidently.

“Like hell you do. You only have one life and barely broke half my score.”

“It isn’t over until the helmsman explodes.”

Your thumbs tapped away at the squishy buttons of the alien handheld, invoking flashes and pixilated explosions on the screen. Despite all of Karkat’s claims of their “superior technology,” their handheld videogame graphics were barely better than what was available when Earth got molested by meteors. 

One of your fingers moved to jam the button to initiate a barrel-roll, but slipped on the handheld’s slick membrane. So gross…

“Fuck.” Your fighter ship jarred and blinked red at the laser impact. You can’t take any more hits like this, or Karkat will have full rights to berate you on the subject of your inept gaming abilities. 

“What the hell, John, you’re supposed to _dodge_ the things flying at you.”

“Your spectator trolling is absolutely destroying my gamer concentration! You are ruining me,” you replied with obvious sarcasm and an accompanying roll of the eyes. “Oh, look! I’ve entered the final gate.”

“Boss time,” Karkat added blandly.

You rapidly jam the organic buttons, letting loose a fuckton of lasers at the juggernaut’s obvious weakspot. This was soooooooo easy. You can just imagine Karkat’s score being kicked off the podium and landing on its numerical ass when your much higher score moves in and takes its rightful place.

Then, in almost a whisper, Karkat surprised you by saying, “Pchooo.”

You froze and felt your cheeks heat up. In that exact moment of shock, a missile fired from the boss’s shoulder and blew your ship to hell. What you assumed was “Game Over” in Alternian typed itself across your screen as the remains of your blasted ship fluttered in the pixilated breeze.

“Hah!” Karkat laughed. 

“I thought we agreed to never bring that up again,” you stated seriously and without looking away from your game screen.

“I did not agree to that. I agreed I wouldn’t tell anyone,” he huffed matter-of-factly. “Plus, the accompanying sound effect doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with said event.” 

“That’s so bullshit!” you almost whined.

“It’s leverage,” he responded with a shit eating grin that showcased all the features of his face you adored so much. 

That (loveable) asshole. He promised and he knew it. 

He was clearly just fucking with you, but it’s still so not cool he made you die like that. You were so close to claiming that slot above Karkat’s initials. It would’ve been cool to get the absolute top spot, but apparently Sollux was _the best_ at this game. It was him.

“Bluh, your troll video games are stupid!” you sang in a lame attempt to change the subject. 

You tossed the organic gaming device to the other side of the sofa. Afterwards you wiped your hands on your shirt because it felt like they were covered in weird mucus. “I don’t get how you guys can stand all of your electronic devices being alive and squishy like that. Yuck.”

Karkat didn’t seem to register the question because he was in the middle of a gaping yawn, giving you view of all his strangely shaped teeth and fangs. You liked how different his mouth was from a human’s.

“Why didn’t you just go to sleep like you planned?” you asked.

“Obviously because the sound of your ship exploding and going down in flames reverberated through my freakish red horns and kept me up.” The venom directed at himself made you wince, but it reminded you that something was still seriously wrong with him and you took a quick glance at the flaming red horns.

“Are they still really sensitive?”

“Yeah...” 

It bothered you how quiet he got. It was so unlike him to reply with such brevity, and you missed his usual stubborn attitude and his ridiculously convoluted metaphors.

With your hands now free from retarded video game handhelds, you tilted his chin upwards and stared into his sleepy eyes, leaning in slowly until your lips met with his. The kiss was slow and sweet, but he broke it off a bit sooner than you would have liked.

“Uh, don’t know if what I have is contagious,” Karkat whispered, his eyes drifting to the side guiltily. “Might be some weird meteor disease.”

“Oh… right.” How disappointing, but it made sense. You assured him that you understood with a kiss to his cheek. 

The best thing you could think of doing was to make sure he was comfortable until he got better. You pulled his legs up so they lay across your lap and pulled him closer into you. You then brought a hand up behind him so that your palm was in the troll’s dark hair. Being mindful of his horns, you gently scratched and massaged his scalp. He liked it when you did that.

Karkat visibly relaxed and nuzzled into your shoulder to muffle the sounds he knew he was going to make. You could tell he was making them anyway because you could feel the subtle vibrations emanating from his chest when he exhaled, the telltale sign of what can be almost described as purring.

The sound brought a grin to your face. You followed suit and started to relax into the sofa as well, letting your mind wander and your eyes to close while your hand continued its soothing motions.

You remembered when you arrived on the meteor after leaping through Jade and saw the remaining trolls for the first time. Whenever you thought back to the expression on Karkat’s face (you didn’t know it was him during that brief moment) before you fell on top of him, you couldn’t help but laugh. He was all like “Holy fucking shhhhhhiiiiiiiitttt” in slow-mo. So funny!

After you got off of his prone form, you were just enraptured by the exoticness of his features. 

It didn’t register to you at the time (due to believing you weren’t a homosexual), but it could’ve been love at first sight. In a fit of talking-without-thinking, you told him he was the most adorable thing ever.

He proceeded to punch you in the face. 

_”Ow,” you said after shaking yourself out of your daze. “Who was that?”_

_“That was Karkat,” Rose answered while helping you to your feet. Your eyes went wide and you turned to the troll who had stomped a little away from the crowd, noticing the slight blush on his gray cheeks._

_“Seriously!?”_

Regardless, you stood by your statement. Your first impression was that all trolls were physically intimidating and dangerous looking by the way Karkat and Vriska described everything about their society, all rough and ruthless and stuff. It was true to a point with the sharp horns and teeth, but Karkat was… different. 

His horns weren’t even sharp (the cutest little nubs ever!!), and, upon closer inspection, his teeth, though different from the average human, weren’t as lethal looking as Kanaya’s fangs or basically Terezi’s entire fucking mouth. (Don’t get you wrong, they both are wonderfully attractive ladies when they aren’t swinging chainsaws, acting psychotic, and being overall scary.)

With softer features than his friends and a shorter stature, he looked more endearing than intimidating. He was a couple inches shorter than you when you met, but your most recent growth spurt widened that gap a bit more.

What really made you fall for him was when you first saw his smile. You like to think of his smiles as beautiful gems buried under a shit ton of angry scowls and raging bedrock, and your day is officially made when you happen to unearth one. You absolutely _melt_ at the sight of those dimples!

You were probably the only one who saw so much in Karkat’s smiles, but then again everyone else probably doesn’t even realize he’s capable of such movements of the face.

The first year on the meteor was spent being fascinated with him. The next few months were filled with so many cultural misunderstandings and other shenanigans that it made your head spin. 

Then, bam! Matesprits! Or Boyfriends! Mateboyfrits! Whatever you wanted to call it. All you knew was that you loved him and he came around to love-pitying you, and everything was all cuddles and sunshine… until Mr. Meteor Mystery Sickness decided to show his ass and color his horns red.

You really hoped you can figure what’s up with that soon.

 

**== >**

A sharp “bing” from your glasses jolted you from your half-sleep reverie and you looked to see Karkat still slumbering peacefully against you. Your glasses alerted you to new messages a couple more times and you ruffle his hair before you actually answered them.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB].

GA: John Are You Awake  
GA: If Not I Can Speak To You A Little Later

\-- You are now an idle chum! --

GA: When You Do Wake Please Come Speak To Me Its Quite Urgent  
EB: hey kanaya, i’m awake.  
GA: Oh Good  
EB: what have you been up to?  
GA: A Bit Of Reading  
GA: And Assuring All Of My Mental Faculties Remain Intact  
GA: So Far Ive Been Successful  
EB: you were having a mental breakdown??  
GA: Almost But Then I Figured  
GA: This Is Stupid  
EB: i think i can relate, hehe, but what would bring that about?  
GA: Never Mind That  
GA: I Have Good News Concerning Karkats Illness  
GA: Or Lack Thereof  
EB: so hes not sick? awesome!!!  
EB: i guess we can breathe a little easier.  
GA: Uh Not Quite  
GA: He May Not Be Ill But the Matter Is Still  
GA: Complicated  
EB: whats going on with him exactly?  
EB: you tell me he’s not sick, but the way you’re talking isn’t very reassuring…  
GA: Im Sorry  
GA: My Intention Wasnt To Worry You  
GA: But The Issue Is A Bit Daunting And I Think It Would Be Favorable If I Were To Share The Details With You And Karkat Simultaneously  
GA: It Strikes Me As Only Fair Since It Concerns The Both Of You In Very Specific And Honestly Very Confusing Ways  
GA: I Still Just Barely Know The Basics Of the Circumstance Myself  
EB: wow.  
EB: still sounding pretty bad. :(  
GA: In Actuality  
GA: From Some Perspectives It Could Be Portrayed As Something Fortuitous  
EB: oh? i guess i’ll wake karkat up then.  
GA: Where Are You By The Way  
EB: the computer room, lounge, place, thingy… whatever it is!  
GA: Okay I Will Meet You There Shortly Then I Can Explain A Bit More Clearly

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB].

That was weird. You wondered what could be going on with Karkat and how it concerned yourself. 

 

**== > Kanaya: Disclose diagnosis**

“First, I’m going to say that this is a difficult topic for me to broach for reasons you will most likely understand,” you began, sitting in one of the chairs in front of the sofa so that the boys were directly across from you. “So I shall tell you the in as few words as possible.”

“Alright, so lay it on me,” Karkat said impatiently.

“You’re pregnant.”

The room went silent and you felt the boys’ incredulous stares boring holes in you. The two shared a questioning glance then brought their attention back to you, waiting for you to blurt out the “just kidding” that wasn’t going to come.

“Okay veeery funny, Kanaya,” John said, donning a humoring smile. Karkat, on the other hand, looked more than a little annoyed.

“What kind of addle-sponged diagnosis is that?!”

“It is the most logical conclusion, given the fact that you and John had copulated previously,” you countered.

John gave a loud abrupt cough, but you didn’t realize your misstep until you saw Karkat’s jaw drop. He turned angrily to his matesprit and John stiffened, his eyes nervously darting away from Karkat’s growling snarl.

You supposed it was an inevitability considering the subject matter of the conversation.

“Uh, who told you, t-that such a crazy thing like that took place, here, on the meteor… heheh.” He was sending all types of signals to you to move on, but you ignored them. Unexpectedly, Karkat was the first to bring the conversation back on track when he snapped his attention back to you, not looking any less miffed. More so even. 

“You and I both know that trolls cannot get pregnant, so why are you trying to feed us this bullshit? To think that I can be subject to such a horrifically inefficient and _moronic_ system of reproduction is beyond ridiculous. In fact, its so ridiculous, it transgresses into hilarity! Listen to the sounds that rush past my squawk blister. Ha! Hahaha! Ri-fucking-diculous! Did you even hear yourself, Kanaya? What possessed you to even say such a fucking retarded thing when I’m obviously ill from some gogdamned meteor diseased that turned my horns into fucking 12th perigee’s eve behemoth leaving ornaments!? And _fuck_ my head is hurting even more now! Thanks a lot, Kan! You and your failure attempt at practical japery has shamed our deceased lusii beyond compre-fucking-hension!” 

And he went on and on and on with arms flailing every which way to express the magnitude of his words that isn’t already being done so by the volume of his voice. To be honest, it was quite uplifting hearing Karkat’s old self, but it was probably doing absolutely nothing for his headache.

You and John just sat tight as he ranted to no one, because both of you knew better to think that listening was going to make any difference. You crossed one leg over the other, bobbing your foot and waiting for an opportune time to interject or until Karkat decides that the rant had gone on long enough. 

John twiddled his thumbs and was still looking a little flustered. He knew there was another impending earful for his disclosure of their, ahem, ”flushed bonding activities.” He was really going to get it if, no, _when_ Karkat learned that everyone already knows about their intimate little tryst.

Oh boy.

When he finally finished, John spoke up. “Can you please just tell us what’s going on?”

“I already told you,” you responded a bit curtly.

“But that makes no sense. We’re not even the same species!”

You knew this was going to happen, or at least it was one of a handful of scenarios that could play out, and you planned accordingly. Skepticism was going to be the first, but not the most difficult, hurdle of this situation.

“Yes, that is true, but…”

You pulled out _Troll Reproduction for Assholes_ from your sylladex and dropped the book in front of them with a loud, room shaking thud.

“Whoa!”

“What the fuck is this!?” Karkat demanded, startled from the tome almost landing on his toes. You lift a fancy golden tassel that opened the book to where you left the attached jade colored bookmark embroidered with various patterns (matching the tassel) and your symbol in crimson thread. 

“I suggest the both of you begin here.”

 

**== >**

You let out a restless sigh as you watched the boys, gauging their expressions as they read the massive book that spanned both of their laps. John seemed to be reading the book with blatant fascination, akin to a small child perusing an encyclopedia, but Karkat’s expressions were a tad worrying.

At first he had a defiant scowl that alluded to the intention that he was going to dismiss the book’s contents as nothing but complete bullshit, but you watched as his brow started furrow more with uncertainty and every page seemed to make him a little more unsettled.

“This book is a mind-splittingly horrible read,” Karkat mumbled just to cut the silence a bit.

“It’s not that bad. It’s kind of like listening to you in book form!” John chimed.

Okay, that comment was actually pretty funny. Karkat socked John in the shoulder and the human chuckled before returning to the book. A few moments later, John pointed to something unseen to you on the page and waggled his eyebrows, prompted Karkat to face palm and shake his head, which did little to hide the red in his face.

Watching their interactions always warmed your blood pusher. Such pity! It’s almost like something out of one of your romance novels. 

Well, not really, but it’s nice regardless. You’re a bit jealous of what they have. 

Now the two were discussing something in hushed tones. John would point to something on the page and ask Karkat a question, and he would nod or shake his head, but it was mostly nodding you noticed. You guessed they were on the symptoms page, where it gave a list of surefire signs of teeming.

He already had many of them: sensitized and blood-colored horns, heightened visual and auditory clarity, severe headaches, weight gain, and a noticeably increased appetite for specific foods. 

“Kanaya.” John looked up at you, apprehension apparent in his features, “Where did you get this book?”

“A troll from the pre-scratch universe.”

“Can we even trust this book?” He asked thoughtfully with a hand to his chin.

“It is the only thing we have that can accurately describe this condition. Its origins are obscure, but we have little else to go on,” you explained. “Are you still fostering doubts?”

John shook his head. “Like you said, we have little else to go on, but this… this is not good news at all!” 

“It isn’t?” You blinked. “I would think that reproduction in itself would be quite positive, especially considering that the matriorb was destroyed. This may be the solution to the dilemma involving the repopulation of the troll species.”

“Uhm, yeah true but…” he looked up as if he suddenly realized something. “To us humans this is a big deal of a different kind.”

“Really?”

“You see… when this happens, and especially by accident, things change forever! I mean, babies are a good thing, but it disrupts our entire lifestyle in order to take care of it. Generally, things just get a lot harder unless everyone is already prepared for it.”

“Are humans not able to fend for themselves after hatching?”

“First, we don’t hatch.” Right, you forgot that humans were mammalian in origin, utilizing that rare pairing-off reproduction system that just so happened to be possible for trolls as well (just hidden away to be forgotten for millennia). “Second, no, human newborns can’t. They’re completely helpless and they rely on their parents.”

“Oh, I see. So their bearer and genetic donor are the ones who take up the responsibility of rearing the human wiggler.” 

“Exactly! Rose, Dave, Jade, and I were all special cases because of, you know, the ectobiology and meteors, so we only had-”

“How the hell are you two so fucking calm about this!? I’m here growing who knows what in my belly and you two are chatting it up about human custodial responsibilities!”

Karkat’s outburst brought your attention back to him, and you noticed he was giving you a run for your money with how pale he looked. He was clutching the fabric of his sweater so tight that his hand was losing color and his breathing was becoming erratic. He looked to be on the verge of having a panic attack.

“Karkat? You okay?” John asked.

“What the fuck do you think!?” He shot up out of his seat, knocking the book onto the floor. “I should’ve saw this coming. No, wait _no one_ could’ve saw this bullshit coming! Kudos paradox space! I have to give you that one!” You watched him start pacing the room frantically. “Just when I think I can do something _right_ without anything blowing up in my fucking face-“

“Don’t say stuff like that!” John said. He stood up and extended a hand towards his matesprit. “Now let’s just chill out a bit and-“ 

“No! Don’t fucking touch me!” he yelled, slapping away the outstretched limb. “That’s what started this mess in the goddamn first place! I knew this was too good to be true! Fuck! This was such a mistake. I should’ve never even hoped that _anything_ good would come out of this failure of an existence without _some_ catch!”

“Karkat?” John retracted his hand, looking genuinely hurt, but he went completely ignored as Karkat went off. 

“Hey Karkat! Have the semblance of a fulfilling and successful relationship! What? We didn’t tell you had to be infected with and propagate mutant monkey grubs? I guess you didn’t read the fine print. Oh well! _Better luck next time, shitstain!_ ”

John’s features hardened and he walked up to the other troll and grabbed his arm. “Karkat! Calm. The fuck. Down!”

“Calm down? _Calm Down_!?” He was definitely livid now. He wrenched his arm free and forcefully jabbed John in his chest with his finger. “You have _no right_ to tell me to calm down! This is your fucking fault!”

“My fault!?” John gawked indignantly, his fists tightening at his side. “How can you say that? I had no fucking idea this could even be a thing! And if I recall, you were the one who was more than just a little eager!”

Suddenly, the two started going at it. Verbally. You couldn’t follow the argument at all and all you could make out was the occasional “Bluh” or “Fuckass” that was being tossed around alongside flailing limbs. Things were escalating quickly, so you figured it was time to try your hand at quelling the argument. Old habits die hard.

“Please, try to settle down, both of you. The situation may be… unorthodox, but we need to approach this with-“

“ _Fuck off, Kanaya!_ ” The anger in his voice made you flinch. “The last thing I need is you trying to make things worse with your pathetically insistent meddling in this horrible sham of a matespritship! Why did I even think filling a quadrant with a human wouldn’t result in anything but disaster and fuck ups!?”

His words were set to kill, both of you feeling their sting as they whizzed past you during his emotional tirade, but what concerned you the most was that he was more hysterical than angry. He was completely flipping off the handle and saying things he would not otherwise say or mean in his right mind.

John jumped to your defense. “Don’t yell at her she’s just trying to help!”

Once again, John was outright ignored as Karkat continued pacing and started chanting, “Fuck, fuck, I can’t believe this shit, oh god, oh man, oh god” in his panic. He gripped a fistful of his own hair as he tried, and failed, to steady his own breathing.

Guilt began to well up inside of you. You may have been able to take such unexpected view-crushing information with relative stride, but through your own naïveté you’ve grossly miscalculated how Karkat would feel in his position. 

John was looking a bit shaken now. He took the news relatively well at first, but maybe it was a larger shock then he originally let on? After all, he had just explained that reproduction was a bigger, life-long responsibility for a human than it was for trolls. A troll’s worries were more short term: avoid immediate culling by offering genetic material and be done with the matter. 

“Karkat, we need to talk about this and try to figure out what to do,” he offered in a more controlled voice.

Before Karkat could answer he nearly doubled over in pain and turned away from the two of you. “Fuck… I feel so sick…” He clutched at the fabric of his sweater again just under his chest and leaned on his other arm against the wall. He started to shake and sob. “What’s going on?”

His voice was so small and riddled with terror, you could just see all the agitation in John leave quicker than it came, and whatever wounds Karkat’s words left on you were instantly forgotten. The human glanced at you as if asking whether or not he should do something, and you nodded slowly, signaling that he should do what he could. He was in a better position to do anything than you were, quite honestly.

“Hey, it’s going to be all right.“ John moved slowly and carefully, like he was approaching a frightened and cornered animal, to place both of his hands on the shorter troll’s shoulders, but Karkat twisted around and screamed.

“ _Don’t fucking touch me!_ ”

“Oof!”

Oh shit.

In an instant, John was sent floor-bound due to a swift movement of Karkat’s leg. That _couldn’t_ of been pleasant, you thought, cringing at the collision between foot and human bone bulge. Not at all.

 

**== > John: Be floor-bound**

A sharp, numbing pain rapidly webbed up your spine and spread to all of your extremities, the blow between your legs nearly lifting you an inch off the ground. The room started spinning and you realized you were falling, but you couldn’t move to catch yourself. The only thing you did was double over and curl into yourself as you hit the ground with a dull thud, unable to breathe.

You heard a deeply concerned voice at your side as retreating steps disappeared among the whispy “pssshhew” sound of the computer lab’s transportalizer. 

“John, are you alright? Do you require the human CPR? Oh, dear. Rose! Dave! I need assistance!”

You wanted to try to open your mouth and respond, but your vision blurs and you black out.

 

**== > Elsewhere**

You heard footsteps behind you as you added the final touches to yet another confectionary masterpiece made specifically for John’s thirteenth birthday. You can _never_ have enough cake... especially for one’s birthday. That is what mother had always told you and you lived by those words.

You turned with cake in hand and nearly drop it when you saw John behind you. Did he honestly think he could fool you with a beagle puss and bowler hat combo while wielding one of your pipes?

You couldn’t help but snigger at his horrible disguise. Your son is such a riot, you have to tell your co-workers about this on your serious business application later on. He unequips it and enters his strifing stance with hammer in hand. It is always such a production to get him to accept your ~~dreaded~~ wonderful artifacts of confection. There is only one way to settle this… 

You simultaneously light all thirteen candles using candle-lighting experience you’ve gained over the years and enter your strifing stance as well. You wait for him to aggrieve and ready your auto-pastry, but it seems he’s offering the first move.

Very well, then.

You activated your guardian rubric: coddlebrand, and extended the cake out to him. Just as predictably, John… accepts it? 

Wait, that does not seem right.

He looks down at the cake for a long moment before blowing out all of the candles. His gaze rises up to meet yours and he is smiling. Behind his glasses, there are tears forming in his eyes. What is this boy up to?

Suddenly your artifact of confection is tossed aside and he rushes forward. 

Egads! You no longer have your cake! Your auto-pastry passive is deactivated and therefore useless!

Well played, John, well… played?

Now he’s hugging you, tightly at that. It’s like he hasn’t seen you in years. To add to your surprise, John seemed to change before your very eyes. He grew taller, his features maturing just slightly, and his clothes shift to a sky blue outfit with an obscenely long hood.

This is all very confusing, but it’s slowly coming back to you.

 

**== > Dad: Catch up with son**

“John?”

“Yeah, dad?” 

“How have you been?”

“Okay.”

The two of you stood in place for several moments in the embrace, appreciating every moment of it. For who knows how long, you’ve enjoyed the companionship of the John from your memories, so you’re overjoyed to see him again in a more up to date incarnation. You wanted to hear what he’s been up to.

After the lengthy hug, you moved to sit in the living room, and he gave you what you wanted. He let loose a torrent of news and you were barely able to keep up! It was just like when he started telling you about a movie he liked when he was little. Every little detail and happening held equal significance in his eyes. It was just so refreshing.

He went on about aliens (you’ve met quite few, one of them who had told you how dream bubbles worked), his adventures in the game, how he died (more or less twice, but you’re relieved it was temporary), and how he jumped through his ecto-sister and spent the last two years on a meteor.

Two years? It hasn’t felt like two years. Must be time shenanigans.

You smiled when he finally decided to take a breath, but it wavered when you noticed John’s features briefly lace with worry. He noticed you notice, and hastily blurted out, “so how have you been?” 

You humored his change of topic and took a puff from your pipe, facing forward and directing your gaze to the turned off television screen. “I’ve been as well as someone who has passed on would be.”

“I saw that you were hanging out with Rose’s mom,” he said slyly, “what have you two been up to? Before Jack, that is.“

The corner of your mouth turned upwards. “You know, _things_. We had a dinner and a few drinks. It was nice, but the ending could’ve definitely been better.”

“Heh, I bet. What about before that? When we first got sent to the veil?”

You hummed thoughtfully. “Let’s see, after I get kidnapped by a bunch of rowdy little harlequins...” You painted the story of your adventure in typical fatherly vernacular whilst still paying special attention to John’s reactions as he listened. He’d ask the occasional question (huh? why did Jack just let you go?), but at other times, his focus would wander off a bit. There was a brief silence once you had finished your recounting, but you weren’t intending to let it last. 

Your parental perceptions picked up John’s display of all those nervous ticks that signified he either did something wrong or has a difficult topic to bring up: his gaze was aimed at his shoes, his fingers were laced together and situated in his lap, and he was twiddling his thumbs.

“So what’s troubling you, son?” John glanced at you and then away, as if pondering whether or not to share his predicament. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

He nodded. “Uh, I kind of… messed up.”

“As long as we’re here, why don’t you tell me the matter and see if I have some fatherly wisdom to impart on the subject. My physical role in your life may have… diminished, but I feel I wouldn’t be fulfilling my fatherly duties if I didn’t at least listen to your problems.”

That last statement was tinged with a bit too much sadness and guilt after you actually heard yourself say it. You did, indeed, feel very bad for dying when you did. John was the last person who would hold it against you, but you wish you could’ve done more for him. Regardless, what happened in the past was just that. You worried what would happen to him without your presence, but, from the looks of things and what you’ve heard from other meetings in this dream-like afterlife, he’s done amazingly well. You were so proud, and you dismissed any depressing thoughts with a drag from your pipe.

“I got someone pregnant,” he finally said and you nearly choked. He patted your back as you huffed through your coughing fit. You definitely weren’t expecting that.

“I… see,” you managed to say hoarsely in between coughs. Yes, definitely unexpected.

More silence.

You started to refill your pipe (even though dream bubbles made it unnecessary) as you contemplated your response, but your hesitance wasn’t helping John’s nerves from the looks of it. 

“Tell me, son. This may sound awfully terrible coming from your father, but how old are you now?”

“Fifteen.”

You repeated his answer under your breath. Fatherhood at fifteen. That’s not a prospect you were hoping to see your son face at that age. However, with circumstances as they are…

“I’m going to be perfectly honest with you, John.” His attention was focused completely on you, awaiting your words as you removed the pipe from your lips. “I don’t think I can offer any insight beyond the obvious choice in your predicament and I’ve always known that you are a smart boy.” Being dead, you felt it not really your place to berate your son, and you’re sure he already knew what he must do. “So I’m wondering, what will you do now?”

“The obvious choice.”

“Which is?” you prodded him on, gesturing your pipe towards him.

“Be the father?” he quickly stated as much as asked.

You gave him a proud nod and gave him a rough fatherly pat on the shoulder. “Excellent. Just do what you have to do. Handle your business.”

“Right.”

He was looking a bit surer of himself, reassuring you that you still possessed excellent pep-talk skills (if this could pass as one). Intent on steering the conversation to more comfortable waters (for one of you at least) and fishing up a bit of info which may or may not benefit your prankster’s gambit, you followed up by saying in the most casual of tones, “So, tell me about this lucky _lady._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed John's dialogue a bit during the whole emotional whirlwind part, since someone on the kinkmeme commented on it being awkward. I agreed, so I went with something a little different with his lines. Hopefully it sounds more like him!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is one of those chapters that I feel require individual warnings/tagging.
> 
> **WARNING: thoughts of self harm, and psychic mindfuckery**
> 
> This part may seem like a big flip for the general tone of previous chapters, and honestly, I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote this... I think I was experimenting or something??
> 
> I'd also like to note that this fic was initially started and the character relationships planned out back in **April 2012** when I was pretty new to the homestuck and the ~~inescapable black hole that is its~~ fandom. There is some Pale Karkat/Gamzee, and I wrote it with only the famous shooshpap preceding Cascade to work with, so it might be pretty off base compared to the canon we have now, depending on how you view things.

**== > Karkat: Wallow in self-loathing**

You were already well into doing that, but at the same time you were curling in on yourself in complete _agony_. Jegus fuck! It was like your body was trying to kick its own ass after that flagrant display you put on just before you stormed out of the computer lab. It felt like every possible joint below your waist was on _fire_ and you were cramping up something fierce. It hurt to move and your head and your horns seemed to throb in unison with every beat of your blood pusher, like your little break down opened the dam to a whole slew of aches.

You can’t say you don’t deserve it, though. You have never flipped your shit so hard, and you totally snapped at Kanaya and probably really hurt John. 

Oh fuck, _John._

You honestly weren’t aiming to hit his bulge. Your foot was going for the shin, but in your bout of hysterics, ended up a bit off mark, enough to go straight up between his legs. Oh god! You might’ve seriously marred his shame globes! They literally just hang out there with absolutely _no_ protection, and you weren’t particularly holding back when executing that kick.

Oh god, oh man… John will probably want nothing to do with you now! You’ve finally found someone who could pity you and you go and fuck it up by ruining his groin.

Why must you tarnish everything remotely good that comes your way!?

You gasped out an ugly sob as you tried to will yourself to stop crying into the pillow you were embracing. Needless to say you failed miserably. This was fucking infuriating. You're more one to repeatedly pound your skull into the wall than one to cry into soft furniture accessories! John’s pillow was going to be inevitably stained pink from your freakish tears as the overwhelming hate you had for yourself grew at your inability to stop.

When you ran off, you ended up back in John’s respiteblock even though you could’ve gone to your own in a shorter amount of time via transportalizer. As a matter of fact, you could barely remember consciously deciding where you were heading off to. You just knew that you spent several minutes freaking out before your lower body flared up in pain and you collapsed onto John’s bed. The large piece of human furniture bought back a slew of memories.

Damn it, you are so pathetic. You couldn’t even get pailed without it coming back to bite you in the ass… Leave it to your failure of an existence to turn something so wonderful into one of the worst decisions you have ever made. It was only one instance and you ended up with something growing inside of you.

Your grip on your sweater tightened when the thought ran through your head again. How the hell is this even _possible_? Was it because you were a candy-blooded mutant? You had no idea what was going on and you were miserable and everything _hurt._

Your mind was swirling as you flipped over to your back, hissing through the pain and staring half-lidded and teary eyed at the ceiling. Maybe whatever was inside you would just gnaw on your insides until you died. Painfully and slowly. It felt like it was already halfway done with it. There was also what felt like a deep mental rumble echoing in your head and pulsing through your horns.

_You could just get rid of them first._

Whoa wait, them? There’s more than one!? Oh, god! There were no words to describe how horrified you were.

_He did say they weren’t good news._

That’s true, John did say that. It was a great responsibility he said. They had a game to play, how would they deal with this on top of whatever bullshit they know the game is going to throw at them?

_Remove the parasites and be done with it._

Yes, that was something you could do. Get rid of them and pretend that they never existed, and everything would go back to how it was, right?

Ignoring the fact you were listening to a god damned voice in your head, you lifted your dominant arm and withdrew HOMES SMELL YA LATER from your strife specibus. You held the weapon upwards above you, twisting it ever so slightly and catching the dim light emitting from John’s computer monitor. The brightly colored sickle has served you well during the game and it seems it will serve you just as well now.

_Such a lovely sacrificial tool._

As you admired the sickle, you failed to notice your surroundings seemingly darken. Your vision narrowed, focusing on the weapon exclusively, and the outskirts of your perception writhed impatiently, hungrily even. But you didn’t care about that shit. 

You had some carving to do.

The hem of your sweater was rolled up to just under your chest, exposing the curve of your belly. It sickened you to think that there was something in there besides your usual disgusting sacs and organic apparatuses, _ruining everything._

This was going to be so easy, but the tears flowed from your eyes relentlessly. You’ve been stabbed before, so this shouldn’t be any worse, right?

_Right._

Thanks for the confirmation, rumbling voice in your head. The sickle turns in your hand so that the point faced downward towards your abdomen, and you lowered it slowly. Your sickle-wielding arm was usually steady when the tool was in its grasp, slicing cleanly through inky flesh, as if it were cheap tissue paper used to make a wriggler’s faux floral art gift for lusus day, with deadly efficiency. Now, it shook horribly and resisted your control, as if it disagreed with the insane action your brain was prepping it to execute. 

Your other hand shot up and gripped your wrist, steadying the damned thing as the sickle’s point touched the sensitive skin just a few human inches below your abdominal metamorphic scar. You held your breath and bit back any forthcoming sobs. They were making things harder than they needed to be. All you required was a bit more pressure and one clean movement.  
 _Yes, do it._

Just a bit more pressure and one clean…

_SACRIFICE THEM TO ME._

Bing!

The abrupt sound from the computer, amplified by your recently sensitized aural sponge clots, made you jump and you moved your weapon away from its readied position. The haze in your head lifted and for the first time you realized, as you eyed the sickle in your hand, just what you were planning to _do_ with it.

Holy shit!

Scared out of your wits, you threw the implement and clambered backwards until the back of your head bumped into the bed’s headboard, trying to get far away from the item that you just nearly _cut yourself open_ with. It spun through the air and pierced the metal of the opposite wall with a resonating “thunk,” sticking in place just inches away from John’s television.

What the _fuck_ were you thinking? Have you gone insane?! You were _that_ close to gutting yourself, following suggestions of a voice in your think pan! What made it worse was that you felt no qualms about doing it. If that sound hadn’t snapped you out of it, John’s bed would be stained by more than just pink tears…

You started to shake uncontrollably.

The edges of your vision were still lined with a life-like darkness, and you shook your head, trying to clear away the mental wisps, and brought your knees to your chest, leaning forward to bury your face into them. Your blood pusher was going crazy and your breath was coming in shallow gasps. All the pain you were in wanted to remind you that it was still present and probably not planning to leave you alone any time soon.

You didn’t know what fuck was going on, and you were absolutely terrified.

Bing!

The noise that snapped you out of your suicidal fugue sounded again and brought your attention to John’s computer. He had a couple pesterchum windows up with… purple text? Why would Gamzee need to troll John? The answer to that that question was the last thing you were searching for when you frantically hobbled over to the computer chair. 

Apparently your matesprit and moirail had been talking earlier judging by the length of the conversation in one window. You scrolled upwards to see what they chatted about.

terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB].

TC: HONK  
EB: hey gamzee!  
TC: hey windy bro  
TC: IS MY MOTHERFUCKIN BEST FRIEND  
TC: all up and awake now?  
EB: no, karkat is still snoozing, he’s not feeling all that well.

Huh, this must’ve taken place during one your two recent naps.

TC: AW SHIT  
TC: in that case i’ll just up and wait for him then.  
EB: is there something wrong? do you need to talk to him?  
EB: do you, uh, feel like “getting your murder on” or some such?  
TC: NAW MAN I’M MOTHERFUCKIN CHILL.  
TC: i just wanted to ask if my best friend could test one of my new wicked elixirs.  
TC: HE USUALLY REFUSES MOTHERFUCKIN OUTRIGHT BECAUSE HE’S ALL SUSPICIOUS AND SHIT.  
TC: but i up and ask him anyway. :o)  
EB: wicked elixirs, like potions?  
TC: MOTHERFUCK YEAH, WINDY BRO!  
EB: he never mentioned you make potions!  
EB: what’s it do?  
TC: all kinds of shit, i even got one that can up and make you a better kisser.  
TC: >;o)  
EB: hm interesting…  
EB: that is relevant to my interests, sir gamzee.  
EB: do you think i can have one of those and see if karkat notices a difference?  
TC: WHOA.  
TC: you want to be trying to use my elixirs to up and make my moirail feel some motherfuckin miracles?  
EB: hells yeah! >B)  
EB: i will be the MASTER of interspecies makeouts.  
EB: and karkat will be all like “oooh john oooh, ” and totally swoon into my arms.  
EB: it will be glorious.  
TC: THAT IS THE BEST MOTHERFUCKIN IDEA THAT I’VE UP AND HEARD ALL SWEEP.  
EB: haha thanks!  
EB: i'll just ask karkat to pick one up for me when he sees you next time, but don’t tell him what it does! say its for awesome rapping skills or something.  
TC: windybro, i totally need to make one for that, but i don’t think any of them had those kind of awesome slamming skills.  
TC: THE ONE THAT DID WAS ALL USED UP ON THE KISSING POTION.  
EB: them? what do you mean?  
TC: honk  
TC: AIN’T A THING BRO, JUST STIRRING THINGS IN MY THINK PAN OUT LOUD AND SHIT.  
EB: oh, okay.  
EB: remember, it’s our little secret… a secret that is being secretly kept between his quadrant partners!  
EB: i suspect both of our gambits could benefit from this!

What… what are you reading? You’re glad your two quadrants are getting along quite swimmingly, but what the hell were they planning!? Kissing potion? Really, John? _Really!?_ That idiot… There’s no wonder why you pity him so much. On the plus side, your quadrant partners’ collective stupidity was grounding you a bit.

TC: haha right on. whatever the fuck a gambit is. :o)  
TC: CATCH YOU LATER  
TC: pchooooo  
EB: what  
EB: why are you saying pchoo omg what did karkat tell you???  
TC: HUH NO REASON BRO.  
TC: one day he was all up on the horn pile all smiles and shit and i heard him say pchoo.

Whoops…

TC: WHATEVER THE MOTHERFUCK IT WAS IT MUST HAVE BEEN A GOOD THING.  
EB: yes, let us leave it at that. it definitely was a good thing that does not need any sort of elaboration.  
EB: ever.  
TC: his smiles are like little miracles.  
EB: i agree! he has the best smiles.  
EB: i try to make him do it more often.  
TC: KEEP IT UP CUZ ITS WORKING.  
TC: honk :o)  
EB: will do!

terminallyCapricious [TC] has ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]. 

Ugh. You have to make it a point to not smile so much. Everyone keeps thinking it’s the _best god damn thing ever_. Seriously, everyone needs to get the fuck over the slight twitches in your face muscles, whether they are instigated by positive mood swings or otherwise.

The computer alerted you to another message, so you minimized that conversation and brought the newer window to the front. 

terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]. 

TC: yoooooo.  
TC: I GOT THE MOTHERFUCKIN POTION YOU WANTED READY.  
TC: just gotta up and send karkat to get it :o)  
EB: GAMZEE, I FORBID YOU FROM GIVING JOHN ANY OF THOSE GOD AWFUL POTIONS YOU’VE BEEN BREWING.  
EB: JOHN IS AN IMPRESSIONABLE IDIOT AND THE LAST THING I WANT TO HEAR IS HIS HUMAN BLUH RESOUNDING THROUGHOUT THE METEOR AFTER INGESTING THAT OBVIOUSLY TOXIC SLEW THINKING IT WILL ACTUALLY MAKE HIM A BETTER KISSER.  
EB: I GUESS BEING GOD TIER ERASED ANY INHIBITIONS WHEN IT COMES TO INGESTING FLUIDS THAT COULD QUITE POSSIBLY KILL YOU.   
EB: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY THE HE WOULD THINK HE NEEDED THAT!  
TC: karkat?  
EB: YES, IT’S FUCKING KARKAT.  
TC: FUCK.  
TC: i mean. what is this potion you are all up and talking about? i know nothing of this motherfucking potion.  
EB: I’M GOING TO LOOK PAST YOUR DELIBERATE ATTEMPT AT IGNORANCE AND DROP THE SUBJECT BECAUSE I’M LITERALLY FREAKING THE FUCK OUT AND ON THE VERGE OF GOING INSANE.  
TC: :o0  
EB: MY EYES ARE LITERALLY FLOATING ON TOP OF WATERFALLS OF MUTANT PINK OCULAR DISCHARGE AND I CAN’T STOP AND I’M BARELY ABLE TO TYPE I’M SO SCARED.  
TC: HONK.  
TC: hey best friend.  
TC: SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED TO UP AND GET YOUR JAM ON.  
EB: I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN MAKE THE TRIP TO WHEREVER THE HELL YOU ARE THIS TIME. TOO MANY STAIRS INVOLVED AND TOO MUCH PAIN MOVING AROUND.  
TC: :o(  
TC: i can meet you where you are then?  
EB: WAIT, NO. THAT’S NOT A GOOD IDEA, I’M IN JOHN’S RESPITEBLOCK.  
EB: IT’S TOO RISKY FOR YOU TO COME DOWN HERE BECAUSE TEREZI AND KANAYA ARE STILL ADAMANT ON HANDING YOU YOUR ASS ON A NUTRITION PLATEAU WITH A HEAPING HELPING OF JUSTICE.  
EB: THE SCARY PART IS THAT BOTH THE LITERAL AND FIGURATIVE INTERPRETATIONS OF THAT PHRASE ARE BOTH PRETTY DAMN PLAUSIBLE.  
TC: AW.  
TC: the sisters are still up and angry at me?  
EB: I THINK IT GOES WITHOUT FUCKING SAYING.  
TC: I GUESS WE HAVE TO MOTHERFUCKIN DO IT THIS WAY THEN.  
TC: ok, let me be getting my digital paps on whilst sitting in our digital horn pile to put some wicked haltage to this downright debilitating sadness mode. now what’s the problem best friend?  
EB: OH MY GOD GAMZEE I DON’T EVEN KNOW. I PROBABLY FUCKED UP MY QUADRANT WITH JOHN AND I NEARLY CULLED MY SELF LISTENING TO A VOICE IN MY HEAD AND I CAN’T STOP SHAKING.  
TC: :o(  
TC: PAP PAP PAP  
TC: shoooosh its okay, you just gotta get your chill on  
TC: INSTEAD OF TRYING TO GET YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SELF-MURDER ON.  
EB: I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF THAT’S A THING. IT DIDN’T EVEN FEEL LIKE I WAS CONSCIOUSLY DOING IT.  
EB: THE ALMOST CULLING MYSELF THING.  
TC: i think you best be getting to telling me about this fuckin voice in your pan.

Just reading Gamzee’s text and imagining it in his laidback and somewhat whimsical way of speaking already started to soothe you. It is a duty that you took upon yourself to make sure he stayed in check, but it surprised you how good he was at being a moirail himself. Hell, you doubt you’d be with John at this time if it weren’t for his constant advice to “chill the motherfuck out and just let the miracles happen, best friend.”

But then again, that’s how you ended up in this predicament in the first place. In any case, you tried recounting the last few moments of freaking out, and found it a bit more difficult than recounting your usual flip outs. It felt like something was continually knocking you upside the head. 

EB: I’M NOT EVEN SURE IF IT WAS REAL. I MIGHT JUST BE GOING INSANE, OR MAYBE I‘M DEVELOPING A CANCEROUS TUMOR ON MY LOBESTEM. IT’D JUST BE MY LUCK. IN FACT, IT'D PROBABLY BE THE MOST APPROPRIATE GOD DAMN THING EVER!  
EB: IT COULD BE PSYCHIC, BUT IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE VRISKA’S MINDFUCKERY. IT WAS A FUCKTON CREEPIER.

As you typed, the rumbling feeling coursed through you again and your vision blurred at the edges. 

_You will cease this._

You shook your head and ignored it, trying your damned hardest to not freak out any more than you already were.

EB: FUCK.  
EB: NEVERMIND THE VOICE IS REAL. I CAN STILL HEAR THE DAMNED THING OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS  
TC: WHAT’S IT ALL MOTHERFUCKIN TELLING YOU?   
EB: I THINK IT WANTS ME TO STOP TALKING TO YOU.   
TC: fuck that noise >:o)  
TC: TELL IT TO STEP OFF. 

You ran the notion through your head, and you were rewarded with a sharp throb to one lobe. The pain continued to pulse as it slowly spread to the rest of your of your pan. Fuck, you think you made it mad, assuming it had access to your thoughts.

_I WILL NOT BE SO EASILY CAST OFF._

Okay, it definitely knew what you were thinking. Whatever the fuck it was, it felt like it was psychically drilling into your skull, but it was picking up the drill bit and trying it at random spots for a fraction of a second at a time. The pain was just all over your brain. You gripped a tuft of your hair, pulling slightly and screwing your eyes shut as you tried to keep whatever it was out. You were starting to get dizzy as the voice boomed in your head.

_YOU WILL OFFER THEM TO ME. RETRIEVE YOUR TOOL_

Okay, now it was definitely angry. Who is this douchebag and what the hell does it want!?

_MY RESTORATION WILL NOT BE HALTED BY SOME FOOL. RETRIEVE. YOUR. SICKLE._

Each command the voice threw at you made the room feel like it was shaking. 

“Ffffuck,” you whimpered to yourself. You really wished you had the psychic resistance that graced highbloods and the lucky handful of your friends, and it was beginning to be too much. Your head fell downward onto the keyboard.

EB: ;’gohjm’”p[o  
TC: :o0  
TC: bro are you okay?  
TC: WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK IS GOING ON?  
TC: best friend????  
TC: >:o(

Gamzee’s messages continued beeping, but you were barely able to look up at the screen.

_Fine…_

There was a disconcerting amount of finality in that last message. For a moment, the waves ceased, but the reprieve was quickly ended by another set of waves that surged through your entire form. Your eyes widened as pure unadulterated terror engulfed your consciousness, slowly blackening your sight and sending images of your sickle and your bright red blood spiraling around your head. Each suggestion it threw at you hit like thunder and you felt like you were going to go deaf even though there weren’t any actual sounds.

EB: FUCK FUCK FUCK  
EB: GAMZEE I THINK IT’S ROYALLY PISSED. 

\-- terminallyCapricious [TC]  is now idle! --

EB: WAIT GAMZEE  
EB: DON’T GO

The creeping shadows soon surrounded you completely and your flight response kicked in. You twisted around frantically trying to find a way out. There was none. That didn’t stop you from wanting to get up to run to some place that wasn’t here, though. Fuck aching joints, something that you’ve made very angry was trying to get you!

Your shaking muscles were unresponsive. 

Fuck! 

You looked down as tendrils of darkness began to extend from the surroundings and writhe their way around your limbs. They constricted around your chest and your breaths grew shorter. Soon you wouldn’t be able to breathe.

Just when you thought it wasn’t going to get any worse (a foolish notion in itself, given your record, because it always gets worse… _always_ ), you were assaulted by a horrid stench, despite your near inability to breath. Fetid, decaying… like death was but a mere stride away. A stride ahead or behind, you couldn’t tell. It made your sniffnodes burn and your stomach want to vacate the vicinity more than it already did moments ago. You began to see blood, pouring generously from countless wounds on a body you could not see, coagulation all but given up trying to stop their flow. It wasn’t yours, though. The color was unrecognizable and it pooled around you, toxic and thick.

You shut your eyes, the tears flowing once more, as you hoped, _prayed_ , that this was some horrible dream as your brain was continually pounded with these psychic images. The tendrils thickened as they coiled around your torso, bunching around you like giant hungry slitherbeasts trying to suffocate you from all possible angles.

Suddenly there was a faint wispy sound, and you actually felt something physical grip you on both of your sides and lift you upward, tearing you from the shadowy binds anchoring you to the chair. Control of your body returned long enough for you to thrash and scream at your aggressor.

Then there was a soft slap to your cheek and the drawn out sound of air rushing past softly clenched teeth, pulling you out of your mental prison and blowing away the blackness.

“Whoa, calm down motherfucker.”

You shakily twisted your head around, and you have never been so relieved to see that paint decorated mug and that stupid toothy grin.

 

**== > Gamzee: Calm you moirail.**

You are Gamzee Makara, and what the motherfuck is happening up in here? You’ve just rushed halfway across the meteor because your moirail was totally flipping his shit over a motherfuckin voice in his head. 

You were the absolute last one to deny the urgency of voices being in someone’s head.

“G-ga-m” he stuttered, still shaking horribly in your arms.

“Shhhhh,” you shooshed softly, patting him on the cheek. You took a step back and sat down on John’s bed, placing Karkat between your legs so that he was facing you and so you could examine him more closely.

Motherfuck, he did not look good. His normally gray complexion was pale enough to rival your own painted face. His eyes, wide and fearful, stared up at you, their pupils miniscule amongst the vast yellow. His breathing was punctuated by sobs and he was seriously shaking. 

“Whoa,” you gasped when you finally saw his horns. The adorable little nubs were bright red. Even you knew that wasn’t normal. You brought a hand up to touch one, but the pained sound Karkat emitted made you regret the action. You went back to examining his face, running a hand worriedly through your unruly hair, when he started stuttering again.

“I-I, T-told y-”

“SHOOSH MOTHERFUCKER,” you commanded sharply. You realized your misstep when he flinched away from you. Fuck, even after nearly a sweep, you didn’t have this moiraling business down to a tee. That shoosh was way too loud and forceful, and accomplished the exact opposite of what you wanted it to. Got to work on that. You offered more soft pats to his cheek. “Sorry, bro. Just give me a minute.”

You left your hand on his face, carefully wiping away a pink tear with your clawed thumb, and he closed his eyes in a feeble attempt to relax, nuzzling into your hand.

He looked so small. You mean, he’s always been small… because it’s Karkat, but he always had a presence thanks to his loud and ornery nature that befitted a great leader. Now, it just wasn’t there. His shoulders were rounded forward and he hunched timidly. AND THAT MOTHERFUCKING SHAKING. This was _not_ the Karkat you knew and pitied, and seeing him in this state made you angry.

So _very_ angry.

You took a deep breath. Your rage had to wait. Karkat needed you, and logic (something that you discovered after sobering up) dictated that if you went shithive maggots, he was not in any condition to put your urges down with his masterful paps and shooshing. When you withdrew your hand, he leaned forward trying to keep contact with your long, thin fingers for as long as possible. You took the opportunity to bend down and touch your forehead against his.

“Okay, let’s see what’s up and going on in that pan of yours.”

With your prolonged sobriety, alongside the miracle that is logic, came a psychic clarity that you would have never believed you could have. While what you knew you could do was limited at the time, you felt like there was plenty of potential.

You closed your eyes and held Karkat steady as you started to feel out his mental waves. They were definitely all kinds of fucked up. Fear permeated his pan in a way that you couldn’t decipher. Being the novice psychic that you were, it was all terribly confusing. You knew the chucklevoodoos could cause terror and mental unrest in a troll, but this seemed… different.

Wait. Who’s _this_ douchebag?

You could sense another consciousness connected and mingling with your moirail’s, disrupting his patterns and flow. Again, your inexperience didn’t allow you to learn any more than that, but you needed to do something. Leaving Karkat like this was motherfucking _unacceptable._

You concentrated on a more familiar ability, but changed it up a bit: you were going to up and send some motherfucking chucklevoodoos to this psychic saboteur. 

Your own pan began to throb, quite unused to concentrating this hard, as you focused on the intruding consciousness. Images of happy clowns whisked through your mind’s eye, and you brought a mental hand to your mental chin as you tried to piece together the perfect gift to send that douche bag.

You settled on an eerily cheerful mug with purple paint outlining its mouth and eyes. Its unnaturally wide smile created prominent lines in its face and its brow held layers of joy-filled creases. The eyes were beady, and anyone who can share the clown’s mirth and fearlessly stare into them will see untold miracles…

Atleast, you’d like to think so.

With the image fully put together, your own brow furrowed as your psychic ability was put into action. Karkat seemed to notice the change in your face.

“G-Gamzee, what are-“

He’s interrupted by his own shriek when your pan pulsed out a single psychic wave that skipped over his like an empty Faygo bottle thrown over the ocean at just the right angle, and smacked right into the other consciousness. Karkat writhed in your grasp for a second, then fell limp.

“Hey, best friend, you okay?”

No response.

“Kaaaarkat.” You shook him a bit and applied a bit of papping. Still no response. Worry spread across your face when his head lolled back, giving you a view of his blank stare and the bit of foamy drool coming out of his mouth.

“OH MOTHERFUCK!”

You are Gamzee Makara, and you think you just fried your moirail’s brain.

 

**== > Karkat: Wake**

Slap!

You woke up to a sharp pain to the left side of your face. Before you could even gather your wits, a hand slapped your cheek again before the arm around you began to shake you roughly.

“Augh!” you screamed in shock, “stop stop stop, what are you doing!?”

“Shit, bro! You had me all scared!”

It was Gamzee, and the look of relief on his face had you a bit confused and more than a little miffed.

“Scared enough to slap my face to hell and back?!”  


“BUT NOTHING WAS WORKING,” he countered harshly. Knowing the tone was just one of the alternating nuances of his speaking, it did nothing to diminish your scowl and burning desire to berate the shit out of him.

“So that was obviously the best course of action alongside shaking me and see if some pyramidal structure would breach the surface of my sloshing brain juices and reveal uselessly inaccurate answers to questions you’re retarded enough to ask! And what the hell are you doing here!? I told you not come down here, it’s…” Your rant was interrupted when you noticed you weren’t presently dying at the hand of some psychic brainfuckery. “Gamzee, what did you do?”

He shrugged. “I just up and tried some chucklevoodoos and to see if I could get rid of that motherfucker. Did it work?”

You rubbed your tender face and shook your head a bit. It felt clear… well, clearer. It seemed you still had that perpetual headache for the past who-knows-how-long, but it was infinitely better than moments before.

“I… guess so?”

“ALRIGHT!” he cheered, smiling lazily, “I wasn’t even sure I could do it.”

“And it occurred to you to try it on me? Oh yes, let’s most definitely try some newfound psychic shit on Karkat that you didn’t even _know_ would work when I was already bulge deep in the psychic clutches of some-“

Gamzee interrupted your second tirade with a softer pat to your cheek. It still hurt the sensitive skin a bit (Gog, how many times did he slap you?), but the sting didn’t diminish its effect.

“Shhhhh, don’t up and fret about that, best friend. I got this. Why don’t you just tell what’s going on with this thing between you and the windybro that got you up and emotional?”

“Wait, doesn’t it seem more important to try and figure out what was trying to _kill_ me earlier?”

“I SAID I’LL MOTHERFUCKIN HANDLE IT,” he yelled, angry eyes widening in irritation.

“Okay, okay, fine! Fuck!” you conceded, raising a hand give Gamzee a quick pap. He calmed instantly.

You decided to just huff and settle down, leaning forward and resting against Gamzee’s chest, prompting him to tighten his embrace around you. A relaxed sigh passed your lips as the feeling of safety washes over you.  
Despite the fact that the taintsniffing asshole outright ignored you and is presently at _extreme risk_ of breaking the unwritten agreement between you and the ladies who still have intentions to “Wound Him Somewhat,” you were overwhelmingly relieved he was here. As long as he didn’t go about killing people (or getting himself killed) you didn’t really have a reason to not just let it go and jam out your other problems. 

You guessed you could say that you had a weird trust thing going on with Gamzee that comes with moirallegiance. Even you couldn’t explain it, but you honestly believed he will handle it. All things considered, and he may be the best one to deal with a psychic considering his resistance to it and his own newfound psychic bullshit.

You just hoped neither of the troll girls decided to walk into John’s room while the two of you were here. John’s room was well within their usual paths, hence the _extreme risk_. The agreement encompassed Kanaya no longer actively searching for clown related quarry, but did not include not carrying out desires to inflict harm on sight… You weren’t even entirely sure Terezi intended to inflict harm, but you just _know_ she has some justice to dole out one way or another through probably less painful (but no less psychopathic) methods.

Why did all of your friends have to be different shades of crazy?


	5. Troll Reproduction for Assholes Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are little excerpts that are more or less info dumps in an ornery tone straight from the book Aranea gave Kanaya in the story. (this was posted alongside the previous chapter, so be sure to read chapter 4 first!)
> 
> I contemplated adding this to regular chapters, since these are going to be short and don't come up too often, keeping them separate shouldn't be too much of a problem, I'd think.

**== > Read section of relevance**

**Troll Reproduction Part 2: Section V: The Bad of Pregnancy Hormones and Other Chemical Bullshit**

Let me state this outright, because anybody who’s experienced this biological travesty will know what I’m talking about. 

Pregnancy Hormones are Troll Satan Incarnate. I fucking kid you not. If I am lying, let our magnanimous empress cull me for my horrible offense to that which is truth and sincerity. Okay let’s get this over with. 

The hormones are necessary for the process, obviously, but they come with their slew of horrible effects designed to make you (and possibly everyone around you) as miserable as possible.

The first effect takes place during the first quarter after conception, usually after the first couple weeks. One of the myriad of chemicals surging through the veins is a stabilizing hormone that affects a troll differently based on their individual demeanor. Don’t know what that means? Good thing you have this book. You drooling shitheads would be completely lost without me. Simply put, more aggressive trolls become more docile and the doormat variety becomes a bit more assertive. It often alters a troll’s personality and moods to a level that is more conducive to their well being (more or less.) Evolution figured you can’t have the crazy hot heads getting into deadly fights with bellies heavy with eggs or the meeker ilk letting everyone else do whatever the hell they want to them.

“Wait, this section was supposed to be about the horrible effects of these hormones,” you might state. Well, if you hold your hoofbeasts I’ll be getting to that! The stabilizing effect is a bit of a double edged sword. While it keeps a troll’s mood in a more positive neutral position, extreme emotional distress can make them go completely off the emotional deep end (read: freak the fuck out) for a short while. After that bit of hysteria ends, there’s a slightly longer period of distress either through uncharacteristic weeping or raging anger.

So yeah, lots of emotional fuckery going on.

Now besides that, we have some physical effects from the hormones. Those won’t be listed here because they differ far too greatly from troll to troll, but there’s one effect, besides the one on the troll’s horns, that is shared between all trolls that starts during the earlier stages of the pregnancy.

A searing, mind numbing pain in the lower half of the body.

The chemical changes cause painful inflammation in the pelvic region and lower joints, often so badly that the troll cannot move. There’s speculation that the pain is a result of rapid development in preparation for the laying. It’s probably bullshit, but it has some semblance of sense.

The flare ups (known as flares to the erudite, which (besides me of course) do not exist) last anywhere between just a short moment and for several hours, depending on several factors such as age, sex, whether or not the troll has brooded before, and how far along they are already. They tend to be much more intense for males, while females have longer episodes. Younger trolls (usually ranging from six to nine sweeps) and those brooding for the first time also tend to have very hard first and second quarters, the pain easing up in the third and fourth. For older trolls who’ve brooded at least once before, they are far less painful, and are sometimes nothing more than a dull ache from the get go.

In any case, it will most likely be the _worst thing you will ever feel_. It will be like someone taking a god damned jackhammer to your crotch and trying to drill you and half. I should know. I’m a middle aged olive blood and it was _unbearable_ (If you didn’t catch that implication, I’ve indeed had my own clutch in preparation for writing this book because my matesprit was a total nooksucker about it “possibly ruining her figure.” Please, as if her bomb figure can be botched by a bit of wiggler weight. If you douchebags read the dedications at the beginning of this book you would have easily deduced this. Assuming you weren’t sopor slurping degenerates, that is. Does anyone read those in the first place??)

**== > Turn to dedications at beginning of book**

Dedicated with all the pity to my wigglers: Myjner and Ahmrid 

You will always be Mamatroll’s favorites, you little shits!

Also dedicated with all the hatred to my editor, who does not deserve to be named, because he made me write more informatively than my usual style and with a mere fraction of my verbal barbs for the in depth version of this book. Fuck that bitch.

**== > Turn to “An Asshole’s Glossary”**

**quarter** : one section of time that a troll’s pregnancy is divided into. There are four of them (no shit), lasting approximately 35 days, each one marking a different stage of development of the eggs’ formation.

 **flare** : Also called a “flare up.” An episode of intense pain in the pelvic region and lower body due to inflammation caused by pregnancy hormones. Length and intensity vary.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember having so much fun writing these parts. Heheh.

**== > John: Tell father about your precious Karkat**

Okay, that was definitely something you will _not_ be doing, and there were several perfectly valid reasons for that!

One, Karkat is an alien.

Two, Karkat is a boy.

Three, telling him risks possible grilling if Karkat happened to meet him in a later dream bubble.

Four, Karkat is a _boy_. For future reference, reasons two and four are also reasons five, seven, and eight. The other unstated reasons were of lesser importance, because you feared three of the four already stated ones would freak your dad out. Trolls may not have specific gender oriented privates, but regardless, he is still socially male (what the hell’s the difference between male and female trolls besides appearance, anyway? Maybe you should read farther into that book). When you thought about it, that fact might make him freak out even more! He will freak out so bad the dream bubble will implode on itself _you just know it._

Oh god, how are you going to get out of this one?

 

**== > Father: Patiently take puff from pipe**

You did so as you watched your son inwardly flip out beside you. One thing about your son that was apparent to all around him was that he did very poor job hiding his unease. Your request to tell you about his “partner in the dirty dance” more than likely caught him off guard, but what issue could it possibly bring up that would make him overreact in such a manner?

Your son, he _has_ the drama. Clearly. You felt that there was no need for such a reaction, but you could just _tell_ that your gambit will thoroughly enjoy this ensuing conversation…

And you think you may have a general idea why. This will require much more prying.

“Sooooo?” you nudged him with your elbow. “Who is she?”

“Well...”

“John,” you said authoritatively, using a familiar, expectant drawl. John knew the one. He brought his hand up and started nervously scratching the back of his head.

“The lucky lady, uh, right, you see…” 

He was still hesitant, so you figured it was time to jiggle your line a bit if he was just going to dance around the hook. You also wondered where this fishing metaphor came from, since you found fishing horribly boring.

Before you could employ your next move, the dream bubble started to blur and waver, changing to accommodate a new memory. The wall opposite of you opened up and the floor gradually shifted from carpet to a metallic paneling as it moved past the newly opened threshold. The first thing you noticed was the bed in the corner, its sheets covered with little ghosts. You could tell that was John’s bed, but the rest of the room was vastly different. It was sparsely furnished, containing a desk with a computer on top, a chair, a large television across the room from the bed, and a lone clock ticking adjacent to it. There was also the magic chest you remember buying him sitting in the room’s corner.

“What have we here?” you asked, glancing at the unfamiliar set up.

“It’s my room on the meteor,” John answered, seemingly glad for the shift in your attention.

You suddenly noticed the large collection of movies and an equally large pile of dirty clothes in the corner. “Ah, now I see. Do you plan on doing your laundry anytime soon?”

“Uhm, yes?”

“Mmhm,” you hummed skeptically. “Anyway, back to what we were talking about before.”

“Darn, I was hoping we could discuss my horrible laundering habits!”

“John, please. I wouldn’t dare forget about such an important topic due to your typical teenage messiness. If that were the case, I’d never get anything done!” 

He let out an exasperated sigh. “I just… prefer not to tell you who it is,” he said, shamefully avoiding your gaze. It was a bit staggering to see how uncomfortable he felt about it, but you were nowhere near done prying information out of him.

“Alright, then. You have forced my hand,” you said, quite deadpan.

“What?”

“I will just have to guess who it is. I do enjoy a good guessing game.”

“Oh nooooo,” your son moaned. You couldn’t help but smirk in amusement. As a parent, it was your duty to be at least a little insufferable.

“Is it that Rose girl? From what her mother has told me, she’s quite the smart cookie.”

“No, it’s not Rose,” he answered, sounding slightly irritated.

“Was it an alien girl?” You quickly followed up with. John didn’t answer, but the subtle change in his face told you that you were closer to the mark with that one, but wow was he adamant on not telling you! You couldn’t part his lips with the Jaws of Life at this point. 

Time for guardian rubric: invocation of guilt!

“Okay, John, I guess I shall respect your decision to withhold the bearer of my grandchild from me, even if we may not see each other for such a looong time in this void-like afterlife.” You put special emphasis on the last few words to adjure the most contrition possible.

“Your guilt games have no effect on me,” he said defiantly, crossing his arms in front of him in an act of teenage rebellion. Darn. Sometimes you wished it was like when he was three, where you just needed to pretend to be sad to invoke instant guilt and compunction. It was so easy to fill your prankster’s gambit back then…

”But I’m surprised you aren’t so determined to learn who it is,” he continued, “You’re not one to drop things, metaphorically or otherwise. You are the _master_ of egging information out of people. It is you. You put the egg in Egbert.”

“John, that was terrible and you know it.” 

He responded with a “bluh” and playfully stuck his tongue out at you. You chuckled as you let out a breath of smoke. Generally, he was right, but, once again, these were special circumstances. John can’t stay here and chat it up with you forever. He had responsibilities.

“I think I can just settle for a description, if you wouldn’t mind.” 

He stared down at his toes, again pondering whether or not he would oblige. “Okay, I think I can do that.”

 

**== > John: describe Karkat to father**

You think this is something you can handle, but it will require very specific word choice and possibly lying through omission… _a lot._ It was a bit surprising how nonchalant he was about the idea of you impregnating an alien girl. How suspicious… In any case, you really wish you could tell the whole truth about Karkat, but you don’t think either you or your dad are ready just yet.

The next allotment of immeasurable time was spent colorfully telling your patron how awesome Karkat is in all his short, angry glory. You described that he was a great leader and how he had to go through so many hardships to beat the game while organizing his friends. He was the best friend leader!

You also told your dad about how he’s always beating himself up over stuff. It’s quite silly at times, but you know that it’s because Karkat always seemed to feel like he’s failed. Sometimes you wonder how you would have felt if you were in his position. Probably the same, you’d always conclude.

Finally, you tell him a portion of the infinitely long list of reasons why you love him; His smile, how beautiful he looks even when he’s in his worst mood, how he actually likes your baking (your dad totally got thrown for a loop when you mentioned that. Ha! You bet he never expected you to bake cakes. Points for you!), and how Karkat, beneath all of the orneriness, colorful metaphors, and tendency to be overall difficult, is just a big softie who totally eats up any type of affection you give him (he’ll deny it a million times if you ever asked him, though).

You managed to get all that across without letting anything about Karkat’s gender spill with careful use of pronouns. Mission accomplished!

 

**== > Father: Be suspicious of John’s description**

This is quite an easy feat because John is a terrible liar. He was sincere for the most part, but when he first started, there was a certain emphasis whenever he said “she” that didn’t escape you. It disappeared when he got accustomed to it, though. What is with kids thinking they can pull one over their parents so easily? 

What also didn’t escape you was the feeling of great love accompanying John’s words. Whoever this particular individual was, this person was John’s soul mate as far as he was concerned. You were so happy for him, but, at the same time, slightly outraged because he would _not_ tell you who it is. 

However, it was not an issue, because you were putting together all of the pieces. In addition to guessing games, puzzles and mysteries were something you dabbled in every so often. If you hadn’t decided to decorate the house with harlequins, there would be a plethora of detective memorabilia. You were sure of this.

“Well, John, from what you’ve told me,” you began, not noticing the dream bubble beginning to dim, “I can tell that this person… John, what’s the matter?” Your thought was interrupted by the wide-eyed look of pure horror on John’s face. You followed his gaze in the direction of his bed and-

_Oh._

Now you see why he’s horrified. This was going to be _hilarious._

 

**== > John: Continue to be horrified**

This is so not cool. This is the _farthest_ you can possibly be from being cool. _Why_ would the dream bubble choose to go to this memory of all things!? In front of your _dad_ of all people!

Unfolding right before you was a pretty memorable scene, one of your favorites, in fact, which was also the one that resulted in the little “predicament” that you’re currently in. It is most definitely not one whose details you (nor Karkat) would like anyone to be privy of!

“Now _what_ is _this_?” your father inquired, even though he knew exactly what was transpiring on the other side of the bubble. He watched with amused curiosity as you, the past you, lowered Karkat gently onto the bed. Oh god, your dad should _not_ be seeing this. Luckily, the angle at which you are viewing this highly intimate scene made it so Karkat was blocked from view by your past self’s body, and the darkness made it too difficult to see anything that would give him away to your father. Also, much to your relief, you were both still fully clothed.

You swallowed nervously. Okay, there’s no need to freak out. Maybe the dream bubble will change before it gets too far? _Oh, please let it change, pleeeeease._

“It seems you had the situation under control,” he commented, removing the pipe from his mouth and giving you a wink. You felt your face redden and your prankster’s gambit begin to empty itself. You’ll be lucky to make it out of this dream bubble with anything left in the bar at all.

You jumped when dream Karkat gasped, and your dad leaned forward in his seat, as if trying to get a better look. _What the hell why was he so interested in this?_

You pressed the palm of your hand to his chest and pushed him back against the sofa.

“Dad, please! Let’s, uh, go somewhere else where private stuff is not taking place,” you offered, flustered, “your fragile parental sensibilities are at risk!”

“Nonsense! This may be my only chance to see just how pretty your young lover is. I’m obviously not going to learn anything else from _you_ ,” he responded, sounding playfully snide.

“B-but,” you stuttered, “this is incredibly inappropriate!” 

Clip!

Oh shit. You remember this part. That was the sound of Karkat’s pants button being undone, soon to be followed by the sound of a zipper being pulled down just before your past self’s hand dips down into- _No!_

“Oooookay, show’s over!” you blurted out, jumping to your feet and maneuvering your body to block your father’s view. “’Teenager’s eating each other’s face’ has now officially concluded! Please direct your attention to the exits to your right.”

“How rude!” He extended an arm and pushed you to the side with little effort. Being dead hadn’t diminished his obscene levels of mangrit a single bit. “I’m getting a rare front row seat to see the conception of my grandchild. What parent would pass this up?”

The old man sounded like he was having the time of his life. He was definitely siphoning your gambit at an unbelievable rate and enjoying every moment of it.

“A sane one! That’s totally creepy! I do not condone such voyeurism at all!”

“Fine, fine, just let me get a quick look at the face and-“ He got up and started towards the bed and, in your rising panic, you leapt straight at him. 

“Oof!”

You collided heavily with your father and you both tumbled to the ground, causing the man to lose both his hat and his pipe in the process.

You were going to demonstrate he’s not the only one with ludicrous amounts of mangrit in this god damn dream bubble. You quickly had him pinned under you in a headlock.

“Sorry, dad, but I can’t let you do that. I just can’t!” You tried to sound as apologetic as possible.

“Oh, so is this how it’s going to be?” your father grunted, amusement still evident in his voice. “I can’t say… I haven’t been looking forward to a _manly_ tussle when you got older!” 

“Huh?” You noticed a familiar glimmer in his eye, one that meant you might have just started something you’d soon regret.

Before you knew it, your father burst from under you and somehow got you under him, your arm pulled behind your back and your face pushed into the combination carpet and metal panel floor by his weight. “Ow, ow, ow, what the _hell_!?” The hold was painful, but not enough to wake you up from your slumber and kick you out of the bubble.

He let out a low chuckle. “Don’t ‘what the hell’ me, John. You opened the door. I simply walked in.” 

Now you were starting to get a little pissed off.

You managed to wrench yourself out of his grasp and attempted to subdue him, but he reversed it and you ended up on the wrong side of the hold again. To your continued frustration, this happened the next three times as well, the two of you rolling around the dream bubble like a deranged tumbleweed.

You discovered whatever maneuvers you found effective against your friends those few times you wrestled just did _not_ work against the wall of muscle that raised you. You found it feasible to take down the lithe Dave and smaller Karkat (except when he played dirty), but holy shit your dad was unbeatable! Who knew the unassuming businessman who spent too much time in the kitchen was so formidable!

“Okay, okay! I give!” you pleaded when he finally got you pressed against the wall, the rims of your glasses pressing into the side of your face uncomfortably. You heard him chortle triumphantly as he let you go.

“I must say, your levels of mangrit are impressive! There’s no doubt you’ve gotten much stronger since I’ve last seen you. I’m so proud,” he said in tone that was both heartwarming and, given the last few minutes, very irritating. 

You grumbled a few creative obscenities under your breath (Karkat must’ve rubbed off on you), but you soon discovered you were the real victor when the bubble wavered again and the two of you ended up on the balcony of your house (minus the alchemiter) with no horny teenagers in sight.

You threw your arms up in triumph.

“Well, doesn’t that just beat all,” your father lamented, smoothing down his dark hair with one hand before turning to you with his trademark prankster’s smile. “Bet you feel lucky, eh, son?”

_Yes,_ embarrassing disaster averted! You fell to the ground with a sigh of relief as your gambit stopped its spiraling descent and recovered a few ticks.

He walked over to retrieve both his hat and pipe, dusting them off and putting them in their proper places on his person with a calm casualness that should not belong to someone who had just wrestled their son into the wall. 

That was always the thing that you utterly _despised_ about your father. One minute he’s the epitome of paternal responsibility, a shining example of what a single parent should strive for, and the father every kid on the street was jealous you had. The next, he becomes this _unbearable weirdo_ who drowns you in confectionary ~~delights~~ horrors and will do anything for that tick or two in his prankster’s gambit. 

Now you remembered why you always tried to avoid him when you could, because you could never tell when he’d switch on you. You love him to death but seriously, you couldn’t trust the guy!

 

**== > Dad: Curse your missed opportunity**

Now, now, there’s no need for that. You’ve seen all you’ve needed to see (and maybe a little more, but that’s not the point.)

“Heh, as I was going to say before,” you waved the hand holding your pipe in a circular motion and stifled a laugh, “all of that. It’s quite plain to see that your ‘partner in crime’ puts quite a lot of trust in you, even if isn’t outright said.”

“I guess.”

You walked over to the balcony’s edge and leaned over the railing, signalin your son to come join you with a quick tilt of your head. He stood and walked to your side, likewise leaning over the rail and looking exasperated, as per usual when he had to deal with your occasional antics.

Messing with him was so much fun after being apart for so long, but you now it was time to be serious again.

You brought your hand to rest on the nape of his neck in an act of fatherly assurance, inwardly enjoying the fact that you had to bring it up a little higher than the last time you did this. It’s a move you’ve learned from your own father, a calming guardian rubric that assures your charge of your presence and undeniable love and support.

Its effectiveness was reinforced when you felt his tension disappear after a gentle squeeze where his neck sloped down into his shoulders. 

“I think it’s time to wrap up this little reunion so you can get back to the meteor.” John gave a slight nod in agreement. “So here is some closing advice.”

“I’m listening,” he responded with a relaxed smile.

“You’re going to have to do a lot of growing up now that you have one on the way. Luckily, you have a bit of time to prepare, unlike me. You kind of just…”

“Fell out of the sky?”

“Well, yes. I had to wing it from the start. So while you’re waiting for the big day, I suggest you work on your guardian rubrics.”

“I have those?”

“You do now.” John stilled for a moment with a thoughtful look. You waited patiently, taking a puff from your pipe, until his forehead wrinkled slightly in realization.

“Oh, I do! But the list is empty.”

“Don’t worry, son, as you complete achievements and rise through your shiny new Parentaladder, you’ll unlock rubrics.”

“Okay, I think I understand now.”

“Good.” Now it was time to casually drop the little bomb shell you’ve been putting together. “Just make sure you take good care of _Karkat_ and your future charge.”

“Oka- wait what!?” he gasped loudly. “How do you know?!”

“That’s quite easy to answer,” you replied as you started to refill your pipe again. There was nothing you could do to hide the wide grin plastered on your mug. One could even describe it as “shit-eating.”

“It’s because I already met him.”

Ah yes, the feeling of a full gambit is a good one.

 

**== > John: Demand how your father knew!**

Apologies are in order because there was a small issue being John, as he was too preoccupied being shocked and lamenting his completely empty prankster’s gambit. The sad jester’s face of his drained abstraction was pulsing and short circuiting wildly as the entire bar shook and fidgeted all over the place. That’s two years of occasional pranks on his friends down the crapper. It took all John had to keep from weeping at the sad state of his gambit… his precious, empty as hell, prankster’s gambit.

 

**== > Go Back to being Dad**

There was an awkward (for John) amount of silence as he stared at you incredulously. He then threw his head back in frustration and groaned.

“So I put all that effort into keeping it a secret for nothing?”

“Pretty much,” you chuckled. “But to be fair, I didn’t know initially.”

“Then how did you figure it out?”

“Besides the fact you are terrible at hiding things from me?”

“Yes, _besides_ that,” John grumbled. 

“Well, your description of him coincided perfectly with what I gathered from him when we had our brief little encounter.”

John grinned. “He said something colorfully confusing and probably a little perverse in some alien way, didn’t he?” 

“Indeed. He also spoke very highly of you, and I figured the two of you were involved one way or another. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure until the little scene earlier.”

“Darn, you actually got a look at him, then,” his eyes shifting downwards in embarrassment.

“Just a small one,” you admitted, bringing the tips of your index finger and thumb together to accentuate. “He was also probably quite a while ahead of you chronologically, because he looked a bit heavy in the belly. That fact pretty much tied everything together when I considered your current position.”

“I see… so he hasn’t actually met you yet from the timeframe where I’m from. The furthest ring makes time even more complicated than it already is!” 

You nodded. “I must say, you picked out quite the cute little alien boy.” You punctuated the statement with wink and his face went red.

“Daaaaad, stop being weird! God!” John moaned, shoving you. “But I’m going to be honest. You’re taking this a lot better than I thought you would. Don’t you find the situation a bit… unbelievable? The dream bubble didn’t implode or anything.”

You blinked at him curiously. “Why would the dream bubble implode?”

“Er, ignore that last part.” You gave him a suspicious glance and decided to answer is inquiry.

“To address your previous question, John, I was killed while having a lovely dinner date on top of a giant castle on a planet resembling a chessboard at the hand of a winged psychopath with a dog head, and a hole in his chest which I am assuming works as a sheath for his sword. I think I can stand to suspend my disbelief just a little bit and accept that you could knock up an alien boy.”

“Uh… okay. Fair enough.”

“And this is _without_ considering all the other crazy shit that’s happened in the course of that day,” you added, waving your arm for emphasis.

John covered his mouth to try to stop a giggle. “Never heard you use that word before.”

You ruffled his hair before pulling him into a tight one-armed hug. “God, I’m so proud of you, John. My love for you extends further than this tentacle behemoth filled void.”

“Wow, can you say corny?” he replied, wrapping his arms around you before adding, “and I do, too.” The moments spent in the embraced were savored, but all good things must come to an end.

“Alright, time to for you to be getting back, son,” you said when you pushed him away gently.

“Right, but I’m unsure how I’m going to wake up! I didn’t actually fall asleep of my own volition.” You brought a hand to your chin as you contemplated a solution to this new problem. The first answer that came to mind deserved another of your prankster’s smiles. 

You concentrated a bit and a nice coconut cream pie, another of your favorite artifacts of confection, materialized in your hand behind your back. John hadn’t noticed as he gazed over the balcony. He was unsuspecting and vulnerable. Perfect.

“Son, I have a solution.”

“What’s that?” he asked, turning to you.

_Splat!_

You tossed the pie at his face with such force that he lost both of his shoes and flew over the balcony, blue hood trailing majestically behind him as he disappeared into nothingness midflight. That probably hurt quite a bit, but no real harm was done (except to John’s already hurting gambit.)

The dream bubble wavered and everything went black, resetting itself to prepare to take the form of another memory. You took one last drag of your pipe as you stared into the void and exhaled through your nose. You felt a laugh coming up. 

Your son was such a riot, and you wished him the best luck paradox space is willing to give.

 

**== > John: Return to the Meteor**

Your consciousness began to float back to the meteor and you could hear the voices of two females hovering above you. 

“Rose, are you sure he’s going to be okay? I don’t believe passing out is a normal reaction to being kicked in the bone bulge.”

“Kanaya, please don’t worry. He may have a limp for a while, but I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

“I fear the possibility of internal damage. His pelvic shielding plates could be fractured.”

“I have no idea what those are, but I’m one hundred percent sure humans lack such a structure.”

“Wow, what?” Kanaya sounded shocked. “Rose, how did your species survive if their genitalia had no structural protection?”

“It’s a mystery for the ages.” You thought you could hear the slightest hint of amusement in her voice. 

“Absolutely maddening.”

Rose noticed you stir. “Oh, look, he’s waking up.”

You tried to sit up, but Jesus, were you sore. The throbbing pain between your legs made moving a bit of a production, but you tried to rise to a sitting position.

“How long was I out for?” you asked wearily, your voice sounding low and throaty. You heard a heavy “whump” sound before something suddenly flew through the air and landed right on your crotch, and it was _fucking cold._ “Ohmigod what is this!?” you hissed. God damn, that hurt!

The three of you looked across the computer lab and you saw the mayor face-planted on the floor, having tripped over a stray book.

“Uh, thank you Mr. Mayor,” Rose began, raising a hand to her mouth to hide her smile. “Your arrival was timely, but I believe the delivery of the ice pack could have done with a bit more finesse.”

“Just a little bit,” you added in a strangled voice.

The Mayor did a quick bow to the ladies and an acknowledging nod to you before quickly disappearing through the transportalizer. He’s such a cool little guy. Awkward, but definitely cool!

Rose cleared her throat. “To answer your question, you’ve been out for about ten minutes, maybe?” 

“Huh, seemed longer,” you mumbled, slowly repositioning yourself and swinging your legs off the couch. Gingerly pressing the ice pack against your groin, you tried to gather what happened the last few minutes, both in the dream bubble with your father and here on the meteor. Speaking of your dad…

_That jerk! How dare he just pie you like that!_

He is the king of pranksterism and you will have to pay the old man back the next time you see him to dethrone his fatherly behind, but first more important stuff! You had to find Karkat. You had to find him so that you can tell him that you will be there every step of the way, and that you will love him and your baby, and that you will not end up being one of those deadbeat dads who just don’t care and leave their families! Of course, it’s not like you _can_ leave, and Karkat would probably have no idea what you were talking about concerning deadbeat dads (maybe they had deadbeat lusii on Alternia), but hold on, that’s not the point!

“Care to share what transpired to cause our troll friendleader’s unwarranted assault to your loins?” Rose inquired, snapping you out of your thoughts. 

“We kind of… got into a huge mess?” The words to explain the situation sort of escaped you at the moment. 

“Oh? What would this huge mess entail?”

You exchanged glances with Kanaya, and both of your gazes shot down to the “Troll Reproduction for Assholes” book on the floor at the foot of the couch. Rose, not missing a beat, picked up the large tome and gave it a once over. Her eyebrows climbed her forehead and her lavender eyes filled with intrigue. You knew where this was going.

Kanaya primly took a seat next to you, basking you in her glow. “John, I think now would be a good time to discuss a few things.”

“Do you think it can wait? I need to find Karkat.”

“It would best to let him cool off a bit. He may still be a bit overemotional. Right now, we have to devise our approach to his condition. His health has to be our primary concern.”

“Okay, that makes sense.” You really wanted to go find him, but Kanaya had a point. 

“Rose, if you wouldn’t mind, could you hand me the… book?“ the jade-blood looked up and noticed that the fair-haired seer was nowhere to be found. “Hm, I guess we will have to wait to consult the text.”

“Looks that way!” You chuckled. Rose’s obsession with books never ceased to give you a laugh. She always ran off when she found one that piqued her interest. Chances are you will never see that book again until she finishes it from cover to cover. Luckily, she’s a fast reader. Books to her are like acorns to squirrels. Rose is a book squirrel. 

“Do you remember anything on hand?” you asked her.

“Let’s see, oh yes. The two things that need to be addressed immediately are Karkat’s diet and his sleeping habits. Or lack thereof, rather.”

“Sleep is not a thing Karkat does on a regular basis,” you stated, even though everyone knew this for a fact.

“Indeed, but you’ve had relative success getting him to take the occasional nap, but I don’t feel it will be an issue.”

“What do you mean?”

“If I recall correctly, his body will most likely take measures to correct the things he needs in order for his pregnancy to succeed. This is good because he’ll be more inclined to eat and sleep,” Kanaya explained, her tone growing a little serious as she went on, “however, his body will prioritize the next generation over itself.”

What?

“So you mean-“

“He could die, yes.” She completed your thought and your jaw dropped slightly. Kanaya quickly quelled your rising fear somewhat by following up with, “but _only_ if he doesn’t take proper care of himself. I’m sure if all precautions and health criteria are met, both he and his eggs will be absolutely fine.”

“Eggs?” you repeated, sounding puzzled.

“Despite the fact that you are human and all of the strangeness that comes with it, I think it would, for all intents and purposes, be best to assume Karkat would be having a normal clutch of troll eggs.”

Oh jeez, you forgot about trolls being hatched from eggs and starting out as weird caterpillar things. 

“Wow, this is a little bit overwhelming! I was kind of freaked out about having one, but there’s several?”

“I think it might be safe to say he will have around three, but Karkat’s blood color isn’t on the hemospectrum so it’s hard to say. We have no point of reference for his unique genetic anomaly.”

Wow, _three_. 

“Uuuuhh.” You started to grow a little fidgety, and maybe a bit dizzy, but you fought back all of those nervous feelings and the urge to pass out. You have to take responsibility! You have to _be_ the father. And, oh gosh, you need to think of more names! Naming all three of them Casey was just out of the question and, quite frankly, very silly! 

As you pondered over this, your glasses binged and a line of red appeared before your eyes.

“Oh, it’s Dave!” you said. He’s never going to let you or Karkat live this new turn of events down.

turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: hey there hot stuff

As per usual, he started off your private conversations by ironically hitting on you. Your best bro is so hilarious sometimes and he always knows how to cheer you up (whenever he’s not being a major horse’s ass). Two years practically living with each other, and you understood irony as much as you did when you first entered the medium, which is to say you hardly understood it at all. 

So you basically just disregard it.


	7. Chapter 7

**== >**

turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB].

TG: hey there hot stuff  
EB: sup!   
TG: sounded like there was trouble in paradise  
TG: and your junk got caught in the crossfire  
EB: oof yes. pain, agony, and deprivation of oxygen.   
EB: i was all like “WHAT IS AIR????” and passed out for ten minutes.   
EB: which is absolutely shameful, all things considered.   
EB: now i'm sitting on the couch with ice on my crotch.   
TG: ahaha god damn that must have been some kick  
TG: made a fucking field goal  
EB: but how did you know?   
TG: the mayor  
EB: ah  
EB: he’s quite the chatty fellow now that he owns his own electronic device.   
TG: he was kind of short on details as usual  
TG: terezi said kicking junk is a strong gesture of platonic hate to trolls  
TG: what did you do  
TG: i mean holy shit you had him purring like a kitten just before now hes kicking your balls over the horizon  
EB: uh  
EB: honestly i don’t think he aimed there on purpose, he was just…  
EB: really freaked out.   
EB: i’m kind of freaked out too, even after talking to my dad and stuff.   
TG: you saw your dad  
EB: yeah! it was nice.   
EB: then he threw a pie at me…  
TG: haha your dad is weird  
EB: try insufferable!   
TG: but in that endearing way that makes everything all after school special  
TG: bro was kind of weird when I saw him that one time too  
TG: lots of hugging and apologizing and loveable bro times  
TG: kind of caught me offguard cuz we never did that shit before  
EB: awwww, sounds like there were plenty of bro tears!   
TG: shit yeah  
TG: we cried the manliest of bro tears the bubble didnt know what the fuck was going on  
TG: niagra falls had nothing on our delirious flow of bro tears  
TG: and we totally digressed our dingy right off that sick waterfall of bro love lets man this nautical piece of shit back to shore  
EB: hehe, dingy.   
TG: so why the meeting of troll foot to weird human bulge  
EB: what is with you guys calling it weird?   
EB: and why are YOU of all people saying that??   
EB: you keep picking up more and more of terezi’s crazy mannerisms.   
EB: jegus…  
TG: watch out ill be cackling like a maniac and licking everything in no time  
EB: thanks for the warning, bro!   
EB: anyway, we’re like waist deep in the most cliché of fuck ups performed by bored teenagers confined to a small space.   
EB: this stuff doesn’t even happen to trolls so karkat obviously flipped  
EB: at least to these particular trolls.   
EB: or something…  
EB: (ugh paradox space, so confusing!)   
TG: so how big was this fuck up i need a sense of scale here  
EB: green sun big!   
TG: oh shit  
TG: thats not a comparison to toss around lightly now i have to know what you did  
TG: did you break something while giving it to him up the butt  
EB: what, no! butts were not involved in THAT way whatsoever!   
EB: the nook is where it’s at!   
TG: i thought that was a troll word for asshole or something  
EB: you disappoint me, strider, even rose knows that the nook is a weird troll vagina.   
EB: see, i can call alien genitalia weird too!   
EB: WEEEEEEEEIRD!  
TG: what  
TG: karkat has one of those  
EB: of course, all trolls have bulges and all trolls have nooks.   
EB: dave, you have failed troll junk 101, now you have to repeat the class.   
EB: but seriously how do you not know this when you spend most of your time hanging with terezi?   
TG: weird shit like that doesnt even come up i mean its not like i just go  
TG: hey rezi is it true you have an alien dong   
TG: why dont you whip that baby out so we can compare notes  
TG: but oh god seriously  
TG: if i even knew that could possibly be a thing i wouldve jumped on that xenobiology boat in a heartbeat  
TG: that warrants so much scientific exploration you dont even know  
EB: well, too bad the ship has already sailed without you.   
EB: rose and i are waving to you as you stand there by yourself on the harbor, ignorant of all things bulge and nook, and we’re not turning this thing around.   
EB: hermaphroditism is a thing with trolls. all trolls are hermaphrodites.   
TG: you WOULD be the resident expert  
TG: taking the hands on approach and sticking your throbbing research tool straight into the subject material in the name of motherfucking science  
TG: you god damn xenophiliac  
EB: i have made great strides in the field and i will become famous.   
TG: what the fuck is the point of troll genders then  
EB: i'll have to get back to you on that.   
TG: k consider me learned on whats going on down between troll thighs  
EB: haha , you wish!!   
TG: egbert stfu lets get back to the original fucking topic  
EB: you act like it’s all my fault we keep getting derailed!  
TG: whatever  
TG: just spill what you did to warrant the green sun comparison on the OH SHIT scale  
EB: hmmmm  
TG: dont make me go get terezi to prosecute it out of you  
TG: id hate to do that to my best bro but i swear i will   
EB: ok ok fine!  
EB: everybody will eventually need to know anyway…  
TG: well  
EB: i got karkat pregnant  
EB: dave?   
EB: dude, you there?   
EB: helloooooo?   
EB: meteor to dave strider  
EB: your silence is a little foreboding…  
TG: god  
TG: fucking  
TG: dammit  
TG: it blew the fuck up it simply cannot take this much horseshit

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB].

EB: uh, what?

 

**== > Be Dave Strider**

You are now Dave Strider again in your respiteblock (you meant room), and you are tending to the aftermath of the explosion of one of your gaming abstractions. 

John’s recent revelation has caused your _Insufferable Pricks and Their Snarky Horshitometer_ to blow the fuck up. 

This particular abstraction was an adaption from one used by Kanaya when she trolled your ectosister nearly a sweep (you mean two years) ago that you adopted in your conquest to annoy the living shit out of one Karkat Vantas. You would’ve renamed it the _Insufferable Pricks and Their Ironic Bullshitteryometer_ (or something), but it would only let you modify the first part for some reason…

Why would you want to do this? For one thing, it was fun watching the little guy rant and rage. Every tirade and angry retort added ticks in your favor, and, before recently, it was just so _easy_. Sadly, the meter would always revert back to its neutral position, or sometimes move in his favor, due to him being on the receiving end of a particular heir’s attention. 

This brought you to the second reason you adopted this piece of shit abstraction: It was an excellent way to gauge your battle for the affections of the one and only John Egbert about a year ago. Simply put, you were in the throes of fiery homolust for your best bro. You have no clue when this happened, and it wasn’t brought to your attention until Rose gave you a completely unsolicited analysis of feelings you did not even know you were experiencing. It was something involving green monsters you think... You didn’t pay all that much attention.

Long story short, you lost. You were the loser, even though your opposition had literally _no idea_ you were competing for the lord of derp. It was due to your lack of inclination towards sharing your _feelings_ and the habit of layering irony and flippancy on top of almost everything you say and do. John doesn’t take hints well, thinks everything you do is ironic from the start, and things fly over his head more often than not. That’s Rose’s explanation for it, anyway.

Personally, you think you were hornswoggled. Bamboozled even. You would’ve totally swept John off his windy feet if he hadn’t said on at least two occasions that he _wasn’t a homosexual_. You were doubtful of the claim in the first place, but as his best bro, you were content to let things stay as they were.

_And then he hooks up with Karkat._

As meteor-shattering as that was, you took it in stride, as usual, keeping everything bottled up and invisible to everyone (except to the obvious two... Goddamn seers). You would’ve ditched the Horshitometer, but it was still too much fun getting Karkat’s human earth goat. And, as fucked up as it sounded, there was always the chance John and Karkat wouldn’t work out and you could make your move. There was always that little sliver of hope…

_And then Karkat gets pregnant._

You cannot _believe_ this horsehit! 

You didn’t realize how upset you were until you felt your nails start to painfully dig into your palms from clenching too hard. Goddamn it.

Okay, okay, calm down, deep breaths. You still have to do some damage control with the Horshitometer explosion. Get the workers out of the fire, count the casualties, and inform the families. Hope they don’t sue your ass off for the work related cataclysm. It’s alright everyone, calm your tits. The fucking investigation is underway. The raging masses want someone to burn, you just have to figure out whose ass to throw into the fire. Who’s life are you going to ruin for the integrity of the company?

Hold up.

This was John Egbert that’s being talked about. Could this be one of his inane pranks to boost his favored piece-of-shit gaming abstraction? You look down back at your computer screen to read the messages that have popped up after you ended your last conversation. 

EB: uh, what?   
EB: okay since you’re obviously dealing with something, i'll leave you to that.    
EB: kanaya is getting fussy because i've been kind of ignoring her, hehe.    
EB: oh! i almost forgot.    
EB: good one with the bucket earlier.    
EB: expect my counter prank in the near future! :D

ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG].

Huh. You were hoping you would’ve gotten both him and his perpetually scowling boyfriend with that one, but Karkat had decided to take a fortuitous trip to the load gaper (god dammit, _toilet_ ) during your window of execution. 

What stood out from those lines was that he said “expect his counter prank, which implied that the pregnancy revelation was _not_ his intended return. Ohmygod can such a thing like this even happen? You couldn’t possibly know, but in recent light of the fact that Karkat has a weird troll vagina, anything can be fair game at this point!

You simply cannot compete with that asshole! Stupid trolls and their stupid vaginas! You hadn’t realized how _clearly_ outmatched you were from the get go. 

Oh great, now you elbow deep in another of your human moods. Time to go sulk around the meteor for a bit.

 

**== > WV: Enjoy talk with your head ~~lawyer~~ legislacerator**

You are now the Wizened Visionary, a name given to you by one of your new friends, the human Dave Strider. You find it a fitting title, one that befits your recent accomplishments as Mayor of the third incarnation of Can Town. 

This evening (you are pretending that it is evening), you are enjoying a lovely snack in the company of your head legislacerator, Terezi Pyrope. She knows the law inside and out, and is ruthless in the courts. One can go so far as to say she _is_ the law. Even the most heinous and cruel of criminals wet their britches when on the receiving end of her prosecuting techniques. You dare say you even wet yourself when beholding such lawful efficiency, and you’re not even the one being prosecuted!

“I’m telling you,” she began, clouds of red dust puffing out of her mouth with every word, “that red is the superior flavor!”

Obviously, you disagreed. Green is simply the best there is. 

The two of you would often get into these little spats over the most delectable of flavors. Honestly, you think whatever she tastes is completely different than what you taste. Where she finds a delicious raspberry rumble you find as simply fuchsia. 

She is a strange one, indeed.

Serenity always blinked disapprovingly at the consumption of either of the delicacies, but both of you ignore her. It’s only chalk.

You finished off the piece of green and reached for your electronic device, but Dave rounded the corner of the long hallway before you could type out your retort in your dapper black text. He wore his usual unreadable expression. You waved in greeting, but he paid no attention and headed past the two of you to the pile of draconic stuffed animals. He stopped in front of it and just fell face first into the pile, making it squeak loudly. He just stayed there, unmoving and half buried in a multitude of plush lizard–like rumps.

You passed an unnoticed glance to Terezi and she quirked an eyebrow above her red glasses. She was much more in tune with Dave, so you leave all matters concerning him to her. Delegation is an important skill to have in an office holder’s repertoire.

The troll stood up with a chalky sigh and made her way over to the human. She turned back to face you and took a seat right on top of his posterior, eliciting another squeak from the pile.

“You’re making it smell like melancholy and hopelessness in here, coolkid,” she began teasingly, crossing one leg over the other. “It makes the chalk less savory and taints the taste buds. What’s the problem?”

Dave mumbled something into the pile of plushies you couldn’t quite hear, but you guessed it was along the lines of “not now, I’m moping… unironically.”

“Oh really? Is it your usual culprit?” You know exactly what she was referring to. You feel a bit bad about the relative failure of Dave’s romantic endeavors, but such is life and young love.

More muffled words. You couldn’t make any of them out, so you scooted closer.

“Dave, you’re going to have to get over it,” Terezi offered. “You unironically moping around is going to ruin everybody’s mood!”

Matter of fact mumbling. 

“Yeah yeah, only Rose and I notice, but that’s not the point!” It’s really quite impressive how Terezi can effortlessly interpret his speech with all of that dragon rump surrounding his face.

Dave let out a long winded sigh of defeat while Terezi started soothingly rubbing his back with one hand. After a few moments Dave mumbled out something that sounded like a question.

“Excuse me?” Terezi asked. Dave lifted his face from the pile and turned to his side so he could see the two of you in his periphery.

“Do you have dong?” he asked clearly. You have no clue what a “dong” is.

Terezi’s eyebrows shot up and she made the face that was the physical equivalent of her typing “>:?” on the computer. The look of shock faded as she started smiling that wide, sharp smile that always made you just a little bit nervous.

“Why, Dave! One simply does not just ask a lady about their most private of parts!”

Oh. 

Okay, you have absolutely no idea how the conversation devolved into this due to being privy to only one side of it. As Mayor, you decreed that it would be more practical to see this from a different perspective, one that was already well versed in Dave’s wavering “human moods.”

 

**== > WV: Be Terezi **

The baton has been passed to you, Terezi Pyrope, and you were already in the midst of employing your own brand of pale pity to Mr. Mopey Mope, aka Dave Strider. While usually unresponsive to such maneuvers, you knew they had some effect: You could see in him with your mind’s eye the storm of angst and emotion smooth itself out.

Your abilities were useful for such things, but unfortunately, the limitations still sucked. You seemed to only be able to see the long term results of choices pertaining to your quest or to your friend’s physical well being. When trying to gain information for more trivial things, (such as “what would happen if you tripped the Mayor on his way to the toilet”), you are met with only what immediately happens afterwards, or just plain dark spots.

Sadly, this also extended to choices and paths involving romantic endeavors. Your abilities must see them as frivolous and a waste of time, but just as well. Things would’ve have been so much easier, but it’s probably more rewarding this way. If you saw how these events on the meteor played out ahead of time, however, let’s just say you would’ve made a few different choices concerning your pursuits. 

Oh well. Anyway, back to Dave.

“Why the sudden interest in my girly bits?” you asked him, still grinning but genuinely curious.

“Shit, you could’ve told me you were packing a complete set down there. Would’ve helped me sum up the competition better.”

You pressed your lips together in confusion. “What’s what I have in my pants have to do with- oh wait.” It dawned on you that he was indirectly asking why you haven’t revealed that your species wasn’t sexually dimorphic in terms of genitalia. Honestly, it didn’t seem like a big deal, even after learning humans had only one set.

Plus he never asked!

“Does John have a thing for the nook?” you asked, your sharp grin returning. Dave shrugged and turned his head so that his faced was reburied in plushies.

It was truly sad seeing (smelling) him like this. The negative swirl enveloping his mind was kicking up again. He’s only gotten this down one other time, and that was when John and Karkat had officially become involved with one another.

You often wondered why humans did not have a quadrant system. They had so much potential filling them with all the drama and hubbub that goes on! You ran the idea by Dave a couple times that he could take John as a kismesis, but he dismissed the idea as bullshit troll nonsense. How insensitive! But you could understand to a degree. John was a little hard to hate (hell, the fact Karkat was turned completely around by him was saying something!) and getting him to hate you back might be slightly improbable...

Though, you could still see a bit of potential for that particular ship. It just might take a little work.

You got up from your seat on his rump and fell forward into the pile, your body adjacent and parallel to his and your head turned so you could look at him (or at least appear to be.)

“Hey,” you said softly. He didn’t answer. You poked him in the cheek. “Heeeeeey” Still no answer. So insufferable! You leaned in closer and stuck out your tongue, but before you could give him a big wet swipe with your luscious oral appendage, his hand shot up impossibly fast and intercepted your tongue-to-face excursion.

“Terezi, don’t,” he commanded irritably. “If it’ll prevent getting teal tongue juice all over my handsome face, I’ll talk.”

You cackled into his palm. “Excellent. First order of business: remove your hand from my face, or I will bite it.” He obediently removed the offending body part from in front of you, knowing full well that you will, in fact, bite it. “Now, please tell us all about what’s got you depressed!” You were doing this. You were making this feelings jam happen! All of your pale tools are laid out and ready for immediate use in cheering up sad, ironic coolkids!

Dave took a deep breath. “Karkat suddenly took up baking. He and John decided to put one in his oven against both of their better judgments of our current living arrangements and whatever the fuck we need to do to beat this game.”

“And him investing his time in the culinary arts upsets you?” 

“What, fuck, no. I’m saying the little pitter patter of little feet will fill these dank metallic hallways and innocent laughter will echo through this god damn space rock alternatingly with ear shattering wails of the newly birthed. An unholy abomination formed of loin juices from the midget loud mouth and the king of dorkitude who suffers from selective obliviousness will attempt to assassinate us all with most likely impossible levels of cute.”

What the fuck is he talking about? Is he just being weird?

“Dave, you’re going have to take this seriously! We are basically moirails now and moirallegiance is serious business! I will not tolerate such foolishness in my pile,” you stated clearly, growing a little tired of his antics. You could sense him growing just as frustrated as you are.

“Jesus dick, Terezi. Karkat’s fucking pregnant.” Your mouth contorted to form the shape closest to a question mark. “Through fucking around, they have discovered interspecies procreation.”

“Dave, you know that’s not a thing with trolls.”

“How can you be so sure? Up til five minutes ago, I didn’t know Karkat was equipped with a kooch.”

“That’s hardly the same thing and borders on being a non sequitur!” you countered. You sort of assumed “kooch” was another word for the weird human nook. Jegus, humans had so many names for the parts in their pants!

“Maybe from _your_ point of view,” he added matter-of-factly.

Strangely enough, you could smell sweet, silky sincerity wafting from his words (a rarity when dealing with Dave.) He wasn’t lying, because you would know in a heartbeat from the rank odor of any deception amongst his verses. It clearly wasn’t present.

The notion was preposterous, but there was a strange inkling in the back of your pan that made you think this required further investigation. Your abilities and experiences thus far in the game have told you never to ignore these inklings.

“You honestly think that’s something that could happen?” you asked him as much as you asked yourself. He shrugged. You placed a hand in between his shoulder blades and rubbed as you pondered the idea for a few moments. 

Karkat’s taste and smell had changed, and the shift occurred shortly after his and John’s little “cultural exchange” (H3H3H3). Maybe…

Wait a minute!

With this new realization, you flipped over and hopped to your feet. Your sudden movement seemed to prompt Dave to a sitting position.

“Where are you doing?”

“Going to check something,” you responded flatly, brandishing your cane.

“I thought we were doing this jam thing.”

“We are! We are just taking a short recess. I have to ‘retrieve’ someone.” You started down the hallway towards the transportalizer to the computer room and you could smell Dave’s irritation over your shoulder.

“You’re an unbelievably shitty moirail!” he yelled as you approached the corner. Before you cleared it, you spun on your heels and touched the index fingers and thumbs of both your hands together, sending him the symbolic shape of the quadrant you share while smiling widely, leaving the Mayor and Serenity to deal with his moodiness for the time being.

 

**== > Terezi: Bring a knowledgeable individual into custody**

About halfway down the corridor leading to your transportalizer, you broke into a brisker pace when you set your sight (smell) on whom you were going to apprehend. Your powerful nose quickly picked up the trail leading to your target and you followed it with legislacerator celerity.

You hopped onto your platform and you were whisked to the main transportalizer hub of the meteor before taking another quick hop to the center platform to whisk yourself where your schnozz told you to go.

When you could smell that you were in the computer lab, you could hear Kanaya explaining something to John. The two acknowledged your presence with a glance and returned their focus to each other.

“Another main concern is that we have to keep him emotionally stable. A lot of things tie with his emotions and if they get out of-“ Her train of thought was interrupted when you rushed over to the sofa, unceremoniously grabbed her arm, and pulled her away towards the transportalizer.

“Uh, Terezi, is there something you require?” she asked while keeping pace with you to avoid unnecessary pull.

“Yes!” was your short reply.

The two of you whisked back into the main room, leaving a surely confused John by his lonesome (you swore you heard him exclaim “wow, rude!” on your way out), and you ushered her through your transportalizer. You caught a whiff of Dave and the Mayor as you traversed that short distance. The duo was obviously trying to see where you were going, and now they had to turn around and head back.

Served them right for not waiting for you!

A few moments later you were at the section of the corridor where a huge chalk drawing of his honorable tyranny was drawn in bright red on the wall. You set Kanaya down on a box to his left. The Jade blood looked up at the crudely drawn magistrate then back to you. Dave and the Mayor caught up to you soon enough.

“Glad you could join us gentlemen,” you said without looking at them.

“If you needed something, you could’ve just asked for it without pulling me halfway across the meteor,” Kanaya stated dryly. You ignored her logic and started pacing the space in front of his tyranny.

“I have come to the realization that Karkat now gives off a smell and taste that is reminiscent of the brooding caverns. Ms. Maryam,” you turned on your heel and faced Kanaya with your arms folded behind your back, “you are the resident expert on the reproductive processes of our species, correct?”

“I am the most knowledgeable troll on this particular subject, yes, but considering there are only four us, that’s not saying much.”

“Please keep your answers brief Ms. Maryam!”

“Fine.”

“Yo, what’s the point of this?” Dave interjected.

“Shut the fuck up, I’m legislacerating!” you commanded, twirling around and drubbing him in the chest with your cane. Ignoring his grumble of protest, you focused your attention back on Kanaya.

“So you can tell me about this alien reproduction that involves impregnation.”

“Yes.”

“Is it a thing with trolls?” 

“Yes, but it wasn’t until recently that-” 

“Ah ha!” you exclaimed, not letting her finish. You were triumphant in prying necessary information out of the (not so) tight-lipped witness and were no longer in need of her. “Okay, thanks Kanaya, you may go.”

“Is that all? I really don’t see the point of dragging me all the way here. Now I have to waste valuable time and energy walking back.”

You scoffed at her lament and tilted your head back to insinuate the rolling of your eyes. “Oh please! It’s not like you had much on your plate in the first place.”

“That may have been the case, but my nutrition plateau can now be considered quite full due to recent revelations,” she retorted, standing up and brushing off her skirt. You shoo’d her away, waiting until she was down the hall and being sure her fresh glowy scent had faded before turning to Dave, the Mayor, and Serenity (who was perched on his head). The three stood with their characteristic faces (unexpressive, confused, and too-god-damn-small-for-you-to-tell, respectively) as they waited for you to say something.

“This,” you began, your toothy smile creeping up towards your ears, “is a very exciting discovery!” 

“Terezi, why do I feel I should be nervous?” Dave asked, deadpan.

“Because you probably should be!” You could barely contain your excitement. Things have gotten rather bland on this hurdling hunk of rock and you could use a “distraction” besides consoling moody coolkids and consuming obscene amounts of chalk with government officials (it goes straight to your thighs, anyway.) 

“Now I must find Karkles!” you exclaimed, full of purpose.

“Why?”

“I want to ‘see’ what he’s been baking in that oven of his!”

“So you actually understand that metaphor, cool. Now how do you plan on doing that?”

You sniggered and gave him a wink from behind your glasses. “The same way I perceive everything else, dear Dave.”

 

**== > Gamzee: Get your motherfuckin’ moirallegiance on**

You were really trying to be a good moirail, you really were, but…

THIS MOTHERFUCKER, whoever, or _whatever_ , it is, is still trying its damned hardest to worm its way back into Karkat’s pan. You weren’t going to sit and let that happen. You held him close with your arms around his middle and rested your chin in between his horns, wary of actually touching them.

Karkat was leaning back, resting against you as you hummed soothing vibrations through the uninflated rumble spheres in your chest. The smaller troll was going on about something you probably should be listening to, but your focus was elsewhere.

You were busy concentrating, putting up a mental blockade to keep that douche bag from getting back to Karkat. It’s persistent, but you’re there to intercept every attempt as the subjugglator assigned to keep psychic assholes from intruding on your motherfuckin’ best friend’s mind. 

Every time he came a knockin’ you shooed it away with visions of mirthful jesters and jubilant punchinellos. Sorry, motherfucker. A brother needs a VIP ticket to get all up in this circus, AND WE’RE MOTHERFUCKIN’ SOLD OUT. HERE, HAVE A CLOWN.

Honk.

A part of you grew excited. You wanted to meet this motherfucker, teach him what happens when you mess with _your_ best friend. You wondered what color his blood was when it runs from freshly inflicted wounds. It might be a wonderful additional to your collection, maybe adding another miraculous color to your rainbow. GOING TO PAINT SOME WICKED MURALS WITH THAT MOTHER-

“Hey.” Karkat’s hand reached up to pat you on the cheek, bringing your train of thought to a complete stop. You looked down and met his gaze as he tilted his head back to look up at you. “You’re not listening, and you have that look again.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t play dumb. You have that face like you want to slit something open and drain its organ fluids through a slurping tube. You’re also smiling like a deranged maniac.”

“Oh.” You noticed you were, in fact, smiling a bit like a maniac and promptly lowered its craziness factor a couple levels. “Shit, sorry, best friend. I just got all caught up in some thoughts.”

“Well, stop,” he quickly commanded. “If you’re going to zone out while I’m talking, at least have thoughts about cute little hoofbeasts or something else relatively benign.” 

You simply nodded and tightened your embrace around him as he resettled himself between your legs. Karkat was _the best _moirail. He always overlooks all the times you mess up and puts more effort than you can muster into the quadrant. After getting comfortable again, you reached out with your mind and were a little surprised; The asshole trying to get to Karkat seemed to have given up.__

__MOTHERFUCKIN’ BITCHTITS!_ _

__Now that you were free of that, you could focus more on Karkat and his other problems. You cleared your throat before saying, “So, what were you going on about before I up and lost my attentions?”_ _

__He groaned and slumped against you. “I don’t know if I want to repeat it. It’s just all bad, Gamzee. All. Bad.”_ _

__You felt a little bad for not listening the first time. “Not feeling better?”_ _

__“Fuck, no,” he moaned. “Everything still hurts, I can barely move, and for some unfathomable reason, I’m nauseous and starving at the same time. I think my stomach is trying to eat itself. Isn’t nausea supposed to make you _not_ want to eat? Fuuuuuuck.”_ _

__“Uh.” You were a little overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do. You wished you paid more attention to what he was saying earlier, because you were pretty sure he told you what the matter was._ _

__“I… I think I need something sweet.”_ _

__Something sweet… oh! You think you can do something about that. You opened your sylladex and watched all of your loot cycle and spin around the multicolored cards. With uncanny swiftness, your eyes darted from card to card, taking stock of each item until you saw something that might help. You never really kept food on hand, your appetite more or less destroyed by your sopor addiction. It never really returned, even after sobering up. Karkat usually brought food to you whenever he came to see you just to be sure you didn’t wither away. Best motherfucker, ever._ _

__You just sort of reached over to pluck a full bottle of Faygo out of a card, thinking having _something_ in him would make him feel better until he can get his chow on proper. You waved it in the periphery of Karkat’s vision while giving him an inquiring wag of your eyebrows. He took it with obvious reluctance and grumbled something under his breath. He broke the seal and sniffed it, pausing with a grimace on his face; he was probably thinking whether or not it was safe to drink. _ _

__It was always a little confusing to why he was so suspicious of your wicked elixers (the Faygo, not the awesome new stuff you’ve been working on). It was just soda. He was probably not going to-_ _

__Whoa._ _

__Your prediction was immediately proven wrong when your moirail put the bottle’s opening to his mouth and tilted it upwards. You watched in awe as he started drinking, no, _chugging_ the whole bottle of Faygo right in front of you. You were completely transfixed and probably had a dumb look on your face as the bottle continued to tip upward and the Faygo level dropped. Before you knew it, the receptacle was emptied and karkat let it fall to the side and roll off the bed._ _

__“MOTHERFUCK,” you exclaimed excitedly, “I’ve never seen a brother kill a Faygo like that!”_ _

__He tapped his chest with the side of his fist to jostle a belch loose. “That stuff is total shit, but it helped a little. Thanks.” He sounded a little better, but he still seemed really tired. “I guess you’re not completely useless as a moirail.”_ _

__There were no words to describe how _elated_ you were to hear that complement. You considered giving him the tightest motherfuckin’ hug _ever_ but just remembered he was a bit bloated after downing a whole god damn bottle of Faygo. That would’ve been a disaster._ _

__Bing!_ _

__A sound from Karkat’s pocket caught both of your attentions. He pulled out his handheld, wincing as he shifted to gain access to his pocket._ _

__“Shit, it’s John,” he said, sounding worried. He just sort of sighed and stared at the device’s screen._ _

__“You gonna answer?”_ _

__“I don’t know. I’m kind of scared because I kicked him in the shame globes.”_ _

__“WHY THE MOTHERFUCK WOULD YOU UP AND GO DO THAT?” You asked harshly. He might have mentioned this earlier, too, when you were mentally occupied. But seriously, a brother doesn’t just go and kick his matesprit down there. That shit just isn’t done!_ _

__“It was an accident when I… flipped out,” he said, just barely audible. “I also sort of blamed him for this whole mess but it’s really both of our damned faults.”_ _

__“Aw, don’t be worrying about that, best friend. Windy bro is a cool guy. I’m sure he’s just trying to find you so he can get his forgiveness on,” you assured him, patting him on his stomach._ _

__You thought you caught the edges of his mouth turn upwards for a moment. “Your optimism is sickening, but okay.”_ _

__Looking over his shoulder, you watched him respond to his matesprit._ _

__ ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]. _ _

____ EB: karkat?   
EB: hey buddy, you there?    
CG: YEAH.   
EB: are you okay?    
CG: I’M FINE I GUESS.   
CG: UH…   
CG: HOW ARE YOUR SHAME GLOBES?   
EB: don’t worry, they’ll be fine! a couple of little soldiers, those two. :B   
EB: and stop typing! 

__Karkat stopped typing._ _

__ EB: i know you are in the process of writing some huge apology accompanied with ridiculous past-self-deprecating derisions and BLUH BLUH PAST ME IS A RETARD so stop that right now.  _ _

__You couldn’t help but chuckle at that, because Karkat had already typed two lines of said apology. He seemed a little irritated, though. Your moirail pressed backspace a bunch of times and restarted his next response._ _

____ CG: AND HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT I WAS IN THE PROCESS OF DOING THAT?    
EB: because i am your boyfriend, matesprit, thing.   
EB: and i pity you.   
EB: duh! 

__Motherfuck. Windy bro really knew had to hit you right in the blood pusher and get the pity juices flowing. The slight upturn of Karkat’s lips started coming back, accompanied by a glistening in the corner of his eye._ _

____ EB: now that it is known that all is forgiven, where the fuck are you??   
EB: i've literally circled this goddamn meteor three times looking for you!    
CG: REALLY? I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE BECAUSE I’VE BEEN IN THE SAME PLACE FOR THE LAST HALF HOUR.    
EB: and where is that?    
CG: I’M IN YOUR ROOM.    
EB: are you serious?   
EB: the one place I don’t look… that is so typical!   
EB: don’t move we need to have a talk about this whole thing that’s going on.    
CG: OKAY. 

__ ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG].  _ _

__“I WENT AND TOLD YOU, BRO,” you exclaimed, grinning smuggly and not at all looking deranged and maniacal. “John is all chill, so you should be, too, honk.”_ _

__“Oh, shut up, you fucking clown.” That retort lacked any and all venom because of the smile he was sporting. Such a miraculous smile. “But I think you should head deeper into the lab. Kanaya might be coming with him.”_ _

__You didn’t want to leave him just yet, especially with some psychic douche bag intent on making himself comfy up in his pan and shit, but knowing John was coming made you feel better. He was a capable dude. You also made a note to scour the meteor to see if someone decided to hitch a ride to get into mind-fucking range. Hopefully you won’t forget, but you’re getting better at remembering things. Being sober is sort of sweet._ _

__“Okay, I can be understanding why I need to abscond from here.”_ _

__“I’ll tell you everything after I figure out exactly is going on with me.”_ _

__“Sure thing, best fri-“_ _

__You stopped mid sentence when another sound caught both of your attentions. It was a voice outside the door._ _

__“The trail leads here!” Oh, motherfuck, it was Terezi._ _

__“Fuck, fuck, fuck, Gamzee you have to get out of here before she sees you!”_ _

__“Naw, I can handle her.” You weren’t particularly scared of the sister, nor Kanaya for that matter. A little nonlethal griefing wasn’t something to fret about. “I WON’T UP AND LET HER DO WHATEVER SHE PLEASES.”_ _

__His hands frantically shot to your word hole. “Gamzee shut _up_ , she’s going to hear you!” he yell-whispered. _ _

__“Really, bro. It’s not gonna be motherfuckin’ problem.”_ _

__“I believe you, but can… can you just slink away quietly? I don’t think I can take any sort of crazy altercation right now.”_ _

__You furrowed your brow and looked into his eyes, growing irate. “BUT SHE-“_ _

__“Please?”_ _

__Fuck, you can’t say no to those eyes. You nodded and gave him a relaxed smile._ _

__“Dave, will you be assisting in this investigation? Maybe this will be the “distaction" you need to stop being such a mopey wiggler.”_ _

__Oh boy, the Dave human is here too. Slinking away might be a tad more difficult with him around. That motherfucker is pretty quick._ _

__“Sure, whatever,” was the flat reply._ _

__“Excellent! All I’ll need is you and the Mayor to do is guard the door; I’m going in!”_ _

__Karkat’s yellow eyes visibly widened and he was sweating bullets, but you weren’t worried, BECAUSE THIS WASN’T A MOTHERFUCKIN’ PROBLEM. You stroked his hair gently as the door opened with its trademark metallic whoosh._ _


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo! No pesterlogs this chapter, so I had an easy time getting this ready for posting. I won't be so lucky for NEXT chapter though. Hoo boy...

**== > Karkat: Hide your Moirail! **

What moirail? Right when the door opened, the lanky body you were nestled against seemingly vanished and you fell backwards onto John’s bed, wondering what the hell happened.

“Hello, there Karkles! I see you’ve made yourself… comfy…” She faltered and started sniffing the air suspiciously. You couldn’t help but grow nervous. There was no way Gamzee could have escaped because Dave was standing in the doorway, looking infuriatingly nonchalant with his hands in his pockets like the fucking douche he is.

The clown must have been doing that super speedy thing that made him pretty much invisible and oh wait there he is. Apparently, your sensitive horns were able to pick out the subtle vibrations in the air from his movements, and he was, indeed, zooming around at impossible speeds. 

“Why does it smell like clown in here?” Terezi finally asked after sniffing up a storm. You put your best scowl on.

“This isn’t your fucking room. You can’t just come in here uninvited,” you said, propping yourself up on your elbows and ignoring her question completely. Your gaze darted between her and Dave, who had taken to ignoring what was going on in the room and started leaning against the doorway.

“It’s not like this is your room either!”

“As if John cared if I was in here,” you countered, “now go away, I’m not in the mood to deal with your bullshit.”

“But I have business with you!” she said, sauntering up to the bed and leaning over you. “I have on good authority that you and John have taken up procreation as a new hobby.”

Damn. Word travels too fast on this stupid piece of rock.

“Do you even know what you’re talking about?”

“Not really, but I want to ‘see’ for myself!”

“See what?” You knew what she was referring to, but you needed to buy time and find a way for Gamzee to get out unnoticed before Kanaya possibly showed up. He’d _really_ be in deep shit then.

“Karkat, quit trying to be obtuse!” She placed a hand on your chest and pushed you down to your back with little effort due to your weakened state. Damn, you were in no shape, physically or mentally, for this bullshit. There were too many things happening in a short period of time. “Just lay back and relax while I wo- what’s this!?”

She leaned in and sniffed deeply near your horns- what the hell? Was she salivating? “What’s this, what’s this? Your cute little nubs are smelling so _lovely_!”

“Uh.” You really wanted to wrap your hands around them to hide them from view, but that’d hurt. Terezi was no doubt considering swirling her teal-dripping tongue around your sensitized nubs after she was done with whatever shit planned to do coming in here. You shuddered at the thought. God _dammit,_ so gross.

She grabbed the hem of your sweater and started pulling it up.

“Whoa, what the fuck are you doing!?” you yelled, grabbing and pulling it back down. “Seems to be a little late to try and get me naked, don’t you think? You had your fucking chance.”

“Hahaha, you act like it’s easy to get your insecure ass to strip, mister huge sweaters! I’m surprised John got as far as he did,” she cackled, her sharp smile unfaltering. “Now shut the hell up while I apply my keen senses to your big ol’ tummy.”

“It’s not that big!” She tried to pull up your sweater again, but again you resisted. “Go away!”

“Come on, Karkles! Why won’t you just cooperate?”

“Why the hell would I want to? You come in here with the intention of violating my personal space and- mmph!”

Her hand shot to your mouth and she forcefully pushed you down into the mattress, applying her not-quite-blueblood strength to keep you subdued. You kicked and flailed, but your body was too achy to get anything accomplished.

She finally succeeded in pulling up the offending sweater to expose your stomach as you protested futilely into her hand. You were really considering biting her, but she’s one who had no qualms biting you back, and her teeth are sharper.

Before either of you could do anything else, a pair of little gloved hands and noodle-like arms flopped around her neck.

“Ah!” she yelped, hopping back and away from you. Seemingly floating in midair between the two of you was that creepy as fuck doll with the rosy cheeks dressed in loud green attire. You were vaguely aware of the shifting presence of its wielder.

“So Gamzee _is_ here!” she said as she pulled out her cane. Before she could get into her griefing stance, the doll kicked her in the chin and she fell backwards onto the ground with a loud “doof,” her red glasses sliding over to the wall.

The sound of Terezi saying hi to the floor caught Dave’s attention. “Hey, what the fuck is-“ He jumped and literally _shrieked_ when the gangly doll zoomed and bounced in front of the guy’s face, its mouth clacking wildly and its limbs flailing every which way. He unsheathed his broken blade with a wide swing, cutting neither the puppet nor its wielder.

Suddenly, the doll disappeared and with it, Gamzee’s presence. You threw your arms up in silent triumph in a way that John would usually do. Your moirail had successfully escaped into the dark depths of the meteor once more. That magnificent bastard.

Terezi picked up her glasses as she stood up, giggling to herself. “Dear old Gamzee sure doesn’t make it easy! It’s so much more fun this way!” 

“Why the flying fuck is Cal here!?” 

“Not important, Dave, we’ll get to that later!” The teal blood tilted her head to either side, making a cracking sound with her neck. The Mayor peeked into the room, looking all kinds of confused, and Terezi signaled him in. “We still have work to do.”

That whole scene was freaking hilarious (especially seeing Dave just the slightest bit freaked out), but you realized how short-lived your victory was when it dawned on you that you were now alone and at the mercy of her “investigating.”

Fuck.

 

**== > John: Reunite with boyfriend, matesprit, thing.**

“Hey, what’s Dave doing in front of my door?” Kanaya, who was walking along side you, shrugged at your question. Neither of you were expecting anyone to be here. You floated over next to the crimson clad cool kid and slowly lowered yourself gently to the ground. Walking was still a bit of a feat, so you just took to flying to get around during your not-quite-manic search across the meteor.

“Sup,” Dave greeted as you approached, his eyes and most of his face hidden by his shades, as per usual. Like you, he shot up like a weed during his time on the meteor, but stood a good few inches taller than you, so you had to tilt your head just the slightest to make eye contact (like it did much good, but still). The way he was standing there made you think he was guarding your room. How curious… and worrisome.

“Nothing besides what I already told you. What are you doing here? Based on the nature of how you left our last conversation, I thought you were dealing with something.”

“That was nothing, bro, don’t worry your pretty little head over that,” he said. He sounded the same as always: level and unreadable.

“Oh, okay then.” You attempted to walk past him and open your door, but he shifted to obstruct you. “Um, Dave, I kinda need to get into my room.”

“I know.” 

You tried to move past him again, but again, he stepped into your way.

“What are you doing?”

“Obstructing you. What does it look like?”

“ _Why_?”

He didn’t answer, and it started to grate on your nerves. You didn’t really have time for this. Kanaya, sensing your frustration, stepped forward.

“Dave, there is business we have to tend to with Karkat with the utmost alacrity. It so happens he is currently situated in John’s block.”

“S’ cool,” he responded with a shrug and aloof brevity, but he still didn’t move.

Then you heard Karkat scream.

“What the hell is going on in there?” you asked him, your tone a bit more urgent. He just stared at you from behind his glasses as if he didn’t know what you were talking about. 

Okay, you’ve had it with this horse shit. There’s little doubt Terezi was in there being… herself, and was more than likely harassing Karkat.

“Karkat! Quit squirming around!” 

Yep, she was definitely in there doing aforementioned harassing.

You reached out to forcibly move him, but his hand came up and swatted yours away. It figured that he wouldn’t make this simple. You beamed one of your so-called “derpy” grins before quickly reeling back your other arm and thrusting it forward in an attempt to punch him. You weren’t actually going to hit him (one does not simply “punch” the Strider!) but you knew he was going to block it regardless of whether or not the strike was true.

As anticipated, his hand shot up and grabbed your wrist with that trademark Strider speed. You twisted your limb, grabbing his wrist, and flung your arm outward to your side, literally tossing Dave down the hallway with next to no effort.

He hit the ground with a loud “doof” and tumbled until he ended up sitting on his rump, staring down the corridor with his glasses eschew and most likely wondering just what the hell happened. Kanaya, also very much surprised by your feat of strength, looked at you with a curiously raised eyebrow. You simply shrugged and smiled innocently.

“Sorry, bro! I had to move your ass somehow!” You called out to Dave as you activated your door. As an added bonus, the little maneuver seemed to have granted you a couple ticks to your prankster’s gambit. He totally didn’t see that coming!

“S’ cool,” he repeated, sounding a little out of it.

Since your acquisition of your shiny new parentaladder and achieving the very bottom rung; “Puerile Progenitor,” your mangrit received a _very significant_ boost. It was already pretty high from just achieving “Revenge of Doctor Ragnarok” two years prior. It’s no wonder your dad is (was?) so god damn strong. You bet he was at the very top of his ladder, or at least pretty high up there. If the other rungs are anything like the first one in terms of mangrit growth, you may end up pretty fucking strong. 

 

**== > Dave: Swoon**

You failed to swoon. However, as uncool as it was, you were pretty fucking close to doing so. Jesus, where did John get all that mangrit and why is it giving you strange heart palpitations? Settle your ass down, blood pusher. You don’t need to be sitting in the middle of the hallway blushing like a retard because he managed to toss you like you were nothing but a lightweight piece of garbage.

On another strange note, a growing feeling of agitation and not-quite-anger was mixing amongst all the upheaval of other emotions. You are _so_ confused right now.

 

**== > John: Enter Room**

As you entered your room, you were met with the… strange (for a lack of a better word) sight of Karkat being held down by the combined efforts of Terezi and the Mayor, the latter using all his limbs to cover Karkat’s mouth and keep his arms out of commission. Kanaya’s disapproval was clearly written across her face as she shook her head slowly from side to side.

Terezi made a sound of disgust and stuck out her tongue. “Geez, all I’m tasting is terrible soda! How much Faygo did you _drink_?”

Karkat mumbled something incoherently into the Mayor’s carapaced palms. He noticed you come in and shook his head, somehow managing to get his mouth free.

“John, Kanaya, finally! Help! I’m being accosted by assholes!” As he said that, Terezi ran her tongue along his exposed midsection and he shivered. “Ffffffuuuh oh my god, make her stop!”

“Maybe I need to go a little lower,” the blind troll murmured. She acted as if you and Kanaya weren’t even there.

“Don’t you fucking _dare_!” 

Okay, time to stop gawking and step in. You were pretty sure Karkat didn’t want everyone to know how ticklish he was down there. He still despised the fact _you_ knew he was ticklish down there. You hovered over to Terezi and grabbed the scruff of her shirt to yank her off the smaller troll.

“Ah! Oh, hello there, John,” she said innocently, though you can’t say the same about her smile, “I see you’re as mangritty as always!” 

“Yep! Maybe a little more so than usual. Anyway, I think that’s enough shenanigans for now. You should go.” Your voice dropped on that last part to punctuate just how serious you were.

“But I still haven’t seen them!”

“What are you talking about?” Before you got an answer, Kanaya grasped Terezi’s arm.

“Terezi, it’s more than likely that it’s too early for anything to be seen, even by your keen sensory methods.”

“But-“

“No buts,” the rainbow drinker interjected, “we do not need you to cause Karkat any more stress. Please come with me for a bit.” Before Terezi could voice any other protests, Kanaya began pulling her towards the door and into the hallway. 

You turned towards the Mayor, who was still grappling with Karkat’s upper half and gave him a stern look. Fortunately, he got the message, releasing your boyfriend and scrambling off towards the exit to join his cohorts.

Finally free from his aggressors, Karkat wiped away any remaining slobber from his stomach and pulled his sweater down before falling backwards and groaning at the ceiling.

“I am so _done_ ,” Karkat murmured. “John, if you have any true pity for me, I want you to end my suffering.”

“Karkat! You know I can’t do that. At least, not until you have my babies,” you teased with a grin. “Only then will you be of no use to me.”

“Glad to see you have some humor left. All I have to spare is burning misery and crippling crotch pain.”

“I guess we have that and common?”

“Sorry, again.”

You reassured him with a chuckle, but your smile wavered a bit when you saw how terrible Karkat actually looked. He was so pale and just completely exhausted. You knelt down at the foot of your bed and leaned forward on it, resting your head on your arms so your eyes could be level with his.

“Wow, you look like shit,” you said, placing a hand on his cheek and probably sounding a little more surprised than you intended.

“I _feel_ like shit.” 

You climbed onto the bed and pulled him into you. When his arms came up to respond in kind, you were shocked at how _hard_ he was hugging you back.

“Uh, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I just want to hug. Can we just hug now?”

“Of course!”

Karkat has never held you this tightly before. Did something happen in the last half hour? Terezi was a nut job, but you’re pretty sure she wouldn’t do anything that would traumatize him like this. They were friends after all. 

He’s probably still just really worked up over the situation. You could not _imagine_ how he must feel after finding out that he was impregnated by his alien boyfriend.

It felt like he was barely holding himself together in your arms from the way he was breathing shakily into your chest. Now you were feeling like the shittiest boyfriend ever for letting something like this happen. You should’ve been more careful.

“Karkat?” you whispered.

“Hm?” he hummed. You felt the response more than you heard it.

“I just want you to know that everything is going to be okay. We’re going to get through this, so don’t you worry. I’m going to take care of you. I promise.”

He didn’t respond, but instead his grip on you loosened and his breathing slowed. You took that as a good sign.

“Hey, Karkat, do you want to get something to eat?” you asked after a few moments. “You probably need to get something in you besides cupcakes and soda.”

No response.

“Karkat?”

You gently held him away from you only to see that he was fast asleep, and you meant _knocked out_ and almost snoring. How random.

You weren’t sure if he even heard your promise, but saying it was just enough to get you to the next rung of your parentaladder, “Mr. Responsibility.” Nice.

 

**== > Terezi: Continue being dragged out of the vicinity**

Kanaya dragged you out into the hallway and sort of sat you down next to Dave, who was staring down the hallway with his glasses crooked for some odd reason.

“Sup,” he greeted, and you greeted in kind with the same monosyllabic greeting. You turned back to Kanaya who was standing over you with her arms crossed under her chest.

“I’m requesting that you two please refrain from causing Karkat any unnecessary anxiety. Due to his current state, doing so would be detrimental to his health.”

“Okay, fine, fussy fangs.”

Kanaya’s mouth bunched to the side as if she could smell your insincerity, but it seemed to do for now because she turned and headed back towards John’s block.

“Oh, by the way!” you called out to her. She stopped and turned her head ninety degrees so she could see you. “You just missed Gamzee!”

“How… unfortunate.” She sounded a little disappointed and a bit conflicted, but you could tell she easily sorted it out soon afterwards. “Just as well. I’d probably have to restrain any impulses pertaining to the clown until Karkat lays his eggs. Any violent encounters with Karkat’s moirail would probably prove to be too problematic.”

“Eggs, huh,” the coolkid repeated as Kanaya started walking away again.

“Dave!” you addressed, trying to sound professionally outraged, “I am firing you as my bouncer, effectively immediately.”

“Pfft, fine. Hated that job anyway. Didn’t even provide dental and don’t get me started on the vacation days, or lack thereof. Plus you only hired me because of my human charms and delicious crimson vein fluids. We can’t have the other employees starting rumors.”

“Bah! Your human charms are questionable at best and the only other employee _also_ has wonderfully red blood. Face it coolkid, you were as expendable as ever and it was only a matter of time before I kicked you to the metaphorical curb.”

His hand moved to just over his heart and he clutched his chest in mock pain. “Ouch. Terezi, I thought we had something special.” 

You restrained a cackle that came out as something a little more than an open mouthed giggle. “So, you were you manhandled out of the way, I’m guessing?” you asked. As far as you knew, Dave and John were on equal footing when pitted against each other. Dave’s speed canceled out John’s advantage in strength in most cases.

He straightened the shades on his face. “Hell yeah. Where does someone even _get_ that much mangrit? Is there a vending machine on this meteor no one told me about?” 

“Beats me, but it’s given me a slight case of the vapors!” you said as you fanned yourself with your hand. “I’ve never seen so much mangrit on someone who wasn’t a hulking sweaty creep!” That earned you a smirk, which is as good as anything when it came from Dave.

“So we gonna back off Karkles til he pops out his alien spawn?”

“Of course not!”

 

**== > Kanaya: Brief Karkat on specifics of his condition**

Unfortunately, that was something you could not do. You nearly ran into John when he came out of his room at the same time you tried to enter it, and he started explaining that Karkat had just fallen asleep.

“It’s the weirdest thing! He was in my arms wide awake, then he just kind of zonked out,” he explained. “I even said an awesome line that would make his, what are they called, pity hummers melt.”

“Pity humors,” you corrected. You felt John didn’t have a grasp over what a pity humor actually _was,_ but didn’t find it pertinent enough to explain it to him.

“Yeah those. The line was movie material!” 

You put a hand to your chin. “It is possible that Karkat will end up with mild case of narcolepsy, or something similar to it. The book explained that trolls who are lacking sleep or suffer from insomnia tend to fall asleep at random times in order to achieve the optimum amount of rest and increase the success of the brood.”

“Huh, weird. Good to know that’s going to happen, I guess.”

“In any case, Karkat would’ve needed to sleep a lot more often even if he achieved the average amount of rest a normal troll needed.”

“I pretty much tucked him in so he can sleep comfortably.” He moved out the way and gestured toward his bed to show you his handiwork. Karkat was curled in the center of the bed, surrounded by cushions and pillows with a blanket draped over him, and yeah, he was out like a light. It was a tad comical how he was sleeping, curled into a ball with his mouth hanging open. “I tried to simulate a pile since you guys like that kind of thing. But honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing!” He shrugged, donning an air of helplessness.

“That’s perfectly fine,” you assured him, lightly touching his arm. “When he wakes up, we can explain everything to him. Also, we need to make sure he eats.”

John nodded in agreement before heading back into the room, probably to keep watch over his matesprit lest the mischievous trio returned to pester him during his slumber. You’re well aware that they would try to initiate more shenanigans to accomplish what they failed today. Speaking of which, you looked down the hallway and noticed the three had vanished. It’s unfortunate that recent events have given them another way to vent their boredom at Karkat’s expense. 

As of now, there were an unsettling number of curiosities that you wanted to explore involving all of the new knowledge pertaining to the reproduction of your species, so you started towards your own block. Now was a good a time as any to start doing a bit more research.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! This part took quite a bit of formatting. Also, **WARNING for slightly graphic descriptions** in the last part, just to be safe.

**== > Karkat: Finish filling moirail in**

CG: SO THAT’S BASICALLY IT.  
TC: shiiiiiiit bro.   
TC: I KNEW YOU WERE A MIRACULOUS MOTHERFUCKER,   
TC: but i can’t even be wrapping my pan around the idea you’re growing wigglers all up in your belly.   
CG: YEAH IT’S TOTALLY FUCKED UP.   
CG: NOW I HAVE TO MAKE SURE I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF OR THESE GOD DAMN THINGS ARE GOING TO BE THE END OF ME.   
CG: HELL, I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW MANY I’M SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING.   
CG: MY MIND IS STILL FLAILING AROUND THE CONCEPT LIKE AN UGLY MARIONETTE WHOSE PUPPET STRINGS ARE TANGLED IN AN UNHOLY CLUSTERFUCK OF LONG FORGOTTEN ANATOMICAL BULLSHIT WHILE BEING CONTROLLED BY SOME SCHIZOPHRENIC ASSHOLE BENT ON PUTTING ON THE WORST SHOW IN PARADOX SPACE.   
TC: AW SHOOSH, DON’T WORRY BEST FRIEND.   
TC: i’m sure it’s going to be all good in the end. :o)   
CG: I GUESS.   
CG: ANY LUCK FIGURING OUT WHAT THAT THING WAS?   
TC: WHAT THING?  
CG: THE FUCKING THING THAT WAS FUCKING WITH MY FUCKING BRAIN! PLEASE DON’T TELL ME YOU FORGOT ABOUT IT.   
TC: i kinda did, but rest assured, brother, i did a search all quick like and made myself pretty sure no one is on this wayward rock besides us motherfuckers before i up and got to forgetting shit.   
TC: WHATEVER THE MOTHERFUCK IT IS, IT’S NOT CHILLING ANYWHERE UP HERE.   
CG: THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER.   
TC: aw man, i thought it’d put you at ease to know there wasn’t nobody here.   
CG: I’M NOT AT EASE BECAUSE WHATEVER IT IS EITHER HAS LONG FUCKING RANGE OR HAS THE ABILITY TO FLY OFF AT ITS LEISURE.   
TC: OH. :o(  
CG: NOW DO YOU SEE HOW THAT’S HORRIBLY DISCONCERTING IN A DISGUSTINGLY INUMERAL AMOUNT OF WAYS?   
CG: I REALLY DON’T THINK I CAN TAKE DEALING WITH SOME OTHER ASSHOLE BESIDES THE ONES I ALREADY DEAL WITH ON A DAILY BASIS.   
CG: ANY OTHER DAY I’D BE LIKE  
CG: BRING IT FUCKER, I CAN TAKE ANYTHING YOU CAN THROW AT ME!  
CG: BUT NOW… UUUGGGH. I JUST CAN’T DO IT. APPARENTLY FLIPPING MY SHIT HAS THE EXTRA TREAT OF JUMP STARTING ALL OF THE HORRIBLE THINGS I’M DUE FOR.   
TC: just relax and chill, because i told you  
TC: I’LL HANDLE IT.   
TC: just kick back with a frosty beverage and maybe get your snooze on.   
TC: CATCH SOME RIGHTEOUS Z’S  
TC: then maybe chow down on some of the cakelets.   
CG: CUPCAKES  
TC: YEAH THOSE.   
CG: FINE. I’LL SAVE ALL IMPENDING FREAK OUTS UNTIL I FEEL SIGN OF IT AGAIN. THEY’D JUST MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE ANYWAY.   
CG: I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE I HAVE TO DO SO I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER.   
TC: honk  
TC: HOLD ON I WANTED TO UP AND ASK YOU SOMETHING BEFORE I FORGET.   
CG: OKAY?   
TC: can I have one?   
CG: ONE OF WHAT?   
TC: YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN WIGGLERS.   
CG: WHAT   
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT ONE MY WIGGLERS?   
TC: well…  
CG: WAIT, SCRATCH THAT AND SHUT THE HELL UP, I DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW.   
CG: HOLY SHIT, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK ME THAT???   
TC: UHHH  
CG: NO, YOU CANNOT FUCKING HAVE ONE OF MY WIGGLERS. THEY’RE NOT JUST MINE. THEY’RE ALSO JOHN’S AND I’M PRETTY DAMN SURE HE’D OBJECT TO THAT.   
CG: END OF CONVERSATION, NOW PROCEEDING TO WIPE THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ASKED SUCH AN ADDLEPANNED QUESTION. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]. 

TC: :o(

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]. 

CG: <>  
TC: honk <>

carcinoGeneticist [CG]  ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC].

 

 **== > Karkat: Open Memo**

CCG RIGHT NOW opened memo on board REALLY CAN’T GIVE A FUCK

CCG: I’M COMPLETELY FLABBERGASTED AT THE RELATIVE SCARCITY OF MY FUTURE SELF AT THE MOMENT.  
CCG: YOU WOULD THINK I WOULD’VE GOTTEN SOME SORT OF WARNING.   
CCG: “HEY PAST ME, HEADS UP, YOU’LL BE LAYING EGGS WITHIN THE NEXT FEW PERIGEES OR SO”   
CCG: OR SOMETHING!   
CCG: FUCK.   
CCG: I DON’T EVEN FEEL ALL THAT ANGRY ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.   
CCG: IT’S PROBABLY PREGNANCY HORMONE BULLSHIT.   
CCG: I BARELY HAD THE DRIVE TO RESPOND TO MY OLD MEMO I MADE NOT TOO LONG AGO.   
CCG: I GUESS I CAN UNDERSTAND.   
CCG: MAYBE FUTURE ME’S THINK PAN IS SO MELLOWED OUT BY RECENTLY ACTIVATED CHEMICAL PRODUCTIVITY THAT HE’S JUST NOT EVEN BOTHERING GRACING PAST ME WITH HIS DOUCHEY PRESENCE.   
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo  
CEB: karkat…  
CEB: what did we just finish telling you?   
CCG: LET US SEE HOW MANY FUCKS I GIVE ABOUT WHAT YOU TOLD ME.   
CCG: COME ON, LOVE, COUNT THEM FOR ME. WHAT’S THAT? YOU DON’T SEE ANY?   
CCG: HAH BECAUSE I GIVE NONE OF THE FUCKS!   
CCG: NONE OF THEM.   
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA]  RIGHT NOW responded to memo  
CGA: I Told You John  
CGA: I Do Believe You Now Owe Me At Least Three Hours Of Modeling Time  
CEB: uh  
CGA: Ive Been Itching To Design A Nice Outfit Tailored To Your Particular Physique  
CEB: i thought we were betting boondollars or something.   
CGA: In All Seriousness John What Am I Going To Do With Boondollars  
CCG: WHAT ARE YOU TWO GOING ON ABOUT?   
CGA: Nothing Really  
CGA: But If You Must Know Your Matesprit And I Made A Little Wager  
CEB: we bet on whether or not you’d open another memo even AFTER we explained that it’d be better if you stopped doing that.   
CEB: now I have to play dress up because you’re a stubborn ass!   
CEB: thanks a lot!   
CCG: THAT’S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT.   
CCG: NO ONE TOLD YOU TO MAKE A FUCKING WAGER ON WHATEVER WHIMSY I DECIDE TO ACT UPON.   
CCG: THAT WAS JUST A REALLY BAD BET ON YOUR PART, BECAUSE YOU DAMN WELL KNOW I DO WHAT I WANT.   
CEB: well excuse me for having a little faith in you!   
CGA: Do We Have To Explain To You Again That You Need To Keep Your Stress Levels At A Minimum To Prevent Future Complications During Your Term  
CGA: Its Obvious To Everybody That Your Habit Of Arguing With Yourself Will Not Be Conducive To This Goal  
CCG: PLEASE REFER TO WHAT I TOLD JOHN CONCERNING HOW MANY FUCKS I GIVE.   
CCG: THE BOTH OF YOU CAN PISS OFF WHILE I STEW IN MY UNGRATIFYING LUKEWARM RAGE BEFORE MY BODY DECIDES TO BRING IN THE CHEMICAL FIRE SQUAD TO DUMP THE LOAD GAPER ONTO THE DYING BONFIRE OF WHAT REMAINS OF MY SWEET DELICIOUS FURY.   
CCG: AND THERE IT GOES.   
CCG: THANKS A LOT. NOW I’M ALL MELLOWED OUT AGAIN. I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT WAVE OF ANGER SO I CAN LET MY FUTURE SELVES HAVE IT WHENEVER THEY DECIDE TO CRAWL OUT FROM WHATEVER SLAB OF STONE THEY’RE HIDING UNDER.   
CEB: we are just trying to make sure you don’t have a repeat of… your earlier freak out.   
CEB: for the safety of external genitalia everywhere.   
CEB: we’ll figure out a way to stop you if we have to!   
CEB: maybe lock you out of the system or something.   
CCG: OH THAT’S A LAUGH.   
CCG: NOBODY ON THIS METEOR IS ANY BETTER AT THIS COMPUTER BULLSHIT THAN I AM, AND THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING. YOU’LL NEVER FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO THAT.   
CGA: Speaking Of Which  
CGA: I Think It Would Be Prudent To Forbid You From Coding Or Messing With Technological Forces That You Frankly Just Dont Understand  
CEB: ouch  
CCG: HEY, I DO UNDERSTAND TECHNOLOGY!   
CGA: I Did Not Mean That To Be Disparaging  
CGA: I Am Only Saying It Would Be Too Risky For You To Indulge Such a Hobby In Your  
CGA: Delicate State  
CGA: Given Your Track Record When It Comes To Computers And Computer Related Explosions And Fires  
CCG: MAN, ONCE!   
CCG: MY COMPUTER SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED ONE FUCKING TIME.   
CGA: Since You Have Been On The Meteor  
CGA: That I Know Of  
CEB: i am still trying to figure out how you did that.   
CGA: And That Is Also Overlooking The Haphazard Execution Of Code That Supposedly Enacted That Absurd Curse  
CEB: curse?   
CGA: Its Not Important  
CCG: LET’S SAY I AGREE TO YOUR UNACCCEPTABLE TERMS.   
CCG: WHAT, PRAY-FUCKING-TELL, WOULD YOU SUGGEST I DO WHILE I WAIT TO BLAST GRUBS OUT OF MY INFLAMED NETHERREGIONS?   
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW has responded to memo  
CGC: YOU C4N 4LW4YS SW1NG MY W4Y FOR 4…  
CCG: NO  
CGC: FULL 3X4M1N4T1ON!   
CGC: >;]  
CCG: NO NO NO KEEP YOUR DISGUSTING ORAL APPENDAGE TO YOURSELF!   
CCG: YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT TO “SEE” THEM LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!   
CCG banned CGC from responding to memo  
CEB: can she really see inside of you with her tongue?   
CCG: HELL IF I KNOW.   
CGA: Karkat You May Partake In Any Activity You Would Like  
CGA: As Long As It Doesn’t Involve Strifing Griefing Or Anything That Has a Remote Chance Of Injuring You Physically Or Emotionally  
CCG: WELL THAT JUST ABOUT NARROWS IT DOWN TO SITTING ON MY ASS ALL DAY.   
CCG: I LOOK FORWARD TO THIS FULFILLING PERIOD OF MY SAD EXISTENCE.   
CEB: just go do something else a bit more relaxing to past the time.   
CEB: like watch a movie or play a videogame.   
CEB: i still have lots of stuff that i brought from my house before I caught the jade and made my way over here! :D  
FUTURE ectoBiologist [FEB] 391 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo  
FEB: hi!   
CEB: it is me from the future!!   
CCG: OH NUBSLURPING HELL.   
CCG: EXCUSE ME WHILE I PREPARE MYSELF AHEAD OF TIME TO REPEATEDLY SLAM MY HEAD ONTO MY KEYBOARD FROM THIS ENSUING CONVERSATION WHICH WILL NO DOUBT BE HEADSPLITTINGLY INTOLERABLE.   
CGA: On The Off Chance My Previous Statement Did Not Successfully Cement A Strong Enough Implication  
CGA: You Are Not Allowed To Do That Either  
CCG: OF COURSE…  
CEB: so future me, how’s the future with future karkat on the future meteor? future-y i presume?   
FEB: yup!   
FEB: anyway, the real reason i’m here is because i figured out how to keep karkat off the memos!   
CCG: AND HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU MANAGE THAT?   
FEB: well not me exactly, but someone else did.   
FUTURE twinArmageddons [FTA] 391 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo  
FTA: sup kk  
CCG: I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT ONE COMING.   
CCG: SOLLUX WHY ARE YOU ON THE METEOR?   
FTA: just swinging by f0r a visit with aa.   
FEB: i enlisted his help so we can nip this thing in the bud, using the stupidly confusing timeline applications to stop things as early as possible.   
CEB: great idea! i will use it.   
FEB: you definitely will. B)   
FTA: just run this code I put t0gether and that’ll handle everything.   
FTA: ceb i sent it to y0u because you have t0 run it from y0ur time period.  
CEB: okay!   
CCG: DUDE, YOU ARE SUCH A TRAITOR. WHY BECOME PART OF THIS SCHEME TO SHUT ME DOWN?   
FEB: oh, karkat, you know i can be highly persuasive!   
CEB: what did you, or i, have to do?   
FEB: don’t worry about it, bro, sollux is easy to talk into it.   
FTA: and fuck y0u.   
FTA: you just happened t0 catch me in a go0d mo0d, otherwise i w0uldn’t of made y0u shit.   
FEB: hint hint: use the cooooooookies  
CEB: heheheh noted.   
FTA: and fuck your c0okies, t0o, they weren’t that great.   
FEB: blah blah they were good enough that you ate all of them anyway  
FEB: you are the cookie monster. it is you.   
FTA: i have n0 idea what that is.   
CCG: UUUUUUGGGH SHUT THE HELL UP. ALL THREE OF YOU.   
CCG: FUUUUUUUCK.   
CCG: AT LEAST THIS EXPLAINS THE SHORTAGE OF FUTURE ME’S RESPONSES.   
CCG: SINCE JOHN AND KANAYA ARE OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO COLLECTIVELY BECOME MY LUSUS AND ARE REVOKING MY MEMO PRIVILEGES, I SHOULD BE A GOOD LITTLE WIGGLER AND FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO OCCUPY MY FREE TIME.   
FTA: what??   
CCG: GOD, I’M TIRED.   
CCG: WHY AM I SO FUCKING TIRED? I LITERALLY JUST WOKE UP TWO HOURS AGO.   
CCG: I MIGHT CONK OUT AGAIN ANY MOMENT SO I GOTTA MAKE THIS QUICK.   
CCG: I BID YOU ALL A FINAL FUCK YOU.   
CCG: AND SOLLUX EXPECT IN FULL AN ADDITIONAL FUCK YOU, BEST BRO EDITION, FROM FUTURE ME, WHICH IS CURRENT ME FROM WHERE YOU STAND.   
FTA: eheheheh okay kk whatever y0u say.   
CEB: go lie down and i'll bring you something sweet, okay?   
CCG: OKAY.   
CCG: <3  
CEB: <3  
FTA: oh my g0d just stop.   
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo  
CTG: ikr its just so sickening  
CTG: go get a room  
CTG: oh wait you already did  
CTG ceased responding to memo  
FTA: HOLY SHIT you guys PAILED????   
CCG: AL;SKDGJAL;SD  
CCG: THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE!   
CCG: LET’S JUST TELL ANYONE WHO SETS FOOT ON THE METEOR WHAT TRANSPIRED BEHIND CLOSED DOORS LIKE IT’S JUST EVERYONES GOD DAMN BUSINESS!   
CCG: HEY LOOK WE’RE FLYING BY SOME RANDOM TENTACLED HORRORTOOL, LET’S TELL HIM WHO FUCKED WHO IN THE LAST SWEEP!   
FTA: there are n0 words t0 describe how hilari0us that is.   
FTA: kk  
FTA: details  
FTA: NOW  
CEB: um, alright then…  
CEB: running the code!   
carcinoGeneticist [CG] is banned from viewing and posting to all memos  
FTA: w0w  
FTA: pailing humans, i didn’t think that’d actually become a thing.   
FTA: especially kk of all pe0ple.   
FTA: we can’t leave you kids al0ne for a sec0nd, huh?   
CGA: Thats One Less Thing To Worry About   
CGA: I Somehow Trust He Wont Make Up Additional Aliases Of A Numerical Nature To Bypass The Ban  
FTA: nah i thought 0f that, so i made it imp0ssible for him to access mem0s from his 0wn devices.   
CGA: Even Better  
FTA: now that that’s d0ne, can one 0f you tell me what’s really g0ing on with kk?   
FTA: and what’s this business with grubs i'm reading?   
CGA: I Would Believe Future Me Would Be Better Versed Than I Am Currently   
CGA: So I Suggest Asking Her  
CGA ceased responding to memo  
FTA: wait  
CEB: yeah, ask future us! it feels sort of silly to explain things when you have better answerers right next to you.   
CEB ceased responding to memo.  
FEB: uh  
FEB ceased responding to memo.  
FTA: 0h what the fuck  
FTA: i already asked your c0llective future asses and no 0ne will tell me!   
FTA: all you did was absc0nd from the topic.   
FTA: see if i d0 anything for y0u jerks again! 

FTA closed memo.

 

**== > John: Speak with future self**

FEB 392 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board BUBBLE HOPPING METEOR BROS.

CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CEB: okay i'm here.  
CEB: what did you, er, i need to tell me, myself, yourself.  
CEB: uh, yeah.  
FEB: i have to relay a message of the greatest importance!  
FEB: everything you need to know will be revealed with the item alchemized with this code.  
FEB: n0lsoLpS.  
FEB: go alchemize it! I’ll still be here.  
CEB: oh, alright.  
CEB: brb.  
FEB: (heheheh)  
CEB: it’s just a cake, what could possibly-  
CEB: DUDE WHAT THE FUCK.  
CEB: AN EXPLODING CAKE, SERIOUSLY????  
CEB: OH MY GOD IT’S EVERYWHERE.  
FEB: bahahaha!  
FEB: this is so much funnier on the other end of the prank!  
FEB: later!  
FEB ceased responding to memo.  
CEB: i just got pranked.  
CEB: by myself.  
CEB: i'm unsure how to feel about this.  
CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] responded to memo.  
CTT: Really, John?  
CTT: Really?  
CEB: YOU SAW NOTHING!!!  
CTT: Oh, but I definitely heard what was apparently the cake explosion.  
CEB banned CTT from responding to memo  
CEB: brilliant…  
CEB: what better way to fill the gambit than by pranking the prank master himself!?  
CEB: damn, i'm good.

CEB closed memo

 

**== > Kanaya: Research!**

A faint knock on your door broke your focus, and you took stock of your surroundings for the first time since you finished berating Karkat in the memo (which was probably a couple hours ago). Your respiteblock, usually having some semblance of order besides the stray cushion or roll of fabric that littered the floor, was in a state of disarray. The chalkboard in front of you was scribbled with various notes and dates, and loose writing planes were scattered all over the place.

The few books you managed to keep on you before your planet was destroyed by Jack were all opened to specific pages and spread out in an arc behind you. Truthfully, you had accidentally captchalogued the books in the customary fit of messing with your sylladex, and your chastity modus proceeded to lock the cards and essentially (and irritatingly) cost you all of that space up to this point. The key was nowhere to be found until just recently; The chest it was in was kind of just sitting there in the middle of the hallway where it obviously wasn’t before, and you ended up staring at it in confusion for at least five minutes.

The knock occurred again, followed by that familiar voice, “Kanaya, may I come in?”

“Of course, Rose.”

Your door slid open and the seer strode in with the large book she hid away with in tow. She stopped for a moment, blinking and taking in the state of your block, before continuing forward and finding a seat on one of your cushions.

“I see you’ve been busy,” she commented, placing the _Troll Reproduction for Assholes_ book in front of her. She was probably already done reading the heavy thing. 

“Indeed. I’m just filling in a few blanks that have made me curious,” you explained, turning back to your chalk board.

“Like?”

You gestured towards an elegantly drawn timeline with clearly labeled sections for every season in addition to special marks on measured parts of its length.

“I’m mostly just trying to understand how something like this, troll reproduction, I mean, can be hidden from the populace for millennia. This would require a bit more work than just leaving it out of schoolfeeding curriculums.”

“It seems you’ve made some progress,” Rose observed. You could see that twinkle in her eye; that spark of interest that was apparent (to those who looked for it) whenever she encountered new information. It was rather attractive.

“Yes, but I think I may need a break lest I run myself ragged from my fervent scouring of books and calendars,” you admitted.

Before Rose could comment, you suddenly remembered something important. With your back to her, you filled in and labeled more parts of the timeline, stopping to take in and digest the new relationship this tidbit of information had with newly discovered knowledge. 

“Ah ha,” you whispered to yourself, picking up an adjacent book and flipping through some of the pages. You pointed to one point on the time line before chalking in “first dark season,” but then you realized that you had nearly forgotten about Rose.

You turned to her sheepishly. “Oh, my apologies-”

“No, no, it’s alright,” she smiled, chuckling softly, “I must say your renewed enthusiasm is quite refreshing.”

Oh. You felt your face blush.

“Since you’ve stopped hunting for the clown on behalf of our expecting troll, you seemed to have occupied something of a rut.” 

It was true. Since the destruction of the matriorb, you sort of just lolled around, unsure of your purpose in the events to come, and your agreement with Karkat gave you less to do with your spare time. You’d be lying if you said the recent event of his impregnation didn’t have you a little more stimulated than usual. 

“It’s nice to see this studious side of you,” she added.

“I should’ve figured you’d take a liking to those who shared a thirst for knowledge.”

“The heart wants what the heart wants,” she said almost dreamily, and you couldn’t help but grin. She stood up and made her way to your side. “Now, would you be so kind as to tell me what you’ve found so far? I may be of help now that I’ve briefed myself on the biological specifics.” 

There was _definitely_ something she could help, but first, you pointed to the timeline that you just added to.

“This line here basically dictates a-“

“Sweep,” she interjected.

“Right. So apparently, there are specific time periods in which trolls are able to become pregnant called-“

“Seasons.”

You crossed your arms and shifted your weight to one leg, narrowing your eyes playfully. “Rose, please. I’m trying to put on a scholarly air! Knowing stuff may be your jurisdiction, but can you humor me for a bit?”

“Sorry,” she said with a slight giggle. She waved a hand outward towards your notes. “By all means, please continue, professor Kanaya.”

You smirked before saying, “Excellent.” You circled two segments of the line, one at the beginning and one at the beginning of the second half. “Trolls back on Alternia were systematically laid and hatched during two periods of the sweep, which take place shortly after the ‘pailing seasons.’”

“In which the drones come to retrieve the genetic offerings and cull those who did not fulfill this criteria?”

You nodded. One had to concede that Rose, being the smart one, made things so much easier when it came to explaining. “Pailing season took place, here and here, roughly half a sweep apart,” you continued, pointing to the two quarters of the sweep that were not encircled. “Because of the systematic hatching, my group of twelve possibly excluded due to our meteoric origins, all trolls are hatched during the same periods. However, our wriggling day is officially assigned and recorded, along with our signs, when we complete the trials and emerge from the brooding caverns, so the dates have some variance.”

Rose watched as you then pulled her attention to the circled segments before continuing. 

“Because of the hatching of trolls during either one of these two periods, all trolls would have theoretically entered their seasons at the same time during puberty, here and here.” Your chalk clacked audibly against one section. “Pailing season occurs conveniently during the periods where no trolls would be in their reproductive cycle.”

“I see. So because of the Alternian empire’s tight hold on reproduction, they easily kept everyone’s schedules synchronized. By doing this, they have complete control and record of every single troll that is born. Though, there is something that bothers me.”

“Go on,” you encouraged, awaiting her problem.

“Sopor slime, I’ve read, has the effect of neutralizing a troll’s seasonal schedule when it is either ingested or slept in on a regular basis. The book implied that the substance was not as widely used as you had explained in your society. All trolls slept in sopor slime before SGRUB, correct?”

“Yes, it was required to help us sleep at least somewhat soundly through the constant nightmares we would have.”

“Yet, I’ve seen nor heard of you having these aforementioned nightmares since our arrival on the meteor, or at least not frequently enough to warrant any type of notice.”

“I cannot explain why, exactly, but I have a theory.”

“Oh, I do love theories.”

“I believe I’ve told you before about Feferi’s fuchsia blooded Lusus, Gl’bgolyb. It had always carried over our race’s head an extreme threat to our existence due to its psychic powers in the form of the ‘Vast Glub’. I noticed that the terrible visions during my sleep have stopped near completely after I’ve entered the veil, which was quite a relief personally. I’m thinking that the monstrosity’s continued psychic presence may have caused our continued daytime, or nighttime in my case, mental suffering.”

Rose hummed in understanding. “Alright. So that leads me to believe that the empire capitalized on this, negating the entire species’ cycles with continued and necessary use of sopor.”

“That would be a fair assumption, but I feel that, even without the seasonal disruption side effect, sopor would’ve been necessary to get the proper rest for a troll to be remotely functional in the first place.”

“Good point.”

The two of you turned back to your research. There was still a lot to go over, so you were just getting warmed up. You weren’t entirely sure how to feel about all the things you’ve connected in the last couple hours. It was appalling how the empire could keep something under wraps for who knows how long, yet it didn’t surprise you in the least. Rose broke the thoughtful silence.

“I guess our boys were unfortunate enough to handle their business right when Karkat’s seasonal cycle was returning after being off sopor for so long,” she said, sounding slightly amused.

“Yes, unfortunate,” you agreed, “but, I guess in a certain light it was actually quite the opposite. I would’ve never learned any of this if it weren’t for their unrestrained concupiscent fooling around.”

“Through Karkat’s next few months of suffering, a vast mine of knowledge and experiences will be unearthed for everyone else’s benefit.”

“His scientific martyrdom will make him the main subject of many journals and textbooks to come.” 

“Shall we coauthor the first one?” Rose asked jokingly.

“Oh, absolutely.” The both of you shared a chuckle. He would hate that so much, but it just seemed so hilariously fitting. 

“In all honesty,” she began, grabbing your attention (as if she had ever lost it), “this method of troll reproduction is just fascinating. It is basically a strange amalgam of the mother grub method and the one I’m more familiar with when it comes to humans and other mammalian species.”

“That is true,” you said, “That also reminds me. I need to borrow your brain.” She turned to you and gave you an inquiring blink.

“For?”

“Another thing I planned on looking into is the _how_ of this particular situation. I’m not at all expecting to find the correct answer, but the question is still wracking my think pan.”

“Ah, you mean the situation concerning one John Egbert, who is as human as human can be, who happens to be siring this brood of probable trolls.”

“Precisely.”

“I’m actually a little ahead of you in that regard. I have put together a theory of my own which will most likely explain how this instance came to be.”

“Oh.” That was a pleasant surprise. “I guess we can jump right into me playing the troll devil’s advocate and explaining how utterly _impossible_ this entire situation is, despite the apparent evidence in front of me, so you, using your knowledge of the human aspect of reproduction, can give me a decent enough rebuttal to help me move on from this particular train of thought and quite possibly prevent any unnecessary loss of sleep.”

“I do hope the counters that I will no doubt pull out of my derriere are substantial enough to elicit this transition of thought,” Rose said, smiling. “I must warn ahead of time that what I come with will most likely be bullshit.”

“I’m already prepared to see it as such if it has to come down to that.”

With a nod, you stepped over to another part of the board that wasn’t completely covered in scribbles. You started drawing a crude silhouette of a troll’s lower anatomy (by crude, you meant not as detailed as your usual drawings. It required _some_ artistic talent to scribble out your dress designs on paper, you know), making sure to draw the organs relevant to the ensuing discussion.

The largest organ you drew, the genetichamber (the troll counterpart to the human womb, you were told), was pretty much where everything took place after, ahem, the concupiscent act. Of course, Rose already knew this but it never hurt to keep things fresh with a bit of review. She apparently understood this, too, and didn’t find the need to interrupt. It was a little embarrassing, having to go into to all of this, but Rose was mature enough.

After the quick identification, you explained that the genetichamber’s entire organization is altered once a troll’s in season. One major change is the activation of several glands that secrete a special chemical that prolongs the viability of genetic material. The chamber during any time of the sweep can keep genetic material “fresh” for a few days in the case a bucket was not available (for some odd reason). The mixing of the seasonal chemical prolongs it to up to a week. 

The spore sac, a notably smaller and unassuming organ located near the upper part of the chamber, releases egg cells during the season and additionally whenever the troll has an orgasm with enough pity hormones. A released egg cell then floats around and soaks in the genetic fluids until it comes into contact with enough of the free floating genes to become completely fertilized, in which case the egg sinks and attaches to the wall of the chamber, thus signaling the body to start the next steps.

With all of that said, now was the time for your closing statement.

“So, given that human males supply a very small amount of genetic material, I see no possible way that Karkat could be effectively fertilized.” You punctuated the statement with a clap of chalky hands. “I shall now relinquish the floor to you, Ms. Lalonde, for your counter argument to convince me otherwise.”

The two of you effectively switched places; You took a seat on one of the cushions and folded your legs underneath you while Rose approached the board, gathering her thoughts for the compelling argument to come.

“I can see why you are skeptical,” Rose began, turning to you. “Because of the fact that the egg cells must serendipitously absorb all necessary genes, individually at that, from the pool of material to become viable before their life span ended, it would seem highly unlikely that a human could fertilize a troll’s egg cell.”

“Right.”

“Judging by your explanation and by the reading material, troll genetic material seems pretty loose in composition.”

“Loose?”

“Yes, because every single cell of a human male’s “genetic material” consists of half of the necessary genes required in order to create a human being.”

“Wow, really? So they are similar to the egg?” Fascinating.

She nodded. “Assuming a troll’s egg cell is similar to that of a human’s in more than just that regard, it would theoretically only take one sperm cell-“ You raised your hand. “Question?”

“Just for clarification, sperm is the term for a cell of human genetic material?”

“Yes. I probably should’ve of mentioned that, but moving along to my theories. I’m guessing that all it takes is one of the countless number of sperm to properly fertilize the troll egg. As for the issue concerning John being human, there’s a possibility that trolls and humans share a lot of the core genes. If that’s not the case, my second guess is that the cells would use Karkat’s genetics for the necessary traits involving horns, internal biology and what have you, while it fills in the blanks and pulls less important genes, such as facial appearance, height, and whatnot from John’s genetics.”

Okay, now this is starting to make your pan hurt.

“That makes absolutely no sense,” you said after a moment, deadpan.

Rose shrugged. “Sorry, genetics is neither my strong suit nor an interest I’ve indulged a lot of time into, and I did, in fact, warn you of the excremental origins of my theories.”

“That’s okay, but assuming there is truth to either of your theories, I still find it _extremely_ unlikely for Karkat to be impregnated with such a small amount of material. The odds of the egg cells meeting with the sperm at all just seem incredibly dismal.”

“Oh, maybe this other bit of information can answer this question.” Rose picked up a piece of chalk and drew a circle and a squiggly line connecting to it. “It seems to me that troll genetic material takes a more passive role in fertilization.”

“Um, what is that?” you inquired. Also, what did she mean by passive? It’s genetic material; What more is it supposed to do besides stew in various organ bladders and mix genes to create new life? You must be missing something.

“A single cell of human genetic material,” Rose answered, placing the chalk down on the metallic pane on the bottom.

“They have… some sort of flagella?”

“Yes, because humans’ can swim!”

“What.”

The expression on your face must have been amusing because Rose was doing her best not to laugh with the way her hand moved to cover her mouth just so. You probably couldn’t blame her; you could feel how wide your eyes were and how low your jaw must’ve been hanging because really…

That was, indeed, the craziest bullshit you have _ever_ heard.

 

**== > Elsewhere…**

“AA where are we going _now_?”

“You’ll see when we get there,” you replied cheerfully. You heard him let out a frustrated sigh a short distance behind you, and you rolled your eyes. “You could’ve stayed in the last bubble, you know!”

There was no irritation or reproof in your tone, because truthfully, you enjoyed his company. Sure, he liked to whine every twenty two minutes, but you were okay with that. He did slow down your traveling, however, because he has the habit of falling behind due to an apparent lack of depth perception, or by being distracted by the loud bodily noises of a particularly close horroterror. It wasn’t a good idea for him to get separated from you, despite the fact he could just follow your fairy dust trail. You had almost gotten him to stick around with Feferi the last time you ran into her, but she seemed somewhat busy with her own agenda.

By the way, you are now Aradia Megido if you hadn’t noticed. It’s always good to make absolutely sure you knew exactly who you were.

“Meh, the last bubble was boring and I didn’t feel like staying there,” he explained, “Plus, AT sucks at video games.”

“Oh, Sollux,” you sighed, shaking your head and making the curls peeking out of your hood sway with the movement. “Everybody can’t be as amazing as you are. Come on, slowpoke, keep in mind I have a bit of schedule to keep! It’d behoove the Maid of Time to actually be _on_ time.”

He nodded and smirked that half smirk he usually does before unleashing a small burst of black and white energy to pick up his pace and close the distance between you. 

The two of you have been floating through the dark void for quite a while, searching out dream bubbles and talking to their inhabitants to both collect and spread information. Somewhere off in the distance, clashes of green energy would resonate through the Furthest Ring as two super powers duked it out in a seemingly everlasting stalemate. A particular big one would catch both your and Sollux’s attention, making you both wonder if they were getting too close, but it was usually nothing. But really, any distance is too close when teleportation was involved. 

The next allotment of time was spent with you humming a lively tune with Sollux on your heels, but you came to a halt when you saw something strange.

It was a dream bubble… you think. No, wait, it was definitely a dream bubble.

Unlike the beautifully iridescent orbs that you were used to visiting, this one looked grim and fragile. Its surface tension seemed unstable by the way its sides constantly bulged and reformed, and it looked like it was in a constant struggle to keep itself from popping out of existence. It was also giving off a strange psychic energy from the inside, one that you weren’t particularly familiar with. The way it felt was different from anything your friends (or anyone else you’ve met for that matter) had at their disposal.

Sollux stopped at your side and turned to you, curiosity written on his face. “Hey, what’s this?”

“I’m not entirely sure. I think we need to investigate,” you said, fluttering your wings and darting towards the strange bubble. When you got within touching distance, you were a bit apprehensive about reaching out to it, but you did it anyway.

When your gray finger made contact, it easily pierced through and the surface rippled outward from the point of impact, like a pebble falling into a pond. That was weird; a bubble’s walls were usually unyielding and required a decent amount of force to break through, in which case the punctured wall would instantly reshape itself back into its previous flawless state.

“Are we going into this one?” Sollux asked, snapping you out of your thoughts. You simply hummed thoughtfully and returned your gaze to the bubble, noting how it doesn’t return your reflection in that slightly distorted way normal dream bubbles do.

“Yeah,” you finally responded, “Let’s check this one out.” You were a little nervous, not for yourself particularly, but for Sollux. He wasn’t god tier like you were, and this bubble carried an ominous feeling.

A simple movement got both of you through threshold and before you could even take in the scenery, your nose started _burning_. 

“Oh! Oh _goodness_!” You hands flew to cover your nose as your eyes watered. Holy hell, the stench was unbelievable and you nearly retched. The smell smacked Sollux upside the head with equal force and he _gagged._

“Sweet Jegus, what the fuck is this!?”

After a moment of reorienting yourself and switching to breathing through your mouth, you recovered enough to actually see what was in this bubble. 

It was the Land of Tents and Mirth, or at least you thought it was; all of its characteristic big tops were distorted and the floating balls lazed aimlessly through the air, half deflated, like ghosts. You would know, because you’ve done that before at least once. A purple-ish gray mist obscured your vision, limiting it to just a few feet in front of you and making everything beyond that appear as a dark shadow.

Because this was a planet from your session, Gamzee’s planet, you knew this was a memory from one of your friends. A raspy honk in the distance somewhat confirmed that theory.

You and Sollux went deeper, past the deformed and decaying tents until you saw the tall silhouette of the dream bubble’s inhabitant. He stood slightly slouched with his hands shoved into the pockets of his polka-dotted pants. Judging by the way his wavy horns were angled, he was looking straight into the sky.

“Gamzee?” Sollux beat you to calling out to him. 

He snapped his head around and he looked _really dangerous_ for just a split second, but then his face fell into that easy going expression that was pleasantly familiar. It took you a moment to realize you were in a stance to react in case he attacked you, but you stood up straight when the threatening feeling subsided. 

“Hey, motherfuckers,” he greeted. “What all brings you up in this memory sphere?”

“Just… checking in,” you said, approaching him. “This bubble looked a bit off so I’m just trying to get a little insight.”

“That’s chill,” he said, nodding slowly and staring back up at the dark sky.

“What is he looking at?” Sollux asked, and you shrugged in response. The two of you looked upwards and saw nothing but dark clouds.

“I’m just getting my motherfuckin’ conversation on,” Gamzee said, not breaking his gaze away from the sky.

“With whom?” you asked. He looked down at you and gave you a lazy, toothy grin before pointing upwards. Baffled, you looked back up to the sky and _oh gosh what is that?_

Sollux shared the sentiment with a breathy “whoa” as the clouds above cleared away, revealing a mess of tentacles, beaks, and a plethora of other orifices and body parts amassed in what can no doubt be a horrorterror. This one took up a majority of the sky, and you were shocked that it was actually _inside_ a dream bubble. This has never happened before.

But just like the dream bubble the three of you now occupied, this horror terror was off. Despite how much of your field of vision it took up, it seemed relatively small. It rivaled the black king with Gl’bgolyb’s prototyping in size, but that’s not saying much after seeing the colossal monstrosities you’ve passed by on a regular basis in the ring. You tilted your head back and around, taking in its full form.

Ah, now it was clear.

This horrorterror must’ve had the misfortune of running into Jack during his killing spree in the Furthest Ring, or possibly getting caught in the crossfire in the battle against his equal. It survived, somehow, but from the looks of it, it’s fighting a losing battle. You assumed it once had numerous powerful tentacles budding off of its circumference. Now, there are more bleeding stumps than full appendages. Several of its beaks were shattered into uselessness, a foul liquid poured from its many toothed maws every time they try to open, and it looked like half its eyes were scabbed shut. To top it off, its dark skin looked burned in several areas, many of its wounds cauterized so no healing could occur. 

It was almost sad, really. 

At least you know why it smelled in this bubble; it’s festering flesh was already deteriorating as it slowly shriveled and lost body mass. Eventually, it will disappear into nothingness… unless it is consumed out of mercy and added to the mass of a larger, more powerful horrorterror. Feferi said that was an honorable way to go for the tentacle behemoths when you asked her about horroterrors dying. This was during one of your fits of “death girl fangirling,” Sollux calls it. You didn’t mind that name at all.

One could assume that this dream bubble was blown by the horrorterror inhabiting it. It looked strange and corrupted because of its dwindling strength, and possibly negative feelings it possessed due to its hopeless state. The questions that remained were why did it blow this dream bubble for Gamzee and why is it actually _in_ it? Did the purple blood antagonize the dying god in some way?

The very space around started to rumble as it filled with psychic energy. Gamzee stood unfazed; receiving the waves like one would receive a breeze in the face. Sollux, however, winced and brought a hand to his head.

“What’s it doing?” he asked. 

“Speaking with Gamzee, I’m guessing.” Only its recipient was able to hear its words, but others could feel it in such close proximity. The psychic waves had little effect on you besides a slight knocking to your head that you could easily will away, but it became clearer with each passing second that Sollux was becoming uncomfortable. The horrorterror seemed agitated, much to Gamzee’s subtle glee, and its psychic voice was increasing in intensity as was the angry movements of whatever tentacles it still possessed.

In any case, it may be time to leave; a dying horrorterror is still powerful in its own right, and with its lifespan coming to a close, so did its sanity. That made it pretty unpredictable. 

With a bit of focus, you enacted a small field of psionic energy around where Sollux was standing to damper the god’s psychic emissions. You needed to ask the tall purple blood something else before you left.

“Gamzee, for what reason are you talking to this thing?”

“Just trying to see if this tentacled brother would listen to some reasoning.”

“You’re not particularly well known for your reasoning,” Sollux added, earning a slight shrug from the highblood.

“NOPE,” he said loudly, “but just thought I’d motherfuckin’ try. HE’S ALL IMPOSING HIMSELF ON OTHERS WHO DONE NOTHING TO PROVOKE HIM. Brothers and sisters got other things to up and worry about without some motherfucker messing with their pans.”

“What did it do?” you asked him.

“THIS MOTHERFUCKER UP AND MUSTERED THE AUDACITY TO MESS WITH MY MOIRAIL,” he literally roared, his anger echoing throughout the dead circus. 

The horrorterror responded to his shout with a space shaking roar of its own from its largest mouth. The force of the mad cry nearly broke your concentration and cemented the fact that yes, this thing _was quite angry._ If that didn’t convince you, the way it was furiously swinging its tentacles and narrowed its large goo-incrusted eyes was more than enough indication.

“AA?”

“Sollux, we need to go,” you said with urgency. Your wings fluttered at unimaginable speed and you darted towards the edge of the bubble, grabbing Sollux’s hand as you flew past him. The environment started to warp and shake violently, alerting you to the bubble’s dwindling integrity.

You looked back and saw Gamzee spinning his clubs as if ready to fight. Was he really going against a horroterror? Either way, you weren’t worried for his safety; any damage he sustained would cause him to wake up, as would the destruction of the bubble.

You and Sollux exited the bubble and put some distance between you and the corrupted thing. When you both turned around, you caught a glimpse of the bubble shrinking in on itself before bursting outward in wave of energy that did nothing but buffet the two of you a bit.

There was nothing left except the dying horrorterror in its wake, and the thing slowly floated away, vanishing into the darkness.

“That was… really creepy,” Sollux finally said after his mind cleared.

“Yes, it was. It was also quite interesting!” you replied, smiling. The way he stared at you made you think you may have responded a bit too happily to a pretty dangerous situation.

“If you say so, but Gamzee said it was screwing with KK?”

“That’s what I figured, unless he’s changed moirails since the last time we’ve seen him.” That event was very unlikely. Who knew what that horrorterror could do in the time before it died off completely, and it made you a bit uneasy that it was actually messing with someone to the point of pissing off Gamzee. A pissed off Bard of Rage is arguably just as dangerous. It was time to do what you do, and gather a bit more information.

“Hey, do you fancy a visit to check in on our still living friends?” you finally asked Sollux.

“Sure, that sounds cool. Anything to get away from that creepy bleeding asshole.”

“Alright, let’s go!”


	10. Troll Reproduction for Assholes Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second installment of _Troll Reproduction for Assholes!_

**== > Flip to a relevant (or not so relevant) section. **

**Troll Reproduction Part 2: Section VII: That God Damned Hemospectrum**

As usual, where a troll is on the hemospectrum determines a lot of factors in troll reproduction (as it does everything else). This will be to the point because I hate talking about the hemospectrum; It gets tiresome after doing it in _pretty much every other god damn book I get published._

Firstly, a troll’s blood color determines how strong their biological urges are during their season. I’ll repeat for the dipshits and those assholes who thought it was smart to skip sections; the lower one is on the spectrum, the stronger they are. 

One exception, however, are the jade bloods. While they still have their seasons and still lay an average number of eggs in relation to their placement, they lack nearly all mating urges. This is no big loss given how rare the blood color is in the first place, but they have a very different role, not unlike their well-known role of tending to the mother grub. 

Jade bloods have a natural tendency to assist other trolls who are about to lay eggs. This is mostly due to a specific reaction to a pheromone given off by pregnant trolls that stimulates altruistic behavior in the already pretty altruistic blood caste. It is also believed that the sight of trolls’ colored horns during their term also triggers this behavior. Interestingly, while they can still experience the urges other blood castes exhibit during their season, the strength of their urges is seen to be inversely proportional to their reaction to the pheromone. The weaker the urges, the stronger the altruistic behavior the troll will exhibit. It should also be noted that as they age, a jade blood’s mating urges (if any in the first place) diminish while their reaction towards expecting trolls increase.

Secondly, placement on the spectrum will denote overall the length of a troll’s season. All trolls of the same gender in the same group will begin their season at the same time and peak during the same dark season (damn, I used same a lot), but higher blooded trolls begin to exit their cycles sooner than the lower bloods. To give a few examples, a violet blooded sea dweller’s season will end with their peaking dark season, but a brown blood will still remain in cycle for several weeks afterwards. It goes without saying that the window is much smaller for those high up on the hemospectrum, and the weaker urges usually make highblood clutches rather rare (not to mention the _other factor_ that will be discussed next).

Thirdly, the troll’s overall fertility is influenced by their bloodcaste. During their cycles, the troll’s spore sac will release egg cells into their genetichamber on a weekly basis. Unfertilized egg cells last only a week before dying, anyway. Lower blooded trolls release more egg cells per week than higher blooded ones, so a successful fertilization is easier and more common the lower you go. Rusts, browns, and yellows average five eggs but can easily lay up to six or seven. They also have the highest fertilization success rates. Greens (including those jade weirdoes) will average three to four. Bluebloods (ceruleans, indigos, and purples) and sea dwellers will usually average two eggs. Our Fuschia ruler would be lucky to even see one (they are really hard to impregnate).

Finally, the bloodcaste of both trolls involved in the clutch will have a large effect on what color the grubs will be. There is a high chance for them to be of either troll’s blood color, but lower bloods seem to be more dominant. This means a clutch between a rust and a purple will more often than not result in mostly rusts. However, this is considering the lack of emotional and other hormonal factors that result in blood color variations (will be explained in the more appropriate section).

There are a myriad of other things that one’s bloodcaste can influence, but those mentioned above are the major ones. Things like core temperature change during the third quarter are subject to differ between individuals as well as castes. Got it? Okay, good, next section, assholes!

Asshole Notes: If I get _any_ hoofbeast meat about the terms I used for the caste colors, _I swear to troll God I will find you and inflict upon your person something you should be giving hoofbeast meat about. I’M NOT TAKING THAT SHIT, OKAY???_

 

**== > Turn to “An Asshole’s Glossary”**

**genetichamber** : expandable organ where partner’s genetic material is stored, either until a proper bucket can be found or until eggs released by the spore sac are properly fertilized. Development of the spawn takes place here as well.

 **season** : the time during the sweep in which a troll exhibits mating urges when stimulated past a certain point and when impregnation is possible.

 **spore sac** : the organ connected to the genetichamber that creates egg cells that will be released during a troll’s season.

 

 **== >**

KANAYA: See What I Mean  
KANAYA: This Section Explains Very Little For Our Pertaining Situation  
KANAYA: Karkats Blood Color Is Not Once Mentioned  
ROSE: Understandably.   
ROSE: Though this raises a different curiosity.   
KANAYA: Oh  
ROSE: Are jade bloods truly more altruistic than other trolls?   
KANAYA: Honestly That Is Something I Cannot Tell You  
KANAYA: Due To The Rarity Of My Color And My Unusual Diurnal Lifestyle Ive Never Had Contact With Another Jade Blood  
ROSE: Do you think you would be so invested in Karkat’s condition if you were of a different blood caste?   
KANAYA: This Is A Very Odd Direction Of Questioning  
ROSE: Sorry, I understand if it strikes as a bit suspicious, but you know how my mind works.   
ROSE: I prefer to leave as few questions unanswered as possible, even if they are small ones of little consequence.   
KANAYA: Yes I Know  
KANAYA: I Dont Mind Your Aggressive Approach To The Unknown  
KANAYA: Its Quite   
KANAYA: Refreshing  
ROSE: Oh my.   
KANAYA: Back To Your Inquiry  
KANAYA: I Would Do Everything in My Power To Help My Friends  
KANAYA: I Feel That Would Not Change With My Blood Color Or Any Lack Of Biological Inclination  
ROSE: I see.   
KANAYA: Was That Response Unsatisfactory  
ROSE: Actually, it was exactly what I was expecting, and I mean that in the best way possible.   
KANAYA: Oh  
KANAYA: Then Im Glad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is probably a lot less interesting to read, but hey, he wanted to get through with this part because you can only talk about that god damned hemospectrum so many times while staying on the handle!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING FOR: Vomit, and the entertaining of a possibly disturbing headcanon**
> 
> ^^Nothing graphic, mind you, but better safe than sorry!

**== > John: Request Assistance**

ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

EB: kanaya!   
EB: are you busy?    
GA: Not Particularly   
GA: Do You Need Something   
EB: i do!    
EB: can you do me a solid and put this code in the alchemiter?    
EB: 13P0Le4d   
EB: i need you to make like twenty five of those, and then make fifty of this next code.    
EB: TYS4t3Zk   
EB: then i need you to bring them to me at that huge staircase at the end of the southern hall of the lab.    
GA: What Is It Exactly That You Are Having Me Alchemize   
EB: you’ll see!    
GA: John   
GA: Please Tell Me You Are Not Targeting Me For Some Nonsensical Ploy Of The Prankster Variety   
EB: no no no it’s nothing like that!    
EB: plus, the only target for my AMAZING pranks is dave at the moment, so everyone is pretty much safe.    
EB: for now ;)    
GA: Hm Very Well Then   
GA: I Shall Meet You There

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB]. 

You stood at the top of the large staircase, leaning on the handle of your hammer and whistling to yourself while staring down into the darkness. Just an hour ago, Karkat had wandered down into that same darkness with familiarity and without a trace of trepidation. You chalked that up to trolls and their great night vision (and the fact Karkat was just awesome like that). Karkat’s frequent use of this large staircase into the abyss was the reason for your waiting for Kanaya. You were feeling a little restless, so you put a little project into the works.

You breathed deeply, reveling in the slight breeze that mysteriously blew through a few select hallways of the labyrinthine clusterfuck of a laboratory. The telltale glow from around the bend slowly grew in intensity as the rainbow drinker made the turn. You knew she was on the way when you basically tripped over a treasure chest that randomly appeared in front of you, resulting in a not very pleasant face plant.

Kanaya’s fetch modus is so weird… and kind of inconvenient!

“John, is there a particular reason you had me alchemize a significantly large number of metal rods and a significantly larger number of sharp metal stakes? I’m sure you can understand why the latter has me a mite worried.” A small pile of cards instantly materialized into her hands. “Tell me, do I have justification to be worried about someone’s safety, various levels of prank immunity notwithstanding?”

“Nope! Well, at least not yet,” you replied cheerfully, winking at her and moving to stand upright.

“With that said, my apprehension has done everything but leave me,” she said flatly.

“Seriously, Kanaya, don’t worry! If anything, this would improve the safety of every passing laboratory pedestrian.”

You glanced over at what little you’ve done for your project. Honestly, you didn’t know what you were thinking bringing so few rods and stakes. You guess you needed to see if it would hold first? In any case, there was the start of a makeshift railing connected to the singular wall of the stair case. Most tended to only have one wall while the opposite side just dropped off into the abyss. It would’ve been kind of scary if flying wasn’t a thing for you.

“What is this, exactly?” the troll inquired.

“A handrail! Since Karkat is hell-bent on his usual meetings with Gamzee and since he always goes down this way, I think it would be a good idea to put some railing to make it a little safer once… you know.” You motioned your hand in a large outward curve in front of your stomach. Kanaya raised an eyebrow to the gesture, but it dawned on her soon enough. 

“Oh, I understand. Once Karkat becomes more encumbered it would be a good idea to have something for extra support while traversing such treacherous structures.”

“Yup!”

She moved over to the bit of railing that you’ve already installed. It was pretty simple; through sylladex shenanigans you combined a rod and a couple stakes together, then used your newly acquired, _obscene levels_ of mangrit to pound the sharp ends into the metallic wall with your hammer (hey, you have to use it for _something_ ). It was rather crude, bent in a few places due to a few near-misses and maybe a little crooked, but it held very well, as demonstrated by its complete inability to be moved when Kanaya pulled on it forcefully. As far as you knew, she wasn’t a pushover when it came to physical strength.

“A bit rough around the edges, but nicely done,” was her final verdict. “What made you decide to do this?”

“I don’t know. I guess I felt like I should do something productive? Sitting around didn’t seem like the right thing to be doing at the moment.”

“Being productive? That’s new.”

You made a sound like you were offended. “Hey, are you trying to say I’m not productive?” 

“Basically,” she chuckled, her shoulders bouncing just slightly. “Do you require any help? I have little to do as of now and could do with the distraction.”

You brightened. “Sure! I’d take any help you’re willing to offer.”

With a new shipment of materials and an extra pair of hands, you started to work on the homemade staircase railing. Hopefully, it would only take a fraction of the time it would have by yourself!

You and Kanaya eventually worked out a system where she would connect the materials before handing you the item to strike into the wall with a loud, ground shaking swing. The sound would echo for who-knows-how-far down the hallway. Whenever you took a break, she would go over all the newly inserted portions and test them for their stability. Very little was said beside the necessary communication pertaining to the job at hand, but it didn’t stay that way after you moved on to the next flight.

“To be perfectly honest,” Kanaya began, still combining items in her sylladex. “I was reluctant to allow Karkat to continue seeing his moirail.”

“Huh?” you responded inelegantly, dropping your hammer and wiping a bit of sweat from your brow.

“Even up to this point, despite all the times Karkat has returned unharmed, Gamzee still makes me nervous. That feeling has only intensified in light of recent circumstances. He’s too much of an unknown variable, and the fear that he would snap again and hurt someone is ever present.”

“But isn’t that the exact reason why Karkat goes to see him?” Quadrants were still pretty confusing to you, but the pale and flushed quadrants were the two you most easily grasped. Pale mates were extremely important for the stability of certain individuals.

“Yes, that is one of the reasons why I abstained from suggesting such a thing. It’s an outrageous request in all seriousness and it’s not really my place.” She sighed, looking a bit exasperated. “Additionally, it would simply come off as me indulging my meddling tendencies.”

You placed a hand to her shoulder. “I think that’s okay, though! I mean, it might’ve been meddling but at least you care, right?”

“I guess. It’s just that I do worry about Karkat. Maybe a bit more than I should. A lot can go wrong at any given time with his condition, and there’s the prominent possibility that something could happen while he’s in route to his pale meetings.”

You could understand that. With the chances of him having debilitating flare ups at any given time, you do worry for him. If something were to happen on his way to Gamzee or on his way back, no one would be the wiser.

Kanaya handed you another prepared section of rail and you took your hammer back up, striking it into place.

“I’m with you,” you said, gathering her attention. “If I had my way, I’d keep Karkat in my room or somewhere where I can always keep an eye on him, but you know him.”

“Unfortunately,” she said with a hint of frustration.

You chuckled. “Keeping him off the memos is a lot easier and less likely to bite us in the ass than keeping him from doing other things. He’s so stubborn!” 

“Indee-oh.” You took her a bit by surprised when you wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her to your side.

“Kanaya! It is up to us to make sure that he gets through this,” you said a bit too purposefully with a grandiose movement of your free hand. “Are you onboard?”

A smirk made its way across her face. “I think that goes without saying, and our performance in the memo a week prior was a testament to such an unspoken arrangement.” 

“By our powers combined, we are Karkat’s collective Lusus!”

She blinked. “I fear I’m missing some obscure human reference.”

“Haha, it’s okay. Also, I may or may not need your help staving off a particular troll, human, and chess guy trio.”

“Why does it feel like you are you recruiting me for something?”

“Because I kind of am!” you said, releasing her. “I’m feeling a bit outnumbered here.”

In just the past _week_ , Terezi, Dave, and the mayor had took it upon themselves to accost Karkat whenever you had your back turned. Hell, they even tried to sneak into your room while he slept! He was spending an awful lot of time sleeping now, whether or not he wanted to. At this point, you are extremely tempted to rip the bath tub out of the ground and place it in front of your room door whenever you had to leave (you think that is something you can do, now). That’d show them, but then you’d literally have Karkat trapped in case he had to go to the bathroom! That’s an earful ready to happen.

“Rest assured, I’ll prevent any and all attempts on Karkat if I can help it, but I’m inclined to ask if there is something else going on here.”

“What do you mean?” you asked.

“I’ve just become slightly aware of rising tensions between you and a specific individual on the meteor.”

You stopped to consider what she meant. Being around Terezi is always a little awkward for you due to specific events that occurred before your arrival which left you pretty sad for a good amount of time. You can understand her reasons for doing what she did and you eventually moved on, so nothing else besides the annoyance of her meddling with your boyfriend came to mind.

She must have been referring to Dave. 

Dave was just being his usual self. There was nothing really different from what you could parse. The only change was that he actually _returned_ your pranks, which has you a little more excited than usual! The two of you had a little prank war going on after the initial bucket-in-bed incident. Dave’s last move was a classic; the unscrewing of the salt shaker trick when you tried to season your grub troll food thing (you honestly don’t know _what_ you’re eating half the time, but it hasn’t killed you yet). He’s actually quite good at being a prankster and he’s a decent rival because of all the ninja bullshit he brings to the table. There is nothing more glorious than two best bros going at it in a war of the gambits!

He does have a bit of advantage on you because his attempts on Karkat alongside his partners in crime also steal a few ticks from your gambit, though they’ve all ultimately failed to gather whatever “information” Terezi was looking for. It mostly had to do with the fact that each attempt completely and utterly _infuriated_ Karkat and you end up the sole person on the receiving end of his tirades. You’ll have to remedy this and tip the balance in your favor again.

Kanaya shook her head. “It’s not too important. I’m probably reading into things a bit too much. Let’s just continue working.”

With a shrug, you dismissed it as easy as that and got back to the task at hand. Before long, the sound of footsteps came from the darkness beyond the rim of Kanaya’s glow as Karkat made his way towards you. He was slouching while looking miserable and tired.

He stopped and stared briefly at the rails before asking, “what the hell are _you_ two up to?”

“Safety project!” you exclaimed, tapping a finger on the rail. He walked up to it and placed a hand on it.

“Huh, okay,” he hummed. He had very little to say on the matter it seemed. 

“How are you feeling?” Kanaya asked and Karkat glared at her.

“Why must you entertain your newfound neurosis and ask me that every time we pass each other in the fucking hallway? But if you just _have_ to know, I feel absolutely, inconceivably shitty, just like the last time you asked me, and the time before that.” He grumbled something else you couldn’t understand under his breath and roughly rubbed his face. “I’m just going to rest… or something.” 

You and Kanaya shared a concerned glance, a more common occurrence as of late.

“Hey,” you began, reaching an arm out to him and placing it on the small of his back, “want me to fly you upstairs?“

He jerked away. “I don’t need-“ he started to yell, but he caught himself and brought it down a few levels. “I don’t feel like being touched right now, okay?” He almost sounded apologetic when he said that. You just wanted to scoop him up and kiss him until he felt better, but that’d just make him angrier.

“Oh…” You took a step back and gave him his space. “Okay then.”

He made his way up the staircase, one hand using your shitty (but effective) handrails to support himself, eventually disappearing into the darkness at the top.

“He’s looking frustrated,” Kanaya noted. “It’s quite possible he wasn’t able to find Gamzee.”

“Yeah, that’s probably what happened. He was like this last time Gamzee went missing in action, but less sick, obviously.” He’s also been feeling unbelievable nauseous as of late, and though it hasn’t gotten to where he’s puking up his meals, you’re fully expecting that to happen at some point. 

“Also, point for us!” you exclaimed.

“Excuse me?”

“He used the handrails,” you pointed out optimistically.

“Hm, that he did.”

You put away your hammer and dusted yourself off. There were quite a few rails littering the floor that were bent beyond use because you’re not particularly known for outstanding accuracy and impeccable precision. “I want to make sure he gets where he he’s going. Do you mind cleaning up?”

“Of course not,” she smiled softly.

You made your way after Karkat. He may not have felt touchy-feely at the moment, but you’re sure as hell going to make sure he doesn’t pass out in the middle of the hallway (he’s done that once so far, cue you and Kanaya freaking out over where he was for about half an hour). It’s only been a week, but it’s obvious that it’s only going to get worse from here on out.

 

**== > Things: Get Worse**

This was totally gross.

Grimacing and looking down at your sick-covered hoodie, you began the careful process of disrobing without spreading the stuff all over the place. After the soiled garment was off your person, you began searching through your sylladex for a clean shirt.

You cringed at the sound of Karkat’s retching from the bathroom.

“Oh, my god... it feels like my food has filed human divorce with my insides and is taking half its shit with it on its way out!” he yelled pathetically in between coughs. That comparison was both slightly entertaining and a little disturbing after considering its implications.

“You doing okay in there?” you asked, taking out one of your older shirts. It looked a little small, but it’s all you had at the moment.

“What do you fucking think?” You heard him retch again. “I’m… fucking _dying_!”

Poor Karkat.

You can’t say you didn’t expect this to happen, morning sickness being something pretty common in human pregnancy as far as you knew (though with trolls, you have no idea). You just wish you made it to the bathroom before he unleashed half his lunch upon your person.

Just a couple minutes prior (which felt a lot longer during the time), you were rambling about the exploding cake you sent yourself last week, trying to figure out _how the hell_ you made it blow up like that. It obviously wasn’t a regular bomb, because there was no fiery fury accompanying the explosion. It just sort of… splattered all over the place like a huge zit or something.

Whilst dictating your confusion, you were unaware of Karkat’s unease until he promptly told you to “shut the fuck up,” at which point you swiveled around in your computer chair and noticed the look of intense concentration on his face as he sat up in your bed.

“What’s wrong?” you asked.

“Just… shut up for a moment. My stomach is currently throwing the tantrum of the sweep right now.”

You watched carefully as Karkat kept his breathing steady. It wasn’t until a little later that you figured out that it was taking everything he had to keep his last meal down.

It was pretty much all in vain, though, as demonstrated by the bugging of his eyes and the positioning of his hands to keep anything from escaping from his mouth. You jumped into action.

By jumping into action, you mean fidgeted around frantically trying to find a proper receptacle because things were about to get _nasty_. 

You produced a gasp of glee when you found something in your sylladex that fit the bill perfectly.

“Here, here!” you ushered. His eyes bugged out even more at what you shoved in his direction and he knocked it away before throwing a dagger sharp glare at you. His mouth was clamped shut but he might as well have been screaming, “holy shit, John, _really!?_ ” It wasn’t until the _bucket_ hit the floor that you realized your fuck up.

Stupid, stupid, DUMB. Why is it that you never remember the goddamn bucket stigma!

Karkat lurched forward because _oh my god, code green_. Invoking your wind powers, you whizzed across the room, scooping him up and bee-lining for the bathroom, getting there in the nick of time.

Well, you _wished_ you did, anyway. 

You pulled the clean shirt down over your head and stretched the hem down as far is it would go. Damn, this really was kind of small. The sleeves and shoulder area felt painted on, the fabric hugging your maturing body, and the thing would ride upwards and expose your belly button every time you raised your arms. It was the shirt Vriska gave you the code for and was one of your favorites.

You let out a frustrated sigh. God tier outfits somehow grew with their wearers to comfortably fit at any given time, but they didn’t possess the ability to clean themselves. It’s so stupid!

You peeked into the bathroom and Karkat was still cradling the toilet bowl, sniffling and coughing as he waited for his stomach to stop convulsing and trying to rid itself of the contents it no longer held. Kneeling down at his side, you started rubbing slow circles on his back, hoping it would soothe him somehow.

“I fucking _hate_ you so much right now,” he murmured. 

You nearly gawked. “What did I-“ Oh wait, never mind. 

You just sighed and took it, flushing the toilet and reaching for a towel to help him clean up since the only suffering you’re going through at the moment is being covered in vomit. You carefully wiped the mess from his mouth with the towel and he took it to blow his nose. When you got back to your room, you urged him to raise his arms and pulled the dirtied sweater up over his head, balling it up with your own soiled hoodie so you could launder them later.

You rifled through your sylladex for a bottle of water which you promptly handed off to your boyfriend; he had to replace all the fluids he’s been losing at the very least. After Karkat twisted his self up in your sheets and curled into a miserable little ball to doze off (hopefully), you sat down at your computer and opened up Pesterchum.

CEB RIGHT NOW opened memo on board BUBBLE HOPPING METEOR BROS  
CEB: welp, karkat stomach is now devoid of anything resembling food. it was effectively vacated through his... what was it?   
CEB: right, protein chute… again.   
CEB: half of it landing on me this time.   
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] has responded to memo.  
CGA: Oh Dear  
CGA: Hes Sick Again  
CEB: yup :(   
CGA: Hes Not Going To Get The Proper Nutrition If He Ends Up Regurgitating Every Other Meal  
CEB: i know! but what can we do?   
CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] has responded to memo.  
CTT: At this point, Karkat has fully entered his second quarter. His body’s chemical composition has gone through a heavy transition and his sickness is a direct result of the hormonal shift.   
CTT: However, I think he’s vomiting a lot more than a troll normally should.   
CEB: it’s so great that you seem to memorize everything from the book, rose!   
CEB: you save me a lot of time and headache reading and deciphering alternian script.   
CGA: I Have To Agree That You Make An Excellent On The Fly Source Of Reference  
CTT: Neither of you can comprehend how enthused I am at your words of praise.   
CTT: I shall continue to do my utmost best at being your interactive version of Troll Reproduction for Assholes.   
CGA: Is It Possible That Karkat Is Having An Adverse Reaction To Something Hes Ingesting  
CGA: John What Did He Last Eat  
CEB: hell if i know, it was some weird thing with grub in its name.   
CEB: like everything else we have to eat!   
CTT: Are you implying that you’ve spent two years on the meteor not knowing what you’ve been eating?   
CEB: i've been afraid to ask! it’s not like it tastes bad or anything, maybe a little bland, but definitely not bad!   
CEB: oh wait!   
CEB: he did use grub sauce.   
CEB: there was definitely grub sauce.   
CGA: Could That Be The Thing That Is Making Him Sick  
CEB: actually, it might be because he’s been sick every time he’s used it.   
CEB: speaking of that particular condiment, i must know;   
CEB: what the hell IS grubsauce???   
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] has responded to memo.  
CGC: NO ON3 KNOWS WH4TS 1N 1T  
CGC: GRUBS4UC3 1S GRUBS4UC3  
CEB: thank you for the very informative response terezi!   
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] has responded to memo.   
CTG: so   
CTG: its like hotdogs  
CTG: probably a fuckton of random bugs grinded together into some indistinguishable slurry  
CGA: I Cant Say I Know What It Consists Of   
CGA: But It Has Been A Staple Condiment For As Long As Anybody Could Remember  
CGA: Not Unlike Your Human Ketchup  
CEB: except we kinda KNOW what’s in our human ketchup…  
CGA: Well Yes  
CGA: In Any Case Karkat Has Always Had An Affinity For Grubsauce But I Dont Know Why His Tolerance For It Would Suddenly Plummet  
CTT: I think now would be an excellent opportunity to bring up my qualm over the fact that it’s called grub sauce and the other fact, which may or may not have everything to do with the former, that troll infants are also referred to as grubs.   
CTT: It raises a few suspicions.   
CGA: I Find It Appropriate That I Should Remind You That A Large Majority of What We Have Has Grub In Its Name  
CTT: That may be true, but the condiment in question is the only thing that doesn’t have an explanation of its contents.   
CTT: You were able to tell me what was in everything else.   
CTG: whoa  
CTG: are there any infanticidal tendencies you trolls should be telling our father to be  
CTG: thats really fucked up  
CTG: keeping such a dark secret from us  
CTG: im appalled  
CTG: scandalized even  
CTG: egbert you better hide yo kids when they pop out  
CTG: id say hide yo wife too but preferably in a different place from yo kids  
CEB: aren’t you guys the least bit worried over the possiblility your race used pureed BABIES as a CONDIMENT?   
CGC: B4H!   
CGC: 1 H1GHLY DOUBT ON3 H4S 4NYTH1NG TO DO W1TH TH3 OTH3R  
CGA: The Notion Is Quite Preposterous  
CGA: But  
CGA: I Admit I Did Not Care For It Until After My Change Into A Rainbow Drinker  
CGA: There Was A Delicate Shift In My Tastes After My Pseudo Death  
CEB: …  
CTT: That statement did absolutely nothing for your argument, Kanaya  
CGA: Oh  
CGA: Now That I Reread It I See What You Mean  
CEB: how…  
CEB: can you guys not see this?? its right there in front of your eyes!   
CGC: 4 LOT OF GOOD TH4T DO3S FOR M3 >:D  
CEB: oh geez terezi, allow me to show you my face palms.   
CEB: i'll be sure to perform them loud enough for you to hear them and i'll leave a hand-shaped mark on my face so red you can smell it from wherever the hell you are on the meteor.   
CGC: >:0  
CGC: TH4T WOULD B3 LOV3LY!!   
CGC: PROC33D  
CEB: huuuuurr jk  
CEB: regardless of what it’s made of, i’m disposing of all the grubsauce on the meteor.   
CGA: That Is A Bit Drastic Dont You Think   
CEB: hmmmmmmmmmmm  
CEB: why would the vampire girl want to keep what could possibly be pureed troll babies in the fridge?   
CEB: human companions, let us voice our suspicions collectively.   
CTT: Hmmmmmmmmmmm  
CTG: hmmmmmmmmmmm  
CEB: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM  
CGA: Terezi I Do Believe I Am Being Tripled Teamed By Human Sounds Of Skepticism  
CGA: A Little Help  
CGC: >:[  
CGC: 1 TH1NK 1’M G3TT1NG 4 B1T SUSP1C1OUS MYS3LF  
CGA: I Have No Other Choice But To Concede Then  
CGA: Do What You Will John  
CEB: heheh i won’t seriously get rid of all of it in case you guys still want it. it's probably just bug juice (ew still gross), but i'll try to reason with karkat to see if he’ll lay off of it.   
CEB: hopefully he will stop barfing all over the place once he stops using the stuff.   
CTT: If you think the idea of bug juice is gross, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to resist revealing what you ate this morning.   
CEB: rose… no…  
CTT: Are you absolutely sure you don’t want to know?   
CEB: yes! i am 100% sure!   
CTG: come on john  
CTG: its pretty rude that you try to be selectively oblivious to what you eat  
CTG: you might insult the food or some shit  
CTG: but i guess oblivion isnt exactly new with you  
CEB: dave, you are ridiculous.   
CEB: it is food, it does not have feelings!   
CTG: bullshit  
CTG: the grubloaf is weeping despondent tears  
CTG: because you dont pay fucking attention and delegate yourself solely to the grub patties  
CTG: what about the grubloaf john THE GRUBLOAF  
CTG ceased responding to memo.  
CGC: >:o  
CEB: okay what is he going on about?   
CGA: Hm  
CTT: …  
CTT: I think I’m going to tell you what the food is anyway.   
CEB: oh my god…   
CTT: I should share that my eyebrows are performing quite the jig on my forehead.   
CTT: I suggest you prepare yourself for the greatest, bowel-turning revelation thus far.   
CEB: I THINK NOT!   
CEB: ADMIN POWERS GO! 

CEB closed memo

You seriously hoped Rose doesn’t make this a habit; your gambit simply cannot handle the shenanigans of both of your session’s Derse players. One of the them acting weird is enough at any given time.

 

**== > Karkat: Get better**

You fucking _wished_.

The following days after reluctantly agreeing to take grub sauce off of the menu, you just got sicker and sicker to the point anything you eat pretty much goes “ _nope,_ ” proceeds to make a u-turn, and exits out of the same orifice in which it entered. You weren’t able to keep anything down besides water, and you were feeling the effects in spades.

It’s been about two days since you’ve had anything tangible in your stomach. Any shit head can figure out that’s not good, especially for someone trying to have the gall to reproduce.

You could literally feel yourself wasting away. You had no energy. Moving was starting to become too taxing even during your lengthy reprieves from those fucking flare ups (oh god why are those even a thing). Hell, even standing was making you dizzy, so you just lay wherever you happened to be, whether it was on the couch in the computer lab or on John’s bed in his room, trying to ignore the agony from your stomach trying to eat itself. 

Even the headaches are back. They apparently occur when you’re not sleeping or eating enough, but who can sleep with _nothing_ to eat! The stomach pains made sleeping impossible. It’s a vicious cycle.

Fuck. Your. Life.

You groaned loudly, the sound bouncing around the empty computer room and drowning out the white noise your heightened senses were keen on picking up. During the week, you’ve gotten used to the little things that you were constantly hearing and your eyes adjusted to their new sensitivity, so things weren’t annoyingly bright and noisy anymore. Now, it felt so empty; just you and however many eggs you’re gestating in your lower half.

Speaking of which…

You turned over to your back and propped yourself on your elbows so you could stare intensely at your own belly. No matter how many times you ran it through your mind, it was still hard to believe there was actually something alive being created in there that was (assumedly) not some deadly parasite. It was… a really weird feeling you got whenever you thought about it. It was pretty horrifying, too, but more so weird and you couldn’t explain why. You expected yourself to be a lot more freaked out, or at least just as freaked out as you were when you found out you were teeming.

You rolled up your sweater to expose yourself to a more direct stare, your gaze intensifying as if looking at it hard enough would make whatever’s in there give you sign of life. You didn’t feel anything out of place in that area and if it wasn’t for how terrible you’ve been feeling, you would’ve never known of your condition. You would’ve just assumed you were eating too much cake. 

You tentatively reached out and poked your belly, retracting the finger quickly in case something jumped out and bit it.

Wow, that thought was scarily morbid… and really stupid.

That was something you’ve been doing almost every time you found yourself alone; just staring at and prodding your abdomen trying to figure what the hell is going on down there. You were constantly reminded that there was a huge book that outlined and explained it in excruciating detail. Of course, you didn’t read it; It eerily looked like something you would have written and you can’t stand listening to yourself, because past you is a total dumbass.

It’s his fault you ended up like this, that fucker.

Your stomach churned angrily at the constant fact that it was empty. Damn it, you were hungry and you could do nothing but gnaw on the sleeve of your sweater until someone found something you can eat without making your insides throw a fit.

Where was everyone anyway? You had almost gotten used to a specific duo checking in on you every five minutes, but now they’ve been kind of scarce (not that you minded, since you’d rather feel like shit alone). John had disappeared somewhere, intent on doing something. What it was you didn’t know. 

Kanaya performed her own disappearing act even earlier. You thought it was yesterday, maybe, after your latest bout of painful dry heaving and trying to evacuate your insides into the bowl of the load gaper. She was talking to John outside the block door, and you were able to stop crying and sniffling into the toilet long enough to hear what they were saying.

“This is getting out of hand,” she told your matesprit.

“Yeah, he’s vomiting up _everything_ we have to eat,” John replied. “All of the Alternian food is making him sick, and we don’t have anything from Earth to try besides Gushers.”

“I don’t understand why he wou-“ she paused, then grumbled angrily as if the answer to her question was the most obvious thing in the Furthest Ring.

“What is it?” John inquired in that clueless way of his.

“Everything,” Kanaya sighed. “It’s now plain to see that the empire has done absolutely everything in its power to prevent this type of reproduction. All of the food we have from Alternia is standard rations processed and delivered to our hives.”

“So your food is… _poisoned!?_ ” There was silence, which may or may not have indicated her nodding. Well isn’t that just fabulous; your society was trying cull you even _after_ the universe in which it resided in was blown to hell!

“It may not be toxic to us, but there could be the existing possibility that something that may be deadly to those who’s internal constitutions have been altered due to whatever stage of pregnancy they’ve entered.”

“Wow. That’s really fucked up!” John was sounding almost similarly outraged, but at the same time, noticeably worried.

“Yes. Make sure to keep Karkat hydrated, but don’t let him eat anything else,” she said with uncharacteristic seriousness. “It’d probably end up killing him.”

More silence.

After that, you didn’t really know what happened because your insides went through another fit of convulsing. Whatever the empire put into the food, your body wanted it _out._ After that conversation, Kanaya and her psychoanalytical girlfriend just vanished. It’s not like you had the energy to look for them, but they were nowhere to be found.

And where the _fuck_ was Gamzee?!

You haven’t seen nor heard from the asshole in over a week! The god damn load gaper has been a better moirail to you the last couple days, and would be continuing to prove its undying devotion if you hadn’t stopped eating altogether! And after you’ve complimented (however backhandedly) his last pale performance, no less.

But as angry as you were, you found yourself more worried over what he’s been up to, but you lacked any and all of the required energy to go looking for him.

So this evening, you lay there on the computer lab couch hoping your death would be swift by some miracle if it ever planned on coming, you then felt something rumble in the back of your brain sponge.

Son of a bitch, now _this_ asshole is back. At least, you _hoped_ it’s the same asshole, because having a second psychic asshole accosting you would just complete the whole asshole mindfuck party about to happen! 

You rolled to your side and curled in on yourself, wrapping your arms around your head. 

Why can’t you get a break?


	12. Chapter 12

**== > John: Alchemize**

Roughly scratching your head, you slumped over the alchemiter terminal in defeat. You just spent the last few hours trying to alchemize something edible from the Gushers you had on hand by isolating its basic ingredients (they’re made of so much shit, you figured you could get some fruit or something with the proper shenanigans), but that proved too difficult. You were initially reluctant to use them in the first place (ugh, Betty Crocker, you can’t trust her), but things were getting desperate. Anything from Alternia was a no go; no one knew exactly _what_ was in it that made Karkat spew his guts, so you couldn’t single it out through the alchemiter. 

Even the cakes you made were not suitable for his consumption. Although they were baked ~~rebelliously~~ lovingly from scratch, all of the ingredients were the Alternian counterparts of what you had on Earth: cluckbeast eggs, ground carbo grass (haha what), and something that you can’t remember the name of that is obviously some sort of margarine (or butter possibly). They’ve all been processed, or maybe genetically altered, you guessed, and pretty much make your artifacts of confection pure poison to your boyfriend, where they were once something you proudly watched him indulge in.

Seriously, how can a society _be_ so fucked up? 

You put away all of your cards because you were getting nowhere and getting pretty angry. All of that grist was wasted for naught, except maybe proving you were a shitty boyfriend who can’t feed his own boyfriend and _oh my god what are you going to do?!? Karkat can’t eat anything and if he can’t eat anything he is going to **starve!**_

_Holy shit, you can’t breath._

Before you were well into having a hyperventilating freak out, something drubbed you sharply in your back.

“Ow, what the hell?” you shouted, turning around fast enough to nearly throw the glasses from your face. Terezi was there with one hand on her hip and her trademark shark-toothed smile plastered across her face. What is there to smile about!?

“Are you quite done? I have chalk to alchemize,” she stated impatiently, which did nothing but aggravate you further. “The city’s deliciously red and green reserves are looking empty!”

What was her deal, being all calm, collected and well put together? She was acting as if everything was right as rain.

“I suppose you must be wondering,” she began, interrupting your thoughts, ”why I’m so calm, collected and well put together.”

How did she know that was what you were thinking? Her astuteness was baffling sometimes.

“You got that right! Everything is going horrible and Karkat can’t _eat_ and- oof!” Your impending ramble was cut short with another drubbing with the end of her cane, this time to your stomach. You bent over slightly and wrapper your arms around the point of impact. “Hey! Stop that!”

“Calm your human tits,” she commanded, still smiling widely, “Everything is going to be fine!”

“How can you be so sure?” To you, she just sounded overly optimistic.

“Seer of Mind!” she answered proudly, as if that was all that needed to be said.

“How does that even help?” You were obviously missing something.

She sighed and softened a bit. “Believe me, Karkat’s predicament has had me worried enough to see if there was anything we could do.”

“Is there?” you asked expectantly.

“Nope!” she exclaimed, all of her sharpness returning in that instant.

“Wow, I am a dumbass and my worries are totally unfounded,” you replied, slumping your shoulders in disappointment. 

“John, please, I shall request you to again calm your human tits and to refrain from spewing responses deluged in your human earth sarcasm so you can listen to what is coming out of my mouth.” She then chuckled and added in a more hushed tone while leaning in your general direction, “By the way, Rose is so much better at that!”

“Bluh…”

“Hehe, but seriously, I’ve gone through everything we _could’ve_ done and it all ends up with the same result! Karkat will be fine, even if you and I just sat on our collective asses and did absolutely nothing.”

“Huh… Okay.” You took a breath, trying to reign in your emotions by believing in her words. She was a seer after all. You were still unsure how he was going to be fine unless food he could eat suddenly appearified out of thin air. Terezi made an expectant gesture and you moved over to allow her access to the alchemiter.

“For what it’s worth, you’re a stand up matesprit,” she said as she punched things into the terminal. That caught you off guard, but the next part she said was more typical of her. “I expected you to be totally terrible at it at first!”

“Thanks, I guess? What are you doing, reading my mind?”

Terezi snickered. “My powers don’t work like that! It’s sort of obvious given your tendencies. You reek of guilt and it’s stinking up the place. Normally guilt is a wonderful smell! Yours, however, doesn’t much suit my fancy. It’s… misplaced and unnecessary, so it’s not nearly as satisfying.”

There’s a difference in how guilt smells? God, she’s weird.

“And right when Karkat recovers from this little bump,” she began, turning to you with a sly grin, “our little game is back on.”

You rolled your eyes. “Ugh, fine.” The trio laid off the shenanigans when Karkat was getting noticeably more ill, thankfully. It’s just a little disappointing it wasn’t going to be a more permanent thing.

There was a flash and a new box of chalk appeared on the platform. It was promptly snatched up and Terezi made her way out, getting in a final drub into your side as she passed you.

“ _Would you cut that out!?_ ” 

She laughed at your outburst and twirled her cane. “You make this real fun, John! Keep up the good work.”

You grumbled something to yourself as the door closed, nursing the sore spots she dealt to you. It occurred to you that maybe Rose would have insight into this as well. She was the other know-it-all seer on the meteor. She was a bit different due to her aspect, but a seer none the less. 

The only problem was that you didn’t know where she was.

 

**== > Kanaya: Spelunk**

You were unsure if the term “spelunk” was appropriate for what you and Rose were currently doing. It required a cave to spelunk and, while the meteor laboratory _does_ have caverns of sorts, that’s not where you were heading.

At least that’s what you thought, anyway. Your little excursion was proving to be not as little as you presumed it would be.

As far as you could remember, you’ve never been down this part of the lab. It was barely lit in most places, and near pitch black in others. Of course, your status as a rainbow drinker made that a nonissue. You were working on a hunch that there _may_ be something edible in the shared quarters of a couple of your late friends.

“Rose, I have to thank you again for accompanying me to the far reaches of the lab. I was unaware my friends set up their little corner so… deep.”

“My pleasure,” you heard her say from behind you, “I would never forgive myself if you ever got lost without something to snack on.”

“Companionship and a mobile meal. You are just the package deal, aren’t you?”

“Of course.”

“I doubt I would’ve gotten lost, and even if I did, there are several sleeping soldiers of Prospit and Derse to feast upon if things ever got so desperate.”

“But surely they aren’t your favorite.”

You slowed your pace so you were walking beside her. “Do _you_ know my favorite?” you asked her with eyebrows raised.

“I could guess,” the seer replied smugly.

Every so often, you thought about which one of your friends’ blood you preferred. Dave’s and Rose’s tasted very similar at first, but the aftertaste was vastly different, most likely due to differences in male and female human hormones. Terezi’s had a cool tang to it, but Karkat’s was slightly more favorable with its strangely high sweetness. Unfortunately, he can be a bit… dramatic whenever it comes to his blood so you’ve decided to not ask him for anymore offers related to vital body fluids after the first time (though you’re curious to how it tastes now after his drastic hormonal changes). 

John’s you haven’t had the opportunity to taste; he’s strangely averse to having his blood imbibed. The Mayor seems to share this aversion, though you doubt your teeth could pierce his carapace without expending unnecessary energy and effort.

“Please do,” you said. There was really no question to who quenched your thirst more often (and with the least hassle).

She tilted her head in your direction just so. “I would, but it would sound very arrogant and self-aggrandizing, despite the fact this particular grade of hemoglobin is simply the best there is.” That earned a light chuckle from you. Self aggrandizing, indeed. “Though I do wish I was just as certain of this particular journey’s success as I am of your taste in cruor.”

“Oh? You haven’t divined our chances from your ever growing proficiency in prognostics?”

“Sadly, no,” she sighed, frustrated, “My powers are a little temperamental with various subjects, this one included. All I have been bestowed with was the knowledge that I should be with you on this trek.”

“So dutiful obligation drove your decision?” you asked, raising a single brow this time.

She smirked, onto you game. “Partly. The other part was that I figured it would be an enjoyable experience.”

“That’s pleasant to hear.”

“But would it be so horrible to feel just the slightest bit obligated to accompany the intercultural equivalent of one’s girlfriend on a trip?”

Whoa, wait. 

“Girlfriend?” you repeated, with a small stutter. “Is that what I am now?”

“Unless you have an objection.”

Your mind started going blank as color began to fill your cheeks. You had no idea how to respond. You have so much admiration for Rose, and the feeling that this was the direction things were going between the two of you was always there, but to make things official… that was a big step!

Rose was just way too wonderful and you weren’t entirely sure you could handle this at the moment.

The next corner of the dark corridor turned into a hallway lined with computer operated doors. “Let’s check these,” you said as you located the terminal to each portal and tried to settle your nerves. Rose didn’t exhibit a single tell that gave away how she felt about your obvious dodge. You were _really_ hoping this particular subject could be put on hold until you returned from this quest for sustenance and had Karkat properly fed.

You and Rose opened each room systematically, inspecting their contents. Most didn’t contain anything besides the typical laboratory machinery and tubes containing genetically cloned soldiers for the battle between Prospit and Derse still floating in their perpetual stasis. That set of rooms was quickly looked through and you turned another corner, Rose close on your heels.

Around this bend was a large series of stairs leading deeper down in a seemingly endless, square-shaped spiral. You peered over the side, but couldn’t see the bottom or any of the flights past what your glow illuminated.

“Okay, it seems there are more flights to traverse,” you stated flatly. “I’m not looking forward to our return trip.”

“May I propose a quicker means of getting to the bottom?”

“Sure.”

Suddenly, before you could voice any sort of complaint, you were pulled close to her and off the side of the walkway. Terror welled up in you as the air and the flights of stairs you dreaded climbing quickly rushed past you in blurs, making your eyes sting. Then your descent was slowed drastically by Rose’s power of flight.

When you finally had your wits about you, you glared at her. “Have you gone mad?!”

“Possibly, but I _am_ cutting our travel time by a very large amount,” she said, smiling at you. However, you weren’t in the mood for her feminine wiles; you were still in the process of remembering how to breathe.

“I’d appreciate a little warning,” you said, wrapping an arm around her neck to get a better hold. She in turn tightened the arm she had around your waist. There was a bit too much adrenaline present for you to feel embarrassed at the moment, and your undead heart was still beating rapidly. 

“Noted,” she conceded, “that’d be beneficial to me as well, since you won’t be screaming in my ear next time we make our descent.”

“I was unprepared,” you said defensively, “And you know you deserved it.”

“While we’re floating down at a leisurely pace, why don’t we return to our previous topic of conversation?” she casually propositioned, still looking downward into the seemingly bottomless darkness.

Damn it.

It figured that she’d want to talk about this when there was no escape besides dropping to your doom, but you were a bit more mentally prepared this time.

“I’m not sure if becoming involved with a girl who pushes her romantic interests off laboratory equivalents of cliffs is a smart idea. That approach has been used before, with unsatisfactory results, I might add.”

Rose’s gaze quickly flicked from the abyss to yours. “Are you seriously comparing me to a specific someone that, if I recall correctly, you described as and I quote, ‘psychotic and out of her think pan’ after just this little stunt?” She was obviously a little offended, however hard she tried to hide it. “May I remind you that I _pulled_ you off _with_ me. The differences are so many; I could write a university level essay contrasting the two situations.”

“I wouldn’t doubt that,” you said, grinning.

“I’m contemplating dropping you to your doom now.”

“Too late, dear, I can see the ground. Surviving a fall such as this is perfectly feasible.”

“Damn.” She pulled you even closer and leaned in so your noses were barely apart. “This isn’t over,” she said, waggling her eyebrows deviously.

Oh Jegus, those eyebrows.

The aforementioned ground came into view shortly and your feet landed softly. Rose released your waist and you looked around, noticing the broken remains of a ceramic teapot on the floor.

“We’re getting close,” you told Rose. You took a moment to fix your mussed hair and smooth your outfit out, preparing to move forward.

Before you, there was one hallway, wide with a tall ceiling. This was another area where the very large creatures for the battle on Skaia were created. With the twelve prototyped lusii, they ended up very strange and horrible looking (and sometimes _really_ fucking hard to kill). Giant tubes of varying sizes rose from the floor, each one housing a soldier blended with the various lusus traits. It was a good thing they were sleeping.

“Kanaya.” You turned to your companion and saw her staring at a large tube that had been broken, its tenant nowhere to be seen. She shifted her weight to her other foot and placed one hand on her hip as you approached the empty receptacle. “What do you figure the odds of us running into whatever was in this unit are?”

Taking quick stock of the tube’s surroundings; Broken shards of the not-quite glass littered the area around it, and wires dangled haphazardly from wherever their remaining connections were, emitting the occasional spark. You noticed there wasn’t any liquid. It had dried up, so chances were that the thing was long gone from here, or was already slain by one of your other friends.

“Pretty low I’d fig-“

You were interrupted by a loud crash further down the hallway accompanied by an indescribable roar. You reached for your lipstick and kept your focus in the direction it came from.

“I’d have to humbly disagree for obvious reasons,” Rose stated, flourishing dual Quills of Echidna in each hand.

You revved up your chainsaw, because whatever the thing was, it was heading this way. 

 

**== > Karkat: Shrug off psychic saboteur.**

You could feel it. Whatever it was, it was watching you. Your head was constantly buzzing from the incoming psychic waves. It wasn’t enough to hurt, but it was terrifying. If your last mental encounter with this thing was any indication, you could piss it off at any given moment. It felt like a thousand eyes were watching you from every direction, the weight of their stares bearing down on you.

You curled into yourself tighter. Maybe this fucker will just disappear if you ignore it. It’s not doing anything, not talking to you like last time. Maybe it’s just some sick asshole who gets off watching you suffer. Yeah, that’s it, just let it get its fill so it can go off and do whatever the hell it does. There’s nothing to worry about, right?

Who were you kidding, you were _terrified_ and there was nothing you could do about the heavy presence floating all around you that may or may not possess the power to instantly liquefy the contents of your skull at any given moment.

The presence grew heavier, feeling like the walls were closing in. It started becoming difficult to breathe, even though your shaky breaths weren’t doing much to calm you anyway.

_Karkat._

“No, no, no,” you chanted pitifully to yourself. You weren’t going to listen to this thing. It tried to get you to gut yourself last time. Not this time, you would at least put up some resistance.

_Karkat_

“Go the fuck away!” you wanted to scream, but you couldn’t find the breath to do it. It probably knew you what you wanted to say, anyway.

“Karkat,” you heard again. This time was different, a bit head clearing, but you still tried to ignore it.

Then you’re shaking. Why were you shaking!? It was like somebody had you by your shoulders and was-

“Karkat, buddy, wake up!”

You gasp and your eyes snap open, pupils darting around to see that John had you by your shoulders, wearing a look of concern. He must’ve been shaking you out of your trance.

“Were you having a nightmare? You were tossing and turning in your sleep.” 

His voice seemed to push the presence away, so you focused on it.

“Are you alright?” he then asked.

“I’m… I’m okay,” you finally said when your mouth decided to work like it was supposed to. You swallowed heavily and wiped a sleeve across your eyes. “Just a nightmare.”

Nobody knew if nightmares were still possible, but everyone has episodes of fitful sleep every once in a while. John didn’t need to know that this wasn’t one; he might do something exceedingly stupid.

“What was it about?”

“Nothing,” you replied dismissively. “Don’t worry about it.” The brief glimpse of a frown when you answered betrayed his disappointment, but he didn’t press the subject. He pulled a small, steaming cup out of his sylladex and held it out to you, a fragrant aroma wafting from the liquid within it.

“I made you some tea, since Kanaya said she picked the herbs herself back on Alternia. No empirical tampering.” You took the cup and drank it slowly. It wasn’t too bad, but you were never much of a tea person. “It might be better than just having plain water in you.”

“Thanks.”

John gave you a nod and a smile. He started to stand up and leave, but you grabbed his sleeve.

“Uh, you need something else?” he asked.

“No, but… can you stay with me?”

“Oh, sure thing!” He seemed thrilled at your request. Flopping back down on the sofa, he snuggled up to you and made himself comfortable.

The intruder’s presence was even fainter now, but it seemed annoyed, assuming the sudden throbbing in your head indicated anything. It felt like it was trying to reestablish itself but something was blocking it. Did Gamzee’s chucklevoodoos have a lasting affect (which could explain why it was a bit more tactful this time), or was John’s presence affecting it? Maybe this thing’s powers are limited to a single individual in a given space?

In any case, you were glad for his company and kind of regretted being an ass (more than usual) as of late, sickness and starvation notwithstanding. You’ve been a bit short and a little distant with John, and he’s been great at giving you your space. He’s so much more than you deserved and you sometimes wondered how he puts up with you.

“John, tell me about that one movie a fell asleep watching the other day.”

“Little Monsters? But you said you thought the movie was stupid!”

“Tell me about it anyway!” you barked. “I only saw the first half before I conked out into a hormone induced sleep in the presence of the movie’s general terribleness. I’m surprised I didn’t just get up and leave when you first turned it on.”

“Hmmm, how suspicious,” he said, with a creeping grin. “I’m thinking there is some ulterior motive.”

“Yes, John, you’ve cleverly caught me in my exceptionally devious ploy to get you to create that mellifluous sound that is miraculously forged by the human equivalent of a squawk blister. Really, what ulterior motive could I _possibly_ conceive that would warrant my desire to hear that cacophony you have the audacity to call a voice?”

“What, you don’t like my voice?” he asked, pretending to sound wounded, but he leaned forward into your ear. “Even when I make it all low and sexy?” he then whispered, emulating what he thought was his sexy voice. 

You genuinely laughed, though your aching head stopped it short. “What the fuck ever. It’s not nearly as sexy as you think it is.”

You actually _were_ trying to get him to talk, because you were curious if the psychic niggling would be affected by his yammering. Also, it’s because you were starting to miss him. Just a little bit.

“You’re such a horrible liar! It’s just pitiful.” You gave him a questioning look, because the context of that final word was important in this human-troll thing you had going on. “And I mean that in your weird troll way,” John winked, proving that he knew full well what that look was asking.

That made you feel nice enough to smile, just for a quick second. Hopefully John would see it because you doubt he would for another long while… assuming you can figure out how to filter feed stagnant meteor air.

He poked the dimple in your cheek.

“Stop that,” you commanded flatly.

“Hehe, fiiiiiine.” The hand went from your face and took your free hand that wasn’t holding the tea, entwining his fingers with yours. It had been a while since you two have done that. “Okay, let’s see,” he said thoughtfully, clearing his throat. “Ah! Now I remember where you fell asleep. It was right before the best part.”

The next fifteen minutes were spent just listening to John describe the missed half of the movie while you finished your tea, sipping it at regular intervals and relishing the feeling of having something warm in your stomach. You weren’t paying a lot of attention to what he was saying; you were more focused on just the sound of his voice and his bubbly enthusiasm when recounted the events of the film. It was nice (sometimes). 

The intrusive presence soon dwindled away into nothingness, drowned out by John’s ongoing drivel, allowing you to sigh in relief and nuzzle into your matesprit’s shoulder. You never did get to hear about the ending because you were out like a light in no time flat. John would probably throw a fit when you wake up, but how can he be mad? You’re running on empty here! You considered yourself lucky the tea chased off the hunger pains for a moment long enough to _let_ you fall asleep in the first fucking place.

But before you drifted off completely, you could’ve sworn you heard him whisper, “we’ll figure out how to get through this,” as he rubbed gently between your discolored horns. 

You hoped he was right.

 

**== > John: Take a walk**

At some point, after realizing Karkat had fallen asleep during your epic retelling (how rude! Especially after he asked you for it), you followed suit and joined him in slumber. You guessed it was a good thing, since you haven’t been sleeping much since you’ve been slaving over the alchemiter for who knows how long.

As per usual, you found yourself in a dream bubble. You took a quick look around, getting your bearings, before you decided whether or not you wanted to stay put or wander around.

You didn’t recognize anything at the moment; you were currently in a thick jungle, the ground damp and muddy with melting frost, and it was quite warm. You tilted your head back and looked up, taking in what little bit of the dark sky you could see. It was surprisingly starry, and it made you wonder if those were actual stars and not just enchanted fireflies.

The decision was made; you were going to go on a little stroll.

Hopefully the air of this memory location would help you clear your mind and figure out _what to do._ You couldn’t stop thinking about the issues at hand and it was making your stomach hurt. You kept thinking that it was your own fault you’re in this mess.

But that wasn’t the way to think about things. Rose said it herself that you should focus on what’s to come instead of dwelling on the past. Now that you thought about it, she was rather calm about it, similarly to Terezi when she was giving you all of those painful drubbings. Why do seers know so much, but conveniently leave out all the important bits!? It’s so annoying! You don’t think you could take being a seer and dealing with such cagey powers. You were sure you would’ve been driven mad by this point, which was why you loved how the wind wasn’t vexing at all.

You leapt into the air above the trees, letting the air brush past you. It was such a great feeling, you got lost in it for just a second, before ultimately slowing down and landing on the edge of the dreamt up jungle. You sighed in frustration because you couldn’t even fly, something you found so relaxing, without the situation getting you down (in every sense of the word).

God, this was so fucking terrible, almost to the point where you felt like just falling to your knees and burying your face into the grass, but you opted to walking away from the jungle into an area of green rolling hills instead. The switch of scenery was rather abrupt, so this was an entirely different location, you figured. 

Oh look, a volcano.

That volcano was vaguely familiar. You put a hand to your chin and tried to remember where you’ve seen it before. You were sure there was a volcano somewhere, or maybe one was mentioned before? Dave’s planet didn’t have volcanoes, that you did know. Your memory was failing you, because you just couldn’t dig up the knowledge of where such a landmark existed.

Wait, what’s behind you!?

You turned around quickly, but didn’t see anything but those green hills and those weird little shrubs dotting the landscape. Huh, you could’ve sworn you felt something ominous peering over those mounds. It must’ve been nothing and was probably just in your head. It’s not like some devil beast was going to pounce on you out of nowhe-

_“Joooooohn!”_

“Buh!?”

Doof!

Something rammed into you, tumbling you over onto your back and pinning you down. The thing started squeezing the life out of you and you were starting to grow very afraid until you saw a white fluffy ear amidst dark hair.

“J…Jade?” you struggled to say with what limited lung capacity you still possessed. She was hugging you way too hard!

“It’s been so _long_ ,” she chirped happily. “What have you been up to!?”

“Breathing… was a thing… up til now…”

She giggled and released you from her iron grip so you were able to get air back into your lungs. When you both stood up, she took a step back and you were able to get a better look at her.

Wow! She looked so different! Well, not so much different as older, full-figured, and very pretty!

“Jade, you look great!” you complimented. She giggled again and struck a sexy pose to show off her new “assets.” She was still wearing her god tier clothes (black dress, hilarious black and white striped socks with the red slippers that you could swear she stole from Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz), but they were noticeably more filled out. She got tall, too! You only beat her in that department by a tiny bit. It was definitely in the genes.

“Why, thank you for noticing!” She then took a step forward and runs a finger across your chest. “you’ve done some growing as well, Mr. broad shoulders!”

You smiled, a little embarrassed. “Heheh, I guess.”

“How’ve you been doing? It’s been two years! I’m sure you’ve gotten into dozens of shenanigans with Dave and Rose on the meteor!”

She was bouncing on her heels, looking like she was fighting the urge to pounce on you again and lick your face (which you half expected her to do, being part dog and all). It would probably be a good idea to appease her before she loses to her canine urges!

“Gosh, Jade, I don’t even know where to start! Why don’t we fly around while we talk?”

“Sounds like a plan!”

She grabbed your wrist and you both took to the sky.

 

**== > John: Catch up with ecto-sister**

“Soooo have you gotten particularly close to anyone over the time we haven’t spoken?”

Wow, who saw this coming? You were hoping the conversation wouldn’t tread into these waters.

You guessed it was bound to happen eventually, since she’s already covered how everyone was doing on the battleship. Nanasprite spent all of her time baking and cooking. That was no surprise. Jaspersprite would harass both her and Davesprite every so often; chasing him around and antagonizing her to the point her dog instincts would make her chase the pink phantom. There were even a couple occasions where the three of them made this small chase train through every room of the boat. Them being pretty much ghosts and a crazy space bending dog girl made walls and obstacles nothing but hurdles all of them could run (or fly) right through.

Interestingly (and hilariously), the reason Jade was here was because her latest pursuit ended up with her slamming into a wall she forgot was there. “That cat was clever,” she had to reluctantly concede. “I’ll get him next time!”

Your exploits of male rough housing, reading troll romance novels, and listening in on Rose’s intelligent babble were less impressive, because Jade was also taking the time to explore ruins and structures scattered all over the four planets, solving puzzles and collecting information. Despite all of her _exciting adventures_ that rivaled the great Indiana Jones himself, she still took a lot of interest in what you had to say.

“Yeah, I have something going on,” you answered. It was a big something, really, and you tried to be as nonchalant as possible, but she squealed regardless. You felt this was going to be a repeat of your last encounter with your late father.

“I bet it’s Rose, isn’t it!” Yup, your hunch was correct.

You shook your head.

“Hmm, _really_ now?” She stopped flying to float in place and took on a thoughtful look. Her interest had been piqued and there will probably be no stopping her from prying further. “Is it one of the female trolls? Like Kanaya?”

You shook your head again, this time unable to keep yourself from smiling. You were totally going to throw her for a loop.

She gasped dramatically before floating next to you, leaning in so your faces were mere inches apart. “Is it _Dave_!?” She was so wide eyed and preemptively shocked, it was kind of funny! You were almost sad to disappoint her. Almost.

You drifted backwards a few inches to regain some personal space. “As much as I’d like to fill your hot yaoi fantasies, no it’s not him. We’re still just bros.”

“If that’s the case, then it only leaves-“

“Karkat,” you finished for her.

“No way.” Incredulous excellently described her face and tone.

“Yes way.”

“You guys are a…?”

“Yes, he is my boyfriend and I am his matesprit thing.”

“I don’t believe you,” she said, eyeing you suspiciously. “He hated you _so_ much!”

“Sounds about right!”

“How did you even _manage_ to get involved with him!? I’m surprised he hasn’t killed you once or twice!”

“Once you actually get to know him, you’d be surprised at how he really is! Under all of the asshole-ishness, he’s a pretty sensitive guy.”

“Hmm, that’s a lot of asshole-ishness to get under… and he has so many issues, I swear!”

“It took me over a year to get this far, so believe me when I tell you, _I know_! You simply cannot imagine how long it took me just to see him shirtless!”

Oh shit, you’ve said too much. You didn’t realize what you’ve done until you noticed Jade’s eyebrows slowly rising above the round rims of her glasses and up her forehead. 

“Oh no,” you murmured, watching Jade’s grin widen with devious intent as she sidled up to you.

“So what happened after that? Hmmmm?”

“Nope nope nope, I’m not going down this road!” Especially with asshole dream bubbles revealing your most intimate of moments to those who definitely should not be seeing them (which was everybody)! That’s not an outcome you were comfortable experiencing again, so you tried keeping all of those memories locked away.

“Come on, John!” she pleaded, her grin growing and her eyes slanting. “How about a bit of gossip bargaining?”

“Bargaining?”

“In exchange, I shall tell you about Davesprite’s ghost butt!”

“Oh hell! That does not sound like a fair trade at all!”

“It is _so_ a fair trade! I figured you’d like it, since Karkat butt seems to get you going!”

“Jade, I’m completely sure you’re smart enough to realize that Karkat butt and any incarnation of Dave butt are completely different butts to behold!”

“Jooooohn! Gossip with me. Your older sister commands it!” 

“You’re only older by a few months, and you forget that _I_ ectobiologized everyone in the first place. That has to count for something!”

“Firstly, ectobiologize is not a word. Secondly, now you’re being a butt who doesn’t want to share info on Karkat butt!”

You covered your ears and turned away from her in a grandiose act of aerial defiance. “I’m not listening la la la la,” you sang. 

She had no idea what she was asking for, considering how fascinating and different trolls were compared to humans (despite butts being more or less the same). Even if you were willing to share, you would spend a large amount of time describing all the neat things about trolls, and that would just be the intro to why you love Karkat like you do. 

This went on for more time than it really should have, Jade circling around you playfully and you chanting obnoxiously. Eventually, she became less and less entertained by your antics, but you failed to notice her growing irritation until she yanked a hand off your ear and yelled at you.

“John! Quit being a doofus for just one minute!” You blinked at her, confused at why she was so annoyed. Her white canine ears swiveled and she pointed downwards. “Someone is calling out to us. You, specifically!”

You looked down, squinting to focus in on the weird green hills and their little shrubs until you saw a speck of light.

Oh! You knew who that was and, now that you weren’t flying around and covering your ears ~~like a little kid~~ , you could hear that the figure emitting the light was, indeed, calling out to you.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING for blood** in this chapter! and gore maybe? Not too sure how that applies.

**== > John: Speak to individual calling out to you**

You and Jade quickly dropped to ground level, and she immediately leapt at Kanaya to pull her into a hug of equal strength to that of the embrace she gave you earlier.

“Kanaya! It’s so great to see you again!” She released her a bit more quickly than she did you.

“Likewise , Jade,” Kanya replied, smiling. “I did not initially recognize you with your change of attire. It looks nice on you.”

“Thanks!” She stepped back and eyed Kanaya up and down. “Wow, you’re glowing! What’s up with that?”

“Kanaya is a troll vampire now!” you pointed out.

“Oh!” She glanced at you then back to Kanaya, looking unsure. “Um, I’m not sure how to react to that. Is being a troll vampire a good thing?”

The troll shrugged. “It has its benefits.”

“In that case, congratulations!”

“Also, the correct term is Rainbow drinker,” Kanaya added.

“That name sounds much cooler!”

You chuckled inwardly. Personally, you thought the term “rainbow drinker” sounded kind of gay when you first heard it. It started making sense after thinking about it for a little over thirty seconds, but still!

“I hope I didn’t intrude on your reunion. It is to my understanding that you two share a familial relationship, similarly to Rose and Dave, though the two don’t really exhibit anything out of the ordinary besides platonic interactions, sometimes of an insincere persuasion. I still find a lot of your human mannerisms a bit confusing.”

“No, it’s fine, Kan,” you assured her.

“We were just talking about butts.” Jade’s casual statement made you throw your head back and make a frustrated sound.

Kanaya blinked. “Sounds like… an engaging topic.”

“There was no conversation about butts!” you told her, throwing your arms in the air.

“There _would_ have been if you didn’t want to be a stingy prude who keeps all the rump reports to himself! I’m more than glad to share my findings,” she said, crossing her arms in front of her and raising her brows at you.

“Rump reports?” Kanaya repeated, obviously unsure how she felt about this direction of conversation.

You gave your sister a skeptical stare. “How much could you possibly know about Davesprite’s ghost butt anyway? I don’t even know if you can consider what he has a butt!” 

“More than you probably think! Me and him were a thing for a little while, for your information.”

Whoa, back up.

“Whaaaat!?” you yelled in utter disbelief. This was an outrageous and totally unexpected development! “And you didn’t find that worth mentioning earlier? What happened?”

“I _was_ going to mention it, but I never got a chance to.” She then sighed and shook her head. “It’s a little… complicated.”

“Pardon me.” The two of you turned back to Kanaya. “I apologize for interrupting this exchange involving ectoplasmic posteriors, but I have a troubling predicament on my hands.” 

“What’s wrong?” you asked.

“I don’t remember falling asleep.” 

Jade gasped, her hands flying to her cheeks. “Oh no! Did you die!?”

“Truthfully, I’m not sure.”

That didn’t sound good. The laboratory was a really big complex, and you had no idea where she could be if she needed help!

“Isn’t Rose with you?” you inquired.

“Yes, and I’m worried for her safety.” She started massaging her temples, her brow furrowing in thought. The dream bubble shifted slightly as the ground the three of you were standing on started to change color and texture from the grassy green to a red tiled surface. The starry sky was gradually becoming replaced by a darkness that was so heavy, it would have felt claustrophobic if it weren’t for Kanaya’s glow. “The last situation I can clearly recall does not give me any consolation.”

You looked around, trying to figure out if this was a part of the lab you could recognize. It wasn’t. 

“Where did you guys go anyway? I haven’t seen you for a few hours.”

“We ventured further into the lab in the hopes of finding something edible.”

“Are you guys out of food?” Jade asked. She was also examining the surroundings curiously.

“Not… exactly,” you answered, tapping your fingertips together. It seemed like your small gesture tipped Kanaya off to the things you have yet to tell Jade.

“Karkat is suffering from an ailment that prevents him from being able to eat any food from our home world.”

“That’s terrible!” Jade gasped. She then proceeded to jab you in a tender spot in your side (courtesy of Ms. Pyrope’s drubbings). “John! Is _this_ why you were moping around all sad and stuff when I was stalking you!?”

“Well, uh, yeah,” you admitted sheepishly, rubbing the spot that got punched.

“Now why didn’t _you_ find this worth mentioning?” She turned your own query against you, except she looked more angry than annoyed. Damn your family and their tendency to pick up on when things are wrong. You were never this keen on others’ emotions, so the trait clearly skipped over you.

“I didn’t say anything because everyone is all like ‘bluh bluh don’t worry about it, John, my crazy seer powers say there’s nothing you can do anyway!’ Don’t you think I feel shitty enough that I can’t do anything to help my own _boyfriend_?” 

Shit. This is why you didn’t want to think about how _completely useless_ you were, because now you felt the tears pricking at your eyes and your teeth starting to hurt from clenching your jaw too hard. You relaxed your balled fists before slumping your shoulders and hanging your head.

“Rose and Terezi said everything would be fine, but I honestly don’t see how it could be, and I can do nothing but stand by and watch Karkat fucking starve!”

“Oh, John…” you heard your sister whisper before pulling you into a hug.

Kanaya immediately took your hand in both of hers. “Please, John, you have to be strong. I’m not entirely sure how this circumstance will resolve itself, but our sessions’ respective seers are the most reliable authority we currently possess. I have a strange feeling that my little attempt may have been in vain, but surely it will work out.”

Oh god dammit. Here you are having a breakdown when Kanaya is standing here not knowing whether or not she died in the last ten minutes. Unlike you, she doesn't have the comfort of knowing everything will "be all right."

You replaced your glasses after wiping away the moisture on your face. “Ugh, sorry guys.” You took a moment to fix your face and get all the sad stuff out of your system, Kanaya keeping your hand in hers until you more or less regained your composure. “So anyway, what were you and Rose looking for down there?”

“One of my friends used to hunt her own food so I’m hoping that she may have some stowed away in cards where she used to reside.”

“Did you find anything?” you asked, probably sounding a bit more hopeful than you should.

“No. Our quest was cut off by a monster that escaped from one of its pods.”

“Monster? What are you-“ A large white hoof stomped into existence right in front of you, and you fell backwards onto your butt. “Hopy shit, what is that!?” You looked up, following the pure white leg to the rest of the creature, and _seriously, what the fuck is that?_

You thought it was going to be a giant horse thing, similar to the creatures resembling the knight of a chess game. You had an idea what they looked like after coming across some of the deceased ones that littered Skaia (although they donned dumb clown attire).

This thing looked _nothing_ like that.

The head was equine in its initial structure, but it donned humungous horns that jutted out in opposite directions from the sides of its skull for several meters before curving into sharp points. The mustache at the end of its snout made it look totally ridiculous, but it was still overshadowed by all of its other intimidating features. After traveling down its muscled neck, you stared at the tangled mass of tentacles that made up its mane and covered pretty much its entire body all the way to its tail, which was long and curved upward into a tight little coil, similar to, uh, a pig? It looked segmented or something, so maybe a seahorse? You honestly had no idea.

The thing turned its head, aiming its eight (!!!!!!!!) glowing eyes at you before snorting so powerfully, you could feel its hot breath rustle your hair and lift your hood.

You prepared to jump into action in case the writhing clusterfuck of animal parts attacked, but Kanaya placed a hand on your shoulder and helped you to your (shaky) feet.

“My apologies, John. I was hoping the dream bubble would help me reenact the last few moments of my consciousness. I didn’t think it would spawn the beast so close to us.”

Oh right. Dream Bubble. Bluh…

“Oooooh, so cool!” Jade said under her breath, instantly enamored.

“This thing lives in the lab!?” you sputtered, pointing to the hard-shelled monstrosity.

“Of course. The lab is full of large creatures created for the battle on Skaia, still sleeping in their genetic tanks,” she said calmly, as if it was common knowledge and not at an unsettling thought at all. 

You’ve seen a few pods with little chess guys in them and even seen some larger ones, but you haven’t wandered too deep into the lab yourself (it’s too damned dark). There were really huge empty cylinders here and there, but it never occurred to you that there were still huge creatures still residing in some elsewhere!

You tried to say something else, but your mind was still reeling from the fact that there are _huge motherfucking monsters_ infesting where you’re living and god damn its huge and so ugly and creepy and why does it have so many tentacles!?

Jade, in complete contrast to your reaction, marveled at the creature, flying around and taking note of its every feature.

“John, you need not worry over these creatures. The main portion of the lab in which we enact our day to day is fortuitously cut off from them due to their inability to activate the small transportalizers.”

“Uh, okay,” you responded, a bit relieved, but still a little shaken by this revelation. “So this thing killed you?”

Kanaya looked up at the beast thoughtfully. “Hm, let me see…”

 

**== > Kanaya: Recount battle with tentacled monstrosity **

Crash!

The beast’s hoof stomped down on your previous position, in hopes of crushing you beneath its weight, but you were too quick. It seemed surprised when it realized you were now swinging your roaring chainsaw at one of its hind legs. Sparks flew from your weapon as the teeth grinded through the white carapace, but you were forced to jump back and dash a good distance away from the beast to regroup with Rose. You couldn’t do any notable damage because the creature’s reflex caused its leg to kick. It would have dealt a considerable blow to you if you hadn’t abandoned the attempt.

Rose shot twin rays of white light, covering your retreat by searing the couple tentacles that had the nerve to give pursuit.

“The monster’s exoskeleton is more formidable than I suspected,” you said, looking at the minor damage done to the leg you attempted to saw right off. “I barely left a gash.”

“Yes, this bastard is rather tough. Any ideas?” Rose asked, her attention still on the angry monster.

“My initial approach was to cripple it by removing one of its legs, but as you can see that proved easier said than done.”

The creature made an angry noise, some abominable mix between two different kinds of hoofbeasts and something that probably belonged underwater, before lowering its head. It was going to charge. You were about to point out its intentions but Rose cut you off.

“I see it,” she said, bracing herself. 

The creature rushed straight towards the two of you, swinging its head wildly in an attempt to gore you. You dashed to one side and Rose flew to the other. Once the creature realized you moved, it stopped and flung a mass of tentacles in your direction.

Spinning on the ball of your foot, you swung your chainsaw in a wide arc, slicing each one that came into reach. Fuchsia blood splattered around your feet, luckily missing your outfit. You weren’t all that hopeful that you would walk away from this battle with this dress in decent condition. 

Ribbons of white flew through the air, scaring away the darkness and briefly revealing Rose’s presence in the shadows, before making contact with the creature’s tentacled hide with bursts of radiance. You took mental note that the creature may have had a tough carapace, but its tentacles were still much softer and easier to remove. Getting rid of those would at least lessen the threat until you could figure out how to subdue it.

Rose’s attacks garnered most of the beast’s attention, and it stomped away from you into the darkness. You cursed your rainbow drinker’s glow for making it difficult to see through the pitch blackness, but rushed after the creature anyway. You wanted to be near the target so it was visible to Rose.

A blinding flash of light stunned you momentarily. Rose’s fraymotif repelled the beast’s charge and made it stumble backwards. You kept your distance as you observed the attack’s effect; the creature shook its head wildly, smoke billowing from its face and blinking red eyes that were once blue.

“I think I may have gained us an advantage,” Rose called out.

You yelled out her name in warning, prompting her to turn back to the monster and duck as a tentacle flailed outward in her direction. 

“Oh, I guess it is but a minor one,” she admitted, realizing sight may not have been its primary sensory method. Your weapon was so noisy, this wouldn’t be an advantage at all if its hearing was any good. Rose grounded herself right next to you. “Shall we try its legs again?”

“That may be our best method.”

 

**== > John: Interrupt**

“Now this just isn’t fair!” you blurted out, interrupting the retelling.

“John! Rude!” Jade chided, but you ignored her in favor of continuing to pout and leaning against the humungous leg of the monster Kanaya’s memory put together. It was rather tame in this incarnation compared to the wild beast described so far in Kanaya’s story.

“What’s not fair?” Kanaya asked, curious.

“You and Rose get to go off and have awesome lesbian adventures and don’t tell me! I could’ve helped with this monster thing, you know?”

“Lesbian adventures?” Jade repeated, her mouth making a surprised “o” shape.

The troll thought about it before admitting, “yes, it might’ve have been a good idea to have you along, but it was probably more beneficial if you stayed behind with Karkat, especially considering his moirail is nowhere to be found. Plus, we did not predict we would encounter such an obstacle anyway, despite Rose’s precognitive abilities.”

“I guess,” you mumbled. She kind of got you there. “I guess it just feels a little underwhelming knowing that my greatest accomplishment in the last two years was pranking myself with an exploding cake…” Technically, that hasn’t happened yet and you _still_ haven’t figured out how the hell you did it. “Fighting scary monsters would’ve been a nice change of pace after everything that’s been going on.”

“Really?” Kanya said, sounding slightly surprised. “I would think pailing Karkat would be considered quite the accomplishment.” You stiffened, completely horrified she just threw that out in front of Jade. “but I might just be assuming that such ‘activities’ carry similar weight in your culture, which may not be the case.”

“Hehe, what’s pailing? That sounds kinda hilarious,” Jade asked in between giggles. You shrugged, trying to look not at all suspicious when she looked in your direction for answers. She took a sidelong step so she was right beside you and elbowed you in the ribs. “And why is your face so red, dear brother?”

“Uh… no reason,” you lied. She obviously didn’t buy it. Kanaya seemed to have just realized her faux pas and performed a face palm. 

“Heeeey, why don’t we get back to that awesome story of lesbian badassery!? Huh?” Your attempt to steer the conversation couldn’t _be_ anymore desperate, but whatever!

“Of course, but I must inquire… what’s a lesbian?”

“Uh, I’ll tell you later.” Your eyes drifted to side and you caught Jade with raised eyebrows, intrigue written across her face once again and smiling a bucktoothed smile that seemed vaguely familiar. 

“Do I get to learn what pailing is, too?” Jade gave you her biggest puppy dog eyes, the angle of her ears accentuating the effect.

“ _Please_ , Kanaya, continue,” you urged her, doing everything you can to not give in to Jade’s attempts. 

She nodded and complied easily. “Alright, where was I? Oh, yes.”

“Aww!” Jade whined in defeat. “You’re such a butt!” 

You could only hope she forgets and the topic doesn’t come up again.

 

**== > Kanaya: Finish your story**

You and Rose settled on going for its legs again, more specifically, the one you’ve already started cutting into. The sound of your chainsaw alerted the blinded creature, but its attention will hopefully not be on you for long.

Rose initiated the first phase of your plan by rapidly firing off weak rays of light from her wands while you utilized your fastness attribute to its fullest and dashed to your target. The onslaught from the seer kept the creature dazed and relatively still as it braced itself against the burning blasts. You swung your weapon at the gash, and fortune smiled upon you as the carapace split open with a loud crack, allowing you to tear into soft flesh.

Your prediction about your dress’s condition after this was pretty much spot on; blood sprayed out of the grievous wound in copious amounts as you dug deeper, attempting to sever as much muscle and tendon as possible. 

You thought you hit bone after a while.

The monster lurched violently, the weight of its body too much for its wounded leg and you prepared to move and determine your next course of action.

Then there was a sound that made your body go rigid.

Your pan started burning. Everything was burning and suddenly your vision was becoming obscured with jade. Something rose in your throat and you coughed, more jade splattering in your hand. Rose cried out to you, but you could barely hear her over the noise. A sudden weight fell on you from above, and everything went black.

 

**== > Be ~~the butt~~ John again**

“And that concludes everything that I can recall,” Kanaya finished.

“Wow, you just starting bleeding out of nowhere?” you asked, curious. Jade was equally puzzled. Neither of you had any idea how someone could just start bleeding out of the blue like that.

“Yes. At the time I didn’t know what happened, but after going over the details of the encounter, I think I have a better grasp over what occurred.”

“I have a theory, too!” Jade piped in, “but only for the last part. The bleeding and paralysis thing still has me stumped.”

“That may be a positive thing because I can explain that event myself,” Kanaya began. “I think I was ‘glubbed.’”

“Glubbed?” you and Jade said in unison.

“One of the lusii that was prototyped bore a resemblance to the horrorterrors that reside in the Furthest Ring. It had the power to end my entire race at will simply with a psychic sound, which was likely the thing I heard before I passed out. The prototyping gave all monsters we faced varying levels of this ability. Simply put, the monster glubbed me.”

The thought that everything you fought had access to an instant kill technique was kind of frightening! In a setting like that, fucking around wasn’t something you could do without risking being KO’d at any given moment. You had to kill everything before they killed you. Granted, that still applied somewhat with your own monsters with teleporting devil beast bullshit and all.

Jade put a hand to her chin. “That’s a bit more complicated than what I was thinking.”

“What did you think?”

“I figured it just fell on you!” She seemed a little embarrassed by its simplicity, but it made plenty of sense based on what Kanaya told you about the situation. “Rose was keeping it at bay with her attacks and it was probably putting all of its weight on its hind legs. Once you hacked at one,” she paused and did a horizontal swiping motion with her hand, almost chopping you on the arm, “down it went!” 

The troll crossed her arms and thought about it. “That sounds plausible, considering I failed to move from under it after disabling its limb. If the glub didn’t kill me, there exists the possibility I was crushed under it.”

After that was discussed, everyone went silent and all eyes were nervously on Kanaya, seeing if her dream form (which had become more up to date with her story when her dress instantly became soiled by monster blood) would shift and reveal if she was truly dead. You rubbed your left arm, because it felt kind of itchy.

After a couple more agonizing moments, Kanaya asked, “How do my eyes look?”

“Still yellow and normal looking!” you replied.

Jade clapped her hands together. “Yes! So that means you’re not dead!”

“So it would seem. That’s a little consolation, I suppose, but the creature didn’t necessarily die when it descended. Rose could still be in combat and there’s no way for me to wake up.” She shook her head. “How frustrating.”

You suddenly had an idea! While Jade and Kanaya used their brains to figure out what to do, you used your own to conjure a dream pie in your hand.

“Hey, Kanaya!” She turned to you, completely unsuspecting and her guard totally down. Perfect.

“Yes?” 

_Splat!_

The confectionary abomination slammed into rainbow drinker face, and she flew backwards, her left slipper flipping into the air before she vanished completely. Haha, _yes!_

Jade stared, slack-jawed, at where Kanaya once was and slowly turned to you, her expression stone still.

“What the hell, John!?”

“What?” you shrugged, grinning. “She needed to get back to the meteor. Rose may have depended on her waking up.” That was a fact.

“Well, yeah, but… couldn’t you have woken her up with something a little less ridiculous?”

You shrugged again. In your defense, time was of the essence, and this was the first thing that came to mind! It was out of your hands now. Secretly, you were patting yourself on the back for such quick thinking _and_ for filling your gambit just a bit in the process. Your father would be so proud.

“I guess if there was no other way,” Jade conceded.

“Admit it, it was hilarious.”

“Okay, fine. It was kinda of funny,” she chuckled. “Her shoe went flying off and everything! I just hope Rose is okay.”

You were about to nod your agreement but Jade started glowing.

“Uh-oh! Looks like I’m waking up!” 

Oh no! You were hoping she would stay a little longer and keep you company so you could catch up more. There was no way to be sure you would ever see each other again before the official meet up almost a year from now.

“You-be-good-and-say-hi-to-Dave-and-Karkat-and-Rose-okay-byyyyye!” she said at a preposterously rapid pace, waving her hand at you before blinking out of existence. You barely understood a word of that.

Now you were alone with a giant alien chess piece thing until you yourself woke up. Luckily, the dream bubble shifted again, now placing you on what looked like the Skaian battlefield, so the lack of Kanaya doesn’t mean you get to stand around in complete darkness. You looked up at the creature, and it looked back down at you before galloping off into the distance.

“Well, fine,” you thought. You didn’t need the company of weird monsters anyway!

You sighed, scratching your arm again because that itch came back with a vengeance. What the hell is wrong with your arm? Your inspection found nothing noticeable on it besides the slightly reddened lines that your previous scratching caused, but holy shit now it’s starting to hurt.

It felt like something was _chewing_ on your arm! What the actual fuck was going on!?

There was one more massive jab of pain that would’ve made you scream if you didn’t vanish at that instant.

 

**== >**

“Augh fuck!” you yelled once you returned to a wakened state. You tried to move your arm, but something had it in its grip. When you turned to the culprit, you were alarmed to see Karkat _gnawing on your arm oh god!_

“Karkat, what are you doing!?” You attempted to pull your arm away again, but he held it tight with his hands and teeth. Upon closer inspection, it looked like he was still sleeping! He was trying to sleep-eat your arm!

He just would not relinquish your limb so you bonked him on the head just hard enough to wake him up and release you.

“Huh, what’s going on?” he demanded sleepily, looking around as if to catch the assailant that disturbed him. 

You allowed him to blink away his confusion and rub the spot where you hit him so you could take the opportunity to check the damage. Your forearm was covered in saliva and marks, but there were only a few deep ones. He must have started out just gnawing on it harmlessly until whatever he was dreaming about prompted him to chomp down. The skin was broken in only a few areas, but you were bleeding pretty badly where some of the canines were. Overall, nothing a little wrapping up or a Gusher or two wouldn’t fix. Thank god his teeth weren’t like Terezi’s!

“I had the best dream,” he said blearily, rubbing his eyes and making smacking noises with his mouth. “I was actually able to eat all of my favorite foods without the threat of them killing me. Ugh, if only that were actually happening. Now I have a weird taste in my mouth and-- whoa.” He stopped when he saw the condition of your arm. He took your wrist and pulled it closer, eyeing all of the marks and wounds. “Dude, what the fuck happened to your arm?”

Obviously, he didn’t recognize his own teeth marks. You really needed to get him something to eat…

 

**== > Kanaya: Reunite with Rose, and continue lesbian adventure (whatever that may entail)**

Something moist and strangely sweet smashed into your face and you instantly rose up to a sitting position, obviously back in the dark lab of the meteor. You cringed as pain flared up in your torso. When the creature fell on you, it may have broken something. Your healing factor was naturally high, so everything should be mended soon. Being a rainbow drinker had its benefits, after all. 

Wait, where was the creature anyway?

You turned around and noticed that the mass laying right next to you was its seared remains. Apparently, Rose had succeeded in defeating it, but where was she now? 

After confirming your legs were in excellent condition, you got to your feet, ignoring the pain from your remaining injuries and the throbbing in your head from the previous psychic attack, and walked around the corpse, using it for balance so you could get a look at it. Besides the countless burned tentacle stubs, there was the sawed leg oozing blood onto the tiled floor. Your chainsaw was lying on the floor next to the wound you used it to inflict, so you picked it up and put it away when it reverted back to its portable cosmetic form. The one wound you didn’t recognize was the gaping hole burned through its neck. That was clearly Rose’s kill shot.

“Welcome back.” You looked upward to see Rose floating over the corpse before dropping down next to you. “You gave me quite a scare. I was this close to thinking I had taken necessary vengeance on the hard-shelled asshole who sat on my vampiric love interest.”

“I trust it didn’t give you too much trouble after I checked out?” you asked, a little ashamed of your early leave from combat.

She shook her head. “Not at all. Luckily, after falling, it quickly tried to get back to its feet. I used that opportunity for a focused blast that was powerful enough to pierce its carapace and make it fall elsewhere. Good thing, too, because I poured everything I had in it.” She raised one of her wands and waved it, barely causing it to glow and spark uselessly. 

You raised your arms and stretched, audibly popping some bones back into place. Your healing factor never fails to disappoint, and this set of injuries wasn’t nearly as serious as a hole through your abdomen. “I guess we should continue, then,” you offered.

“It might not be necessary.”

“Oh?”

“While you were out and after seeing if there was anything I could do while you healed, I went a little further down the corridor and found what seemed to be the room we were looking for. It was filled with teapots and a large pile of scrapped robots.”

“Were you able to obtain anything?” you asked, hopefully.

She produced a small stack of cards from her sylladex and started rifling through it. “Yes, I found a wide assortment of teas oh-so-cleverly labeled with cat-punned flavors, a lot of colored paints, a gold mine of towels, some interesting balls of yarn that I plan on making use of later, and I’m guessing this is… a glass of milk?”

She handed you the card so you could examine it. “Lusus milk,” you said.

“Is that a viable source of nutrition?” Rose asked.

“It’s not something trolls normally consume, but it definitely possesses nutritional value. I can’t say I’m not disappointed, however. I had hopes we would come across some captchalogued meat. I doubt Karkat will be able to survive his term only on milk not specifically designed for a troll’s nutritional needs, let alone one that is pregnant.”

After returning the card to Rose, you let out a defeated sighed. This was very upsetting. Nothing on this hunk of rock had anything he could safely eat. He needed protein. If only there was- wait.

You turned to the slain monstrosity, inspecting it again and placing a hand on it. Despite its tough carapace, it was well muscled underneath and there were still some tentacles in decent condition. Perhaps your encounter with it was the ultimate reason for this venture?

“Boondollar for your thoughts?” Rose offered as she approached your side.

“I must request that you keep your distance, lest you want to find an excellent excuse to launder your god-tier outfit.”

Rose quickly caught on when you pulled out your lipstick, and she took the appropriate number of steps backwards to protect the integrity of her clothes. You started up your chainsaw and held it over the corpse. 

You had some carving to do.


	14. Chapter 14

**== > Kanaya: Return to upper part of lab**

Finally, you made it back. 

You trudged through the final hallway, splitting up with Rose at the intersection that led to the food preparation block. She said she was going to see what she could do with what you harvested, then immediately followed up with, “don’t expect much.”

Terezi passed you on the way to the transportalizer hub, and she had to give you a double take. That was understandable; you were covered almost completely in fuchsia and you probably had a bit of your own blood dried around your mouth and eyes. You were glad she decided to shrug and leave you be because you were just too fucking tired for any extraneous conversation. 

With its usual whoosh, the circular platform whisked you away to the center of the main computer lab where John and Karkat were. The heir was wrapping his forearm with a bandage and Karkat was sprawled out on his front on the couch, his face buried in the armrest opposite of John. You couldn’t tell if he was asleep or not.

John brightened when he saw you, seemingly unfazed by the blood covering your person. “You’re back!” It was obvious that he was dying to know whether or not you found anything. It was good to know you weren’t going to disappoint him.

“Yes. Rose is preparing something for Karkat in the preparation block.” At those words, Karkat’s head rose up.

“You have _food_?” he asked incredulously, sounding ravenous at the same time. You could tell the past couple days without eating have been pretty rough on him. He was looking exhausted and weak, and his skin was looking paler than usual. 

You nodded and he tried to stand a bit too quickly, almost falling over before steadying himself with the couch.

“Need any help?” John asked, sidling over to him just slightly. Karkat shook his head and made his way to the transportalizer. He didn’t seem to notice the condition of your clothes when he passed you.

Once he vanished, you stepped over to the couch and took his place, falling face first onto the cushion and just lying there to let your tiredness consume you. Undead physiology or not, this adventure has left you both physically and mentally exhausted. The sites of your healed injuries still ached and the lasting migraine from being glubbed decided to overstay its welcome. Thank troll Jegus Rose flew you up those huge flights of stairs. You simply could not imagine your fatigue if you actually had to walk.

John stood and watched you as you lay on the couch for a minute (you could feel his bespectacled gaze) before whispering in your ear. “Kanaya, please, you’re going to soil the couch.”

“Quite frankly, I lack the required amount of fucks to give, as it were, in order to properly care,” you replied flatly into the cushion, inciting a chuckle from the boy. “If the bloodstains prove too much for our cleaning abilities, I suggest we immolate the furniture and be done with it. I’ve honestly grown tired of it and it serves as nothing but an eyesore anyway.”

“Uhm, okay then.” John was clearly amused, but he soon took a more concerned tone. “Wow. That fight took a lot out of you. Vampire vitality isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, huh?”

“My physical faculties seem to be more inclined to feel pain and all types of associated agonies when paired with psionic attacks. Or something. I can’t think currently and that probably made no sense. To top off that list of discomforts is my constant self-berating at my inability to follow through with my own romantic pursuits and my deliberate avoidance of such a topic during our return trip that created tension so horrendously thick that my chainsaw would lose numerous teeth attempting to dissect it.” 

“Oh…”

Damn it, you didn’t mean to suddenly vent like that and unload everything on an unsuspecting John. He was caught completely unaware and was probably sorely confused. You weren’t even sure what you said was comprehendible, because you were still face down in couch cushion.

Suddenly, you sensed John move a bit closer and kneel down in front of the couch. “So I guess the lesbian portion of your adventure was unsuccessful?”

“Assuming lesbian means kiss the female who tore the neck out of a huge hoofbeast after thinking it crushed you to death, then no.” When you turned over to a more suitable sitting position, you noticed John leaning backwards in bewilderment, one skeptical eyebrow raised. “She did use an energy blast,” you added with a shrug and a smirk.

“That was my second guess,” he said, sounding somewhat relieved. “The image of Rose tearing out the monster’s neck with her hands was not a pretty one. Badass, I admit, but not pretty!”

“Seriously, how does one initiate an interspecies relationship? I feel a bit out of place, not being used to the one not playing the active part.”

“I think you’ll be okay. Rome wasn’t built in a day, so I guess… just do what you were doing! But really, you missed the greatest opportunity for a thank you smooch.”

 _Oh god, he was right._ Rose was genuinely worried for you and you could have shown the least bit of appreciation and indication of shared feelings but, no, Kanaya, let’s make things more awkward by being ridiculously avoidant just so you can hate yourself that much more. You also had no idea what a “Rome” was, but you assumed it was something that took a great amount of time to construct, so the analogy wasn’t lost to you (hopefully). 

Speaking of due gratitude.

“Oh, before I forget. I owe you some thanks for your timely solution to my waking problem. What kind of pie was it, by the way?”

“Don’t mention it! And it was lemon meringue. I hate lemon meringue so it makes excellent prankster ammunition. ” 

“Ah.”

“Now excuse me while I go and make sure Karkat hasn’t passed out on the way to the kitchen,” he said cheerily. He pat you softly on the shoulder before turning and heading towards the transportalizer, leaving you alone, covered in blood, and sweet Jegus you felt absolutely _filthy_. It was in your hair and everything, and you could feel it drying and crusting all over the place. You have _never_ been in more need of an ablution in the past two years than right now.

Yet, you couldn’t find it in you to move, so you just fell backwards onto the couch so you could continue mentally strangulating yourself from absconding like a prepubescent wiggler when Rose imposed the idea of moving further in whatever you two had going on. Talking to John was oddly reassuring, but really, relationships… how do they operate?

 

**== > Karkat: Enter food preparation block**

There was nothing you wanted to do more, but the notion of something you could eat was too good to be true… and your doubt might be justified when you saw smoke billowing out of the entrance to the kitchen and filling the hallway. 

You simply didn’t have the energy to do anything about it so you stared at it, leaning against the wall with the neck of your sweater pulled up over your nose. What the fuck was going on in there, and which one of those assholes was responsible? You bet it was the Mayor.

“Geez, where’s the fire?” Dave asked, ducking below the sheet of smoke hovering in the air. You simply shrugged before hearing a loud thump.

“Ow, god dammit!” Dave reached into the thickening veil and pulled out Terezi, who was angrily rubbing her face after apparently running into the wall, by her arm. “I can’t smell anything! Who’s burning shit!? Heinous acts of arson will not go by unpunished!”

“Best stay still unless you want to make out with the wall again,” Dave said with a chuckle. “How the hell did you run into the wall anyway with your cane?”

“Strider, you know damn well she just carries that ridiculous cane around to thwack people and be an overall nuisance and a merciless menace to the society that is the six of us,” you said. You heard a swoosh and a clack, followed by a pained yelp from Dave.

“Dude, what the fuck? That was my knee!”

“Huh? I thought I smelled Karkles being a smartass over there.” She sniffed before going into a short fit of coughing. “Where is he anyway?” She was giggling (albeit with some difficulty), obviously lacking any remorse for her mistake.

In the next second, a gust of wind sucked up all of the smoke and compressed it into a black whirling sphere roughly the size of your head in John’s hand.

“Okay, what’s with all the smoke?” John asked, coming up from behind. With another circular wave of his hand, any additional smoking creeping out from the kitchen immediately joined the rest in the sphere. “Oh, sup guys,” he greeted when he noticed Dave and Terezi, regarding the former with suspicion.

He had good reason, considering he’d pull some weird stunt to drain John’s retarded gambit at any given moment. Prankster wars are stupid and are a waste of time and energy that only dumb little wigglers who just discovered the basics of black romance (and John) ever participated in. Dave met the blatant suspicion with an expressionless nod.

Your matesprit lead the way into the kitchen, pulling any and all smoke out of the air as he went.

“Rose, what happened in here?” he asked when he cleared the air enough to reveal the seer at the stove.

“Just preparing some meat for Karkat,” she replied casually, as if nothing had happened.

“Oh my god, please tell me you didn’t burn it beyond recognition,” you groaned.

Rose fanned the air in front of her until John was able to properly suck away all the fumes. “No, your food is fine. I figured it’d be nice to have some tea after such a journey so I put some water on. However, I’m ashamed to admit that I forgot about the water while tending to the food and-”

“Aw hell, Rose, please tell me you nearly smoked us out trying to boil water,” Dave interrupted, sounding almost giddy at the prospect her explanation implied. “I’m begging you.”

You huffed and looked around the block, noticing some cloth smoldering on the counter. John was already maneuvering over there. He leaned over it and grimaced before captchaloguing it and eventually doing the same to the sphere of smoke he had created (how and why, you had no fucking clue). 

“As much as I’d love to give you a reason to “bag” on me for the rest of eternity for being completely inept at such a pedestrian task, I’m sorry to say that it wasn’t necessarily the pot of water that resulted in the fumes, but-“

“Dammit, Rose!” you snapped, “I was lured here on the premise that you found something edible and all I’m getting is bullshit about how you almost burned the lab down trying to make a cup of god damn tea. This conversation has taken me five steps closer to just jumping off side of the nearest stairwell, so spare me the details so can I just see what you guys have!”

All eyes were on you after your outburst, and, frankly, you didn’t give a shit. You were already weak and dizzy from hunger and oooh shit you think you’re going down because the walls started spinning and switched places with the ceiling.

“Hey, easy!” you heard John say when arms wrapped around you, keeping you from meeting the floor in the worst possible way. You tried to get your bearings back when he helped you to a chair. “Yeah, I think it’s time to actually give him the food now.”

Rose produced a dish out of her sylladex and slid it on the table in front of you. It was still hot from when she cooked it. You looked down at it and, despite your dizziness making it a little hard to focus, you were able to ask, “why… the hell is it _purple_?”

John, Dave, and Terezi all closed in on it to see for themselves. 

“Holy shit it _is_ purple,” Dave agreed.

“Fuchsia, actually,” Rose corrected. Terezi leaned in and gave it a long sniff. Her blank expression afterwards didn’t really tip you off to what she was thinking. John, however, just stared intensely at the cooked meat, as if the gears in his head were turning. If you didn’t know better, you would’ve almost thought he recognized what it was.

“Where did you find this?” you asked, turning to look at Rose.

“Let me respond with a question of my own. Do you _really_ want to know?”

“Ugh, no, not really.” You just dropped the question because goddammit, you were hungry and, despite it being purple, it didn’t look half bad. The blonde seer passed you the proper eating utensils and you tore a piece off of it to plop in your mouth.

Bluh!

It was _terrible_. Its texture was horrible and it was hard to chew. Rose was obviously the shittiest of cooks (if her almost starting a fire trying to make tea wasn’t any indication). The things you could list that tasted better than this were _numerous_ and you probably have socks that were more palatable. Your disgust must have been written on your face because John seemed a bit worried.

“Is it any good?” he asked.

You struggled a bit to swallow. “I think I prefer your arm…” you mumbled, cutting another piece of the meat and shooting him a sidelong glance. “Can I gnaw on it again?”

“How about _no_!” he quickly responded, holding his bandaged arm protectively away from you. Heh, it was worth a shot.

On the bright side, your stomach seemed to be accepting the crap you were pushing down your protein chute, despite how horribly it was prepared and how disgusting it was on your tongue. You ate the rest of it at a brisk pace (doing your best to keep the shit on your tongue for as little time as possible). Rose gave you a glass of lusus milk after a while, but you didn’t want to ingest that swill.

Wait, on second thought, it probably tasted better. You gave it a sip, testing it before taking a larger gulp. It got the taste out of your mouth, cleansing your pallet with a newer one that still wasn’t all that great.

After managing to finish the meat, you felt better now that there was something of substance in your stomach after so long, but the notion that this will be the _only_ thing you had to eat for however long you’ll be pregnant was not something that sat well with you.

Everyone seemed to be pleased with your general lack of vomiting and other forms of gastrointestinal convulsions (especially John, since it looked like he breathed for the first time since you started eating), so they started dispersing. Rose began cleaning the part of the kitchen she more or less ruined (lamenting something about a scarf under her breath) while Terezi and Dave went out into the hallway. John, getting that sly look that meant he was up to something, got up and strolled innocently out to join them, closing the door to the preparation block behind him.

“Dave! _Think fast!_ ”

“Wha-“ 

There was a low, rumbling boom and black, concentrated smoke seeped in under the door. Rose didn’t acknowledge the happening except with a knowing shake of her head and a short sigh as she finished wiping the stove and moved on to fixing her tea.

There was a collection of coughing before Dave shouted, “Egbert, _I swear to god_!”

“Your move, Strider!” your matesprit sang. So _that_ was what he captchalogued the sphere of smoke for. He laughed mirthfully, the sound disappearing down the hallway as, you guessed, he flew away in triumph.

“Dave… help! Can’t… _breathe…_ bluuuugh,” you heard Terezi wheeze out. She got caught in the crossfire, apparently. You almost felt sorry for her (almost being the key word).

“Chill out and quit being overdramatic,” you heard Dave say in between his own coughs.

She snickered, still choking and trying not to go into another hacking fit. “Oh right, because that is definitely your jurisdiction! But seriously, I’m blind in more ways than one here.”

“Whatever, let’s go before we both choke to death and so I can figure out how to get John back. This was downright underhanded.”

“Hehehe, I can’t wait to see what you come up with, Mr. Strider!”

“Hells yeah, going to put his sky blue butt back in its place. His gambit is going to be fucking _reeling_.”

Ugh, you need to remember to stay away from John now that it’s Dave’s turn in this nonsensical game of theirs. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t enjoy watching John prank Dave, but getting caught in between, just like Terezi did just now, wasn’t nearly as fun.

 

**== > Be the Mayor**

You are once again Can Town’s esteemed Mayor, and you are quite famished. Despite your steady diet of delicious green chalk, you still hunger for other foods of substance. Your companions have recently procured a fascinating purple meat from… actually, you have no idea where they found it.

But it is the _greatest thing you have ever eaten_.

Everyone else doesn’t seem to agree, however. Terezi finds it so-so, and prefers her red choices over the meat’s peculiar hue. The angry stubby one abhors it, but it is the only thing that he can eat without becoming ill. That’s quite unfortunate because if he had other options, you could have all of the strange purple meat to yourself (and Serenity if she so pleased, but she doesn’t have a taste for it). On the flipside, John, being the good fellow that he is, is willing to prepare some of it for you, but his troll partner gets priority.

Speaking of them, they happened to be in the kitchen when you entered, sitting at a table with portions of the wonderful foodstuff set in front of them.

“John, you really don’t have to eat it with me.”

“No, no, I said I will be the very best supportive boyfriend!” he argued with determination. 

“Dude, you could barely keep yourself from heaving up your insides the last time you ate it.” 

“Yeah, but… since this is the only thing you can eat, I will suffer with you. This is what good boyfriends do!”

Karkat sighed. “You humans sicken me with your overwhelming sappiness, even more so than this unknown purple, pardon me, _fuchsia_ , filth I’m forced to graze on for however long whatever _these_ ,” he gestured downward, “decide to freeload in my abdomen. How long do I have left, anyway?”

“You would know if you read the book,” John stated matter-of-factly. Karkat just scowled defiantly at him and the windy boy rolled his eyes. He brought up his fingers, mouthing numbers with his weird fleshy lips as he counted each finger he bent toward his palm. “You’re pretty much at the start of your second quarter sooooo… I guess one hundred days or so until you lay the eggs. I’m not Dave so I might be off by a-”

“Are you fucking serious!?” the stubby troll yelled, startling you just a bit. “It’s barely been five days and I’m already tired of eating this! Fuuuuuuuck!” His head dropped into his hand, and he pounded his frustration into the table with the side of his other fist, making the plates and silverware rattle around.

“But you need to eat it! I mean, it’s not like we have any other choice.”

“I know…” he replied in a quiet voice, sounding defeated. He sullenly slid the food around on the plate before stabbing it angrily and leaving the fork there, sticking up out of the meat. 

“I can try to cook it differently if you like,” John suggested.

“I really doubt there is anything you could possibly do with it to that will make it taste better without any sort of ingredients that will result in me retching up my vital organs.”

“We can try another body part. Kanaya pretty much butchered whatever this thing was so we have everything. I don’t think we tried the heart meat yet.”

“If it was anything like the liver, entrails, or every other organ we’ve tried, it’ll still taste like hoofbeast shit.”

John sighed, his shoulders slumping. “I really don’t know what to tell you then.”

“It’s just that… the stuff is filling me, but I don’t think it’s working or something,” Karkat began to explain. “I still feel like the backend of someone who can’t handle their extra spicy grubsauce and the only thing available to use as load gaper wiping planes is aluminum foil. I thought I could finally start feeling a little better now that I can eat, but clearly that isn’t the case. I’m just feeling normal shitty instead of ‘I’m going to fucking die’ shitty.”

John fiddled with the meat on his own plate, deep in thought. “Maybe it doesn’t have all the nutrients you need. You’ve been craving sweet stuff ever since the beginning, I’ve noticed, but you aren’t able to have any of that.”

The two of them were looking pretty down and hopeless. You wished there was something you could do, but it was beyond your power to fix everyone’s problems. A political figure can only do so much. John’s head went back up and it was as if he just noticed you standing there.

“Oh, hey, Mr. Mayor,” he greeted, forcing a smile. “Anything I can get for you?” Your eyes darted to the morsels in front of him and he quickly caught on. “You want some of this?” You nodded excitedly. “Alright, sure. I’ll whip you up a new plate since mine is kinda germy.”

He got up out of his chair and went over to the stove and refrigeration unit. You pointed to the portion that you wanted and he gladly pulled it out and started unwrapping it in preparation for cooking. You could already taste its wonderfulness on your tongue.

Losing yourself in your imagination, you tilted your head upwards, as if to peering into the little thought bubbles you were creating, filled with steaming portions of purple meat. Your chops were already salivating. Realistically, there were no thought bubbles floating above you, but you looked upward anyway, pretending as if such an abstract idea could _oh my god what is that thing falling toward you?_

 

**== > John: Turn around**

Conk!

The blunt sounding “thunk” behind you grabbed your attention and you quickly turned around to see the Mayor gesturing hysterically at something rolling across the floor. From the way he was holding his head and the earlier sound, it must have hit him and freaked him out. You looked down and saw that it was…

An apple? Where the hell did _this_ come from?

There was brief green flash before something smacked you on the back of your own head.

“Ow!” you yelped. You looked and saw that it was… a potato? Why was there vegetation popping out of nowhere?

You were examining the piece of fruit and its companion spud when something much larger appeared out of the same nothingness. A bag full of assorted foodstuffs fell at your feet, then another… and then another! Oh god, stuff is appearing out of thin air! _What’s going on!?_

You were well on your way to freaking the fuck out, but it all stopped eventually. The plastic bags piled up around you, and the poor Mayor was buried underneath it all. Karkat was still sitting at the table, and he blinked a few times before rubbing his eyes.

“Am I hallucinating or did a bunch of stuff just appearify out of fucking nowhere? Tell me now so I know whether or not losing my shit is justifiable thing to do at the moment.” 

“You are definitely not seeing things, unless eating the purple meat is fucking with all of us,” you said, still a little creeped out. The Mayor breached the surface of the large pile of food with a piece of paper on his face. You plucked it off of him and saw that it was a letter.

dear john,

when i got back i could not stop thinking about poor karkat being sick and unable to eat anything! there was no way i could sit and do nothing knowing my favorite fuckass wasnt well, so i gathered the help of the sprites and some others to collect some food from all of our houses and from around Skaia. i think i got all the important stuff, like fruits, veggies, dairy, and pretty much everything for a balanced diet. i also threw in some other goodies i bet some of you would like!

i really hope the food I sent helps karkat get better! also, i am so so so (times one hundred) sorry i woke up so abruptly. i hope we will run into each other again soon because it was so great to see and talk to you after all this time and there was so much more i wanted to tell you! a lot happened in these two years and i know you still wanted to know a bit more about what went on with us back on the ship. BUT!!!!! you are officially the first i can check off my list of contacts that i needed to, well, get in contact with! tell rose and your dave to go take a nap because i will be keeping an eye out for them!!! :D

<3  
jade

PS. give karkat a get well kiss for me! he will probably feel loads better. ;)

God. Dammit. Jade is simply the best there is and you are just about ready to _cry_ (but instead, you chose to shed a single manly tear, and no one will tell you did otherwise).

When you looked up, you noticed everyone was now in the kitchen and rifling through the bags, lured in by the sound of Karkat shouting at the Mayor to calm his hyperactive ass down so he wasn’t kicking and stepping on everything (everyone seemed to be drawn to noise now that things are pretty quiet nowadays). You knew Rose and Dave were especially ecstatic, even if their outward appearance said otherwise, as they found and located some of the things they enjoyed back before the whole apocalypse thing on Earth. Terezi dove straight into licking things that were aesthetically pleasing to her while Kanaya was eyeing boxes and receptacles with intrigue.

Some were wondering where this came from and you informed them that Jade sent it all. You looked down at the letter again and, oh, it looks like there is something on the back. You turned it over and saw…

PPS. you are still a butt, but you are the best butt! 

A hilariously insulting rendition of you as a butt!? Jade literally drew a picture of a butt with your glasses and teeth with one of Davesprite’s glowing SBHJ doodles touching your face-butt thing. Wow, okay. Jade’s such a silly goose.

You suddenly felt someone peering over your shoulder. “Whoa, that’s pretty spot on, don’t you think, John?” Dave said, smirking. Placing your palm on his chest, you lightly shoved him away and stuck your tongue out at him. The push, despite your intentions, still moved him halfway across the room. He didn’t acknowledge the miscalculated strength of your shove and just readjusted his shades. He began to turn away when his foot tapped against something rolling on the ground. He looked down and just froze.

You followed his gaze and saw a bottle of apple juice. Oh, now you understood. You looked back up at Dave over the rim of your glasses, and you could see him beginning to tremble. He bent down ever so slowly and picked it up like it was the fucking Holy Grail.

“Oh my god,” he mumbled. “This… this is the real deal.” His voiced cracked with emotion and, whoa, is he _crying_? He hugged the juice receptacle to his cheek and you swear you saw something shiny streak down beneath his shades. “I fucking _love_ Jade! She gave me motherfuckin’ AJ!” he shouted, garnering the attention of everyone in the room. “Oh man, it is like fuckin’ Christmas in here!”

He held it close to his chest and glanced around (as if checking to see if anyone noticed him nearly breaking down in tears) before darting off at incredible speed out into the hallway and in the direction of the alchemiter. You could properly guess the reason why.

After freeing your legs and tiptoeing over all of the newly acquired foodstuffs, you made your over to Karkat, who was sniffing around. He noticed the apple that you still haven’t let go of and snatched it out of your hand before taking a large bite out of it. He held the fruit in his mouth before diving into the nearest bag.

You figured it would be a good idea to start captchaloguing stuff and getting codes before people started eating everything. Luckily, Rose was already ahead of you, utilizing her sylladex for every item she came across. It occurred to you that Jade could have put everything onto a card before sending it over. It would’ve have been a bit easier to handle.

Suddenly, there was another green flash and a large stack of cards appeared in front of you, tied together with a big rubber band along with another note. 

omg!!!!!!!!!!

sorry for just dumping stuff on you!!! i should have put them in cards but i was not thinking! i bet i bruised all the fruit and smooshed the bread and just made a huge mess! oops! D:

ugh, i am so tired because i spent four fucking days trying to find you guys... i kinda got so caught up in trying to help by finding food and writing that other letter (which i wrote four days ago btw), that i forgot that you guys were who-knows-where in all of that big blackness. i tried a bazillion times to find you, starting over and over using the green sun as my only reference and starting point to no avail until i was just about to give up. davesprite threw my freaky Dutton Bubble Goggles at me and told me to use them AND THEY WORKED!!!!!! WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED?! NOT ME!!! i did not think the legendary piece of shit would be useful for anything!!

so they helped me locate you so i can send you all of that and i was just sooooo exhausted, then nanasprite came out with a whole bunch of cakes and recipe books and other stuff she cooked and collected for you. so i made sure i wasnt a doofus this time and captchalogued those before i sent them (your nana makes THE BEST lasagna!!!). there is also a lot of instant food in those cards because i was not entirely sure any of you know how to cook, and it did not occur to me during the first shipment…

whew, okay, i am done, now to nap for eternity. 

forever.

bye!! :D

<3 again  
jade

Poor Jade! Hopefully you do see her again to thank her for all of the trouble she went through. You folded the letters and stored them away. Looking around, everyone was still doing their thing (except Dave, who you knew was making a metric ton of apple juice at the alchemiter). Karkat was still going around, sampling everything here and there, because shit, he was pregnant and needed the right foods! It was mostly fruits and other sweeter items, you noticed, so your initial thoughts on what he was missing were probably true.

Oh, and before you forgot, you jumped over to where he was and placed your hands on his cheeks, turning his head so you could give him a big kiss on his lips, his mouth still full of whatever he was eating. There was probably a whole bunch of stuff he was chewing on so you didn’t recognize any of it from the taste.

“Huh?” he said inelegantly after swallowing and wiping a sleeve across his mouth, “what was that for?”

“Jade told me to give you kiss so you could feel better.”

“Oh.” He surprised you by grasping your shirt and pulling you back into a more proper one that lasted several seconds. “Give her that one back for me as thanks for all of the weird, delicious Earth food. Okay, now don’t kiss me anymore. I think I smell something nice over there in that corner, and, as enjoyable as knocking teeth with you is, it busies my mouth away from other things it should be doing.”

“Haha, okay,” you smiled. Karkat stuck what looked like a bread roll in his mouth and made his way over to whatever he sniffed out. You’ve yet to have a chance to look through everything, so you rubbed your hands together to see what goodies you could find. You really hoped Jade didn’t send too many Betty Crocker products.

After a while, everything was captchalogued, the kitchen didn’t look like a grocery store exploded in the middle of the room, and codes were in the process of being copied down. Everything felt a bit lighter after seeing Karkat full and genuinely content for a change. Things were finally starting to look up (regardless of the number of Betty Crocker products you found, because wow, there were an awful lot!).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm tempted to write a little extra something for this chapter (probably as a separate work) for those few people who enjoy a specific kink that I'm particularly fond of... if you browsed my other works and bookmarks, then you'll know which kink I'm talking about! ;)


	15. Chapter 15

**== > Rose: Dwell on events past**

You are now Rose Lalonde, and you just put the kettle on the stove so you could make your favorite tea, courtesy of Jade’s massive care package sent weeks prior. While you waited for that signaling whistle from the kitchen, you decided to go into the other room and do a bit of writing to clear your head. 

You pulled out the large book used for whatever information about the game your powers revealed to you and turned to a clean page, trying your best to ignore all of the horribly rendered genitalia that littered some areas. It seemed like there was more of them every time you open the thing! 

Damn it, Dave... You need to remember to captchalogue the book when you’re done instead of leaving it out for his subconscious yearning for male penis to run rampant.

It is not my intention for someone else to read this, but on the chance that happens, I’d like to state that this is a divergent entry from my prior writings in this tome that describe the otherwise confusing and often misleading nuances of the game that tend to fly far above the heads of those lacking the abilities of a seer. Rather, these are merely my own musings reflecting on recent events involving my companions during the final trimester of our trans-void flight. An update, if you will. This entry also serves the dual purpose of sorting the cluttered thoughts inhibiting my own game granted abilities and as an outlet for my frustrations. 

If you have the impression that the following will be filled with altercations involving chess themed monsters with gnashing mandibles, intense battle plans bordering on the epic stratagems of wars past, steamy same-sex themed adventures, or any combination of those, you will be sorely disappointed. These past happenings are more akin to the overwrought, angst filled, day to day of your average Canadian secondary school where all of the inescapable drama biding over the semester converges and comes to a head the night of the absurdly overhyped prom event.

I find my thoughts often clouded by the aforementioned frustrations, the subject of them being one Kanaya Maryam. It became increasingly obvious that we have some mutual feelings for one another as we grew closer over the past two years. However, I think I may have pushed a bit too hard and ended up frightening her away. Our time spent together is on the decline. I think she might be avoiding me at times, using justifiable reasons for being completely engrossed in her new self-imposed duties that may or may not be biologically inclined. My approach, after much reevaluation, requires more tact, perhaps more so now due to my previous misstep. I refuse to give up, for my longing for her brilliant bioluminescent affection rivals the apocalyptic explosion of our combined universes in intensity. I mean really, if John and Karkat can, metaphorically speaking, fall ass backwards into their current circumstances, I’m sure, with a little effort, I can remedy my own situation.

Speaking of our friendleaders, it is a great relief to everyone that Karkat has made a turn for the better after the introduction of a larger diversity of consumables. He seems to have moved past his period of everlasting suffering into a phase that more closely mirrors his usual, slightly turbulent routines before his and John’s post-coital consequences kicked in and enlightened us all to the well kept secrets of troll biology and the hidden conspiracies of the Alternian empire. If it weren’t for the reassurances granted by my own abilities, I would have been convinced that, due to our living conditions, lack of knowledge and other necessities, this would end terribly for all involved parties through either miscarriage or even the loss of Karkat himself. 

Nonetheless, I hold a few doubts that this pregnancy would conclude without complications. There exists the possibility that his clutch may not be viable due to being fertilized by a vastly different species. Mutations, sterility, and many other things come to mind, but I only know what my visions tell me, which, honestly, isn’t much when concerning things not directly related to the game. As far as I can tell, they don’t particularly give a damn about anyone who is not directly a player or some variation of an expendable cog in the machinations that drive the alpha timeline. How fickle. 

As such, I keep my mind open to the possibility there would be nothing wrong with this hybrid generation, especially since I would think Karkat’s immune system would have probably attacked them if there wasn’t some sort of compatibility in the first place. After all, we all were spawned from similar ectoplasmic slime imprinted with information gathered throughout time and space. Paradox space clearly engineers its own science. Despite my aforementioned doubts, I do hope for the best result so I may be spared the sight of Kanaya disappointed. I am not sure I could bare it after seeing her enthusiasm after learning of this new method of troll reproduction. It has caused her to shine even brighter than she was already.

Anyway, as our Karkat moves towards his third quarter, things are seemingly progressing smoothly. He’s been growing in a way that is to be expected of someone in his position, and I think we all agree that the extra sleep and improved diet have done wonders for him, though that may just be the sharp contrast to his previous condition when he was near starved. I’d go as far as to say that he possesses a distinctive glow, as strange as it is to say about a male and Karkat in general. 

One unforeseen consequence that I find intriguing is the change in John now that he and Karkat are expecting. He’s acquired an uncanny diligence that utterly foils his usual lack of focus that was often demonstrated when we first entered the game. While he generally wasn’t someone one would consider messy, he had his own degree of teenage disorganization which has all but vanished. He’s tidier. He has also taken up cooking, making use of all the recipe books, tools, and raw ingredients transported to us by Jade and his grandmother, and he has proven to be amazingly good at it. Of course, he started out somewhat shaky, but he clearly has a natural talent for the culinary arts, if his previous baking fits haven’t already divulged this. 

He constantly shows how much he values Karkat, and is doing his best to take excellent care of him during his term and to prepare for the arrival of their children. Truly admirable, but I can’t help but think that he keeps busy to combat his own anticipation and worries concerning the future.

Regardless, he still has his trademark love for practical japery. This will most likely persist indefinitely, transcending the parental threshold just like his father’s affinity for it did. The prankster war between him and Dave is escalating every day, each move becoming more grandiose and underhanded until one of them is caught in check and admits defeat or to some effect. I’m unsure how such a competition ends, and whether chess vernacular properly applies. Either way, John is enjoying it, as is Dave, but the heir is still completely oblivious to the entire purpose of Dave’s participation in this frivolity. I’m not even sure if Dave himself is completely aware of it. My brother no longer lets me come near him when I give the slightest clue that I want to pick his brain and perhaps have a sibling discourse pertaining to his emotions. That is fine, because I sense that he has another outlet for such “feelings jams.” It’s not like I am unable to gain invaluable knowledge from just watching.

I do not foresee any negative repercussions that will disrupt the integrity of the group, so I will leave the boys to that while I focus more on my own problems, slowly formulating each and every step of operation “seduce the bioluminescent vampire,” making sure I knit it together flawlessly so that its results are favorable in almost every conceivable way.

“Yo, Rose.”

“What is it, Dave?” you sighed, lamenting the loss of your train of thought. You turned to him in your seat and he pointed his thumb behind him in the direction of the kitchen. The ever present bottle of apple juice in his other hand didn’t escape your notice.

“Is that your kettle?”

“Yes, is it ready? I didn’t hear it whistle.” Looking back down at the book, you realized that you had written quite a bit and filled up a good number of pages. There was no telling how much time passes once that quill hits the parchment.

He took a swig of the juice before answering. “Uh, I’m not sure what went down in there but something went ablaze and John is pretty pissed.”

“Fuck.” You stood up and made your way to the kitchen to do some damage control.

A little over ten minutes later, you came back to your book with a cup in hand, your favorite tea steeping slowly but surely. You were not at all surprised to see a large crudely drawn penis on the upper left corner of a page. It occurred to you that Dave probably read everything you wrote, but there was an equally large chance he just drew the dick and went on his merry way. Either case was of little consequence and you should probably bring this bit of exposition to a close. You picked your quill back up and began writing again. 

As of writing this, John has me currently banned from the kitchen stove. I tried to assure him that it would not happen again, but he found it suitable to remind me that this was the third time I very nearly set the room on fire. I have been a little scatter brained as of late, so what could I do but concede? His tone whilst lecturing me was stern and embroidered with disappointment with an underlying layer of authority. I was quite unsure how I felt about it, but it seemed like something he may have inadvertently picked up from his own father and subconsciously mimicked. It was initially foreign to me, due to lacking such a figure during my own upbringing, but it’s effective to say the least. 

In closing, I feel it necessary to warn that he has made the laboratory kitchen his domain, and to enter it would be at one’s own peril. He is dead serious about the integrity of his newly acquired workplace.

 

**== > Be the pregnant one **

You gasped, startled by Gamzee’s half lidded and strangely serious visage mere inches in front of you when you cracked open your eyes. He didn’t react to your surprise except with a curious tilt of his head, and he looked like he was trying to see straight through your skull and into your pan. Unsettling was the word of the day. 

“Gamzee, what are you doing?”

The sides of his mouth curved upward slowly as he put on one of his usual weird smiles. “Just watching you get your snooze on. MAKING SURE YOUR DREAMS ARE NICE AND FUCKING SACCHARINE.”

“Damn it,” you muttered. “I dozed off again.” Your moirail simply nodded as he got up and sauntered to the other side of the block to fiddle with something. You utterly _despised_ how every time you get remotely comfortable, you risked randomly dozing off. Hell, you don’t even have to be comfortable; you just park your ass somewhere and then you’re out.

It’s so god damn _annoying_.

You shifted where you were lying, inciting a few honks from the awkward pile of horns and sinking deeper into it. You tried to get out of it, but you were in too deep and could only kick your legs and flail around futilely.

“Gamzee, help me out of this pile of shit,” you called out. He dropped what he was doing and extended a hand so he could hoist you to your feet. You ended up overbalancing and almost falling forward, Gamzee’s gangly arm extending to stop your descent.

“Careful now, best friend,” he said. It took you a minute to right yourself, because your center of gravity may or may not have shifted in the last hour. He returned to whatever the hell he was doing in the corner (it smelled like he was dealing with those disgusting potions again) as you stretched and tried to figure out how long you’ve been down here.

Looking around the small dark room, everything was pretty much in the same place it was when you conked out. Like all laboratory rooms, there were a few machines that didn’t function and all that other mechanical stuff. On one of the little consoles was the plate of half eaten earth pasta you brought with you. It irritated you to see it in that condition because you knew Gamzee hadn’t touched it. You were the one who ate the first half because you got hungry on the way down here.

You sighed in exasperation.

You tried to make sure he had something to eat because god knew what or how often he ate, and you thought maybe some of the delicious crud John whips up would be nice because Gamzee, despite his monstrous strength and stupidly high fastness attribute, was a wiry fuck who looked like he would get bowled over whenever the wind blew, but no, your offering goes untouched. Whatever.

“How long was I asleep?” you asked.

“NOT LONG AT FUCKING ALL,” Gamzee answered, still rummaging around with whatever junk he’s pulling in and out of his sylladex.

You watched him with suspicion because, being Gamzee, you knew he was prone to doing something weird. After his little disappearing act (which you were still pissed at him for, but could not muster the rage to properly express how due to weird pregnancy shit), you were worried that he might be getting into things. You hate when he doesn’t show up at your occasional meetings. It makes you nervous because you start to wonder whether or not his off killing someone. Being asleep several hundred times more often than you usually are doesn’t help your case either.

When he finally does show up, you were simultaneously relieved and angry, but mostly relieved. 

Things sort of went back to what they were before; you both having the usual meetings just to make sure everything was okay and to just hang out a little. Each one was in a different room that was planned out through a little beforehand trolling. Even then, you could sometimes guess where he was anyway. The only thing different since this whole fiasco started was that you sometimes woke up from your random snooze fests with him staring at you. You ask what he was doing, and he’d give an answer that was always different and but still just a little bit strange and equally whimsical.

_Thought you had a little something on your cheek, brother._

_Oh, I just up and zoned out._

_You’re just a motherfuckin’ miracle, OKAY?_

It was just another line of many that made it suspicious. You wondered if it had to do with whatever was heading those psychic assaults. There was no sign of the thing since before that moment with John (thank god), so maybe Gamzee stayed true to his word and “handled” it. Truthfully, as long as it wasn’t someone you knew and as long as it didn’t fuck shit up, you were fine with the likely way Gamzee would “handle” something. You really didn’t want to dwell on the thought too much, though.

You reconsidered Gamzee’s answer of “not long at all” and remembered that he wasn’t particularly known to recognize the passage of time as clearly as others, so it might be a good idea to check your portable electronic device just to be sure. You dug it out of your sylladex and oh, it looks like John tried to talk to you not too long ago. An additional beep alerted you to someone else trying to get your attention. 

Eh, it was Dave. You decided to ignore that nookstain until you finished with John. 

ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG].

EB: hey i'm getting ready to make something to eat, do you want anything in particular?   
CG: DON’T YOU USUALLY JUST PULL SOME RANDOM ABOMINATION OF VARYING DELICIOUSNESS OUT OF THE MYRIAD OF RECIPES AND COOKBOOKS JADE SENT?   
CG: I’D PROBABLY EAT IT REGARDLESS OF WHAT IT IS.   
EB: i just figured i'd ask because I finished my list of “things to make.”   
EB: is there a particular abomination that you prefer?   
CG: WAIT WAIT   
CG: WHAT ABOUT THOSE STARCHY NOODLES WITH THE RED SAUCE AND MEAT CLUSTERS?   
EB: spaghetti? sure i can make that happen :D    
CG: YEEEESSSSS   
EB: okay i'll pester you if you’re not back when its ready!

You were just about to pump your fist in excitement, but the continual alerts from Dave were starting to get annoying.

turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG].

TG: hey fertile myrtle i need you to pick something good  
TG: john wont take my requests so consider yourself my proxy for delicious john-brand cuisine  
TG: actually everything he makes is great so it doesnt really matter  
TG: no wait  
TG: except the meatloaf  
TG: i know youre totally down for that shit but dont ask for it  
TG: it sucks   
TG: all dry and loafy  
TG: whose idea was it to make meat in the shape of bread  
TG: need to make mental note to go back in time and file a complaint  
TG: hey meatloaf inventor dude STOP you dont know what youre doing  
TG: i know youre there I see john talking to you on his pda  
TG: awwww yeah  
TG: you asked for spaghetti hot damn  
TG: you deserve a fist bump when you get your gravid ass back up here   
CG: ARE WE DONE HERE?  
CG: I LOATHE TO THINK I’LL BE HERE FOR ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES WATCHING YOUR CRIMSON RAMBLINGS ABOUT HOW YOU DETEST EARTH MEATLOAF CLUTTER THE SCREEN OF MY PORTABLE ELECTRONIC DEVICE.   
TG: no no i still have business with you im just going down the list  
TG: order of procedures you know  
TG: just want to make sure youre not a monumental fatass and eat it all this time   
CG: JEGUS FUCK STRIDER I ALREADY APOLOGIZED FOR EATING ALL THE SAUCY NOODLES.   
CG: I WAS HUNGRY AND IT WAS FUCKING DELICIOUS AND I SORTA BLACKED OUT AFTER THE FIRST BITE.   
TG: excuses   
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO BRING THIS UP EVERY FUCKING TIME JOHN INDULGES HIS CULINARY EXPERTISE?   
TG: hell  
TG: yes  
TG: i dont think you fucking understand the magnificence that is ebgerts spaghetti   
CG: HAHAHAHA I DO KNOW, I ASSURE YOU.   
TG: yeah well no shit  
TG: they are literally the noodles of the gods  
TG: its sauce akin to the blood of the purest angels whose sole purpose was to be disemboweled and spread over pasta laid out in front of dirty street mutts  
TG: i just  
TG: i just want some gogdamned spaghetti this time okay  
TG: so dont be a selfish stubby prick

Oh _hell_ no. 

CG: SELFISH??  
CG: YOU CAN’T BE FUCKING SERIOUS.  
CG: THE SIMPLE ACT OF EATING HAS BEEN WARPED INTO SOME SICK NECESSITY WHERE I NO LONGER HAVE THE WILL TO RESIST MAKING A GLUTTON OF MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE TO SUSTAIN HOWEVER MANY OF JOHN’S PARASITIC SPAWN IN MY GUT.  
CG: THEN WE HAVE TO CONSIDER THAT I’M PREPPING THEM SO THEY CAN SURVIVE OUTSIDE OF ME FOR PERIGEES UNTIL THEY HATCH!  
CG: SO EXCUSE ME IF I’M COMING OFF AS A “MONUMENTAL FATASS” BECAUSE I’M DOING MY DAMNDEST TO MAKE SURE I DON’T SHRIVEL UP AT THE UNDERDEVELOPED GRUB HANDS OF THE FIRST GENERATION OF ALTERNIAN, NON-MOTHERGRUB SPAWNED TROLLS.   
TG: i am just saying  
TG: youre like the size of my pinky you do not need that much fucking food   
CG: AND FUCK YOU.  
CG: OH  
CG: OH WAIT I JUST HAD A SUDDEN STROKE OF PURE GENIUS.  
CG: I’LL HAVE JOHN MAKE HIS DRY EARTH MEATLOAF EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT WEEK  
CG: HOW ABOUT THAT SHITSTAIN?   
CG: THAT’D MAKE A NICE IMPRESSION ON YOUR FUCKWAD’S GAMBIT, WOULDN’T IT?   
TG: you twisted little asshole   
CG: THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO CRY ABOUT NOT GETTING WHATEVER DELICIOUS MEAL YOU WANTED, KINDLY LEAVE ME OUT OF IT.   
TG: aw sweetheart you know i cant do that  
TG: you know johns bright yellow panties get all twisted up when we mess with you  
TG: its like a tradition now  
TG: come on kids lets gather around the fireplace and plot out how to make karkles miserable  
TG: so we can see uncle johns glasses steam up  
TG: you know how it is   
CG: YUP I DEFINITELY KNOW HOW IT IS TO BE A TRULY OBNOXIOUS PILE OF IRRITATING FILTH BREAKING HIS GLOBES AT EVERY POSSIBLE MOMENT FOR ATTENTION.  
CG: WHY DON’T YOU CUT THE DUMB WIGGLER SHIT AND FILL A QUADRANT LIKE SOMEONE RESEMBLING YOUR AGE GROUP?   
TG: wtf i am not trying to deal with any of that quadrant jazz   
CG: HAHAHAHA BULLSHIT.  
CG: YOU ARE SO TRANSPARENT AND THE ONLY ONE YOU’RE FOOLING IS YOURSELF.  
CG: ONCE YOU FIGURE YOU WANT TO PURSUE SOMETHING THE RIGHT WAY, COME TALK TO ME.   
TG: if you start spewing about your crazy romance again im going to blow a gasket   
TG: im just on a magical quest to get my best bros human earth goat with an almost ironic prank war  
TG: what we are doing is not going anywhere near that troll bullshit nonsense

You couldn’t help but snort loudly at this blatant case of _denial_ , your amusement tugging at one side of your mouth. Gamzee peered over his shoulder at you, but quickly dismissed your noise as nothing and went back to whatever he was doing.

CG: WHOA, HOW INSENSITIVE!  
CG: IF YOU GO ON DEMONSTRATING HOW MUCH OF A WHINY TEATSUCKING BRAT YOU ARE I MAY HAVE TO GET SERIOUS.  
CG: DO I NEED TO BREAK OUT THE WIGGLER-BOTTOM DIAPER STUBS AHEAD OF TIME, DAVE?  
CG: I’M SURE YOU’LL BE MORE THAN WILLING TO ALLOW JOHN THE HONOR OF CHANGING YOUR SOILED POOP CATCHER.   
CG: HE WOULD APPRECIATE THE PRACTICE.   
TG: oh what  
TG: dude you do you even hear yourself thats just so wrong  
TG: everyone knows id save the primo diaper dumps especially for you  
TG: fragrant little gifts from asshole to asshole   
CG: BE ASSURED THAT YOUR BOTTOM WILL BE WIPED THOROUGHLY WITH SANDPAPER OR SOMETHING EQUALLY ABRASIVE AND WHATEVER I POWDER YOUR DELICATE BOTTOM WITH WILL BE FAR FROM SOOTHING.   
CG: THEN I WILL WRAP YOUR BURNING CROTCH SO TIGHTLY IN THE DIAPERSTUB, YOUR WEIRD EXTERNAL GENITALIA WILL BE SCREAMING FOR OXYGEN.   
TG: oh fuck

That response struck you as strange. The other window with the conversation with your boyfriend blinked and chimed. 

EB: what are you guys doing??  
EB: poop catcher?  
EB: primo diaper dumps?  
EB: i can’t stop laughing!   
CG: OH FUCK.

At that moment, you shared Dave’s sentiment and immediately face-palmed, your cheeks tingeing your blood color just slightly.

CG: YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE SEEN THAT.   
EB: but i'm sure glad i did!  
EB: dave’s all flustered and stuff and i have scored quite a few ticks in my favor.  
EB: but really guys, this is the best talk involving diapers i've ever read. :D  
EB: i am just imagining you and him yelling at each other, with poop related threats.  
EB: it is simply the best image.

You minimized the window again and brought Dave back up to the front.

CG: GODDAMMIT STRIDER…  
CG: HOW ARE YOU JUST GOING TO GO AND LET JOHN READ ALL OF THAT?  
CG: TALK ABOUT SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FOOT AND SPLATTERING SMELLY FOOT BLOOD ALL OVER ME.   
TG: shit dude i didnt plan on that he was just looking over my shoulder  
TG: the asshole is like a fucking fart ninja with that turning into air noise  
TG: i had to up my game just to keep up  
TG: you can never tell where he is now  
TG: for all i know he can be setting up camp in my lungs and making smores in my alveoli   
TG: gunking up the place until i die a marshmallowy death   
CG: YOUR LIFE IS JUST A CLUSTERFUCK OF HARDSHIP ISN’T IT?  
CG: LET ME PERFORM A TEAR JERKING REFRAIN ON THE UNIVERSE’S MOST MINISCULE STRINGBOX.    
TG: whatever im done  
TG: peace out and remember kiddies  
TG: sharing is caring

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG].

A roll of your eyes followed the reading of his final line and you closed down that conversation because it was just embarrassing (more so for him than you, fortunately). Finally done juggling windows, you brought John back up.

EB: thanks for the points, buddy! we should combine forces and totally come out on top.  
EB: go team vantasegbert! :D   
CG: I’D RATHER NOT, AS ENTICING AS THAT TEAM NAME SOUNDS.    
EB: fiiiiiiiine.  
EB: gotta make sure i don’t overcook the noodles this time, so catch you when you get back!   
CG: FOR THE RECORD, IF YOU WANT TO GET DAVE’S HUMAN GOAT, MAKE MORE MEATLOAF.   
EB: why?   
CG: HE HATES IT FOR SOME DUMB REASON.   
EB: hmm, okay… that’s weird but i think i can work with that.  
EB: nice work finding that out, cause now i will have ALL of his goats with operation “steal Dave’s goat with meatloaf!”   
CG: I LOOK FORWARD TO GAZING UPON YOUR VENERABLE COLLECTION OF DAVE’S BLEATBEASTS AS WE REFLECT ON HOW MUCH TIME WE’VE WASTED FUCKING AROUND WITH STINKY METAPHORICAL FARM ANIMALS.   
EB: sarcastic ass. B)   
CG: ME? SARCASTIC? NEVER. (:B   
EB: nice face.    
CG: SHUT UP AND GO MAKE MY SPAGHETTI. <3    
EB: hehe <3 

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG].

Stifling a chuckle, you put your device away. It was about time to start heading back so you turned and noticed your moirail must’ve had the same idea. Most of Gamzee’s things were put away or in the process of being put away and the horn pile soon vanished into the safety of whatever weird modus he used. 

“I’m going to start heading up,” you said loud enough for him to hear. 

“Do you all and need any help getting back?” he asked.

“No, I don’t,” you replied curtly. He’d always ask and your answer was always the same. His arms were suddenly around your chest and he’s pulling you tightly against him.

“YOU BE CHILL, BEST FRIEND,” he said into your hair.

You reached above and papped him on the cheek before he let you down. “Yeah, yeah. Now you don’t get into shit and start causing--” You turned mid-sentence and saw not a trace of him. ”problems…” 

He must’ve grown tired of you telling him that every time you parted ways. He’s been good so far so chances are he’s not getting into anything with anyone of relevance, thank god. 

 

**== > **

Okay, two questions quickly came to mind during your trek back.

Firstly, when did climbing stairs get so hard!? Secondly, did you really go down this many flights!? Holy shit!

To make things infinitely more fun, you felt your knees starting to ache; that was the beginnings of one of the flare ups you’ve come to know and love. At such a convenient time, too! You were currently situated in the middle of one of the largest stairways leading back up to the more livable part of the lab.

The ache quickly turned into a burning and you just had to stop, holding onto the makeshift rail John implemented. Who knew how long this episode was going to last; it could be for just a couple minutes, maybe even a handful of seconds, but there’s always the chance it’d last for several hours… several excruciating hours that make you wish you could sever your spine and paralyze yourself from the waist down.

You couldn’t stand to be on your feet anymore because not only was your lower body on fire, your feet were starting to ache from all the walking. They never did that before all of this bullshit. You carefully lowered yourself so you could sit on the steps until the flare up passed.

Being pregnant fucking _sucked._

You could not begin to go into the plethora of reasons why being pregnant made your existence completely unbearable, but you ran the list through your head just to have something to do to keep your mind off the pain.

After you were able to eat again, you quickly started growing in every which way besides the way you wanted to (which is upwards). All of your old pants are unwearable and most of your non-sweater shirts (of which you had very few of anyway) uncomfortably hug your growing stomach and barely cover it.

As one would expect, Kanaya took it upon herself to make you plenty of new clothes. You told her that you could just alchemize bigger versions of your usual outfits or just wear a pair of John’s stretchy sweatpants because you really couldn’t care less, but she insisted and you didn’t have the energy for a back and forth at that moment. You were already close to outgrowing what you’re wearing now judging by how your pants were biting into your waist. You couldn’t wear them as high as you liked either, forced to situate them just below the curve of your rounding stomach. 

Fortunately, she had stuff ready to replace them. She must have been spending more time making unnecessarily stylish clothes than she usually did. You wouldn’t know for sure, however, unless you asked. You don’t know what everyone’s up to more than half the time.

You often lament (read: rant) about how your daily schedule has been commandeered by your body’s current needs. You’re either eating or sleeping, occasionally dodging Terezi and her posse during your limited waking hours, or spending time with John or sometimes Kanaya so they can meet their daily quota of mother cluckbeasting (or some other made up word for being a pain in your ass).

Placing a hand on your knee, you tried to rub away the pain as it started radiating up to your crotch and down to your ankles. It didn’t really help, but it felt like this episode was going to be short-lived. You were glad for that because it meant your return wouldn’t be delayed long enough for John or Kanaya (or both of them) to start worrying where you were.

“Bluh bluh Karkat you should have told me to come get you,” John would nag. Then they would tag team you over your lack of inclination to ask to be carried all over the fucking place. “Damn it,” you would say, “I have my own two legs and they worked just fine, thank you very much!”

Well, at least normally when they’re not being harassed by stupid hormones.

On another positive note, the sensitivity of your horns lessened so they can be touched without sending debilitating shocks through your skull, though they are still more sensitive than when they were their normal color. You still can’t help cringing every time you look in the mirror at their ghastly sight.

Who’s bright idea was this, turning your horns to showcase your blood color? What purpose is it supposed to serve? There is no good, conceivable reason why this would be remotely beneficial. If anything, it’s just plastering a couple “HEY EVERYBODY, I’M TEEMING, CULL ME NOW” signs on top of your head!

Fuck evolution. Or the lack thereof.

Now your horns were buzzing. They never did that before, so needless to say you were a little startled. The unfamiliar sensation grew in intensity until it felt like your whole head was vibrating, but it started dimming to nothingness when you heard something touch down a few steps above you.

“Whoa, KK.” A familiar voice gasped. “You got fat.”

Shit! You totally forgot all about this guy’s impending arrival. This was definitely not what you needed right now…


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a bit of trouble determining how I was going to organize this next part, because on the kink meme, I have another _Troll Reproduction for Assholes_ smack in the middle (and rather early), so the timing of the conversation following it was a little off. But it might not matter in the long run... I don't know, I'm rambling so enjoy your read! :D

**== > Karkat: Greet asshole best friend**

“Meteor life has been kind to you, I see,” Sollux added snidely.

“You come up with the most mind numbingly _rude_ ways to greet somebody after not seeing them for a sweep,” you responded.

“Do I get an award?” He smirked, which looked foreign to you because you never got used to seeing him with a whole new color scheme for his eyes and the lack of teeth that helped him butcher any language he had the gall to speak. 

“Hell, no. If anything I should give you a hard kick to the crotch!” He raised the brow over his dead eye in subtle surprise at your envenomed response, and you suddenly remembered that there’s a good chance that he hasn’t actually done the thing that has you pissed off at him yet. “Uh, nevermind.” 

With a little difficulty and a bit of residual aching, you got back up to your feet. You were glad you could at least walk again.

“Come on, asshole, let’s head back up so we can have a proper conversation and at least give off the illusion that we have _some_ class. I’m not for this talking on the stairs bullshit.”

He shrugged and stepped to the side as you walked past him. Your desire to get back has only multiplied in the last five minutes because you just remembered that your sylladex was completely devoid of random earth snacks. The last of them was consumed back before you fell asleep during your meeting with Gamzee.

This was unacceptable, because now you were hungry. You were _always_ hungry, but that really wasn’t the fucking point.

The two of you reached the top of the staircase and headed down the hallway. The entire time you could swear that Sollux’s eyes (or eye… does the black one even work?) were on you, probably taking in how much you’ve changed in the past few perigees. Needless to say, it made you a little uncomfortable.

You looked back over your shoulder at him and noticed him looking off somewhere to his right. His shoulders were a lot more relaxed, and the way he had his hands stuffed in his pants pockets made him look all kinds of chill, a far cry from the way he hunched forward in front of his husk top as if trying to cut off everything around him. 

He could give Gamzee a run for his money in the race for being the “wiriest motherfucker in existence,” though. Being half dead and all, he probably doesn’t need to eat because he would’ve otherwise starved to death floating around in the ring unless dream food was a thing.

Note to self: see if dream food is a thing. 

He was taller than you (like that said a lot), but he seemed the slightest bit shorter than you remembered, which may have meant that he hadn’t grown at all and you actually gained _some_ god damned height over the last sweep. The thought elated you more than it probably should have, due to being surrounded by fast growing assholes.

No, wait, fuck that. You were experiencing the right amount of elation. 

“What are you grinning about?” Sollux asked accusingly. If the burnt out eye didn’t, in fact, work, he probably didn’t notice you staring at him, but he had since turned around while you were busy reveling in meager height gains.

“What, I can’t grin if I wanted to?” you grumbled.

“It just makes your face look weird and it wasn’t just one of your normal asshole grins either. It was, like, some other soft-bellied abomination that had no business being on your mug.”

Some things never change. And where does he get off thinking he can float on by and insult you as if he didn’t leave you to rot on this rock a sweep ago? That’s a grade A douche bag right there. He’s lucky this is one of your mellow days or you would have said something that would result in an embarrassingly stupid exchange reminiscent of your pre-game trollian chats.

“I’m kind of surprised though,” he continued.

“Surprised?”

“Yes. I figured that being stuck with all those humans would drive you up the wall. You seem relatively sane considering you were practically begging me to stay back at the green sun.” 

You rolled your eyes. “Don’t speak so soon. They all have me scurrying varying distances up vertical planes on a regular basis. Now I’m sure you didn’t cross a shit ton of tentacle infested darkness just to insult my face. So what’s up?”

“I don’t know, really,” he shrugged. “AA said it was a good time to check on you guys so that’s what we did. She’s always doing something and half the time I have no clue the reason why. For the half an hour I’ve been here, there doesn’t seem to be any point for this impromptu visit. I mean seriously, she just out of nowhere suggested we pop by after witnessing a horrorterror on its last wiggling appendage have a conniption.”

“Sounds fun.”

Another shrug. “Meh.”

Sollux decided to fill you in on how much of an asshole some of your friends and alternate incarnations of them were while he traipsed through dream bubbles. Tavros did this, Feferi did that; It was pretty much what you expected and you weren’t particularly interested. He was about to go into something about an alternate version of yourself (you think), but something caught your attention that pulled you away from his small talk.

“Do you know what to do?” you heard someone say a distance down the hall. It was clearly Terezi. “No, hold the net like _this_!” 

You realized that she and the Mayor must have set up an ambush for you around the next corner. An annoyingly common occurrence, but thanks to the upgrades to some of your senses, you were able to elude her attempts pretty frequently. That just made her try harder, though.

“Huh? What do you mean I am unrefined in the art of net casting? Mr. Mayor, you clearly have no idea what you are talking about! As someone who aspired to be a legislacerator, I have to know how to cast a net in order to subdue my future bounties! It is a simplistic, but very useful tactic for apprehending the runners.” A pause. “Bah! What do you know? You are just a farmer turned diplomatic! We’re catching stubbier, angrier things than fish, so shush ‘cause I hear him coming, heheheh.”

This was just wonderful, and you were really fucking sick of everyone calling you stubby.

Okay, what to do? You had to think of something to avoid them. Chances of escape were slim once you turned that corner, more so if Dave was there. There was a fifty-fifty chance he would be. You had Sollux with you, so maybe he could help you out of the situation. Nah, he’d probably just stand aside and snicker like an idiot, thinking it was the most hilarious thing ever.

As you were contemplating your options, you had slowed your pace, allowing the psionic troll to catch up and nearly pass you on your right. He was being really inattentive as he was talking, and you were effectively in his blind spot.

The hallway would soon branch off to your left. Taking that way instead of staying true to this corridor would take longer to get back, but a couple transportalizer jumps would have you back at the main hub with little lost time. You had this shit down to a tee, and you can honestly say that getting lost those few times in this labyrinth laboratory did do you some good.

You just sort of slowed down a bit more and let Sollux inch further in front of you. After there was some distance between the two of you, you silently ducked into the connecting hallway. He didn’t seem to notice, and he was still walking and talking as if you were listening for the past couple minutes (of which you were not).

Stuffing your hands into your pockets, you grinned smugly at your little ploy, flawlessly executed without a hitch, and you could feel your prankster’s—NO NO NO you absolutely refuse to indulge in that ridiculous abstraction! To further punctuate your obstinacy, you flailed your arms around as if to knock away any clown-faced gauges out of the air before they started filling themselves with their juvenile humor increments. 

After taking a second to get a grip, you figured ditching Sollux in this way would be adequate punishment for helping a certain individual take away your memo access. Then again, this may be the underlying reason he decides to go along with John’s request in the first place. Shit. Once again, past you ruins everything because he doesn’t think things through.

Oh well, it was too late to stop. Any second now, he will turn that corner and-

“NOW!”

“Buh!?”

The sounds of Sollux getting jumped and a light scuffle echoed through the hall, accompanying Terezi’s maniacal cackle. A flash of light and a discharge of psionic energy made your head buzz, prompting you to stop and turn around. It smelled like burning. You were almost worried Sollux could have fried Terezi and the Mayor in his surprise, but then you heard the ensuing exchange.

“Mr. Appleberry blast? What are you doing?” Terezi inquired. “This trap was clearly made for unsuspecting trolls who can’t shoot eye blasts!”

“Excuse me, what? What am _I_ doing? Shouldn’t I be asking you that!? What’s with the fucking net? And tell this guy to stop twitching violently I didn’t even hit him!” Sollux demanded angrily.

“He is perfectly justified in his mindless twitching; you torched his hat,” she said with a laugh. “Now where did Karkat run off to? I was so sure he would come down this way.”

“How the fuck should I know? I was talking to him a second ago and suddenly he’s gone. That is some uncharacteristic stealthiness.”

“Ugh, I know! He’s gotten pretty damn good at avoiding my traps. If it’s not his matesprit messing everything up, it’s him mysteriously eluding me.”

“Why are you setting traps in the first place? and _matesprit_? Who is that if not you?”

“Hahah, no time for chitchat, Sollux. I have more plotting to do and a Karkat to locate!”

You took that as your cue to pick up the pace and get back with enough time to make it seem like you had no idea what happened. It also occurred to you that eventually he would want to know _why_ it happened. You did not look forward to telling him what was going on.

Looking down and placing a hand on your stomach, you let out a tired sigh. If, or when, rather, Sollux finds out, you’d probably never hear the end of it. You could just imagine all the fun he’s going get out of this and every pailing related diatribe he’s going throw at you. That’s assuming he doesn’t freak out. As far as you can tell, you’re the only one who’s effectively freaked out about this. 

Really, if you had your way, you’d be done with all of this crap without any unnecessary parties knowing anything about it, but it seems like that might just be a dumbass’s pipe dream.

 

**== > John: Finish the spaghetti sauce **

You gave the sauce one final stir before lifting the spoon and giving it a taste. It still needed something, and you had just the idea what. With a little flick of your finger, one of the little bottles of spices situated on the rack you mounted on the wall was caressed by a small whirlwind, carrying it over to your waiting hand. You put a dash of it in and prepared to taste it again, but something made you jump when it nudged you in the side.

You turned to see a pair of spiraled horns poking out of a maroon hood. They belonged to one of the trolls you met when you first arrived on the meteor but departed with shortly afterwards. Rose had given you a heads up to the arrival of two of your acquaintances. 

“Um, can I help you?” you asked the troll whose head was hovering over your sauce pot. If she leaned over it any further, she may have ended up falling in! 

“Oh! I’m sorry!” she said cheerfully, taking a step back. She pulled her hood down and shook free all of her curly hair. It was a good thing her hood was up when she was checking out the sauce, because otherwise her bouncy locks could have ended up in it. “It smells wonderful! What is it?”

“Spaghetti!” you responded with just as much cheer. “Would you like to try the sauce?”

She nodded. You produced a spoon out of the myriad of kitchen utensils stored in your sylladex nowadays and dipped out a little of the red sauce for her.

“Careful, it’s hot,” you warned, handing her the spoon. She tasted it and instantly lit up.

“Oh wow! It tastes wonderful, too!”

You swelled with pride at her compliment. In all honesty, you were a little nervous that you would end up a terrible cook and let all of the stuff Jade and your nana sent go to waste. As your proficiency with culinary arts increased, you’ve risen a number of rungs on your parentaladder and you now comfortably sit on the rung: Chef Boyardee. 

Yes, you’re dead serious. That’s what it’s called, named after the microwaveable pasta-in-a-can guy. Most of the rungs on these echeladder type things are stupid anyway. Hell, a few rungs lower you passed the title, “Brother Hen.” 

What does that even mean?

Anyway, with this new rank, came a shiny new guardian rubric! This one was labeled “Lecturcise”. You guess it is some weird portmanteau of lecture and exercise, but in any case it involves you delivering a stern lecture to an unwilling recipient. You felt a little bad for trying it out on Rose, but at least you know it works. The days where nothing catches on fire are definitely adding up. It was really strange because the accidents only started recently. Rose was never this scatter brained and no one should be that bad in the kitchen. 

No wait, you just remembered that incident involving the butter knife with Dave. How does someone _do that much damage_ with a butter knife!? You almost shuddered. Never speak of the butter knife incident, _ever._

It must be a Strider-Lalonde thing. With that in mind it explained why they warmed up to your cooking despite the obvious flaws in your earlier dishes. Their guardians probably had no god damn idea what they were doing in the kitchen while your dad and your nana where masters of the culinary arts.

By the time the noodles in the strainer were added to the meat sauce, Karkat entered the kitchen and promptly took a seat at the table next to Dave. Right on time, you thought. He acknowledged your matesprit with a nod and Karkat simply shot him an unreadable glance. Strangely, Karkat looked like he had done something he regretted. It was probably the little exchange he had with Dave earlier. His gambit was probably still reeling from that (hehehe).

“So, uh, Aradia, right?” you asked the god tier troll whilst taking out several plates and keeping them aloft via wind magic. She nodded and smiled at you, affirming you got her name correct. “Would you like some?”

“I’d love some! This is a little exciting. I haven’t had an actual meal since before I died back on Alternia.”

“Wow, you haven’t eaten since you came back to life?”

“Nope. I wouldn’t worry, though. As a god tier, eating isn’t a necessity. The requirements that are needed for us to die prevent starvation in most cases.”

Huh, interesting. So you could’ve gone all this time without eating. You still got hungry and everything, so it never occurred to you that dying of starvation wasn’t really a thing. Weird.

“Well, in any case, I hope you enjoy!”

A few air-related shenanigans brought a full plate of spaghetti with the proper utensils in front of Karkat, Dave, and Aradia, who was just taking her seat. You manually filled a plate for yourself and joined them, sitting next to Karkat on his other side.

The cool kid poked and shifted the noodles around on his plate around, as if checking for traps. When there was nothing to be found, he sighed subtly and finally started eating. It made you grin to see him so cautious. There was nothing hidden in the spaghetti (this time), but it was understandable. He has to stay vigilant if he wants to keep up with the _prank master_.

“You’re looking well, Karkat,” Aradia beamed. He looked up from his plate, his mouth holding a cascade of noodles before he slurped them up and swallowed. 

“Uh, thanks, I guess,” he said before returning his attention to his meal.

“Did you run into Sollux? He was looking for you.”

“Yeah I saw him,” he replied between mouthfuls. “He got separated somewhere on the way up here.”

As if on cue, the kitchen door opened and a disheveled Sollux walked in, looking like he just got jumped.

“KK, where’d you disappear to?” he asked, approaching his friend.

“I don’t know. You just got lost somewhere. You should probably pay attention to where the fuck you’re going.” Sollux knit his brow at his off-putting statement and just pulled out a chair with his mind powers (so cool) to take a seat next to Aradia.

The four-horned troll looked at the plate Aradia was grazing on with curious suspicion. “What’s this?”

“Pasketti!” That was so cute you nearly choked. She sounded like a little kid when she said it. “You should try some, it’s great!”

“It smells alright, but I don’t kno- mmph!” He was cut off when Aradia stuffed a forkful into his unsuspecting mouth. At first, he looked thoroughly outraged that his oral cavity had been violated in such a way, but it slowly melted away to an expression of pure bliss.

“Holy shit,” he said with widening eyes.

“See?” Aradia smiled. Her face suddenly changed as if she just remembered something important. “Oh, I have to go do something. Here.” She slid her plate in front of Sollux. “You eat some human pasta, okay?”

Sollux blinked, taking her fork. “Uh, okay.”

Fluttering her wings, she bounced out of the kitchen and floated down the hall, leaving Sollux with you, Dave, and Karkat.

She was different than all the other trolls, but similar in some ways to Karkat in regards to having features that weren’t as sharp as the others’. Maybe it was a hemospectrum thing. She was also bubbly and cheerful and just overall okay with everything in all of her short, rust-colored glory, and it felt so genuine. It was adorable… and maybe just a little unsettling. She was probably just as crazy in her own ways that were a bit more subtle compared to the other trolls you’ve met. Either that, or you just haven’t seen her at her worst. Her creepy eagerness to hold an earth style funeral session when you first met suddenly came to mind.

“Hey, gimme some more,” Karkat demanded, holding his plate in your direction and breaking you free from your thoughts. 

“Sure thing!” 

You got up to refill the plate with a liberal helping of spaghetti. No sooner than you put it down in front of him did Karkat start digging in.

“Wow, you’re really putting it away,” Sollux said, astonished. 

“He has to if he wants to have healthy- oof!” You were cut off by a sharp pain in your shin. You looked over at Karkat, who was busy eating as if he didn’t just kick you. What was that for?

“As I was saying, Karkat is- Ow, hey!“ you blurted out when his foot struck your leg again. When you looked to your side this time, you saw your boyfriend glaring daggers at you. It was then that it dawned on you.

“Oh, you still haven’t told-“ You cringed as pain flared in the same spot. “FUCKING— quit kicking me!” you shouted at him.

Without saying anything, he stood up and pulled you out of your seat by your hood and to the other side of the kitchen, nearly choking you in the process. When you were out of earshot of Sollux and Dave, Karkat stopped tugging you along and scowled angrily at you.

“What’s wrong with you?” you asked, frustrated at him for making your shin ache.

“Stop acting like you have diarrhea of the mouth and learn how to take a god damn hint the first time around, then maybe a second or third kick to your lower appendages wouldn’t be necessary!” he snarled. “Who is this dense? Spoiler alert! It is you!”

“I don’t see why you’re being secretive! He’s going to find out anyway.”

“But I’d rather he’d not!”

“You’re being ridiculous! It’s not like secrets are kept for very long here. For all we know, Dave could be telling him right now!”

Karkat whipped his head around and looked at the two at the table. They were just sitting there with their spaghetti, talking about something. What it was, you couldn’t tell, but it looked like whatever it was had Sollux a little agitated. It was a conversation with Dave, so that wasn’t surprising. Karkat grew nervous regardless.

“Oh man... “

“Karkat, chill. It’s not like he’s going to flip out and do something crazy, like disown you or something. You’re overreacting.”

“Okay, fine, maybe…” He glanced over his shoulder at Sollux one more time. “Just keep your mouth shut about all of this, okay?” he pleaded, turning back to you with his expression softening. “I’ll tell him if I have to, but he may not even stay for long and end up traipsing off into that pitch blackness with Aradia at any moment. If he leaves without knowing about any of this, it would be that much less horseshit I have to worry about.”

Before you could say anything else, a chime came from the oven timer.

“Alright. I won’t bring it up or say anything,” you conceded before pulling him close into a brief hug. “Just go sit down and finish eating. Relax… and quit kicking me, because I'll kick you back next time.”

Whatever issues he had with this would have to be discussed later, because your cookies were ready. They were necessary for bribing a specific half-deceased troll into helping you keep the timeline stable through memo-related tomfoolery.

 

**== > Be Sollux **

You are now Sollux Captor, and you think something is up. 

You weren’t sure what it was, but the entire time you’ve been on this floating hunk of detritus was nothing but weird. Yes, you got jumped by Terezi and that Dersite (who has the delusion of holding a significantly high political position or something) and nearly burned holes in the two of them with your psionics, but it wass mostly attributed to the fact that Karkat was just way too obvious when he was hiding something. You noticed right away that he had yet to tell you something, and was sorely hoping he didn’t have to.

You already knew he was walking around with some horn infection, and you’re doing everything you can to resist digging up your medicated horn creams in your old lab room and dumping them all on his head. God knows that if that shit’s infectious, you don’t want any of those pathogens or spores or whatever disease causing microorganisms near your own headgear. His horns are so nubby, it probably doesn’t even bother him that much. In fact, you nearly missed it since his hair hid them so well. You, on the other hand, aren’t so lucky. Let’s just say having four horns made horn diseases…

Doubly disastrous.

Whenever you contracted something back on Alternia, everyone in a two mile radius knew exactly how true that statement held. Despite the fear of getting infected your own self, you had a weird urge to touch them. There’s a chance being half dead made chances of infection nonexistent, and there’s always the horn creams, so maybe you could indulge this urge later on just to piss him off a bit.

He also put on a bit of weight, most of it situating itself in his belly. It wasn’t so much that it would concern anybody, but you decided to poke fun at him anyway. The reason why he would gain weight wasn’t hard to deduce after trying John’s human pasta. That shit’s not bad. 

Troll horn disease and widening figures aside, one thing that caught your attention was that he acted a little more… subdued. You were half expecting him to throw a fit one way or another and have your auricular sponge clots assaulted with his angry ramblings (which you, admittedly, missed somewhat) when you came back. It looked like he was on that path when he mentioned kicking your crotch, but he pulled that back uncharacteristically quick.

Not only that, but his face looked… different. You guess healthier might be a good word for it, but you can’t really be sure. His skin has this weird sheen, the lines under his eyes have diminished notably as if he actually slept like a normal troll, and the way he’s putting away that spaghetti assured you he’s eating well.

Finally, you have the knowledge that he has a matesprit that is not Terezi. That threw you for a loop, considering the whole ordeal the two had going on before you left. And why is she setting up ambushes with nets for him? Did they flip black somewhere down the line?

It’s all just weird, and the scene unraveling in front of you was no exception. After kicking John three times, Karkat hauled him off by his hood to the other side room to discuss something out of your auditory range.

“What’s going on?” you inquired in a whisper, leaning over in Dave’s direction.

He slurped up some noodles before answering. “Just your usual lover’s quarrel. You’ll get used to it. Or not. It isn’t a requirement, really.” 

“Ohhh, so he’s the matesprit?”

“Yup.”

That was one mystery solved. You couldn’t help but smirk at the fact Karkat filled a quadrant with the John human of all people. You had a feeling Dave would appreciate the irony. After all, you interacted with who-knows-how-many incarnations of him by this point, so you’re sure he did.

You watched with intrigue as Karkat and John exchanged knives via eyeballs for a split second before they started saying things you couldn’t perceive. You leaned back over to Dave.

“Hey, do you know what they’re talking about?”

“Sure do,” was his brief response. A moment passed as you waited for him to elaborate further. The insufferable prick didn’t.

“Then, can you tell me?” you were forced to ask, a little annoyed that you had to.

“Nope.”

“And why the fuck not?”

“Reasons.”

“What, will the timeline implode and we’d all end up dying horrible deaths if you did?”

“Possibly.” 

You threw your hands up in defeat. This was just like talking to Aradia. What was it with time players? Asking them questions was like pulling out fangs and finding out that right after you dislodged the stubborn thing, you realized it’s the wrong tooth. You slumped down into your seat angrily and took another forkful of pasta to your mouth figuring you might as well drop it, because you weren’t getting anything out of—

“Look, dude.” You glanced back at Strider to see him turning to you in a way so subtle, he could swear he didn’t turn at all. “I’m sure you’ll learn what the hell is going on and have your customary freak out in due time, but now is not that time.” He gestures down at the nutrition plateau in front of him. “I have a plate of godly noodles in front of me and it hasn’t exploded in my face, so I can’t be blamed for trying to appreciate some quiet eats.”

You looked down at your food and poked it curiously. “Why would they explode?”

“Don’t worry about it. My suggestion: just sit back, eat some human pasta like your girlfriend told ya, and enjoy the show.” He twirled his fork in his hand unbelievably fast, probably in a half-hearted attempt to tear your attention away from the half-smile on his face. “Or not, because that’s not really a requirement either.”

What show was he talking about, why was he looking so sneaky, and why did you have a feeling that you are going to spend the next few hours just as confused as you are now, or possibly even more so? There were plenty of questions left unanswered and you had a gut feeling this was going to be a long and arduous visitation. 

There was a sudden ding from the oven and you noticed across the room John giving Karkat a hug before moving to tend to whatever the sound signaled. He opened the appliance and—dear god… what is that wonderful smell!?

 

**== > Rose: Speak with Aradia**

“It’s good to see you again, Aradia, but I’m curious to what brought you all the way to our little corner of the void,” you began. “If it were for simple pleasantries, than I’m sure you could have waited until we came across each other in a dream bubble.”

“Pretty much!” the troll smiled.

“Hm, I’m not sure whether or not I should be hurt by your hasty agreement.”

She chuckled. “Don’t be silly! I would have dragged Sollux down here with me to say hello ages ago. As strange as it sounds, I just simply did not have the time, and you are right to assume that I have a bit of business here.”

Retiring to your room, you took a seat on your usual spot while Aradia made herself comfortable on a pile of fabrics and yarn usually reserved for Kanaya’s visits. You almost objected to her taking a seat there, but you remembered that the pile hasn’t been in use as of late. 

You wondered what your favorite rainbow drinker was up to right now, not having pestered her in quite some time. Now that Karkat’s dietary needs are being met, she’s been busy going back and forth to the meteor’s caverns, making preparations for the coming generation of grubs. You’ve decided to give her some space so she can focus on what she felt needed to be done and to mull things over, stealthily checking on her every so often to make sure she doesn’t work herself to the bone. After a decent amount of time, you planned to ask her to consider the idea of moving forward in your relationship once more, hopefully with differing results. You figured the situation in which you brought up the idea previously was probably ill-timed and a little unfair.

“Speaking of aspect related duties, how have yours been going?” Aradia asked, pulling you out of your head.

“Fine. Would you like to peruse what I have so far?”

“No, that’s alright,” she answered, waving her palm. “But by any chance, has Karkat gotten into anything lately?”

“That’s a seemingly random question.”

“I suppose it is!” she beamed.

You considered her question and the consequences of participating in such gossip. Karkat most likely wouldn’t appreciate spreading the news of his current condition, and he would probably give you quite the earful if it spread to the far reaches of the Furthest Ring. He definitely didn’t need the stress, and you weren’t entirely sure how loose lipped Aradia really was. If this got out to the wrong individuals, there was absolutely no doubt that it would spread faster than a cold in a kindergarten class… assuming it hadn’t already.

“I can tell you, but only on the condition that you keep this information to yourself,” you offered. Despite the fact you were planning to start yapping to someone who knew her way around the dream bubbles, you had a strange inkling that this was the right thing to do.

“Why is that?” she asked, tilting her head curiously.

“I don’t feel I’m at complete liberty to share Karkat’s business. You understand how it is.”

She thought about it for a second, looking down at her ankles, crossed one over the other at the foot of the pile. “Alright, I’ll agree. However! If it becomes crucial to the game, I may have to break that rule for the benefit of all involved parties.”

“I’m pretty sure it won’t have to come to that.”

To assist in your explanation, you located and pulled your copy of “Troll Reproduction for Assholes” out of your sylladex (Kanaya had the original). It never hurt to have that extra proof to annihilate as much doubt as possible as you explained what her short-statured leader has gotten into recently, or, rather, what has recently gotten into _him_.

You still couldn’t stop yourself from smirking at this whole situation, as jarring as it was to the established routines of those involved and everyone else in the general vicinity. The pragmatic thing to do was to take everything in stride… or at least make an attempt to.


	17. Troll Reproduction for Assholes Part 3

**== > Skim section of relevance**

**Troll Reproduction Part 2: Section V: More Hormone Shit and What the FUCK is up with my Horns!?**

So, halfway through your first quarter, you may wake up one night and notice that _your horns are now your blood color holy shit_. Congratulations! You are now exhibiting the most telling sign that you’ve been knocked up and that your nook will soon be the magical tunnel that X number of trolls will travel through to enter the new world!

The usually orange headgear is probably sensitive as all hell and it makes you want to rip someone’s protein chute out through their asshole whenever something touches them. Luckily, the sensitivity lessens further into the term to the point where you only want to tear someone’s protein chute out from somewhere (relatively) less painful.

Basically, what happened was that your crazy hormones decided to fuck shit up even more. The more technical name that some uncreative nerd pulled out of his or her ass is just Hemocolorization.

Depending on horn size and shape, the blood coloring is usually visible around the base and a few inches upwards, tapering off into the normal orange or yellow. For you unlucky bastards with miniscule horns, your puny nubs are probably colored completely, (not so) sorry to say. The colorization will last throughout the term, but there’s no telling when it will return to normal. Some individuals have their original horn color back soon after laying, others might not see their original horns until after the eggs hatch. It varies from troll to troll.

How does it happen? 

The horn colorization is but a side effect of their sensitization. The vessels and capillaries fill with more blood than usual, causing the thin, near non-existent outer layer to swell. 

Why does it happen?

Horns played an integral part as another set of sensory organs as grubs, but aren’t as important for adults due to the noticeable decrease in sensitivity after pupation. Some suggest that the sensitization is a defense developed back when we trolls were primitive shit brained cave dwellers. While pregnant, trolls are in a very vulnerable state, so the extra awareness reminiscent of their grub stages is to help locate and avoid would-be predators in the dark caverns of our origin. 

The same hormones that cause this change in the horns also seem to increase the clarity of the other senses, obviously for the same reasons the horns are sensitized. Nowadays, it’s pretty unnecessary.

Those uppity experts also believe that the blood coloring serves additional purposes. As stated later in this same section about horrible hormones, the ones released during intense feelings of hate can be detrimental to a pregnant troll, so the coloring is said to serve as a deterring sign to those trying to find someone to fill their black quadrants.

One interesting bit is that for trolls lower on the hemospectrum, they sometimes gain an increased resistance to certain psychic effects that persists even after the horns return to their normal coloration. Blue bloods will find it a tad more difficult to penetrate the think pan of a troll who has had at least one clutch of eggs and chucklevoodoos will be a little less effective. As for those psionics with a focus on more physical manipulation, all the horns really do is buzz annoyingly whenever they are being used nearby; it was probably helpful in sensing that a threat was in the general vicinity, as most trolls with these powers _are_ threats.

I assure you, you will find the buzzing to be the most _irritating thing ever_ if you’re involved with or regularly hang out with those psionic bastards.

Some power hungry nookwhiffers think this is an easy way to get some resistance to abilities of the higher ups, but I assure you, it ain’t that simple NOR is it guaranteed. 

Asshole Notes: The coloration is NOT to be confused with certain fungal infections that also tend to change horn color. General rule: if it stinks and feels grimy, go get it checked out! Or take an ablution. Not necessarily in that order, but whatever, I’m sure you can figure it out. You were smart enough to purchase (or steal) this book, after all, so I guess I can give you assholes some credit.

**== > Turn to “An Asshole’s Glossary”**

**horns** : the orange things on your head you fondle every morning before you doze off into a lonely slumber.

 **hemocolorization** : the coloring of one’s horns to that of their blood color due to weird pregnancy shit. Revitalizes their pre-metamorphic sense somewhat and also improves the other senses (except taste, my matesprit liked to add. She’s such a bitch sometimes.)

**== >**

SOLLUX: kk…  
KARKAT: WHAT?   
SOLLUX: y0ur horns…  
KARKAT: DUDE STOP, DON’T TOUCH THEM!   
SOLLUX: they’re really red!   
KARKAT: OH GEE, REALLY? I HAVEN’T NOTICED.   
SOLLUX: it’s kinda c0ol…  
KARKAT: I SAID DON’T TOUCH THEM!!   
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU HALF DEAF IN ADDITION TO BEING HALF BLIND AND HALF DEAD?   
KARKAT: OR IS YOUR BRAIN HALF DEAD, TOO, SOLLUX? BECAUSE THE PART OF IT THAT’S SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU “HEY, FONDLING YOUR FRIEND’S HORNS WITHOUT PERMISSION IS A TOTALLY INVASIVE THING TO DO, YOU MASSIVE GRUBFUCKING BULGE” IS CLEARLY NOT FUNCTIONING.   
SOLLUX: eheheh  
KARKAT: IF YOU DON’T CUT IT OUT, I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL KICK YOUR BIFURCATED ASS SO HARD IT’LL LOOK LIKE YOU’RE EQUIPPED TO JOIN IN ON A GAME OF HUMAN FOOTBALL.   
SOLLUX: that d0esn’t even make sense.   
KARKAT: I’M ALLOWED TO NOT MAKE SENSE, NOW STOP.   
SOLLUX: it would be super sweet if 0ne of y0ur horns were blue and i gave y0u a pair of my 0ld glasses.   
SOLLUX: then you really w0uld be rocking the weird tr0ll horn disease.   
SOLLUX: y0ur co0lness will be multiplied twof0ld!   
KARKAT: …  
SOLLUX: but then again, two times zer0 is still nothing s0 it won’t d0 you any g0od.   
KARKAT: WOW, OKAY.   
KARKAT: THAT WAS QUITE THE ZINGER RIGHT THERE. REAL KNEESLAPPER MATERIAL.   
KARKAT: LET ME GIVE YOU A SILENT ROUND OF APPLAUSE AS I LEAVE IN UTTER DISGUST AT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.   
KARKAT: ON SECOND THOUGHT, I’LL JUST LEAVE. I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO BESIDES GETTING FELT UP BY SOMEONE WITH A NEWFOUND TACTILE DYSFUNCTION.   
SOLLUX: kk?   
SOLLUX: where are you g0ing?   
SOLLUX: come 0n kk was i just fucking around! i ap0logize, c0me back!   
SOLLUX: geez.   
SOLLUX: what swam up HIS no0k and set up a gestation cyst? 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to mention that during this part, there's going to be a revisit to an earlier memo back in Part 9, just in case you want to reread the thing in its entirety.
> 
> Also, I would've had this done sooner but The Little Mermaid came on the Disney Channel and my childhood came back with a vengeance xD

**== > John: Serve cookies **

They looked great!

This was the first time you tried this recipe and you hoped Sollux would like these ones. Then again, it was probably a little silly to worry since he would end up liking something, as foretold by confusing paradox space memo chats. If these don’t suit his fancy, there were at least fifteen million other cookie recipes you can dig through to find something he did like. Nana sent so many, you don’t think you could try making them all in the time you had left on the meteor!

You moved each cookie from the sheet to a platter using the air to simultaneously cool them down. Windy powers were _really_ convenient for cooking (and pretty much any domestic task), you’ve discovered.

“KK, let’s just cut the crap. What’s going on with you?” Sollux asked as you rejoined them at the table, holding the platter.

“I already told you. Nothing is going on,” Karkat responded defiantly.

Uh oh, Sollux was getting suspicious and asking questions. A change of subject utilizing food was in order! Activating guardian rubric: delicious distraction!

“Hey, Sollux!” you called out, prompting him to turn so he could see you with his glowing white eye. You held out the platter of treats. “Try one!”

He looked at the plate with caution, but you could tell he was enticed by the smell. Karkat had already taken one and decided he liked it enough to grab a couple more.

“Hm, not bad,” the half dead troll commented after taking a bite. The way his features of his face lit up for that first split second when he bit into it betrayed how much he really liked it. “What kind are they?”

“Honey cookies!”

Cookies flew everywhere when Sollux knocked the platter out of your hands, leaving you more than a little confused.

He slammed his palms onto the table as he stood up, black and white sparks dancing angrily around his head. “Are you trying to kill us all!?”

Huh? Did you do something wrong?

“Sollux! What are you doing?!” Karkat yelled.

“This guy is feeding us fucking mind honey!”

What the hell is mind honey? You turned to Dave for answers, but he just shrugged and mouthed “you’re on your own, dude” before vanishing in a flash, leaving only his empty dinner plate. It would figure he wouldn’t be any help.

“It’s not mind honey you two dimensional ignoramus! It’s _earth_ honey, made by earth bees not specifically bred for high powered husktop towers. Did you learn anything during the time you’ve been hanging around dead people, or did you spend all of that time with your head halfway up some random orifice trying to figure out more ways to be obnoxiously deviant from everyone else to add on top of being half dead?”

“But…”

“It’s _harmless_ , and all you did was ruin a batch of perfectly good cookies! Fucking. Wasteful!”

You held up your hands in a placating manner. “Guys, guys, it’s okay. I can always make more.”

Sollux, mostly calmed and accepting Karkat’s word for it, sat back down and picked up one of the cookies that fell onto the table. He nibbled on it meekly, seemingly embarrassed to have a caused a scene.

Karkat took a calming breath himself. “Hey, John, do you have any other snacks with you? I’m all out.”

“Oh, let me see.” You took a quick look through your inventory. In addition to a bunch of cooking utensils, you kept a variety of snack foods because Karkat would always run out when he had his cravings. You still don’t understand why he doesn’t just carry more with him. “I have some bananas, a couple apples, here’s some soda and a few pieces of cake I saved from the one I baked a couple days ago.”

“Okay, cool, just let me have all of those.” You removed the items from your inventory in card form and handed them to him. He immediately took out a banana before stowing everything else away, and just took a huge bite without peeling it.

“Karkat, I keep telling you don’t have to eat the peel.”

“I know,” he replied after swallowing, “I like the peel.”

You chuckled. “Ooooookay then.”

Karkat left with his banana, and you suddenly remembered that Sollux was still there when he spoke up.

“Does KK have some sort of bowel parasite? Because god damn, he’s putting food away faster than the biggest troll in my communal hive stem.”

“Nah, it’s just his horn problem,” you lied.

“I know horn problems,” he stated flatly, “no horn problem makes you _that_ hungry.”

Shit, you have to think of something quick.

“You trolls are just an enigma!” you blurted out loudly, dramatically throwing your arms in the air, “I have no clue what’s going on with you half the time! I just make the food!”

You started sweating bullets as he gave you a hard stare for a moment, but it looked like he accepted that explanation reluctantly, probably thinking you’re a big idiot, but that’s okay.

Keeping the pregnancy a secret was going to be an ordeal and a half… you just knew it. You’re not sure if it’s some new fatherly instinct manifesting (when is that supposed to develop anyway?), but it’s definitely something in your gut telling you that this is not going to end well no matter what you did.

All of the cookies scattered across the table and floor started floating, wrapped in a monochrome light, and collected on the plate.

“Yeah, anyway, sorry about the cookies,” he said sheepishly. “Mind honey does some fucked up stuff to your pan, and even more fucked up stuff to everyone around you if you’re a psionic.” He sounded noticeably woeful about it.

Mind honey must be some sort of drug on Alternia. That didn’t sound farfetched, considering everything else remotely edible from that planet had the potential to kill your pregnant boyfriend.

“Karkat told me you kept bees so I just assumed you liked honey! He didn’t tell me that it wasn’t something safe to eat.”

“They were good, though,” Sollux admitted. “The cookies, I mean.”

“Thanks!” you said, absorbing the praise like an overenthusiastic sponge. “Hey, if you do something for me, I’ll make you more.” He perked up at your offer.

“What, exactly, do you have in mind?” he asked suspiciously, quirking an eyebrow. “If it’s not something dumb, then I might consider it.”

You smiled triumphantly. “It’s something right up your alley, from what I hear!”

 

**== > Aradia: Be shocked at this new turn of events**

You had to admit that this was a very big surprise! However, it was not unheard of. As one who has made many contacts and acquaintances over your journey through the Furthest Ring, you have come across a lot of shocking information. As a result, this was not kept from you, as some of the dream bubbles from pre-scratch players’ memories have shown that this was possible.

Nevertheless, it was still exciting to know that it occurred to someone amongst your group, and you had to fight several urges to find the expecting couple and congratulate them on the pailing while throwing bits of colored paper at them! 

Seriously, if procreating wasn’t making great strides in cross-universal relations, then you don’t know _what_ was.

You suddenly remembered that humans had something to commemorate someone’s procreation. It was sort of like the opposite of their fascinating corpse party rituals, where an individual is celebrated before their birth instead of after their death. It made you think of a pre-wriggling day ceremony, where, if it were applied to your culture, gifts that would assist in the young charge’s upbringing would be given to the lusus and everyone would gather to play ridiculous gaming activities. What was it called? A Wiggler Ablution? No, that was the wrong terminology, but you were pretty sure it was along those lines.

Sadly, you could not talk them into holding one for Karkat and John since that would break the terms of your agreement. How disappointing, but you made a mental note to bring it up later, perhaps after Karkat was more comfortable with the ordeal. Rose told you that he didn’t quite take the news as well as everyone else.

“Rose, this is wonderful!”

“Agreed, but I’d still prefer you kept it to yourself,” she replied. “Does this information pertain to the business you have here?”

“I’m not sure,” you said, your expression becoming serious. This made no sense. According to what Gamzee had said when you ran into him in that malformed dream bubble, that horroterror was messing with Karkat. Why would a dying god want to mess with him? There had to be a connection somewhere, but whether or not it had to do with what you just learned was still up in the air.

“If you were to share a little more information, I can probably help,” Rose offered.

Yes, that would be best, you thought. 

“How knowledgeable are you when it comes to horrorterrors?” you asked.

She stiffened for a moment. “More than most, I would think.”

You recounted your run in with Gamzee in the malformed dream bubble to her, and she gave as much attention to your story as you did hers.

“That _is_ a little disconcerting,” she commented after you finished, holding her chin in a hand. “A horrorterror in any condition is not something to be trifled with. I have yet to have any visions pertaining to dark gods, so it’s possible that there is nothing to worry about.”

“Do you think we could talk to Gamzee to fill in any blanks? I planned on having a longer conversation with him when we met, but circumstances didn’t allow it.”

There was a sudden banging sound heard from the ceiling, gaining both Rose’s and your attention.

“Speaking of demented juggalos,” Rose murmured, brandishing a wand. She pointed it upwards, releasing a weak blast of ivory light. It blasted a hole in the ceiling and a form fell down with a cry.

“Terezi?” you said when the dust cleared enough for you to see.

“Excuse you!” she yelled, rubbing her bottom since it had taken the brunt of her fall. “What’s the big idea?”

“Huh, I was not expecting to find _you_ in the vent system,” Rose said, tapping her weapon against her other palm before ultimately putting it away. “I guess I was incorrect in thinking that Gamzee was the only one who utilized the vents. What were you doing in there?”

The teal blood stood and dusted herself off. “I was in transit.”

“To?”

She smiled widely at Rose. “Come on, Rose, I expected better of you.”

“I have a hunch, but I figured you’d humor me,” the light player responded, smirking back at her fellow seer. “You realize that, despite my lack of interference, I don’t condone your shenanigans at all, right?”

“Yes, which is why you are great!” Terezi sniffed the air once before turning to you. “Ah, Aradia! Didn’t see you there.”

“Well, of course you didn’t,” you grinned. 

She gave you a congratulatory nod before crouching and performing an impressive acrobatic feat to get back up through the hole Rose made in her ceiling. “I’d love to stay and be part of the Ms. Know-it-all party but I have some instigating to do!”

Rose held a hand to the side of her mouth to amplify her voice. “If you happen upon Gamzee, please send him our way. We’d like to discuss something with him.”

“Sure, I’m bound to run into him eventually!” Her voice and the sound of her moving through the vent were already growing dimmer, despite the echo provided. 

“I’m trusting that Terezi hasn’t had any visions worth sharing, so that may be a good sign,” Rose said after the departing troll’s cackles could no longer be heard. You nodded your agreement and figured it was time to wrap things up here.

Rose agreed to do a little more digging to see what was up and if there was actual need to be concerned while you tended to your own investigation. She seemed a little reluctant to the idea of having to deal with horrorterrors, but she assured you that she’d keep in touch and relay anything she learned. Everyone was pretty busy on the meteor, so you felt a little guilty asking her to put her current affairs on hold, but what could you do?

Finally, you had a rather difficult decision to make before leaving; one pertaining to your dear tag-along.

 

**== > Sollux: Do what you do best**

A few more lines to go and your program was complete. It took you all of ten minutes to throw together the code John requested to restrict Karkat’s memo usage. It was fairly simple, and any half-panned idiot with a keyboard could put it together.

At first, you thought it was a monumental waste of time. Why did he want Karkat off the memos in the first place? Granted, the arguments he had with himself were just really dumb, but you found them kind of hilarious. If the guy wanted to yell at himself at different points in time, then why stop him?

You reached over to your left as you doubled checked the coding and grabbed the last cookie, biting into it and letting its subtle sweetness wash over your palette.

This led to a slew of conflicting feelings. Earth bees: useless assholes who can’t run a computer to play Troll Starcraft on the lowest setting, or _geniuses of fucking nature_ for their tasty bi-product that doesn’t make your head explode or incinerate your neighbors? The verdict forthcoming.

It just really sucked that you made a bit of a scene back in the food preparation block. How embarrassing. Luckily, John didn’t mind after the initial shock of being disarmed of his treats (his face when his hand was devoid of cookies was priceless, though). 

There was no way you could refuse his offer to make you more. He whipped some up really quick as a “down payment” and promised to make you more after you were done. Since the program was already finished, you decided to check on Karkat’s matesprit and see how the cookies were coming.

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB].  
TA: i finished the c0de.  
EB: already??  
TA: of c0urse.   
TA: it was simple and any imbecile could c0de a program like this.  
TA: h0w are the co0kies coming?  
EB: um, i haven’t actually started on them.  
TA: then what the hell have y0u been doing?  
EB: baking a cake!  
EB: an exploding cake.  
TA: is making f0od expl0de comm0n on earth 0r something?  
EB: yes.  
TA: i d0n’t think i want to kn0w why your crazy alien race makes baked g0ods that can det0nate so i'll just g0 fuck around until y0u’re done.  
TA: i d0n’t see why you just d0n’t give me the code.  
TA: it’d be s0 much easier that way.  
EB: bleh, alchemized food isn’t as good as when it’s made fresh.  
EB: it lacks the secret ingredient!  
TA: don’t say it’s l0ve.  
EB: then i honestly don’t know what to tell you!  
EB: (it totally is)  
TA: eugh…  
TA: i don’t kn0w what kk sees in you because y0u just seem like a big idiot.   
EB: hey!   
EB: a wise man once told me to never insult the person handling your food!  
TA: was that a threat?   
TA: that s0unded like a threat.   
TA: don’t you dare sab0tage my co0kies.   
EB: don’t worry, i kinda need your skill set at the moment.   
EB: but for future reference, you wouldn’t want to test me!   
EB: i can’t be trusted.   
EB: i can’t even trust myself, as i shall soon demonstrate with this volatile pastry.   
TA: geez you’re weird.   
EB: says the one who’s half dead!   
EB: how does that even work?   
TA: it’s c0mplicated.   
EB: okay, whatever, i have a cake bomb to prepare for my past self so chill out and the cookies will be done in no time. 

ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA].

Wow, Karkat seems to gravitate towards the eccentric ones.

Pushing yourself away from the computer, you decided to go through with what you told John and wander a bit. Maybe you’ll run into Aradia or chance upon something that will explain what the hell was going on here.

 

**== > John: Pester Kanaya**

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]. 

EB: i know you’re probably busy doing grub baby preparation stuff, but i just want to give you a heads up that karkat doesn’t want sollux to know about the pregnancy thing.    
GA: My   
GA: How Aggravatingly Typical   
EB: i know right?    
EB: for all we know, he might not even be all that surprised.    
EB: you, terezi, and gamzee freaked out a lot less than he did.    
EB: i mean, he has all the reasons to freak out, but still.    
GA: Well I Almost Did Have A Small Breakdown After My Introductory Reading Of The Book   
GA: It Was Just Suppressed By The Accompanying Excitement And A Renewed Sense Of Purpose   
EB: oh, right.    
GA: Speaking Of Keeping Secrets   
GA: I Am Unsure That You Are In Any Position To Talk Considering Your Reluctance To Divulge It To Jade    
EB: that was different!    
GA: Was It Really   
EB: it wasn’t keeping the pregnancy thing a secret so much as telling her we totally boned, since those two things are directly related to each other.    
EB: karkat was already upset with me for letting on about it to you guys!    
EB: plus, i technically never had the chance since she kinda poofed just seconds after i woke you up.    
GA: I Still Feel Obligated To Pay You Something Back For That Pie To The Face   
GA: But I Do Not Know What At The Moment   
GA: Perhaps This Is The Feeling That Prompts One To Return A Jape In Kind Thus Leading To The Incredibly Ridiculous Prankster Wars You Love So Dearly   
EB: hehehe maybe.    
EB: feel free to join in any time!    
EB: just know that your immunity is immediately revoked once you pull your first prank, then it’d probably be all down hill from then on because i show no mercy.    
EB: but we could always team up!    
EB: i'm sure terezi would jump at the opportunity to team up with dave so it’d end up being fair.    
GA: I Will Keep That In Mind When Considering My Final Decision   
GA: How Is Karkat Feeling By The Way   
EB: fine as far as i can tell.    
EB: he just finished eating and probably went to my room to sleep like he usually does.    
GA: That Is Good Although I Would Still Like To Check On Him A Little More Extensively Shortly After I Finish Everything Here In The Ectobiology Lab   
GA: And After I Take An Ablution   
EB: aren’t you wearing that suit i alchemized for you?    
GA: I Am   
GA: But I Always Feel Just A Tad Filthy Even With This Suits Protective Properties   
GA: Probably Because It Keeps Everything In Just As Well As It Keeps Things Out   
EB: haha at least it works.    
GA: Yes I Suppose   
GA: I Am Also Surprised That Its Not All That Fashionably Hideous   
GA: Relatively Speaking Of Course   
EB: i shall take that as a compliment!    
EB: so thanks!    
GA: You Are Welcome   
EB: i’m just about finished cleaning the kitchen so i'll be checking on him in a little bit.    
EB: if he’s sleeping, i think i will join him for a nap, too.    
EB: even with windy powers, cleaning the kitchen is tiring and no fun at all!    
GA: When Was The Last Time You Slept   
EB: i don’t remember.    
EB: possibly the last time you stood watch in my room for terezi, dave, and the mayor while karkat and i snoozed.    
EB: yeah, i think that was it.    
GA: That Was Two Days Ago   
EB: wow really?    
EB: i'm too busy being hyper alert to make sure they don’t get the jump on me to keep up with time.    
EB: gotta stay vigilant to keep the gambit full, y’know?    
EB: also there was food to cook and laundry to do and gosh i don’t know how my dad DID all of this while working his job at the same time and still becoming the hardest person to one up in a prank war.    
EB: the man was inhuman, i'm sure of it.    
GA: I Really Do Not See The Point In Not Giving Terezi What She Wants   
GA: She Would Assuredly Stop Once Her Morbid Curiosity Has Been Sated.    
EB: i guess, but karkat doesn’t want her licking all over him, so that’s that.    
GA: Hm   
GA: But In Any Case You Should Get Some Rest   
GA: I Will Not Take Long To Purge Myself Of All Of These Impurities So I Will Be Able To Watch You Two In A Bit   
EB: hehe okay, thanks! 

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

 

**== > Sollux: Visit Karkat’s room**

After some time wandering the lab and acquainting yourself with the layout (truth be told, you didn’t go very many places while you were here last time), you returned to the central hub with all of the transportalizers. You were looking for Aradia, but she was nowhere to be found. Who knew where she was, but she always had a knack for popping up whenever she was needed, so that didn’t worry you too much.

When you saw Karkat’s transportalizer, you figured you could drop in and make another attempt to catch up. He did ditch you back in the hallway, after all, and you never got a chance to tell him about the slew of new assholes you had the misfortune of running into during your escapades. They were supposedly your ancestors, and your descendents before they initiated their scratch. That’s what Aradia told you, anyway.

You strolled up to the platform, hesitating a bit right when you were about to step up on it to make sure you don’t trip over the edge like _last_ time you tried to get on one (goddamn lack of depth perception), and waited for the flash to whisk you away, hoping Karkat was actually _in_ his room so you didn’t have to look for him. There was indeed a flash, but something tried to appear in your space and ended up knocking you backwards on your ass.

Damn it, now who— _Oh shit, what the hell is that?!_

Standing before you was some figure making creepy breathing noises and clad in a strange yellow suit with blinding white light emitting from a visor on its face. It was covered in random splotches of fuchsia as was the blindingly white chainsaw in its right hand, still dripping with the foul liquid.

You froze for a second when it looked down at you, and you may or may not have made a high pitched sound of terror when the dazzling light shooting from its face almost blinded your one good eye. However, it moved its free hand to its head instead of reacting aggressively. 

After gathering some of your wits, you noticed the green cloth fastened around the waist and the shoulders that gave it a needlessly fashionable flair. There was only one person you could think of (well, two now) that would wear something like that, and the Virgo brooch on the chest was pretty much a dead ringer.

“Kanaya?” you gasped as the strange headgear was removed, revealing her luminescent skin and hair, slightly damp with sweat. The glow was a lot less blinding when it wasn’t focused through some strange visor.

“Oh, Sollux. I am sorry for knocking you down. The transportalizers have an annoying habit of doing that,” she said, holding the weird mask under her arm. “I hope I did not startle you too much.”

“Uh, not really,” you said, clearing your throat. “What are you up to?”

She looked at you, lips pressing together as if she was giving her response some thought. “Just indulging a hobby I recently picked up.”

“What kind of hobby includes some weird spooky suit?” you inquired, lifting yourself up to a standing position with your psionics.

“Subterranean landscaping and agriculture.”

You wrinkled your brow and stared at her in disbelief. “Are you serious?” you asked, deadpan.

“I assure you I am quite serious. I found that common mosses and fungi that used to grow in the brooding caverns can also be grown on the meteor, so I am playing around with it to past the time. Things can get incredibly dull here.”

“And the suit?”

She looked down at her apparel, as if she had forgotten she was wearing it. “Oh, right. Spores of some cavernous flora can be potentially harmful if inhaled in great amounts. Jade bloods develop a heightened immunity to the effects after being around it for an extended period of time, but I didn’t receive that opportunity before the game. It’s mainly a precaution until I figure out with the utmost certainty what it is I am growing.” 

That sounded like a load of hoofbeast shit but you weren’t going to press her for the truth. You doubt you would have gotten anything out of her anyway, given your track record for digging up information from everyone else you’ve previously talked to.

If only people were like computers and you could just hack the hell out of their pans like Vriska and her weird loquacious ancestor could. They just get all the luck.

Kanaya stepped off the transportalizer and started towards her own. You made a movement in the direction of the Cancer emblazoned teleporter, but she stuck out her blood covered chainsaw in front of you, blocking your path. Why was it covered in blood if all she was doing was messing with fungus? Whatever the reason, you cringed when the terrible smell wafted into your nasal cavities. As if the fact it was the right shade of fuchsia wasn’t sickening enough.

“I don’t recommend going in there. In fact, I would advise you avoid this room entirely. It is putrid, unsanitary, and unsafe in innumerous ways to anyone without a suit until I can figure out the potency of the spores.”

“Isn’t KK in there?” you asked.

“No, he no longer uses his room, which is why I have commandeered it for my new hobby,” she explained, turning her weapon back to its more portable lipstick form. “He stays in John’s room.”

“And where is that?” Kanaya did that thing with her mouth again when you asked her that question, but she eventually told you where it was, though (thank god). You were getting real tired of secrets, and it felt like the only thing you’ve been doing here was asking questions that nobody was going to answer.

“Now if you are done with your slew of inquiries, I must excuse myself. I need a nice ablution.” She hopped onto her transportalizer, the bulky boots of her suit thumping loudly onto the metal before disappearing in a whisp of light.

Now it was time to go see if Karkat was in a better mood to talk. You are going to find out what was going on if it was the last thing you were going to do. However, before you could decide anything further, you heard John call out to you from down the hallway.

“There you are!” he chirped, floating over to you. “I heard a strange sound from over here. Was that you?”

“There was no such noise. Your stupid round ears don’t work right.”

“Okay, sure,” he said, waving your comment away, “The cookies are pretty much ready, so we should get on the memo now.”

You sighed. “Alright fine, just tell me which one to join and I’m there.”

 

**== > Sollux: Join Memo**

“Skip,” you mumbled to yourself, holding your head in your hand as you continually spun the little mouse wheel. “Skip, skip, don’t care, skip, scroll.” 

The memo you were supposed to join wasn’t difficult to locate, but you were in such an irate mood that you didn’t bother reading anything. You were just scrolling all the way to the bottom where the most recent posts were. When you found it, John from this time had already joined and was pretty much giving you your cue to pop up.

Let’s get this shit over with so you could tend to more important matters, like your fucking cookies.

CURRENT twinArmageddons [CTA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo   
CTA: sup kk   
PCG: I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT ONE COMING.    
PCG: SOLLUX WHY ARE YOU ON THE METEOR?    
CTA: just swinging by f0r a visit with aa.    
CEB: i enlisted his help so we can nip this thing in the bud, using the stupidly confusing timeline applications to stop things as early as possible.    
PEB: great idea! i will use it.    
CEB: you definitely will. B) 

You rolled your pupil-less eyes. Seriously, what _does_ Karkat see in this blue-clad dork?

CTA: just run this code I put t0gether and that’ll handle everything.    
CTA: ceb i sent it to y0u because you have t0 run it from y0ur time period.   
PEB: okay!    
PCG: DUDE, YOU ARE SUCH A TRAITOR. WHY BECOME PART OF THIS SCHEME TO SHUT ME DOWN?    
CEB: oh, karkat, you know i can be highly persuasive!    
PEB: what did you, or i, have to do?    
CEB: don’t worry about it, bro, sollux is easy to talk into it. 

Wow, what a smug asshole.

CTA: and fuck y0u.    
CTA: you just happened t0 catch me in a go0d mo0d, otherwise i w0uldn’t of made y0u shit.    
CEB: hint hint: use the cooooooookies   
PEB: heheheh noted.    
CTA: and fuck your c0okies, t0o, they weren’t that great. 

An obvious lie, that line, because his cookies were amazing. Now you wanted this to be over even sooner so you can collect on your payment.

CEB: blah blah they were good enough that you ate all of them anyway   
CEB: you are the cookie monster. it is you.    
CTA: i have n0 idea what that is.    
PCG: UUUUUUGGGH SHUT THE HELL UP. ALL THREE OF YOU.    
PCG: FUUUUUUUCK.    
PCG: AT LEAST THIS EXPLAINS THE SHORTAGE OF FUTURE ME’S RESPONSES.    
PCG: SINCE JOHN AND KANAYA ARE OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO COLLECTIVELY BECOME MY LUSUS AND ARE REVOKING MY MEMO PRIVILEGES, I SHOULD BE A GOOD LITTLE WIGGLER AND FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO OCCUPY MY FREE TIME.    
CTA: what??    
PCG: GOD, I’M TIRED.    
PCG: WHY AM I SO FUCKING TIRED? I LITERALLY JUST WOKE UP TWO HOURS AGO.    
PCG: I MIGHT CONK OUT AGAIN ANY MOMENT SO I GOTTA MAKE THIS QUICK.    
PCG: I BID YOU ALL A FINAL FUCK YOU.    
PCG: AND SOLLUX EXPECT IN FULL AN ADDITIONAL FUCK YOU, BEST BRO EDITION, FROM FUTURE ME, WHICH IS CURRENT ME FROM WHERE YOU STAND.    
CTA: eheheheh okay kk whatever y0u say.    
PEB: go lie down and i'll bring you something sweet, okay?    
PCG: OKAY.    
PCG: <3   
PEB: <3   
CTA: oh my g0d just stop. 

Eugh, these two are such saps. It’s horrible.

PAST turntechGodhead [CTG] 391 HOURS AGO responded to memo  
PTG: ikr its just so sickening  
PTG: go get a room  
PTG: oh wait you already did  
PTG ceased responding to memo

Whoa, whoa, _whoa_ , what did you just read? This required a double take on your part, and you did another one just for good measure. A wide, nearly toothless grin kicked the occupying frown to the curb as you took in the red text, and it suddenly became clearer to why Karkat was with John (eheheheh).

CTA: HOLY SHIT you guys PAILED????   
PCG: AL;SKDGJAL;SD  
PCG: THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE!   
PCG: LET’S JUST TELL ANYONE WHO SETS FOOT ON THE METEOR WHAT TRANSPIRED BEHIND CLOSED DOORS LIKE IT’S JUST EVERYONES GOD DAMN BUSINESS!   
PCG: HEY LOOK WE’RE FLYING BY SOME RANDOM TENTACLED HORRORTOOL, LET’S TELL HIM WHO FUCKED WHO IN THE LAST SWEEP!   
CTA: there are n0 words t0 describe how hilari0us that is.   
CTA: kk  
CTA: details  
CTA: NOW  
PEB: um, alright then…  
PEB: running the code!   
carcinoGeneticist [CG] is banned from viewing and posting to all memos

Damn. You were hoping to get something out of Karkat before past John ran the code. That’s alright, though, because this was definitely a topic that will come up when you see him. 

“Hey, KK! How’s John in the coon?” you would ask him to see if his face will turn all red. Haha, oh yes, you’re going to grill him _hard_.

CTA: w0w   
CTA: pailing humans, i didn’t think that’d actually become a thing.    
CTA: especially kk of all pe0ple.    
CTA: we can’t leave you kids al0ne for a sec0nd, huh?    
PGA: Thats One Less Thing To Worry About    
PGA: I Somehow Trust He Wont Make Up Additional Aliases Of A Numerical Nature To Bypass The Ban   
CTA: nah i thought 0f that, so i made it imp0ssible for him to access mem0s from his 0wn devices.    
PGA: Even Better

 

This new turn of events has suddenly lifted your half-dead spirits out of the cold depths of your irritated mood enough to actually scroll upwards to the parts that you skipped. There might’ve been some other juicy tidbits that you may have missed. 

After getting up to speed with the entire memo, you found yourself disappointed at the lack of aforementioned tidbits, but also a little worried. Was Karkat sick or something, and what did he mean when he mentioned laying eggs and when he said “blast grubs out of his inflamed netherregions?” That colorful bit of language could be interpreted two different ways, and you didn’t find either image very attractive…

Terezi was obviously interested in something, wanting to “examine” him in, what you figured, an invasive and completely disgusting way (given her tendencies). John and Kanaya also want Karkat to avoid doing things for some unknown reason, treating him like a wiggler who just squirmed out of his cocoon and dripped down onto the cold cave floor covered in metamorphic slime. Things were definitely pointing to him being ill, and it was possible that the reason his horns were red wasn’t because of a simple infection.

It occurred to you that you could pry some info out of their past counter parts, so let’s see how that works.

CTA: now that that’s d0ne, can one 0f you tell me what’s really g0ing on with kk?   
CTA: and what’s this business with grubs i'm reading?   
PGA: I Would Believe Future Me Would Be Better Versed Than I Am Currently   
PGA: So I Suggest Asking Her  
PGA ceased responding to memo  
CTA: wait  
PEB: yeah, ask future us! it feels sort of silly to explain things when you have better answerers right next to you.   
PEB ceased responding to memo.  
CEB: uh  
CEB ceased responding to memo.  
CTA: 0h what the fuck  
CTA: i already asked your c0llective future asses and no 0ne will tell me!   
CTA: all you did was absc0nd from the topic.   
CTA: see if i d0 anything for y0u jerks again! 

CTA closed memo.

Auuughh!! You were _this_ close to pulling your hair out then blasting a huge hole into the computer moniter! Why the fuck do you even bother with these guys!? 

Regardless of cagey, migraine-inducing “friends,” this required further investigation. Unfortunately, a more hands on approach was necessary, since everybody seemed to want to keep all of their secrets within their little “meteor club.” If something really _was_ wrong with Karkat, you wanted to at least know if there was something you could do to help him instead of flailing uselessly around in the dark.

You stood up with determination and headed towards John’s room. He and Karkat had some explaining to do.


	19. Chapter 19

**== > John: Retire to Room**

Haha, ooooh yeah. You were feeling really good right now. The cake bomb prank you pulled on yourself scored you so many points, you’re not sure if your gambit can handle them! It might be time to upgrade the maximum capacity again.

All in all, the prank itself was fairly simple, and you were surprised it took you so long to figure it out! It didn’t really occur to you until you threw the smoke ball at Dave back when Kanaya returned with that gross purple meat. All it took was putting an orb of compressed air into the cake then captchalogueing it before it decompressed. Simple and effective. You only wish you could’ve seen your face, but you had a general idea what it looked like since you, well, already made the face yourself.

With that done, it was time to go check up on Karkat.

You turned in front of your door, pressed the little mechanism on the side, and waited for it to slide open. It did not, so you figured he must’ve locked it so no one could disturb him.

That wasn’t a problem. In fact, it was actually fortunate because you had an excuse to turn into air again! This ability is just so much fun, and it has already proved itself more useful beyond anything else in your prankster’s arsenal. It’s like being a ghost, but not really! It’s kind of hard to explain. You couldn’t actually go through things, but you fit through small spaces, flew around, and you were basically invisible. Nobody really knows where you are unless you decide to blow too hard and rustle things around. You had a sneaking suspicion Terezi could still smell you, though. That required more testing.

You focused, relaxing your body as it slowly transformed and seemingly faded out of existence. Once you were intangible, you blew upwards and through a nearby vent, quickly and silently navigating to the one in your room. 

It still felt really weird to float around with your molecules unbound and free. Hell, you didn’t even sense your surroundings the same, yet you were able to figure out your surroundings through some strange sense of touch and a connection with regular air while you took this form.

When you arrived at your destination, you were pleasantly surprised to see that Karkat was awake. Usually, after eating, he would fall asleep in your bed before you could finish cleaning up the kitchen. It really limited any time you could have just to hang out, since you’re usually making him something to eat when he’s up.

You continued to stay invisible, deciding to observe your boyfriend for a minute or two (which is pretty much as long as you could stay formless at this point). He was sitting up on the bed, his back against the headboard, and he had his shirt rolled up so his stomach was exposed as he poked and prodded it with a strange fascination. What was he doing? He looked completely focused on his inspection, pressing his lips together almost nervously as if he was expecting something to happen whenever he touched his lower abdomen.

It looked like he’s grown a bit down there, too.

In any case, you decided to make yourself known, gathering to a spot floating just over him and quickly returning to your original form.

“Boo!”

He screamed and, before you could enjoy his expression for more than a split second, a gray blur smacked you across your left cheek so hard, you spun in the air at least three times before you could gather your wits enough to will yourself to stop.

“Holy grubfucking shit, John!” he exclaimed, “What possessed you to think that sneaking up on me and exclaiming ‘boo’ was a good idea!? Were you _looking_ for a reason to get that abandoned sponge tray you call a head knocked off!?” He was shaking his right hand as if it stung, clearly indicating that he pretty much punched the ever-loving shit out of you when you scared him.

Fuck, his punches really, really do hurt.

“Last time I spooked you, you didn’t punch me like that! Ow!”

“Then maybe you’ll actually learn something this time around! I hope I smashed some of that quintessential thing-you-sorely-lack called common sense into your brain.”

“What were you doing that had you so on edge, anyway?” you asked, letting his words roll off of you. You rubbed your cheek and made sure your jaw was in place. All teeth were accounted for, too. 

“Nothing.” He pulled his shirt down all the way and crossed his arms under his chest, avoiding your gaze. “Don’t worry about it.” He should know better by now that you were going to worry regardless.

You drifted over to his side and let yourself drop beside him on the bed. “It looked like you were pretty occupied with something. Do you have a belly ache? Any pain?”

He shook his head. “No, I was just… checking for something.”

“Checking for what?”

“I don’t know. Just some sort of sign, I guess.”

You couldn’t really parse what he was getting at. “I’m not following.”

He made a frustrated groan as he slid forward so he could lay down flat on his back. “Let me see how I can explain this. I’m having a hard time just taking this in, no matter how often I roll it around in my pan.”

“Well the book says-“

“I know what the book says!” he interjected. “You and Kanaya keep reminding me what’s in that stupid thing.”

“If you read it a bit more and learned about what’s going on, then maybe you’ll understand,” you reasoned. You never quite understood why he didn’t just take the thing and learn as much as he needed about the situation. It would probably help him feel at ease to know exactly what was happening.

“It’s just… I keep thinking that if I read it I’ll come to a page that says ‘Haha just kidding stupid asshole.’ This stuff doesn’t make sense to me, because this _isn’t_ normal, unlike it is for you humans. I don’t understand how Kanaya buys into this shit so easily.” 

That was something you could sort of understand. The Alternian empire made sure that no one knew about the non-mothergrub method of reproduction, so it’s still a shocker to him, despite its basically what he’s going through.

You hummed contemplatively as you lay down on your side, draping an arm over his torso. “I guess I can understand where you’re coming from, but maybe you can think of it this way.” He looked down at your hand, now moving in slow circles over his belly. “We’ll just treat this how we have been. Worst case scenario, this is all just a huge dumb joke, meaning Kanaya and I are kinda wasting our time and you’re just being a greedy butt!” You punctuate your silly attempt to reassure him with a light pat to his tummy.

His head fell back and he sighed at the ceiling. “That alternative does not make me feel better in the least. In fact, it sounds even more unbearably pathetic.”

“Are you scared?” you asked after studying the unease on his face. The answer seemed to be a no-brainer, but you felt you needed to ask.

“A little,” he conceded. “I think about the fact that there are _grubs_ growing in me, and I have flashbacks of when I created those twenty-four wigglers back in the ectobiology lab and sort of freak out. Then I get even _more_ weirded out thinking about how I— how we all, were equipped to be a walking grub factory from the get go!”

“Are grubs really that terrifying?” you wondered out loud.

“Uh, not really. I guess I overreacted a bit, but still…” He closed his eyes and shuddered. “They just squirm around, make weird squeaky noises, and try to eat everything! It’s just really fucking gross and I was _so_ fucking glad when I sent them on their merry way to be the assholes they were meant to be.”

You chuckled as you scooted a little closer to him and raised his shirt back up, earning a puzzled look from him. Paying it no mind, you pressed both hands to either side of his belly, applying a bit of pressure. While Karkat had put on weight, there was still noticeable firmness to it.

“Hm,” you hummed.

“What are you doing?”

“I dunno if it’s the same with you guys, but I’ve felt a pregnant belly before when I was younger,” you began. “Feels kinda similar.” 

“Is that supposed to be reassuring, knowing that as a wiggler you went around groping gravid bellies on women?”

“Wow, way to make it sound dumb and creepy!” You grinned, lowering your ear to the curve of his stomach. 

“Okay, now you’re being weird. What are you doing now?”

You shushed him. “Listening!”

“Doubt you’ll hear anything except my digestive system working overtime on whatever I shoved down my chute in the last few hours.” He was right about that, but the good news it sounded like everything was in tip top shape down there! Hehehe. 

He sighed again when you lifted your head back up and pulled his shirt down. Your cheek started stinging something fierce, and it felt like it was swelling. Whatever face you were making seemed to tip him off to your discomfort.

“Let me see,” Karkat said as he moved to sit on his knees. He gently took your face in his hand and turned your head so he could see the side he assaulted with his deadly right hook. “Fuck, that’s going to be a magnificent bruise.”

You smiled mischievously. “Can you kiss it and make it feel better?”

“What?”

“Please?”

He gave you a sour look, but he started leaning forward anyway. Right when he almost made contact, you turned your head and caught his lips with yours. His shock dissipated quickly, and the kiss lasted for several moments longer than you predicted it would.

“If that’s what you wanted,” he began after slowly breaking the kiss, “you could’ve just said so.”

“Feel better?” you breathed against his lips.

“Shouldn’t I be asking _you_ that?”

You opted to kiss him again instead of answering. He scooted closer and wrapped his arms around your neck. It felt great, since you haven’t had a full blown make-out session in quite a while. He spent so long being sick before (and sleeping now) that you never had the chance besides a smooch here and there.

“I know a way you can help me feel even better,” he whispered seductively. It took a moment for it to register.

“Are you propositioning-“

“Yes, I am,” he interrupted, chuckling, “quick on the uptake today, eh, John?”

“Hey!” you exclaimed in mock irritation, wrapping your arms around his waist to pull him even closer so he’s almost on your lap. “I’ll have you know that I have a bucket in my sylladex _right now_.”

“Is that so?”

“I just finished mopping the kitchen with bleach, too.”

“You perverted bastard.”

Your hands traveled up his shirt, caressing his sides as your mouth moved to tend to his jaw. Karkat made a faint sound of pleasure and his hips jerked subtly.

“Hey, hold on a second,” he gasped out. He put his hands on your shoulders to put enough distance between you to deny you access to his sensitive neck, and looked at you very seriously. “If we do this, I swear to god, I will kick your exposed globes again if you decide to sound like you’re blasting off when you finish like _last_ time.”

Oh you can’t be serious. Is he _ever_ going to let you live that down!?

“Oh my god, Karkat!” you groaned angrily. “How many times are you going to bring that up!?” 

“I’m just fucking saying! Who the hell goes “pchooo” when they come?”

Your face went beet red. “I barely even remember saying it!”

“Because you were just _so_ far gone into the throes of orgasm to notice! It’s so god damn ridiculous, I wake up randomly in fits of hysterical laughter!” He made the sound again and snaked one hand through the air between you, mimicking a directionally challenged rocket ship.

You grumbled and let go of his waist, letting him fall backwards onto the bed. Karkat clearly couldn’t hide his amusement any longer, a huge grin plastered across his face, and he nearly fell into fit of giggles when you crawled over him, lowering yourself until you were effectively pinning him with your body. You were sure not to let your full weight press down on him, though.

“You know you’re a little shit, right?” you whisper as you started kissing his neck.

“Wow, John, making fun of my height? So class-“ His breath hitched and he fisted a hand in your hair when you nipped at the skin just under his jaw-line. “Oh fuck.”

His neck was one of your go-to spots. Yours was sensitive, too—just not in the same way. While necking Karkat seemed to turn him on as easily as flicking a light switch, him doing anything with his mouth to your neck area turned you into an embarrassing, giggling mess.

You continued tending to the area between his jaw and collarbone, listening to his quickening breaths and the beginnings of that gratifying sound emitting from his chest. He hasn’t purred like that in a long time either, so it was nice to know you were making him feel good.

When you lifted yourself up so that you were sort of looming over him, he took the opportunity to start fumbling with your pants. Before he got the button undone, there was a loud bang on your door.

“KK, are you in there?” You both froze.

“Oh fuck, its Sollux,” Karkat whispered hitting his forehead with the heel of his palm.

“KK, we need to _talk_.” It sounded like it was urgent, whatever it was.

“Should we just let him in?” you whispered back to Karkat, still eyeing the door.

“ _No._ He’ll probably leave if we stay quiet. At least I _hope_ he does. If he wanted to, he could probably just blast a hole in the wall.”

“He can do that?” you said a little too loudly in your shock. He covered your mouth with his palm, bringing the index finger of his other hand to his own mouth to shush you.

Sollux continued his harsh knocking and calling out to Karkat using that two letter nickname he was so fond of, while all you could really think about was the possibility of your door being blasted out of its arch and Karkat getting hurt in the process. That was scary to think about! It didn’t register that you were pressing your body down to cover your boyfriend protectively. 

Finally, after about a minute, Sollux stopped banging on the door and groaned in frustration.

“Damn it, he’s probably not in there.” There was a slight pause, but neither of you moved or made a sound. “Oh, hey,” you heard him say dryly. “Uh, do you happen to know if KK is in there?” 

During the next pause, you glanced down at Karkat and he in turn flicked his eyes up at you before turning them back towards the door.

“Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t know.”

“I think he’s talking to the Mayor,” you whispered against Karkat. Neither of you heard any voices (well, at least _you_ didn’t), so it seemed like the most likely scenario. He talks to everyone using body gestures and the little portable device Dave made for him, so conversations without seeing him or who he was talking to always sounded one-sided.

As the two continued conversing outside your door, you just enjoyed the warmth of the troll under you, nuzzling your cheek against his. He still tried to stay still and quiet, keeping his attention trained to the half of a conversation coming from outside your room, but he moaned when you ground your hips down against him. The little swivel earned you harmless sock to your shoulder, accompanied by a red-faced scowl and the silent question of “wow, really, John?” for good measure. You just smiled at him, held back a fit of giggles, and buried your nose in his messy hair, sniffing his scent that becomes oh-so irresistible whenever your sloppy make-outs got a little more serious.

“Okay, that sounds like a really dumb idea,” the half-dead troll said dismissively, leading you to wonder what the good Mayor was suggesting. “Why would I even do that? Ugh, anyway, thanks for trying to help, I guess. I’ll just go look for him elsewhere.” 

You both stayed quiet just a moment longer to make sure Sollux was gone before Karkat decided to let go of some his tension.

“He probably just wants to know what’s up with you,” you said before pecking him on the lips.

“I know,” he responded pitifully, “I don’t really want to think about having to tell him right now.”

“Hehe, okay. But still, you should try to relax.”

He agreed silently, closing his eyes and helping you continue where you both left off. You went back to tending to your go-to spot, feeling him writhe and listening to him moan and whimper underneath you. You felt him grow hotter and he opened his legs, allowing you to press yourself deeper into that sinfully inviting warmth. You both were still completely clothed, but the heat was just so immense that your thoughts were already starting to swirl.

You raised the hem of his shirt and planted kisses on his chest, still alert to the lovely sounds emitting from there. He whimpered when you licked at his dark nipple, and you rewarded him with a moan when his hand traveled up your hoodie.

Soon, his quick breaths started to slow and his hands were losing their grasp on you, but you paid it no mind. You didn’t really start feeling vexed until the heat that had you so enraptured began to subside.

“Karkat?” you breathed, looking up at him. “Karkat, buddy, you okay?” He didn’t move, and his arms fell to the side slowly. This was worrisome, but it would’ve been more so if it wasn’t for his easy breathing and the slow rise and fall of his chest. You crawled up to look at his face and _oh my god, he was asleep._

He was supposed to relax, but not _that_ fucking much!

 

**== > Be Karkat**

That wasn’t a very productive idea, because Karkat is now in a deep, relaxing, and possibly hormone-induced slumber. Of course, once he wakes to find out that he fell asleep trying to pail his matesprit, he will be _far_ from relaxed. 

John will probably never let him live this down and this will be added to the long list of things past Karkat would be blamed for. Forever. Good job boys, you’re two-for-two when it comes to sexual fuck ups.

 

**== > Continue being John**

It was hard to tell whether or not you should be greatly amused by this or just a little upset. On one hand, this was pretty funny. Karkat totally just conked out while you two were getting frisky. On the other, you were in the process of pitching the tent, but denied the spot where you were going to set up camp. There were no happy campers here. None whatsoever.

It took a moment to remember that this was just something Karkat did, being “troll pregnant” and everything, so you couldn’t stay mad at him. This was pretty much a direct result from when you and he did this _last_ time. However, last time was hands down a lot more fun and sexy (rocket takeoff noises notwithstanding… you totally made up for that, you swear!).

He looked so peaceful with his mouth half open, purring contently as you gently rubbed his tummy as he slept. That was another thing you could stow away in your “things Karkat likes but will probably never ever admit” folder. It was calming, and you could probably lay here for hours just listening to him as he slept.

The time given to calm your libido also gave you the opportunity to think whether or not the two of you should be doing this. Despite being one of three relative experts on human pregnancy, you weren’t quite schooled on all of the “dos and do nots” pertaining to activities one could partake in with their pregnant partner. Did pregnant people even _have_ sex? Frankly, you had no idea, and none of the movies you could currently bring to mind had anything in them that could answer this (it’s not like many movies you watched revolved around pregnancy in the _first_ place besides, like, _Juno_ or something). Even if you _did_ have an answer to this dilemma, there’s no telling whether or not it would translate to a similar answer when it came to troll pregnancy.

You didn’t want to unintentionally mess things up, especially after seeing Kanaya’s fervor in making preparations. Also, she has a chainsaw. You don’t anger people with chainsaws.

Ugh, all of this thinking was giving you a headache. It would probably be a good idea to see if the big book had anything on the subject. Mr. Funnytroll was sure to have some choice words on it. You’ve already read most of the pertinent parts, but that weird alien script made it more difficult than you would have liked and it’s still possible you could misunderstand or miss things completely, despite the progress you’ve made over the last two years learning it. Rose and Kanaya may already know the answer, so it might be a better to—

No wait, that’s a terrible idea. How would you even go about asking something like that? “Quick question, Rose! Karkat and I want to _do it_ again, do you know if that’s a thing that could happen?” You blushed and shook your head at that scenario. What were you even thinking?

If Karkat decided he wanted to have another go, you didn’t want to upset him by outright refusing on such unsure grounds, so you’re going to have to buckle down and read through “Troll Reproduction for Assholes” eventually.

Jeez, trying to be the responsible father-to-be was _so much work_.

Suddenly, Karkat stirred, his eyelids fluttering before yawning deeply and raising his arms above his head in a stretch. His half-lidded eyes, still heavy from sleep, glanced around before ultimately stopping on you.

“Hey, enjoy your nap?” you asked, smiling softly. He was only asleep for about ten or so minutes, but whatever.

“I guess,” he sighed. He stretched again, this time arching his back. “What was I doing?”

“Well…” you started, drawling out the word while your eyes rolled up and to the side in feigned innocence. He blinked at you, confused, before stiffening.

“Wait, did I just—“

“Yep,” you answered quickly.

“When we were about to—“

“Pretty much!” 

To get something straight, this conversation started off with you planning to rib on him a bit, maybe telling him you were now even in the “embarrassing sex things” category, and possibly sharing a laugh! But the growing look of horror on his face told you things weren’t going to end up that way.

“Oh my god.” His eyes widened and he started shaking. “Oh my god oh my god OH MY FUCKING GOD.”

Uh oh.

“Are you _kidding_ me!” he yelled, crossing his arms over his face.

“Karkat, it’s not that big of a deal.” He ignored your words and turned onto his side, facing away from you.

“Of all of the god damn times to fall asleep, I cannot believe it had to be then and there! I am the worst piece of reproducing garbage on this meteor—“

“Hey, wait a sec—“ You sat up and reached out to touch him, but he just curled into a tighter ball and yanked your ghost sheets over to cover himself completely.

“I deserve to be thrown under the fucking communal transportation trolley and backed up over at _least_ three times because I clearly cannot do anything intimate without it ending in some repulsive variation of a total disaster! What is _wrong_ with me?!” 

He was past the point of no return, and anything you say would probably be ignored as his tirade dragged on and he screeched into the bed sheets. You just sat on your heels, wringing your hands uselessly as you waited for the long stream of diatribes aimed at himself to end. 

The last time he freaked out, you ended up meeting your dad in a dream bubble and having to walk funny for a day. That instance combined with the lingering sting felt on the left side of your face made you more than a little cautious to get involved. You tried to keep Karkat-related injuries to your person to a minimum of one a day if you could help it.

You wondered if Gamzee had to the ability to stop something like this with clown troll diamond magic and walk away unscathed.

Eventually, he did calm down, going quiet, and it looked safe to approach the ball of anger buried in the sheets. You just had to get past the force field of deep, black, self-hatred. It’s not an easy feat, but you’ve done it before with varying success.

“You okay now?” you inquired cautiously. 

“Nooooo.” That was nearly a whine and—wait, was he crying? There was a sob and a sniffle, so yes, he was crying.

“Karkat?” 

“Go away.” 

“I most certainly will not,” you replied. “I’m not gonna leave you crying like this.”

“I can’t... I can’t stop…” he hiccupped.

Oh. He must’ve gotten too upset and now his hormones are going haywire, throwing him off the emotional deep end. Hoo boy. 

You scooted closer to him and pulled the bundle of sheets that is your boyfriend closer. He murmured something along the lines of “I’m a terrible excuse for matesprit” or something, curling into an even tighter ball. It baffled you how much he could curl into himself.

You shushed, him, petting his back softly. “Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter, okay? We can always do boyfriend stuff later.”

A muffled groan escaped under the sheets. “I’m so fucking pathetic I have you flipping pale on me! It just keeps getting worse!”

God dammit, Karkat… Leave it to him to make himself feel worse when you try to help him feel better. 

“Just think of it as stuff human boyfriends do,” you reasoned. He made another pitiful sound in between gasps and more sniffling. Jeez, watching Karkat have a conniption was tiring, and you were starting to feel the effects of not sleeping for two days. You both needed a nap.

When he finally loosened his grasp on the sheets you took the opportunity to pull part of it over yourself to get comfortable while shifting your outfit into a thin tee-shirt and sleeping shorts. Both were made by Kanaya after she got your measurements, and she literally threw new stuff at you on a regular basis. She worked quickly, and there are a lot of things you haven’t even worn yet.

You nuzzled up to his back, kissing his hair when you heard him say, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, so shush,” you said softly, “only napping now.” You had almost settled in to doze off, but Karkat turned in your arms and buried his head into your chest. You could feel him starting to truly calm down now. Smiling, you readjusted easily, and you both were out in no more than a minute.

 

**== > Sollux: Infiltrate John’s respiteblock**

This was a horrible idea. You must have had a lapse of intelligence to think this was a good idea, but here you were, crawling through the ventilation system after finding a map of it by hacking the laboratory files. You instantly regretted taking this ridiculous suggestion given to you by the Mayor.

Doof!

“God fucking dammit!” you swore, the words echoing down the corridors despite your attempt to keep them at a whisper. For the third time, you ran into the wall when the vent turned a corner.

Fuck your lack of depth position with an overgrown desert cactus covered in rusty nails that were also on fire, if such a thing could exist.

You never realized how much you took depth perception for granted until it started becoming relevant again outside dream bubbles. When you saw the thin horizontal rays of dim light at the end of this tunnel, you felt relief knowing that you were almost there. 

And then you ran into the grate. Fuck!

As you stuck your fingers through the slits in the metal to find where the screws were, you wondered if it would have been better if you had just blasted a fucking hole in John’s wall, or willed his door to implode on itself. If no one was in, someone getting hurt wasn’t an issue. It’s just that you weren’t _absolutely sure_ no one was actually in there. For all you knew, Karkat was just being a complete asshole and ignored you. You doubted that at first because you figured he would’ve yelled at you for being “a rude waste of space who doesn’t know how to knock on a door without making it look like you were mad at him for taking a shit on your dead lusus’ corpse.”

So you took the safe route and decided to not blow stuff up… at least not yet. You were still dead set on trying to find some clue to what was going on, but getting Karkat hurt in the process wasn’t preferable, especially since he might be sick. 

You furrowed your brow as you concentrated, using your psionics to twist each and every screw until you felt the weight of the grate fall in your hands. You lifted that up with your mind, too, tracing it in that soft white glow before sticking your head out to observe your surroundings.

Oh look, there’s John and Karkat all snuggled up and asleep in the bed.

You wondered how long they were in here as you set the screws and grate silently on the ground. They could’ve just gotten in after your little scene outside the door, or they could’ve been jerks and stayed quiet while you banged on the door like an imbecile. There was the chance they slept through it, but they’d have to be pretty heavy sleepers.

This vent was pretty high on the wall, so you floated yourself out and kept yourself aloft to avoid making any noise. John’s room was plain, but very well kept. He must be just as tidy with his room as he is with the kitchen. Karkat must have done very little in influencing the layout since there was hardly any sign of his tastes except a pile of random things near the bed. Perhaps he just didn’t care.

With both of them sleeping, you weren’t going to get much accomplished, so you started to think this was an even bigger waste of time than before. If the room was empty, you could’ve at least set yourself on his pile and face the door until he returned, like a lusus who’s wiggler was out past curfew. As things stood, there wasn’t anything that you could see that gave you any clues to what was going on. There was John’s computer you could hack into, but you could do that at anytime from anywhere, and made a mental note to do so. Tapping away on the keyboard while they slept wasn’t a particular smart decision (not that you’ve been making smart decisions today).

You hovered over the soft plateau the humans called a bed and looked down at the couple.

Jeez, Karkat looked positively _coddled_ the way John was holding him, and you were able to see how much bigger John was compared to Karkat by the way he was eclipsing him all protectively with his body. You guessed it was nice to see Karkat looking somewhat content, all wrapped up in limbs and sheets, and he was sleeping more soundly than you’ve ever seen him sleep. Hell, it looked like the nicest sleep you’ve seen _anyone_ get, but something just didn’t sit well with you.

“Coddled,” you thought to yourself, mouthing the word silently as you tossed the word around in your pan

You took a lounging position, folding your hands behind your head as you kept yourself afloat, thinking about some of the things you heard from the pre-scratch trolls. To them, to be culled wasn’t the same thing as it was back on Alternia. 

You were sifting through the paltry knowledge of human culture you learned in the past sweep when something cold and metallic pressed against the back of your neck. Before you could even hiss at the contact, it pulled back, catching your shirt and flipping you backwards in the air until you were upside down and meeting a pair of red shades and a devilish grin with your one working eye. 

“Sollux, are you planning on making this a habit, or are you just satisfying your little obsession by getting in my way at least twice?” Terezi’s words were probably meant to sound irate, but her tone and expression showed nothing but amusement. You also saw that she had hooked your shirt with the end of her cane.

“How did you get in here?” you asked, trying to keep your voice down. Well aware that you were throwing her inquiry aside, she cocked her hip and tipped her head towards the open vent. Oh, right.

“Duuurrr, Sollux!” she mocked almost too loudly. You glanced over at the bed, making sure neither of its occupants stirred before turning back to Terezi.

“What the hell are you doing in here, anyway?”

“Strange, I could ask you the same thing,” she returned. She removed her cane from your shirt collar so you could right yourself and land softly on the ground. “I’m here on my daily instigation runs and futile attempts at information gathering. What manner of business do _you_ have with this lovely couple?”

“Just trying to figure what the hell is going on! There’s some secret everyone is keeping from me and I’m going to figure out just what the fuck it is.”

“No one’s told you, huh?” she stated with raised brows, genuinely intrigued.

“I’m here thinking KK is sick and I’m sneaking through fucking vents just try to find some clues! How insane is that!?” Her hands overlapped on the dragon head of her cane as she leaned on it. She was obviously debating something in her pan as she listened to your hushed ramblings. “Now I’m starting to think he’s been culled by humans or something.”

“Culled?” she repeated, her mouth twisting with confusion. She turned to look at Karkat, then back to you, the unnecessary gesture performed solely to show you just how ridiculous your notion was. “Appleberry, look at him. That is the furthest thing from being culled I can even imagine. This is the antithesis of culled and the reason, his personal wall of meat, has been the bane of my exploits since day one.” She smiled, almost cackling under her breath. “John’s quite the obstacle and he won’t let me near him!”

“Wait, no, that’s not what I meant,” you said, shaking your head. “I guess you guys haven’t heard about it yet, but that word has a different meaning where- hrrk!“

Once again, something pulled at your shirt from behind, this time lifting you several inches into the air and threatening to close your airway with your collar. Terezi’s gagging indicated that she was suffering from the same predicament.

“Karkat’s personal wall of meat would like to request that you both shut the fuck up and _get the fuck out_ ,” John said, his agitation clear. The human was effortlessly lifting both you up by the collars of your shirts in an impressive feat of mangrit. “Are you guys really having a conversation when people are trying to sleep? And how the hell did you get in here anyway?”

You and Terezi glanced up at the open vent. John followed your gazes, or at least tried to. He had to squint because he didn’t have his glasses on.

“You guys are unbelievable,” he sighed.

“John, you sound frustrated,” Terezi teased, “something not go your way this evening?”

He blinked before responding cryptically with “that’s none of your business.” He padded towards the door with you and Terezi in tow. The door opened after he kicked the panel with a bare foot, allowing him to chuck both of you out into the hall in front of a startled Kanaya who soon shook her head disapprovingly. John squinted at her, her glow probably stinging his sleep heavy eyes, before inviting her in.

“I see that I may have taken a moment too long with my hygienic rituals,” she observed as she passed you. She smelled heavily of flowery soaps and weird perfume.

“It’s okay, I probably should’ve waited until you got here before falling asleep,” John responded, yawning loudly. “Keep an eye on the vent, please? They seem to crawl around there like rats now.”

“Noted.”

The door closed, leaving both you and Terezi alone in the hallway to dust yourselves off.

“Sollux! Why’d you stay quiet like a chastised wiggler? You could’ve taken him!” she whined, bopping you playfully on your scrawny shoulder.

You creased your brow at her and rubbed where she hit you. “What?”

“You could’ve had him pinned with psionics while I did my thing!”

“I was getting choked by my shirt collar. I’m so sorry my apparent need for air surprises you!” You sighed in defeat, an upsetting thought now occurring to you. “I guess I kind of deserve this.” You let your head fall into your arms, now crossed over knees that were brought up to your chest. “KK must really hate me for leaving, since he doesn’t trust me enough to tell me what’s up. I can understand. Who _would_ stay friends with some asshole who ditches him and doesn’t visit for over a sweep? I probably wouldn’t be friends with myself either. ”

Maybe he was just being civil earlier, and maybe what you took as him being mellow was just him thinking you weren’t worth the effort having a back and forth with like old times. It would explain why he ditched you in the hallway to be caught in Terezi’s net trap.

“Oh, Sollux,” She began, trace amounts of sympathy in her voice, “Karkat is just being… _himself_ right now. I’m sure you’re still the best of friends, whatever that entailed!”

“Maybe, but I don’t know anymore. I’m just a terrible friend.” You sighed again, letting the silence hang between you before she broke it with a tap to your shoulder from her cane. 

“Hey, stop moping and come with me. I’ve already had my fill of moody not-very-cool kids stuffing up the place, so I’m going to show you something.” You raised a questioning eyebrow at her and found the grin she was cultivating strangely reassuring, if not a little worrying. 

She must’ve deemed your movements too slow by the way she grabbed your arm and pulled you towards the transportalizers. Before you could ask where you were going, she said “I know just the thing to fill you in on current events!”

You probably should have felt relieved that _someone_ agreed to divulge some god damn information, but you had a gut feeling that it wouldn’t be so simple.


	20. Chapter 20

**== > Dave: Shit, let's be productive**

With a final stroke of dark gray chalk, your latest project was completed. Well, the line work was. There were still quite a few panels that needed to be colored in, and the Mayor was just now starting on the second one.

The large stepladder wobbled precariously as the carapacian stood on his toes to reach one of the higher parts of the massive comic drawn on the wall, and you stuck a hand out to steady it. He was such a good assistant. Clumsy, but good. It would probably be best if you switched places with him, since you’re a good bit taller than he is, and being able to fly made the stepladder pretty much unnecessary.

As of late, you’ve been taking to drawing to pass the time and enjoying the Mayor and Serenity’s quiet company. You looked to your left down the corridor, eyeing the pictures and comics covering the right wall, all drawn in your trademark SBHJ style. Before lingering on them for too long, you quickly refocused yourself on your current piece. Looking at the past drawings made you grimace, because they were all basically done to vent your frustrations from the past few months. 

God forbid Rose decided to take a stroll through Terezi’s transportalizer. Happening across this hallway would be like finding a gold mine to her—a gold mine consisting of windows into your psyche. It didn’t occur to you that you were displaying yourself to the minds of the psychologically aware until the Mayor made a particularly astute observation with one of your later works. 

WV: This is quite a nice addition to your collection of representations of the current happenings with our friends. –IVI/-\Y()&

_“What are you talking about?” you replied with a brow raised above your shades._

WV: This one, just like the last two, are heavy with the infant jokes, which is to my understanding a mirror to what young John and his shouty partner are going through. –IVI/-\Y()&

_You looked back at your picture and muttered “shit” under your breath as you were overcome with realization. Darn that Mayor and his moments of acumen!_

The drawing continued, despite your new awareness, because, hell, this was cathartic and it was a nice change from spending most of your day plotting ways to mess with Karkat and counter-prank John. You still go on the occasional run with Terezi, but you figured there’s not much of a point if you never succeeded anyway. It was puzzling how each attempt was foiled one way or the other, like it was not meant to be, but Terezi has yet to be fazed by her repeated failures. 

“Hey, Mr. Mayor,” you called to him. “Start coloring the ones down here and I’ll handle the higher panels. Don’t want you having another nasty spill.” He gave you an “okay” with his fingers before starting his way down the ladder. It was then when Terezi and Sollux came around the corner.

“Dave! I see that you’re almost finished with this one. Perfect timing!”

“Perfect timing for what?” She ignored your question and pointed to the wall.

“Alright, read this, Sollux,” she commanded. The troll gave you a confused glance before turning his eye to the beginning of the wall comic.

Terezi stood confidently with her hands behind her back, as if she just solved the meteor’s problems in a single swoop. At the very least, she would’ve solved Sollux’s problems if your thinking was right. This latest comic was a little more… literal, when representing what was going on, since you decided to just get as much of it out of your system in one go after realizing that your subconscious was guiding your inspiration. You’re not sure if it worked that way, but it was worth a go and, if little else, you could pass it off as being ironic. Maybe. 

Okay, probably not.

With a resigned shrug, you levitated yourself up and withdrew a brand new piece of blue chalk to color where the Mayor left off. You focused the necessary attention to coloring, but it wasn’t mentally taxing enough to keep you from thinking about what was running through Sollux’s “pan” as he read your comic.

You took a peek above the upper rim of your shades, looking at the first panel where two figures, one blue and the other clad in dark gray with lighter gray skin (complete with a permanent scowl) facing each other. It was obvious who they were to anyone who looked upon them.

“hey krakat, let’s do the thing,” suggested the ironically poorly drawn figure clad in blue. 

“DO YOU MEAN...” the shorter gray one trailed off.

The next panel zoomed onto the lips of the former as he whispered, “let us do _bucket things_ ,” thoroughly scandalizing the latter. Readers may not have been able to see the look of complete scandal on his angry face, but it was there.

The next handful of panels depicted the two trying and failing to fit together in whatever way they’re supposed to.

“NO, FUCKASS, FLEP YOUR WIERD HUMAN BULGE TURNWAYS.”

“aha scucess!” the blue figure exclaimed, “i have located the weird troll vajayjay.”

The next panel is an explosion of red and a flurry of terribly rendered buckets with the word “pchoo” drawn diagonally across the frame. You smirked at yourself, thinking how fucking hilarious it would be if someone actually exclaimed that during sex. You would probably drop dead from secondary embarrassment. Of course, this would be after dropping dead at least twice from laughing your ass off. Too bad nobody was dumb enough to yell such ridiculous onomatopoeia at such a moment. You could tell Sollux was there when his face scrunched up in that universal, nonverbal exclamation of “what the hell is this?”

The final panel ended the masterpiece with the line “AND SUDDENLY BABIES” plastered over the two main characters, covered with a myriad of horrible looking offspring.

The fucking end.

You were not playing when you decided to draw this as a literal interpretation, but, god, this comic was so terrible. At least you had fun.

“Do you understand, now, Appleberry Blast?” Terezi inquired.

“ _Fuck_ no,” Sollux yelled angrily. “You bring me to an idiotic scribbling of terrible pornography and expect me to learn something from it? I don’t even understand what’s going on in the last panel! What the fuck are those little things?”

“I would think it was pretty self-explanatory,” she said.

“I would think you were full of shit.”

“Blaarg, fine, I’ll give you the slightly more in depth explanation, but first—“

“Oh god, here it comes…”

“I will require your participation on a future endeavor!”

He sighed heavily. “Fine. Since the entire purpose of my visit seems to be pointing towards fulfilling favors, what do you want and when do you want it?” 

“Don’t know yet,” she grinned. “It’s still in the works.”

“So you’re just going to call in a favor at some random moment in the future? I don’t even think that would be wise on your part because I’m not entirely sure I’m going to be here for that long. Aradia could be ready to fly off at any moment.”

The mention of his big-haired, maroon friend reminded you that she had asked you for a favor of her own.

“Yo, Sollux.” You tossed a device at the troll when he turned to look up at you and he caught it sweetly with nothing but a glow of gray light. “Your girlfriend said to troll her.”

He looked at you incredulously before tapping his login information into the portable electronic, allowing you to return to your coloring.

 

**== >**

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA].

TA: hey   
AA: hey there!    
AA: how are you enjoying your visit?    
TA: it’s like twice as aggravating and cagey than i first expected it to be.    
TA: s0 it’s been pretty horrible.    
AA: im sure its not as bad as youre making it out to be   
AA: i heard you had some nice cookies   
TA: the 0nly redeeming factor s0 far.    
TA: are you alm0st done with whatever it is y0u came here to d0?    
AA: ready to leave already?    
TA: i just have the feeling kk doesn’t want me here.    
TA: s0mething’s up and i guess he feels i shouldn’t kn0w?    
TA: maybe its some passive aggressive bullshit t0 get back at me because i obviously fucked up 0ur friendship when i left.    
AA: im sure thats not the case!    
AA: its probably something hes not quite comfortable with himself    
AA: he definitely thinks more highly of what you would think than you give him credit for and youre not exactly the nicest when it comes to potentially embarrassing things   
TA: are you saying i w0uld just be a dick about it?    
AA: thats very much a possibility   
TA: fair en0ugh because i probably w0uld be, but why do i get the feeling y0u already know what the issue is?    
AA: because i do!    
TA: THAT’S a sh0cker.    
TA: terezi is about t0 fill me in so i guess its n0 big deal.    
TA: i just kinda wish kk wouldve t0ld me.    
AA: you have only been there a few hours and he needs time to formulate how hes going to tell you   
AA: assuming he wants to tell you at all   
AA: i would go talk to him again but theres no rush    
AA: you have plenty of time   
TA: wait   
TA: i thought this was just a sh0rt visit.    
AA: well yes   
AA: it was for me anyway   
TA: are you seri0usly telling me that you left already!?    
AA: yes   
TA: s0 right at this moment y0u are no l0nger on the mete0r?    
AA: that pretty much sums it up   
TA: oh my g0d   
TA: you fucking DITCHED me.    
AA: now i would not go so far as to say that   
TA: L0OKS LIKE I’M TW0 FOR TW0 IN GETTING FRIEND DITCHED TODAY. 

 

**== >**

“Dave, do you smell that?” Terezi whispered to you over her shoulder.

“Smell what?”

“It’s the smell of dejection and abandonment! Aradia must have left him here with us.”

“Yep,” you replied tersely, watching Sollux hunch over the device out of the lower corner of your shades. “Definitely looks like it.”

It looked like it was taking everything he had not to find a nice corner to sulk in. You were quite good at finding sulk corners (and this god damn meteor has a lot of them), so you could point out some prime locations if needed. Need solitude? We have specials for some lonely out-of-the-way wall junctions. There’s also some at half price, but the risk of nosy onlookers, particularly of the kind clad in orange, is ridiculously high. That’s definitely something to take into consideration when making the choice to show your wallet mercy.

Terezi was no doubt laughing manically to herself because this fell into place perfectly with what she had planned (whatever that was). You simply moved on to coloring the next panel.

 

**== >**

TA: i didnt kn0w i was being a hindrance to the p0int i had to be dr0pped off like a fucking barkbeast at a kennel.    
TA: was my presence really that unenj0yable?    
AA: sollux i love having you travel around with me so please calm down   
AA: im coming back   
AA: there was something else i had to tend to and i felt you would have better enjoyed spending time with our friends   
AA: you tend to mope and whine about how bored you are when im handling errands   
TA: what are you d0ing that is so0o0o0 objectively b0ring that i would better stay behind t0 spare yourself my terrible whining?    
AA: as you said its boring dont worry about it.    
TA: h0ld on are y0u saying its boring because its inexplicably bland 0r because its something weird?    
AA: i have no idea what you are talking about   
TA: y0u’re doing s0mething weird, aren’t you.    
AA: okay fine its something you would think completely weird   
TA: th0ught so.    
TA: when are y0u coming back?    
AA: im not sure but it wont be too long i promise   
AA: so please relax and maybe go eat some more human pasta and cookies   
AA: we all know you need to   
TA: thanks f0r that now i feel unattractive.    
TA: and wh0 is we?    
AA: gosh sollux that is not important!    
TA: there you g0 being all mysterious and uninf0rmative again.    
AA: yes i know and i apologize   
AA: but when i get back we can do some stuff!    
TA: oh?    
TA: what kind 0f stuff?    
AA: stuff that you would definitely deem the opposite of boring   
AA: remember that one thing five dream bubbles ago?    
TA: what   
TA: no, that was terrible!    
AA: you mean you didnt enjoy that?    
TA: 0nly you w0uld enjoy s0mething like that, aa.    
AA: well then I guess we can do the other thing that we did seven bubbles ago   
TA: see THAT was fun for all parties inv0lved.    
TA: so i guess i’ll see y0u so0n then?    
AA: of course!    
AA: and just troll me if you want to talk   
AA: im always here   
TA: eheh alright.    
AA: and let the record show that we still think you are the sexiest of beasts ;)    
TA: still waiting on wh0 the fuck is this WE, but thanks. 

apocalypseArisen [AA] has ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA].

 

**== > Be Aradia**

Phew, with that done, you no longer needed to worry about your dear tag along for the time being. You brought up the window behind it and resumed your previous conversation. It was fortunate that electronics still worked flawlessly so far into the Furthest Ring.

AA: sorry i was speaking with sollux   
TT: Has he discovered that you’ve already taken your leave?    
AA: he has   
AA: it was only a matter of time until he found out but he took it rather well   
AA: he wouldn’t have wanted to stay on the meteor if i told him id be on a   
AA: what was this called?    
TT: a stakeout?    
AA: yes!    
AA: if he knew it was a stakeout watching a horrorterror    
AA: he wouldve been adamant about coming with me.    
AA: his susceptibility to psychic voices wouldve made it too dangerous for him   
TT: It was a wise, if a bit shady, decision to make but let us return to the matter at hand.    
TT: Have you located our target?    
AA: i have!    
AA: its right here in front of me   
TT: How is it looking right now? 

You looked up from the device to the mass of flesh floating just below you. It hasn’t moved in the last six minutes, you’ve counted. The tentacles were held limply and its eyes showed no life. There were no signs of psychic activity either. As far as you could tell, it was just a dead lump the size of a small city floating in space, though it did look slightly smaller than the last time you saw it. You had your doubts it was the same one, but a few telltale scars and wounds were recognizable enough.

With a light flutter, you propelled yourself forward so you could get a closer look, braving the horrid smell that grew in intensity with the closing distance. You extended a hand and poked the disgustingly moist flesh.

It didn’t react.

With a disappointed hum, you craned your head back to look over at the horrorterror corpse one more time before returning to your chat with Rose. 

AA: its not moving   
TT: Do you figure it’s dead?    
TT: If that’s indeed the case, then we needn’t worry anymore.    
AA: i have to honestly say i was hoping it wouldnt have already expired before i found it   
TT: Dare I ask why?    
AA: the dark gods are such fascinating beings with power that rival their tremendous size    
AA: i just find it interesting that these beings too can experience the downward spiral towards death.    
AA: sollux and i passed by plenty that were injured but never any that were outright dying or already dead   
AA: i hoped to witness this one as its power dwindled and it shriveled into nothingness   
AA: but its still a nice consolation to be able to lay my oculars on a dead one    
TT: And your strange fascination reveals itself once more.    
TT: Since you now have a fresh horrorterror corpse to poke at your morbid leisure, I shall leave you to just that.    
AA: alright ill be returning shortly to

Your sentence was cut short when the wall of flesh directly in front of you opened, revealing a large reflective eye. Its pupil contracted as it honed in on you, and you instinctively darted backwards to add distance between you and the organ that was nearly ten times your size. Once you could see more of the corpse, you realized it wasn’t dead just yet.

Tentacles slowly wriggled to life, flailing languidly in empty space, and wounds began to bleed more freely as if whatever the damnable creature used as a means to circulate internal fluids started up again. There was a sudden pulse of psychic activity, alerting you that whatever faculties that remained have jumpstarted themselves. A few disturbing gurgles and growls later, the heap of fetid flesh started floating off in a random direction.

You followed it, of course.

TT: Aradia   
TT: You didn’t quite finish that sentence, did something happen?    
AA: the thing!    
AA: its alive again!    
TT: Oh drat.    
AA: this is wonderful!    
AA: being dead must have a different set of criteria for them or maybe they have abilities of resurrection   
TT: I wish I could share in your enthusiasm, but with this new development we’ve no choice but to continue with our original course of action.    
TT: Follow it to see where it is going and report if anything pertinent happens.    
AA: already doing so!    
AA: its not going anywhere particularly fast but the nature of the ring makes that a bit of a moot point   
AA: ill be able to calculate its destination relative to the meteors path and update you on that later   
TT: One more thing before I start my vigil for purple-clad clowns.    
TT: In order to deduce what this horrorterror’s possible intentions are, it may be a good idea to identify it.    
AA: sure   
AA: but can we even do that?    
AA: no horrorterror is the same but I doubt id be able to identify one from looking at it   
TT: Don’t worry, I’ll handle that.    
TT: I’m just going to need you to describe it to me. 

 

**== > Rose: Deduce the horrorterror’s intentions**

Unfortunately, that wasn’t something you could accomplish with desirable accuracy at the moment. You were really hoping that you didn’t have to deal with the dark gods during this journey, but you guess it wasn’t something you could have evaded forever when floating through an entire dimension of them.

It’s been about an hour, and you’ve been through the _Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious_ at least twice trying to find the specific horroterror Aradia described to you. Admittedly, you thought it was going to be easier, but the creature in question didn’t fit any of the descriptions you’ve seen. It was probably maimed and scarred to the point it barely resembled its former self, and there was also the possibility this one was unimportant to the point that none of the cults of your old universe recognized it, thus making it unworthy of being included in the book. 

Aradia was still following it, so she might be able to give you more information the next time either of you contacted the other. She suggested communicating with it, but you advised against it. She might end up doing it anyway, so all you could do was sincerely wish her the best of luck with that.

Frustrated that you couldn’t identify the damned thing (in conjunction with the fact that this new objective was impeding your focus on operation: _seduce the bioluminescent vampire_ ), you made your way down the hallway towards the kitchen to get yourself a chilled beverage. Your ban from the kitchen stove was still in effect, but if you were lucky, John would be busy elsewhere and you could make yourself a quick cup of tea. Apple juice doesn’t really suit your fancy and you’d rather drink the strange concoctions you’ve been throwing together during your free time. 

A rapid patter of feet preceded the Mayor quickly running down the hallway and right on past you, clearly distressed about something or other. With him, it could be anything, so you didn’t pay him any mind except for a customary passing glance. However, when you did pay him that single shift of your eyes, you saw him turn on his heel and run back toward you. 

You were inclined to ask if something was wrong, but he grabbed your arm and tugged you down the hallway back from whence he came before you could even begin your inquiry. You guessed that was your answer, and you hoped it was worth putting your ban-defying exploits on hold.

A few corners were turned and-- Oh look, there was Kanaya… and pretty much everyone else, sans Karkat and Sollux, outside of John’s room. Once you got closer you noticed Dave, Terezi, and Kanaya were sitting, bound together with their arms pinned to their sides by what looked like a twisted piece of metal. It was obviously pulled straight off the laboratory wall as evidenced by the gaping, square shaped hole right above them. What had enough power to pull a panel off of the wall _and_ subdue the three of them long enough to twist the metal around them?

You would’ve been suspicious that this was some elaborate prank, but then you saw John pinned to the same wall, upside down, by a strange glow around his wrists and ankles. He was clad in sleeping clothes and was missing his glasses, giving you a prime view of his bare abdomen due to his inverted position.

Now what the hell is going on here? 

“I’m almost afraid to ask what happened,” you said aloud, smirking at them. They all turned to you, elated.

“Rose!” they called out, the sheer volume of their combined voices making you cringe.  
They all started ranting and demanding to be released but you couldn’t understand a single thing they were saying.

“Please, one at a time,” you interjected, taking out a wand and kneeling down in front of Dave. “I’ll get you out, but can I have a more coherent and organized explanation for what transpired here?”

Terezi spoke up first. “Let the record show that we unanimously agreed that this is Dave’s fault.”

“Whoa, hold up. My fault?”

“Yes, you overreacted and I believed you. I could be in my hallway enjoying activities of the chalk and canned ration variety right now if I just believed you were being unnecessarily worried,” she said matter-of-factly.

“You did overreact a bit, Dave. You sounded like he went shit-hive maggots in your message to John,” Kanaya added.

“What was I supposed to expect? Half-dead guy just stomped off with sparks coming out of his glowy eyes looking angry as shit. For all I knew, he could’ve been on his way to rip off a bro’s weird human bulge.”

“Aw, thanks for being concerned, but I think you were just being a little silly about the situation,” John said, sounding sleepy but confident. 

Dave shook his head. “How ungrateful.”

“I’m just saying! I don’t think Sollux would be type to rip body parts off of people.”

“It’s hard to come to that conclusion when you know he probably has enough power to explode this entire meteor if he wanted to.”

John blinked. “Oh, he can do that?” He said it with more intrigue than worry.

“I’m still a bit confused,” you stated. “Start from the beginning.”

“Okay so this is how it went down,” your ectobrother began. “I was just drawing in the hallway while Terezi filled Sollux in on the details of John’s royal fuck up-“

“Hey!”

“Shut up, dude, I’m trying to tell a story here.” Your brother cleared his throat. “As I was saying, Terezi was explaining the sich to him, but she was all like ‘so John’s crazy sentient genetic material infiltrated Karkat’s genetichamber and basically got him human pregnant.’”

“Human pregnant?” you echoed, briefly looking up from where you were aiming your needle.

“Yes, she said human pregnant,” he repeated with annoyed emphasis on the last couple words. “So cue the expected look of shock on Sollux’s mug before she goes on to say that Karkat was now carrying ‘John’s pink worm babies.’”

Kanaya looked over Dave’s shoulder. “Really, Terezi?”

“Is that not what’s happening?” the blind troll asked, sounding puzzled.

“Do you have any idea how human reproduction works?” Kanaya went on asking.

“I figured human males just shot weird genetic material into whatever being and the human grubs just grew there, with human females being the best possible hosts! Am I missing something?”

“How about a lot!” John exclaimed from his elevated position on the wall. “And I thought Dave was the one failing at interspecies research.”

“Oh fuck you, dude, who even thinks about those kind of things?” You and Kanaya shared a glance, both of you knowing that was a topic quickly explored and covered early on between the two of you (and between John and Karkat, but that went without saying). It also must be said that Terezi’s was the worst description of human reproduction you have _ever_ heard.

“Weren’t you at all curious? I mean, we’re traveling with aliens, Dave. ALIENS.” You had to silently agree with John on this one.

“Well excuse me for not sharing your impassioned initiative to seek out and bone alien boy vaginas.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw John’s face go sour at Dave’s tone before he inhaled deeply. Predicting what was to come, you leaned back out of the way as John blew a forceful jet of air right into Dave’s face, skewing his shades and making his hair stick up in a comical way. His hands at his sides clenched and unclenched, frustrated by his inability to fix his eyewear. 

You did him a favor and fixed them for him, and the Mayor pat his hair back down.

“Dick,” Dave spat after you picked your wand back up.

“Takes one to know one,” John returned. 

“Maybe next time I won’t even try to intercept the guy who could tear off your manly bits with a single thought!”

Terezi stifled a laugh, clearly amused at something. It suddenly hit you that she knew very well how human reproduction worked. She was just instigating again, but you had to admit, you were interested in where this would end up weeks from now. The boys and their varying grasps on troll relationships could have some interesting and unexpected results.

“I think I may be able to burn through this, but I’ll have to use a weakened beam lest I risk burning through one of you as well,” you said amidst the metaphorical flames being stoked between the boys.

You pointed the tip of your needle at the metal between Terezi and Dave, focusing a slim beam of light out of it. The area of impact began to glow orange as it heated up. This might take a while, you thought, so you summed up what they told you thus far.

“Okay, so through the use of improper terminology, blatant misinformation has spread to our new arrival and he stormed off, ready to give all due justice to the one who he may or not believe to have infected his close friend with his alien progeny. Am I on point?”

“That’s what Dave thought,” Terezi answered. “Then he started going ‘blah blah Terezi why’d you explain it like that he’s going to think John is using Karkat as a human worm factory’ or some shit.” She used a terrible mocking voice when paraphrasing his words. “So, thinking I _may_ have used the wrong words and given Appleberry the wrong idea, I gave chase with the dashing bulge hero right here speeding ahead of me to intercept him.”

“Needless to say, he wasn’t having any of our shit and Darth Vadered me after I sent sleeping beauty here a message,” Dave said.

“Darth Vadered?” John repeated.

“Dave, assuming being ‘Darth Vadered’ means anything else besides lifting you off of the ground to effectively immobilize you, Sollux did no such thing,” Kanaya elaborated.

“How did you end up in this?” you asked her, genuinely curious. “I wouldn’t think you would be one to jump the gun.”

“John and Karkat were asleep, so I was the one available to answer Dave’s message. It was urgent and distraught, so I went outside to see exactly what was going on for myself. Sollux and an immobilized Dave were there and the former must’ve assumed I was going to be an obstacle. So I was forced to join him in the air. As far as I could tell, he just wanted to have a conversation with Karkat.”

“Then I caught up and he did likewise, tearing off pieces of the wall to tie us up like common criminals,” Terezi lamented. “Can you even imagine that?”

“I sure can,” John added under his breath. “I was just napping when he lifted me up and threw me at the wall. It was really sudden and I honestly thought I was having another weird wet dream or something. That is, until I hit the wall.”

“Dude, gross.” John shrugged at Dave’s outburst, but the two trolls didn’t seem to know what he was talking about.

“How are you holding up, John?” you asked, glancing up at him. His face was blushing from the blood rushing to his head.

“I think I’m getting dizzy. I’ve been up here for a while, even before the Mayor came by and we told him to go find you.”

“Have you tried breaking Sollux’s hold on you?” You asked him.

“Yeah, and it’s tough!” He went on to demonstrate by trying to pull his left arm forward. He was using considerable strength, making the metal wall moan. It looked like it was about to bow outwards with his arm, but before that could happen, John stopped to catch his breath. “Ow, I think I pulled something that time.”

“What about your transformation ability?”

“My what?”

You rolled your eyes, thinking he would remember he could do that after pranking people so many times after learning it. “Turn into air.”

“Oh right, duh!” He vanished in a quick puff, reforming on his feet right under where he was hanging. He then fell backwards and slumped against the wall. “Oof, still dizzy. I think I’m just gonna… sit here for a bit. Yeah.”

He must’ve been pretty tired because he leaned his head back and started dozing off immediately.

You no longer had to worry about finding a way to get the father-to-be down, but you were making little, if any, progress on the metal holding your other friends together. Realizing this, you stopped, stood up, and started towards the kitchen. John was out of commission, so you knew for sure you could get away with heating some water.

“Hey, where are you going?” Dave asked. Leaving the three of them there was a pretty terrible thing to do, but you had to make use of this opportunity.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be back,” You assured them, waving back at them before saying, “I just need to make some tea.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PHEW GOD DANG, THIS STORY IS HELLA LONG. I still have about 85 pages of Microsoft Word Document to edit and repost before I'm completely caught up with the kink meme! *wipes brow*
> 
> and WOOO broke the 100k words mark! That's a lot of words!

**== > Sollux: Do something drastic**

You were completely ready to do something others would deem drastic, but then you had second thoughts. Then those second thoughts became third thoughts (which made you a little more uncomfortable than you’d like to admit) a little while after you finally made your way through the wall of unspeakably irritating idiots.

Dave tried to stand in your way using ninja-like quickness to cut you off, but it’s not like _anyone_ could body block you that easily. Kanaya and Terezi came out and you just threw them up there with Dave and tied all three of them up to get them out of your hair just for a little while. You were in no mood to listen to their inane ramblings.

After somehow untangling John from Karkat and chucking the half-asleep human outside into the hall in a way not-so-similar to how you were earlier, you had to take a moment of pause and think about the situation as you stood over the bed, on which Karkat was still fast asleep.

Your knowledge basically extended to “John has Karkat carrying his creepy human parasitic spawn.” This enraged you to no end because why would they make him do something like that?! It also brought up the question of why Kanaya and Terezi (and maybe to _some_ extent, Gamzee) of all people would _allow_ this to happen.

This was seriously fucked up.

But then, you considered the fact, however strange it may have been, that John and Karkat were matesprits. That status was still in effect and Karkat was no idiot (in most cases). Did he agree to do this for John? The humans needed to reproduce, too, so maybe, out of the pity of his heart, he offered himself up for the task.

Ha, yeah, right.

You took a step closer to the bed and looked over Karkat’s sleeping form. Terezi said that John’s genetic material (that is also alive apparently? Fucking _shudder_ ) invaded his genetichamber, so that would explain why his stomach looked larger than when you last saw him.

Well, that and the fact he probably stuffs his face to nourish the _cluster of pink alien things_ growing in his gut.

God, you have got to get those things out of him. You had the ability to do so, but you hesitated, knowing full well that doing anything of the sort could result in getting your best friend killed. You could dissect a non-biological computer three different ways to twelfth perigee’s eve and reassemble it so that it could perform twice as efficiently, but the same cannot be said about precision work pertaining to living things. Using psionics on things when you’re not expecting them to be alive afterwards is more desirable. It’s just easier that way.

You could also take him away from these _maniacs_ and find someone who knew what to do about this, but that idea was quickly tossed because there was no way you could navigate the furthest ring without Aradia. You’d both get lost for eternity and Karkat would probably starve since, unlike you, he still needed to eat on a regular basis.

You looked back up to his face, just watching him sleep so fucking _peacefully_ that your previous doubts just rose back up to the surface. No one being forced against their will to do something like this would sleep that peacefully nor act so nonchalantly (relatively speaking) while awake.

A minute or two of restless pacing later, you decided to just say “fuck it, let’s see what he says about all this.” You’ve only heard the deranged explanations of observers obviously going nuts from being on a meteor for a sweep, and it was time to get the info from Karkat himself.

You nudged him gently. “Hey, KK.” 

No response.

“KK,” you said again, dragging out the second syllable while nudging him harder. He just turned over and grumbled something indecipherable. Who knew he could be so obstinate in his sleep?

Growling in irritation, you shoved him off the edge of the bed. He hit the ground with a loud thump and you expected him to jolt awake spewing expletives, but he sits up and looks around with bewilderment. He doesn’t even notice you until you clamber on top of the bed and lean over the other side.

“You’re quite the rough sleeper, KK,” you began with a smirk, “rolled right off the human bed.”

“Who let you in here?” he asked sleepily. “Where’s John?”

“Right outside,” you replied, pointing your thumb behind you towards the door. Apparently satisfied with that answer, he stretched and yawned before climbing back on the bed. 

“Do you need something?” he asked tersely.

“Nothing really,” you said, your tone becoming more serious, “but I heard you got human pregnant.”

He went rigid for a second. “Dammit, who told you?” he sighed.

“Terezi.”

“Figures.” From the way he spoke, he didn’t seem too upset from this whole situation. In fact, _none_ of his behavior since you’ve been here made it seem like he was upset at all. “I was really hoping I could get away with not telling you at all, but that can just be chalked up as another reason I can’t have good ideas.”

“I’m basically here until further notice.”

“Great!” he said, throwing his arms into the air. “So there was absolutely no chance of getting away with keeping you clueless.”

“KK,” you said softly, “Are you cool with all this?”

“All of what?” You gestured agitatedly at his abdomen. “Oh, _that_. Of course I’m not okay with this, but it’s not like I have a choice.”

“Are the humans _making_ you bear their grubs!?” you said, anger welling up.

“What? No. That’s not it,” he protested, waving his palms at you. He must’ve sensed that you were ready to tear off some bulges right about now. “It was… Fuck, I can’t seem to find a way to say this without sounding ridiculously stupid… an accident.”

“An accident? How can this be a fucking accident? Are you sure that they’re not just playing you for a fool and using you as their own personal human reproduction vessel?”

“Yes, I’m pretty fucking sure that’s not what’s happening because the _reason_ this is happening is mostly because of me!”

“Because of you?”

“Because I apparently didn’t understand my own fucking biology enough to know that not using a pail results in me gestating a clutch of grubs because organs no longer hindered by sopor decide to go ‘hey, let’s fuck shit up! Karkat clearly doesn’t have enough issues to deal with now that he has a matesprit!’”

Now you were just confused.

“Okay, You must have gone insane with the rest of them because you’re not making any sense whatsoever,” you said.

“Now I suspect Terezi had no fucking clue what she was talking about when she decided to gossip like a loose-beaked squawkbeast who has no idea that she just _was not getting_ that goddamn starch square she holds in such high regard. What kind of pan-dead explanation did she feel so inclined to hand out to you that made you think the humans of all people could force something as laughably dumb like this on me?”

“Well, she said that John got you human pregnant-“

“Wait, let me stop you there,” he interrupted, holding up his hand and giving you a puzzled stare. “She said that I was _human_ pregnant?” You nodded. “Jegus fucking- I thought you were just being a dick when you said you heard I was human pregnant. Why would she even _say_ something like that! You need to be human to be human pregnant for one thing! And female at that! Sollux, you’ve let your miscalculated amount of naïveté steer you into thinking something completely moronic. Did you do anything impulsive as a result of hearing this?”

“Er, no,” you lied, your gaze drifting to the side. Thankfully he couldn’t tell.

“Good, because I’m about to educate you in a condition known as being ‘troll pregnant,’ which is as equally asinine, if not more so, than its human equivalent, assuming it is actually a thing and not some cosmic joke being played on me and everybody else involved.”

He went on to explain that in some unexplained fit of pubescent lust that they ended up pailing and there was no bucket involved (kinky bastards), which resulted in troll eggs forming in his gut. Apparently this can happen to all trolls; the information and knowledge was just lost due to the Alternian empire’s tampering. He also said that he got pretty sick and almost starved to death just a few weeks ago. 

He was right. It was asinine and completely unbelievable, and it sounded like he barely believed it himself.

“Wow, that is complete bullshit,” you said, “And there’s supposedly a book on this?”

“Yeah. John and Kanaya and probably Rose have a copy of it,” Karkat said as he got off the bed and started rummaging through his pile. You made a mental note to procure this book for yourself, because this is just hoofbeast shit of the highest caliber. You watched him as he moved aside a couple of his trashy novels, a stray ball of yarn, a handheld gaming device, a stupid horn of Gamzee’s, a roll of fabric, and a-

“Wait, why is one of my shirts in your pile?” you asked, reaching down to pick it up.

He looked at you, puzzled, and then to the shirt in your hand before realizing what you were talking about. ”Huh, I have no clue. I’ve been picking things up and dumping them here for the past few weeks. It’s really fucking weird, but nothing worth complaining about, I guess.”

Nothing worth complaining about? Karkat’s a pro at finding reasons to complain about something just so that he could flip his shit over it. He was simply the best. He was also getting good at picking up stray items too, apparently.

You just kept watching him as he dug through the pile of stuff until you felt the device in your pocket vibrate. You pulled it out and saw that Kanaya was trolling you. Strange…

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA].

GA: It Is Awfully Quiet In There  
GA: What Are You Up To  
GA: We Have Confidence That You Will Not Try To Do Anything Drastic But Even That Wavers With Time  
TA: h0w are you even tr0lling me?   
TA: did you get free s0mehow?   
GA: No  
GA: I Am Not Pleased To Say That I Am Still Bound By Your Metallic Defacement Of The Nearby Wall  
GA: So I Am Utilizing A Hands Free Device Courtesy Of Rose  
GA: I Hope You Are Not Taking Part In Anything Dubious In There

Dubious? Like they were ones to talk about “taking part in anything dubious,” going around keeping secrets. You figured you could have a little fun with her.

TA: yeah im t0tally getting ready to fly 0ff with kk into the reaches 0f the furthest ring.   
GA: What  
TA: you guys clearly can’t d0 anything without s0mebody ending up bearing weird alien 0ffspring.   
GA: Wait I Must Insist That You Rethink That  
GA: Karkat Is In A Delicate Condition And It Would Be A Very Poor Choice To Leave The Meteor  
GA: He Needs To Be Kept In The Best Possible Environment Until He Lays His Eggs  
GA: And I Doubt Anywhere Else Is Better Than Here  
TA: uh huh sure.   
GA: Sollux I Am Serious  
GA: Karkat Cannot B  
GA: sollux, what the hell!?   
GA: what exactly are you thinking of doing!?   
TA: oh l0ok its the alien impregnat0r himself.   
GA: you can’t just go and whisk him off somewhere!   
TA: says the one g0ing around injecting genetic material int0 people  
TA: y0u should be ashamed  
TA: y0u should all be ashamed t0 be making kk go through this  
TA: this s0 many levels of wr0ng, eb.   
GA: duh! don't you think i know that!   
GA: this is my mistake.   
GA: and that means i am responsible for karkat which is why i can’t let you just fly off with him to buttfuck nowhere

“How gallant of him,” you thought sarcastically with an accompanying roll of your eyes.

“Aha! Yes!” Karkat exclaimed. You looked up from the device and saw him pulling out of the pile a pair of deep blue sweat pants with legs that looked a little bit too long for him. He dropped the article and- whoa why is he taking off his pants?

“What are you doing?”

“Changing. Quit staring if it bothers you so much,” he responded flippantly. “God I hate these fucking pants! Would it really be such a crime against that useless thing called ‘fashion’ for Kanaya to make me something that doesn’t have a stupid button or fastener? I’m under the impression I’m only going to get bigger from this point on, so I’m really not seeing the appeal over elastic waists.”

“Nice crab undies.”

“Shut up.”

Chuckling to yourself, you returned to the conversation with John. 

GA: i mean seriously, where the hell are you going to go?   
GA: karkat almost fucking died once already due to your retarded alternian empire so think again if i’m going to let you endanger him or the eggs in ANY WAY.   
GA: if i find that you’re seriously-  
GA: rose cut it out i’m trying to-  
GA: no i will NOT calm down.   
GA: i’m this close to busting through that door and drilling my fist into his scalp until he can’t think straight!   
GA: yes, dave, i DID just threaten to super noogie him into submission.   
GA: do you WANT to see if it was effective enough to be a threat????   
GA: cuz i can totally show you!   
GA: we can do this right now because you’re still tied up like a fucking packet of drinking straws!!!!   
GA: that’s prime noogie position right there!!! 

Oh look, threats. Cute. You had no idea what a “super noogie” was but it was clear that John was very upset at the notion of you taking off with Karkat, so you might as well tell him you weren’t actually going to do any such thing. You really had him going there.

TA: calm your rumble spheres, i'm kidding.   
TA: what kind of idiot d0 you take me f0r?   
TA: i already know i can’t just fly 0ff without a space 0r time player to navigate the ring.   
TA: that’s just stupid, s0 i’m pretty much stuck here until aa comes back 0r we enter a dream bubble.   
GA: oh…  
TA: i just talked with kk and he set me straight.   
TA: well, as straight as whatever this fucked up scenario can even BE. 

“Who are you talking to?” Karkat asked over your shoulder. “Is that Kanaya?”

“It was, but it’s John now.”

“Oh. Tell him I’m hungry.”

“What? You just ate half your weight in earth pasta. How can you be hungry right now?”

He looked at you flatly. “I don’t expect you to understand the implications of being pregnant and the daunting task of eating for several.”

“Ugh, okay, fine. Hold on.”

TA: 0h and kk says he’s hungry.  
GA: okay i guess i’ll go make him something to eat.   
GA: maybe that will make me want to punch you in the face a little less >:(  
GA: don’t think this is over!!!!!!!!   
TA: o0oh scary.   
GA: Wow  
GA: That Was Unexpected  
GA: You Must Have Triggered A Strange Defensive Instinct In Human Parental Units  
GA: That And The Fact He Is A Little Sleep Deprived  
GA: So Everything Is Alright In There  
TA: yeah, it is.   
TA: y0u don’t have t0 worry ab0ut john’s precious grubs being taken 0r forcibly removed in any way.   
TA: s0 all of you can calm the fuck d0wn.   
GA: That Little Stunt May Have Been A Mistake However  
GA: John May Decide To Reciprocate And Believe Me When I Say That Being On The Receiving End Of His Pranks Is Not Enjoyable  
GA: At All  
GA: And You Will Not See It Coming  
TA: kanaya, im not even w0rried about that.   
GA: Just Thought I Would Give You A Word Of Warning  
GA: At The Very Least John Was Able To Channel His Agitation Into Something Productive By Freeing Us  
TA: h0w the hell did he do that? 

That also prompted the question to how he even got down in the first place. You were pretty sure you didn’t release him, and, despite making a couple attempts, he didn’t break your hold.

GA: He Simply Pulled The Metal Open Enough Through Shear Force Of Mangrit For The Three Of Us To Slip Out  
TA: pretty impressive  
GA: I Agree  
GA: But Yes I Would Watch Out For The Stray Liquid-Filled Bucket Floating Above the Doorway  
TA: at least he uses a bucket f0r SOMETHING…  
GA: Okay I Probably Should Not Have Laughed At That  
GA: But That One Was Pretty Good  
TA: naturally. 

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA].

You pocketed the device and looked up at Karkat, who was standing across the room, pulling back his shirt to watch the fabric stretch against the shape of his belly. He certainly looked displeased, and it was hilarious how the legs of the sweatpants pooled around his ankles. They must be John’s.

“Yes, KK, that shirt _does_ make you look fat.” Your remark earned an incredibly rude gesture from his free hand. “But seriously, you’re just going to sit here and do nothing about the fact you’re gestating some strange human-fertilized grubs?”

“What am I supposed to do?” he sighed. “It seems to me that the only course of action is to somehow survive the next few perigees until I evacuate the things out of the appropriate orifice.”

You held up a hand, white, black, and yellow energy sparking around it. “I can probably think of something.”

He looked at your hand and his eyes widened. “Hell no! Are you out of your fucking pan? I would never trust you to do something like that let alone allow myself to be butchered in any sense of the word in the first place!”

You put your hand down and leaned backwards on the bed. “Just a suggestion. So you’re really okay with this?” You felt inclined to ask again.

He shrugged. “No, but Kanaya seems to be ecstatic about the idea. She’s been making preparations ever since we figured this shit out.”

“I guess that makes one of us.” 

“She’s only been trying to figure out how to restore our species for the last god damn sweep. Well, that, and tip-toeing around becoming an official thing with Rose. So I guess it’s nice one of our many dilemmas is solved,” Karkat continued. That’s a really half-full outlook he has going there.

“I can tear off someone’s bulge so this never happens again, if you like,” you offered jokingly.

He turned to you with a glare full of venom. “Touch John or his magnificent bulge and I will shove my fist so far down your chute, you’ll be shitting out the dirt from beneath my fingernails.”

“Eheheheh, sounds like John knows what he’s doing down there.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up,” he mumbled, face turning red. Gut full of grubs notwithstanding, things were starting to feel a little more familiar between you two now.

 

**== > Rose: Be impressed by John’s feat of strength**

And impressed you were, but you were arguably more grateful that he was able to help free the three captives of Captor; it was going to take you _hours_ to burn through the metal with such a low powered beam from your wand, and you would just end up with a cold cup of tea and a trio of unhappy teens.

Kanaya finished her conversation with Sollux and removed your headband, looking down the hall way as John grumbled expletives under his breath and stomped off towards the kitchen. It looked like she was trying to decide whether or not to follow him.

“Is something the matter?” you asked her. 

“Hm, no. I am merely wondering whether or not John was going to be alright.”

“I’m sure he’ll bounce back,” you assured her. “Either that, or enact sweet vengeance.”

“Hopefully it’s just the former,” she said, “it’s already challenging enough to avoid falling into the crossfire of his exchanges with Dave.”

You nodded in agreement. “I still doubt John would allow such a transgression to go without recompense, and I’m sure Sollux wouldn’t enjoy anything he cooks up. Isn’t that right, Dave?”

He looks at you and makes a clicking sound with his tongue. “Nah, I’m totally enjoying this. This prankster bullshit ain’t rocket science, and once you get it down, it’s all just race to see who can get the other’s goat and keep it. Baa fucking baa baby.” It was an interesting response, to say the least.

“So you’re telling me that you’re enjoying it?” you said with mock surprise.

“I am unsure if I like the possible ramifications of this development,” Kanaya added. 

“I don’t think any of us do,” you sighed. Dave shrugged as he helped Terezi to her feet, earning a “such a gentleman” from her. She was probably enjoying herself more than either John or Dave. As interesting as these new dynamics were, all you knew was that you were going to be _highly_ upset if you take another misfired pie to the face that was intended for someone else.

They soon went on their way, exchanging playful shoves as they argued over whose fault this whole thing actually was. The Mayor scurried after them, leaving you and Kanaya alone outside John’s room.

You watched out of the corner of your eye as she smoothed at her skirt and any stray wrinkles on her blouse, looking radiant as always (both literally and figuratively). She smelled nice, too, like she was fresh out of an ablution. You caught yourself sidling up to her as she fussed over herself.

“How go the preparations?” you asked almost coyly. Oh, yes, she definitely smelled nice.

“Quite well, actually,” she responded, still messing with a stubbornly creased sleeve. “I have cultured a wide variety of plants and fungi through some miraculous means, but I still need to weed out any harmful species. I was actually worried that I wouldn’t be able to grow anything at all, which would make feeding the grubs a little more difficult.”

“What’s next?”

Damn it, now you were entranced by her quiet enthusiasm and tireless diligence. How are you supposed to follow your plan and give her space if you get so easily involved in her fervent ramblings and your desire for her to imbibe your blood? Speaking of which, you wondered if she has been drinking blood lately, since you were the primary source for most of the journey.

“I was planning on examining Karkat after he woke up, but I think Sollux may not want anybody near him for a while,” she said thoughtfully. “I guess I can take a trip back to the center of the meteor and cut some more stone for the ectobiology lab.” She stopped as if she had a sudden idea, but her visage quickly made it look like she was hesitant to share. “Would you like to accompany me?” she finally asked.

Hell yes, was the appropriate answer, because fuck the plan. You missed hanging out with your almost-girlfriend. Before you could even vocalize aforementioned appropriate answer, the device you were using to talk to Aradia vibrated, reminding you that you had another task at hand.

Damn it again. Now you had a dilemma.

The objective studying rogue horrorterrors was important, but on the other hand, you were asked to accompany a lovely lady of the glowing persuasion on an excursion to the center of a meteor. No one in their right mind would pass up that opportunity. However, neglecting a horrorterror who may or may not be up to something could be catastrophic. It would be the smart thing to do to find out what it’s all about before it’s too late and save the strolls with attractive young vampires for later. But then again, the thing is already dying, so it’s possible that it doesn’t pose a threat in the first place… but if you were wrong?

Augh! Why are your powers so useless sometimes!? What does one even _do_ when confronted with such decisions!?

“Uh, Rose? Is there a problem?” Kanaya inquired. Your internal back and forth must’ve made you look like a spastic idiot while she waited for your answer. “I completely understand if you do not want to.”

She must’ve took your hesitation as reluctance, and the look of disappointment on her face made you hate yourself just that little bit more. 

“I’m sure you have your own seer duties to tend to so I won’t impose-“ She looked like she was about to turn to leave so you just acted, reaching out for her arm.

“Kanaya, wait. I’d love to accompany you.”

She started smiling that beautiful little smile and you swore your face lit up enough to rival Kanaya’s own luminescence. Horrorterrors can go suck whatever oblong genitals available to them, because you had a date. Well, it’s not really a date, but you are going to take what you could get. You were sure the almost dead tentacle beast would still be there when you got back, and if not, then problem solved. Right?


	22. Chapter 22

**== > Kanaya: Partake in the immensely rewarding activity of subterranean landscaping and agriculture.**

Kneeling down, you looked over a cluster of fungus and flora growing in the rocky corner of the lab. Some of them emitted a lovely glow, although it was hard to enjoy it to its full extent due to your own luminescence overpowering them. That was fine; the plants don’t need to look pretty to you to suit their purpose. Their purpose was to provide sustenance for the coming grubs, being one of the many things they can eat.

Grubs were omnivorous, and pretty much ate anything they could get a hold of. After Jade sent enough Earth rations to properly round out Karkat’s diet, the fuchsia meat harvested from the beast you and Rose felled weeks earlier was no longer required. However, it still proved useful by becoming excellent nourishment for a variety of molds and mushrooms. Grubs are also quite partial to flesh in various stages of decay, so there was that.

Oh, hold on a second. 

You reached down, parting the gray leaf clusters of two particularly plain plants and noticed a bulb exhibiting bright reds and blues peeking out of the ground. It was quite an attractive tuber that would soon end up an even more attractive flower that would share in the dim rays of the sun moss growing on the ceiling. 

You yanked the pesky plant, roots and all, out of the makeshift meteor soil and crushed it in your hand. That plant was very poisonous to grubs, therefore it wasn’t welcome in your large terrarium. They usually avoid it, but you’d rather not take that chance. Unlike the brooding caverns of the late Alternia, you weren’t going to have a huge population to offset the possible deaths by poisoning. 

And considering who their genetic donors were going to be, you weren’t too confident in their prospective decision-making abilities.

“That seems to be the last of it,” you said out loud. Dave, who was standing next you, nodded and pulled out his time turntables. He spun the strange black discuses and the room warped and bent. You looked down and saw the plants and fungi rapidly multiply and grow right before your eyes. 

“How’s that?” the time player inquired, stopping the spinning records with his finger tips. 

“Excellent,” you responded with a triumphant smile. “The many hours of self-pollinating have paid off, and it doesn’t look like any harmful species remain.”

“Cool, I’m just gonna go then,” he said, pointing in the direction of the transportalizer with his thumb. You thanked him with a nod, knowing that he felt uncomfortable being in here without any sort of protection. You assured him that it was perfectly safe because you already made sure anything directly harmful to anyone was rooted out (you had ditched the suit John made you a while ago), but him being human left some doubts in his mind. It was understandable, but if he died from strange plant infections, he’d just come back. Probably.

Floating above you, using a flashing beam of energy to fuse a very large stalactite to the high ceiling was Sollux. He reluctantly agreed to help by carrying larger sections of rock cut from deep in the meteor and more or less using his powerful psionics wherever applicable. Your sylladex had a rather annoying size limit, so his powers were a welcome tool (although getting them into the room was another ordeal in of itself). His assistance was a bit of a surprise, given his tendency to sequester himself away from everyone while coding and whatnot. He still does that, but his time seems balanced between being alone and being spent with Karkat. You figured he does his own thing whenever Karkat was asleep. You were also glad that there was no cataclysmic act of vengeance enacted on him. John’s matesprit might’ve talked him out of it, or he just cooled off on his own accord and let it pass.

In either case, you were thankful for any and all help provided by those you enlisted over these past weeks since Sollux’s arrival. Rose lent you whatever she could offer without a second thought, which you appreciated immensely. Dave’s time powers helped speed along the growth of the flora you were cultivating so you will definitely have the room ready in time for the grubs. John himself would also drop by and help move some of the heavier stones as you tried to achieve harmonic perfection with your rock formations.

You had the best friends.

“ _Holy fuck,_ heads up!”

“Buh?!”

You snapped your head around at Sollux’s warning and Rose’s sound of surprise to see the stalactite he was working on crash into the ground, kicking up a bunch of dust and just barely missing the seer as she leapt out of the way. The entire floor of the lab shook briefly at the impact. When everything settled enough for you to see, you looked at the now-demolished stalactite in the center of the room.

You felt you had to alter your previous thought after new considerations arose; you had the best friends… when they weren’t _breaking everything_. 

“Okay, what happened here,” you asked, surveying the damage.

Sollux floated down and landed next to the pile of rubble. “Sorry about that, I used a bit too much power and broke the base of the stalactite.” 

“How unfortunate,” you sighed, “it was such an attractive stalactite, too.” You figured it was unfair to stay upset at him, because without his help you wouldn’t have been able to install large rocky fixtures onto the ceiling at all.

Sollux uncovered the top half of what looked like the head of a statue and turned to Rose with an apologetic smile. “Ehehe, whoops. I think I broke your center piece thing, Rose.”

“It’s alright,” she said as you helped her to her feet. “The rock statue I was working on for the past three hours wasn’t all that important.” Her body language betrayed her, but it didn’t look like Sollux noticed.

Dave picked up a dismembered hand of the trashed statue and poked Rose in the shoulder with the finger. She slapped it out of his hand and gave him a brief, but sharp, glare.

After the psionic troll cleared more of the debris, he revealed a nice looking crater left in the loamy layer of dirt that covered the laboratory floor. You could work with that, but now you had a bunch of rocks to get rid of and one less stalactite for the grubs to choose from when the time came for them to pupate. You had to make sure you had at least one for each grub to spin their cocoon from because otherwise strife could break out over prime ceiling spikes.

“We’re going to need to replace the stalactite,” you said. “But first, could you turn these rocks into more soil, Sollux?” The troll nodded and started collecting the rocks in a pile in preparation for breaking them down. “But we can rest before doing anything else. I really appreciate the assistance.”

Everyone nodded and added in their “my pleasure” and “not a problem.”

With that, they were ushered out of the ectobiology lab while you double checked the room’s configurations via the control panel on the wall. Ectobiology apparently requires a very controlled setting for the slime to turn out correctly, so the lab was equipped with a plethora of settings to control the room’s temperature, humidity, and other atmospheric aspects. It was also located surprisingly deep in the meteor, so it was the perfect choice for the makeshift brooding cavern. It deprived Karkat of his personal space, but he didn’t seem to mind too much. 

Speaking of Karkat, you should probably go check on him. 

You turned to see Rose still in the room, her hands behind her back as she looked around the large, no longer empty-looking ectobiology lab. She was admiring the scenery, and you walked up beside her to join in the appreciation.

When Dave first saw what you did to the place, he commented with “It looks like those sparkly grottos straight out of the animes.” You had to admit that the result of your work had an ethereal quality to it, and it was hard to believe you started out with almost nothing more than rocks and rotting chess monster meat. 

You had carved and arranged several rock structures around the ectobiology lab to give it a natural, cavernous feel. The metallic floor was covered with layers of soil, thanks to Sollux and Rose using their powers to utterly disintegrate rocks. The meteor rocks and the derived soil proved to be very fertile and were perfect for the plants while the meat, however distasteful the flesh and the blood were, grew fungus like mad. 

The ceiling still needed work; there were now only four stalactites, but the way they were arranged in relation to the sun moss growing in the center cast lovely shadows. This special lichen-like organism radiated strange energy that allowed plants to grow underground, despite it giving off such little actual light. The humans commented on how it was still very dark to them, their eyes not as accustomed to the setting as a troll’s. However, they still appreciated the other glowing plants and mosses that released flickering spores to dance through the air. It was almost sad that they were destined to be consumed by ravenous trolls as they matured through their various instars.

All in all, you were almost done. You think you may need to put a water fixture, like a small pond or fountain, just in case a sea-dweller is spawned, but the chances of that are extremely low to your understanding.

“It’s looking great,” Rose commented, her eyes still surveying the room.

You proudly hummed your agreement. “It does, doesn’t it? I had my doubts I’d be able to pull it off, to be perfectly honest. All of your help made this come out a lot better than I’ve hoped.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask this, but how did you get all the seeds for the plants anyway?”

“I’ve had them for a long time,” you explained, “I used to pick things up all the time after I got my sylladex, and various seeds and spores were among the things I put in it.” The empire made sure jadebloods were familiar with the actual flora of the brooding caverns by sending samples of them every so often. “It was frustrating, though; the nature of my fetch modus made a lot of things inaccessible unless completely necessary, so I always had cards unavailable to me at some point. I never really keep track of the locked cards and it just so happened that some of them were locked away for sweeps for this reason in particular.”

“That sounds rather convenient.”

“Until you trip over the box containing the key,” you quickly responded with the slightest bit of irritation.

“Strange, I’ve never seen you trip.”

“Good. That’s how I want it. I assure you that there’s little more embarrassing than falling on your face in front of a proper lady.”

She smirked and put a hand on your shoulder softly. “Oh, you poor thing. I didn’t realize you tried so hard!” 

You rolled your eyes and chuckled. “Interestingly, it’s only happened to me a handful of times over the sweeps, but it’s happened to John almost as many times in just the last few weeks.”

“That’s a lot of tripping for someone who can fly.”

“Agreed.”

“Now that we’re on the topic of John, I’ve noticed you’ve been spending quite a bit of time with him, and, if I’m not mistaken, the time with him seems to exceed how much I myself hang out with you nowadays.” You glanced at her, genuinely confused to what she was getting at. “I find this completely unacceptable. What do you guys even do?”

“Nothing really,” you answered with a noncommittal shrug, “we just converse, usually about Karkat.” You did spend a lot of time talking to John because both of your current duties synced up pretty well. Often, Karkat would be asleep when you checked on him so you just chatted with John until he woke up. The range of topics you talked about broadened with time, now that you thought about it.

“We do discuss troll movies and novels every once in a while,” you admitted. Rose turned to you with surprise written across her brow.

“John actually _read_ those troll romance novels I recommended to him?”

“Read being a tentative term,” you began. “It basically comes down to him having a basic understanding of the plot just so he can have some context when he gets to the porn.”

“See, _that_ I can believe. At least he’s done more with them then Dave, or even Terezi. At least three out of five people are available for future book discussions. I’ll just store that knowledge away for later use.” She turned away from you and back towards the terrarium. “I’m still surprised you two are getting along extraordinarily well.”

“I suppose. It’s quite a ways from my thinking of him being a moron when I first talked to him.”

“And now here you two are, discussing troll porn and bonding over Karkat’s pregnancy. Quite the flip, hm?”

You gave her a questioning look because her tone seemed to be insinuating something, but you just couldn’t fathom what. She simply looked at you out of the corner of eye and raised her brows like she was privy to something you weren’t (though, that is usually the case when concerning Rose). You had no idea what she as thinking.

Before you could address her about it, her headband dinged. She did a quick read of whatever message was sent to her and her face turned a bit more serious.

“Sorry, Kanaya, I have to go handle something. I’ll see you later?”

“Of course.”

With that, she stepped onto the transportalizer and vanished to handle whatever it was she got messaged about. How mysterious.

 

**== > Kanaya: Go check on Karkat**

Upon completing the series of hygiene rituals required after working for so long in the ectobiology lab, you made your way down the hall to John’s room. While in transit, you tried not to think too hard about what Rose was getting at with those raised, attractive eyebrows of hers. Dwelling on it would probably drive you mad before you figured it out. It was a question best pondered for another time, you concluded.

“John, Karkat, are you busy?” you asked, rapping on the door.

“No, come in!” you heard John say from inside. 

You activated the door and stepped in, immediately noticing the boys lying parallel to each other on John’s bed, bathed in the glow of the television. They were on their backs with a bowl of burst earth kernels (popcorn, you remembered) on the floor between them, their heads dangling off the foot of the bed. The television was upside down, you were soon aware of. You resisted the growing urge to ask why it was in such a position, because the answer was probably ridiculous.

“What’s up, Kanaya?” John asked when you approached the bed.

“Just coming by to see how things are going,” you responded.

“Wow, it’s time for my routine grope session already? Time sure does fucking fly,” Karkat grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. He was looking especially ornery, but you didn’t think anything of it. 

“I can come back until after you finish your film,” you suggested.

“Yeah, I’d rather wait until afterwards.”

“You don’t have to go, though! Watch the movie with us!” John scooted over closer to Karkat and patted the empty space on the other side of him. With a shrug, you maneuvered and laid yourself on the empty spot of the mattress, following their example and dangling your head off the foot so you could properly view the movie.

“So what are we watching?” you asked.

“This is,” John paused to clear his throat and started talking in a low voice, as if to mimic an announcer, “ _In Which Our Two Heroes Go On Their Second Adventure Against A New Foe; One Finds A Matesprit, Incurring the Jealousy of her Companion And Making Him Wax Black For Her; She Doesn’t Reciprocate Until He Harasses Her New Matesprit and Sparks a Rivalry For the Ages; Includes Angsty Minor Character Interactions, The Closing of Two Loose Ends From the Previous Movie; At Least Three Off Screen Pailings Are Heavily Implied_.” He took a deep breath after such an impressive title recitation. “Did I get that right?”

“Meh, close enough,” Karkat said, earning a smile from the human.

“Oh, I remember this one,” you stated, recognizing the scene where the jealous protagonist kidnaps the other’s matesprit in order to spark the rivalry mentioned in the long-winded title.

“It doesn’t really measure up to the first one,” John commented.

Karkat gasped, clearly outraged. “What the hell are you talking about? This one is great!”

“It’s still good, but…” John shrugged as he gathered his thoughts. “It’s just not as exciting.”

“I have to agree with John,” you added. “This one is sorely lacking the thrill the previous one had. I’m not one to be unwelcoming to more romantic interactions, but it feels contrived and overall detrimental in this case.”

“The both of you are out of your pans,” Karkat said, gesturing at you dismissively. John held up his hand, prompting the customary full palmed clap of camaraderie from you. You obliged him.

“Come on, Karkat! Sequels are almost always worse than the originals.”

“I’m not hearing that swill! Clearly, neither of you possess anything resembling taste when it comes to brilliant cinematics. You are both complete and utter lost causes and I should give up trying to get you to understand the wonderful complexities of my favorite movie sequels!”

His human matesprit giggled and focused his attention back on the movie, becoming enamored with the high tension scene riddled with explosions. His face betrayed his enjoyment of this sort of thing, but it wasn’t as if he made an effort to conceal it.

“And then they bone,” John said as the screen blacked out in the midst of the two protagonists’ heated hate make-out session. He put a handful of the popped corn into his mouth before continuing. “Number two of three offscreen pailings! Last time, I kinda missed where number three was. Karkat, make sure to tell me if I miss it again?” He waited for an answer, but got none. “Hellooooo, Karkat?”

He looked over to his matesprit, and saw that he was sleeping, his mouth hanging open and arm dangling over the popcorn bowl.

“Welp,” John sighed. “He fell asleep again.”

“This happens often?”

“Yeah.” John flipped himself over and sat on his knees so that he could pull Karkat away from the edge of the bed. Leaving him to sleep like that would no doubt give him a bad crick in his neck. “Fourth movie in a row, actually!”

“I wasn’t aware that he fell asleep so randomly.” You knew he slept a lot but not that it was such a sudden occurrence, due to you being so busy in the ectobiology lab. You thought it would’ve staved off once he was getting adequate rest.

The human took his previous position next to you to resume watching the movie, but not without taking one of Karkat’s hands and lacing it with his. It was then that you felt like you had to ask the question looming over your head since stepping into the room. Your willpower could only persist for so long.

“So, is there any pertaining reason to why the television is in an inversed position?”

John chuckled. “Karkat was getting fussy because he couldn’t find a comfortable position to lie on the bed besides his back. He was like, _this_ close to flipping his shit, so I flipped the screen first.”

“Clever, I suppose.”

“He’s been really frustrated lately, but not in the way he usually is! Usually he’s just grumpy, but now he seems… depressed.”

“Depressed? That’s not very auspicious. Do you have any idea why?”

“Uh, well…” He scratched the back of his head as he formulated his words. “For one thing, he’s upset that when we try to do things he’s always falling asleep.”

“I can see why that would be aggravating. Has Sollux noticed his drop in mood since the two of them have been hanging out?” 

“I don’t know, actually! One thing I _can_ tell you is that he needs to calm his troll tits and stop freaking out whenever Karkat has a flare up.” He started flailing his hands around to accentuate his mocking. “ _John, John he’s in pain what do I dooooo?! I have the power to blow up a small planetoid and the brains to hack a computer to the moon and back but can’t calm myself enough to listen to people telling me there’s nothing anyone can do and that the episode will pass normally! Bluuuuuurgh_ ”

His no-doubt-insulting rendition was an obvious over exaggeration, but you found it humorous nonetheless. “At least we know he cares?”

“I guess,” he relents, grinning back at you, “Karkat gets pissed off when he does it, too, but I wish he would let me get back at Sollux! I still owe him a pie to the face or a bucket of something nice and sticky dumped on him. Maybe rice pudding.” He put a hand to his chin and rubbed it, before grinning mischievously. “Yeeess, definitely rice pudding.”

Oh boy.

The movie played on, but you and John eased into a conversation that started dominating your attention. You told him how the brooding cavern was coming along, while also reminding him that the grubs, were in fact, actual grubs and not strange dependant human worm babies. He always seemed to forget that, but you made sure to remind him. He’s never seen an actual grub before, so you really wondered how he’d react when he finally saw them. There was really no way to tell until after they hatch.

He also asked about you and Rose. He _always_ asked about you and Rose. Now, you didn’t mind talking to him about it because you honestly felt more irritated at yourself for not being able to tell him something different than at him for constantly bringing it up. After that earlier weird spell between you and the seer of light, you were fortunate to have ended up pretty much where you’ve been before. The problem was that you were still pretty much where you’ve been before. No relationship progress to report here. Sorry John, no juicy gossip from this glowing broad.

To add to that, Rose seems to have another project going on. She has yet to tell you what it was, but you didn’t really press the topic because she spent quite a lot of time with you while putting together the brooding cavern. It probably wasn’t important.

“Do you still want to finish watching this movie?” John asked. “I have this strange, unexplainable feeling that it’s trying to make a point.”

“Why did you choose to watch this one?”

He shrugged. “It was Karkat’s idea, but I don’t know why he chose it. We’ve already seen this one once and we still have other troll movies full of implied porn we haven’t looked at!”

“I see. Either way, I wouldn’t mind if you turned it off.”

“Okay, cool.” He flips over and uses the remote to switch the screen off.

He got up to return the television back to its upright position, and you figured it would be good to ask how _other_ things were going with his matesprit.

“So John, have you and Karkat pailed recently?” You inquired while he was still holding the screen.

He proceeded to drop the television onto his foot.

“Oh,” you breathed, bringing a hand to your mouth. He cringed and bit his lip, pounding the side of his fist lightly at the wall to keep himself from screaming. Karkat shifted in his sleep, snorting a bit and otherwise not waking up from the sound the screen made when it fell.

“Kanaya!” he said in a loud whisper, face red. Whether it was from embarrassment or the pain of dropping a television on his foot, you couldn’t tell. “T-that’s not something you should really ask with Karkat _right there_.”

“I’m sorry. Karkat seemed well into sleep, and I thought it was in our normal range of conversational topics given what we normally talk about and the nature of that one conversation a few weeks ago.”

“Uh, yeah, _that_ conversation….”

 

**== > Weeks ago, but not many**

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

EB: quick question.    
GA: By All Means   
EB: wait   
EB: you know what nevermind.    
GA: Is Something Wrong With Karkat   
EB: no, no, nothing’s wrong, but it does have something to do with him.    
EB: it’s just   
EB: okay i think this is going to be weird regardless of how i ask it!    
GA: John Dont Worry About It   
GA: I Will Assist In Anyway I Can So Ask Away   
EB: alright.    
EB: it’s just that i’ve been thinking about this for a while and can’t seem to decide whether it’s a good idea.    
EB: i'm not sure if there would be any repercussions.    
EB: i mean there WILL be repercussions because seriously, this entire situation is just the hugest of repercussions of that thing!    
EB: it’s not like i can make the situation any worse when i think about it…   
EB: but what if i do!?    
EB: it wouldn’t be worth it!   
EB: so i think i need a second opinion before i do anything.    
GA: I Think It Would Be More Productive To Skip The Rambling And Ask The Actual Question So I Can Provide The Sought After Second Opinion   
EB: right, right…   
EB: i just wanted to know if it would be appropriate if karkat and i could   
EB: uh   
EB: do stuff.    
GA: That Really Does Not Help Me At All   
GA: Care To Be More Specific   
EB: uh, i am simply wondering if karkat and i could do the “dirty dance.”    
GA: I Do Not See Why Not Unless The Dance Routine Is Dangerous In Itself   
EB: what no! that’s not what i mean!    
GA: Am I Misunderstanding Something   
EB: i’m asking if you think it would be safe for us to form the beast with two backs? slap cheeks? or maybe bump uglies?    
GA: I Am Still Not Following   
EB: oh my god kanaya i just want to know i can HAVE SEX with karkat!    
GA: oh   
GA: OH   
GA: Why Did You Not Just Say So   
GA: I Find Your Earth Innuendo Used In The Place Of Pailing To Be Strange And Nonsensical   
GA: I Mean Slap Cheeks   
GA: That Sounds Like Overly Aggressive Shoosh Papping   
EB: bluh bluh cultural barriers…   
GA: Have You Two Not Been Pailing Anyway   
EB: not since that one time!    
GA: Really   
EB: what?    
GA: Nothing   
GA: Back To Your Question   
GA: I Honestly Can Not Say I Know Whether Or Not It Would Be Advisable In His Condition   
GA: So I Can Not Provide An Informed Opinion   
GA: But If You Like I Can Consult The Text   
GA: I Am Sure There Is Something On The Subject We Overlooked   
EB: sure!    
GA: Here We Go   
GA: Funnytroll States That Regular Flushed Relations During The First Three Quarters Are Not Detrimental Or Harmful In Any Way   
GA: As Long As They Avoid Flipping Black   
GA: How Interesting   
GA: It Says That Based On The Few Studies Conducted Regular Pailing Is Beneficial To The Clutch Due To Increased Bloodflow and The Release Of Specific Chemicals   
GA: Not To Mention That The Troll In Question Is Usually In Higher Spirits   
GA: Thus The Eggs Survival Rate Is Actually Higher   
EB: that’s interesting indeed!    
GA: John   
GA: I Do Not Think I Need To Remind You That This Clutch Is A Major Stepping Stone In The Repopulation Of My Species   
GA: So Please Understand That We Need The Highest Possible Survival Rate For These Grubs   
EB: um   
EB: is this your way of telling me to that i should sex up karkat regularly???    
GA: I Am Simply Exposing That Detail On A Raised Surface Where It Can Be Easily Observed By All Involved Parties   
GA: So Take It As You Will   
EB: and right now i'm taking it as you asking me to bone karkat all day every day for the good of the species.    
GA: Well   
GA: Within Reason Of Course   
EB: if we were face to face, you would see that my eyebrows are raised in utter and complete surprise.    
EB: they have scaled mount egbert’s forehead and are doing some weird yodel as we speak.    
GA: Face Fur Yodeling Aside Do You Take Issue With Such A Suggestion   
GA: Assuming It Was One And Not An Obvious Implication   
EB: uh, not really?    
GA: Excellent   
EB: i guess i should go find a bucket then?   
GA: Actually   
GA: You May Not Need To Since Karkat Apparently Will Not Produce Genetic Material During His Term   
EB: convenient! :D   
EB: no two hour cleanup like last time!    
GA: I Urge You To Be Gentle Though   
EB: excuse me!    
EB: i am the gentlest of lovers fyi!    
GA: If You Say So   
EB: geez kanaya i'll totally be careful, i know what i’m doing.    
EB: ;)    
GA: I Have No Reliable Information Pertaining To How You Two Conduct Flushed Relations So I Remain Skeptical Of Your Prowess   
GA: Since You Have Only Done This Once After All   
EB: ouch!    
GA: In Any Case Good Luck

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB].

EB: haha wow.    
EB: i really did not know what i was expecting when this started, but it wasn’t this! 

 

**== >**

Smack!

The realization of what Rose was getting at earlier all hit you at once (along with your palm). Knowing that humans did not have a quadrant system, your first guess was that she was becoming envious of the fact you were getting a little too comfortable around John. However, she seemed a little too amused by the notion. One who was becoming jealous would not have found it so entertaining.

Despite your initial impression of him, you found that John was rather easy to talk to, and his natural sincerity when he spoke was rather refreshing, as was his occasional bluntness. You were getting comfortable around John to the point that you could be heading towards feeling _pale_ for him, becoming a little more interested in his well being and holding his advice (if it can be seen as such) in higher regard than that of the average individual.

That was _just_ great.

The situation would be fine and dandy if it weren’t for two issues. One, moirallegiance was still a foreign concept to John despite how understanding he was of the importance of Karkat and Gamzee’s relationship. Secondly, he didn’t _need_ a moirail. Pursuing this would be barking up the wrong arboreal stability pillar.

Just another segment of quadrant frivolity in the lifespan of Kanaya Maryam, you supposed.

“Uh, what was that for?” John asked, confused at the sudden strike to your own face.

“Nothing.”

“That was a pretty epic facepalm! Doesn’t look like nothing to me.”

“I just remembered something I have forgotten is all,” you lied. “You needn’t worry.”

“Oooookay if you say so.”

“I apologize for asking that invasive question before. I was assuming too much.”

“No it’s fine!” he assured you. He leaned in close to your ear, glancing momentarily at Karkat before whispering “just want to make sure Karkat doesn’t hear me spewing stuff to everyone.”

“John, you do that anyway.”

“Not on purpose!” he objected, hopping back onto the edge of the bed while you righted yourself. “But telling you things is different because you’re actually pretty cool to talk to, unlike _some_ people are just ironically cool. I mean, that’s why I went to you to ask the question that started that last weird conversation in the first place!”

Oh dear, he thinks you’re cool to talk to. Stop right there, Maryam. Don’t get any hopeful thoughts. It will only end in disappointment and aching of the vascular pump. 

John glances back over at Karkat again. “Do want to just wake him up, Kanaya? It looks like he’s going to be out for a while.”

“Yes, let’s do that.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting pretty close to the point where I left off on the kink meme! I'm predicting approximately 4 more updates after this one, and I'll be caught up completely! :D

**== > Kanaya: Run routine grope session.**

“I have a question,” Karkat stated, still looking straight ahead to avoid making the situation any more awkward than it already was. The attempt was futile, because there was very little that could be done to make this situation any less so. This wasn’t even the most awkward part of the examination, truth be told.

You were sitting on John’s bed with Karkat standing in front of you. John himself was on the other side of the room putting something together. It was for Dave, because it was John’s turn in their feud if you recalled correctly.

“And I may have an answer,” you responded levelly while you continued what you were doing. “Hold your arms out, please.”

He complied, allowing you to move your hands up further up his shirt to press at specific points at his sides just below either of his armpits. He didn’t react to the pressure, which was good, so you slid your hands further back to his shoulder blades, forcing you to move forward a bit and closing the distance between your faces. There was still no reaction other than the thickening of the awkward air between you two and him slightly squinting due to your glowing skin being so close. That was normal, too.

“Let’s say you do find something wrong,” he proposed, “would there be anything we could actually _do_ about it?”

“Most likely not,” you admitted a little ashamedly, “It is obvious that our current conditions are probably the farthest possible from what would be considered suitable for your situation. To rectify a lot of the things that could go wrong would require extensive medical knowledge and, for the more drastic ones, equipment that we just do not have. That is also without mentioning the fact that none of us have the knowledge or experience to use such equipment, and what we know about our own anatomy has already been challenged and soundly defeated.”

“Wonderful,” he huffed, “Looks like our only tools at our disposal are a chainsaw, gratuitous amounts of baked goods and our endless font of raw optimism.” Despite the flippant and sarcastic response, you could still sense the bit of nervousness in his voice, so you tried to reassure him, even just a little.

“However, there are plenty of things that if found, we could remedy in other ways, such as through herbal means and a change in diet. Speaking of which, have you been able to satisfy your cravings?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. That signifies that you are getting the necessary nutrition for the most part.”

So far, things have been progressing well. Despite the book being in the “for Assholes” series, the amount of information in it was astounding. Using it as a guideline to gauge Karkat’s term as it progressed, you occasionally checked for abnormalities in his horns, drastic changes in his skin, and other signs that would point to something going amiss.

Currently, you were checking the sensory nodes that ran up his sides for any swelling or pain when they were touched. Karkat, being of a unique caste, forces you to make special considerations while checking his anatomy. You withdrew your hands from under his shirt, letting it fall to cover his visibly protruding stomach again before bringing them up to his jaw line, gently pressing your fingers just under it. No swelling or signs of discomfort in his glands.

“I need to check the final two below your waist,” you said.

“Can’t we just skip that part?”

“You already know we won’t,” you replied flatly.

“You ask that every time!” John yelled from across the room, apparently pouring something white and viscous into a small receptacle. Was that rice pudding? You hoped it was rice pudding. “Just let her check your weird sensitive bits and be done with it.”

“I should be the one deciding whether or not someone has permission to touch my ‘weird sensitive bits!’ So how about you shut the fuck up and stay in your corner, putting together… what the hell are you making _this_ time?”

“Pudding bomb!”

“At this point in our relationship, I’m no longer surprised.”

“I’ve trained you well, then,” John replied, grinning over at his matesprit.

You looked at Karkat with a slight air of impatience. He finally gave a defeated sigh before nodding, granting you permission to slide your hands down his sweat pants on either side of his hips. It was just as awkward for you as it was for him, but it had to be done if you wanted to be adequately thorough.

When you pressed at the nodes, he subtly drifted to his left away from your touch. You looked up at his face and noticed no signs out of the ordinary, so you pressed your fingers into that spot again on his right hip, this time with a little more pressure. You caught him wincing as you did so.

“Karkat, what was that?” you asked expectantly.

“What was what?”

You glowered at him. “ _Karkat._ ”

“Okay, okay, it’s just a little tender. That’s all,” he relented.

“That is not very informative,” you stated. “Rate it for me on this scale: one being the equivalent of poking a bruise with masochistic interest and ten being chewed through by my chainsaw.”

“Kanaya, I have absolutely no clue, nor desire, to know how being chewed through by-“

“Answer the question, please.”

He shrugged. “A one, maybe one and a half. I don’t fucking know.”

“That’s not too bad. The flare ups might just be causing some lasting inflammation of the nerves, and as long as the pain does not escalate or the node does not swell, there should not be any concern. I would avoid sleeping on that side, however.” 

He nodded, and you removed your hands from his pants, finally done with the slightly invasive inspection. You still needed to examine his horns, so you motioned him to a take a seat on his pile in front of you. He complied, turning his back to you and leaning back so you had easier access.

John, apparently satisfied with his creation (“weapon of mass japery” was written on the side… okay, John), captchalogued it and headed out of the room, leaving you and Karkat by yourselves. You saw this as an opportunity to see how much of what he said about Karkat’s mood was true. You did notice he was a little down during the inspection, but it could just be the hormones.

“So, how are you feeling so far?” you asked as you started parting the hair near his left horn. 

“Wasn’t that supposed to be the purpose of you feeling me up?”

“I do not mean physically.”

“I’m fine.”

Satisfied with the lack of anything out of the ordinary concerning his left horn, you switched to examining his right before saying, “you certainly don’t sound fine.”

“It’s nothing,” he said, sounding a little less sure of it himself. Something definitely seemed wrong, but you had a feeling you wouldn’t get much of anything out of him.

“Have you been partaking in feelings jams with your moirail?” He looked at you, surprised briefly written across his face because it wasn’t any well-kept secret how much you disliked the idea of Karkat seeing Gamzee while he was pregnant. Every time you thought about the clown, you had to suppress the urge to hiss irritably.

“You’re being awfully nosy.”

“I am only being concerned for you. It is what friends do.”

“Sounds more like meddling.”

“You may call it that if you are so inclined, but my concern still stands.” You waited a moment for him to say something. He does not, so you decided not to pry to further into things concerning his insane moirail. “Have you tried speaking to John about things?” His ears twitched and you knew he heard you. “It’s to my understanding that your relationship has somehow successfully incorporated traits and romantic practices from both of our respective cultures without imploding in on itself. So I’m wondering if you have ever considered your matesprit as a viable outlet for more things pale.”

“I’ve… thought about it,” he said, sounding a little guilty, you were able to catch. “I can tell he wants me to tell him things but he seems to know how to pull the fuck back and not nag me about it. It’s great he doesn’t try to meddle,” he said fondly, before adding under his breath, “unlike _some_ people.” You knew very well who he was referring to, so you flicked his horn. “Ow! Hey!”

“Sorry, it was an accident,” you lied. “Do continue.”

“It’s just that I doubt he could do anything besides smother me in human love and affection.”

“Would that help?”

“Yes… no… uh, maybe? He does that anyway, so probably not,” he sighed. The conversation soon died down again, so you decided to just focus on inspecting his horns. Those seemed to be fine, so you placed both hands on his shoulders to signal that you were done. He moved to sit next to you on the bed, using a little more effort than what he’s used to. 

“Damn, I feel so heavy,” he lamented. “I’m so fucking sick of this.”

“If it’s any consolation, you are now into your third quarter. You are past the halfway point,” you offered.

“That’s not very much consolation at all.” With that said, you found it prudent not to tell him that the eggs do most of their growing in the third quarter. He’ll obviously find that out himself.

Karkat leaned back on his hands. “I have another question.”

“Go on.” 

“Let’s say we all beat this fucking game and not all die horrible deaths due to the combined levels of our varying incompetence. Would you allow yourself to go through all of this bullshit to repopulate our race?”

That was a good question, and one that you’ve already considered.

“If the conditions were more suitable, I would. I think it would be an interesting experience, and if it had to be done, I would do it.”

“I don’t find that surprising at all.” 

“But I am not one hundred percent sure if that could be a thing that could happen. I am technically undead, and the fact that the general vicinity where all of the necessary equipment resided was run through with a blast of ‘white science’ sows some doubt.”

“Oh…” His eyes turned downwards. You didn’t really blame him for almost forgetting that rather… unfortunate turn of events.

“And even assuming all my organs did properly regenerate and my being a rainbow drinker made no difference, I’d need to find a suitable donor.”

“Right, because human females don’t produce genetic material.”

“Exactly, so I would require you, Terezi, or the human boys to make an, ahem, gracious donation,” you said, almost chuckling at how ridiculous you sounded saying such a thing. You reached over and patted him lightly on his belly. “Though, I am leaning towards John since his prolificacy has already been tested.”

Karkat looked at you with mouth slightly agape in disbelief, but promptly closed it as if his brain stopped him from whatever he was about to say. He looked away from you and up at the ceiling, his face contorting in a strange combination of shock, horror, and morbid fascination. His face suddenly reddened.

“Oh my god.”

“Karkat, did you just imagine-“

“Oh my fucking god.” His face reddened even further and before you knew it, he got up, pulled you to your feet by your hand, and pushed you out of the door. “Kanaya, it’s been really swell and stuff, but you need to go. See you next grope session!” he said before the door whooshed close.

“I was merely joking!” you yelled to him from the other side. 

“Don’t care!”

“Joking about what?” you heard John ask outside of your periphery.

“I was simply speaking to Karkat, and he got all flustered about- oh my.” You cut yourself off when you became aware that the human right beside you was covered in rice pudding; his prank must’ve gone awry. Noticing your shock, he looked down at himself, then back up, sheepishly scratching at his sideburn with one finger.

“Yeah, the prank didn’t go exaaactly as planned.”

“Clearly,” you responded, crossing your arms and surveying the damage in full. It was… honestly a lot of pudding. It was in his hair, drenched his shirt, and it was obvious he could only see out of one of his glasses lenses. You were torn between bursting into laughter and being utterly disgusted. “You weren’t even gone for that long. Dare I ask how this happened?”

“I won’t go into details, but I _will_ say that Dave is getting awfully good at this. I’m gonna have to up my game! If I knew he would be this much of a challenge, I would have tried harder to get him to be my prank rival sooner. This is so great!” He caught himself acting a bit too giddy, so he reeled it back a bit. His reaction to the prank being turned on him was strange considering he probably lost a notable amount of ground in this battle of the gambits. That’s also taking into account that Dave really got him good not too long ago. All you really knew about it was that it involved a bottle of what was assumedly apple juice which somehow led to John exclaiming “BLUH” so loudly that the sound traversed half the meteor.

“Now excuse me while I go clean up. I think some of the rice pudding has oozed into a place I am not very comfortable having rice pudding, uh, ooze into.” He turned and entered his room, the door closing behind him.

“Haha, what the fuck, John?” You heard Karkat say from inside. “Looks like you just lost a hell of a lot of points, or whatever those stupid abstractions use to keep track of the horseshit you and Dave keep flinging in each other’s general direction.”

“It’s nothing I can’t recover from,” was his matesprit’s reply. “Just a slight miscalculation!”

“Miscalculation? More like complete backfire. You’re slipping, dude. Soon Dave will hold your coveted and totally worthless title of master prankster, and all of the prank-loving bitches would be clambering all over his cape-fluttering ass. Luckily for you there are none, because prank wars are stupid.”

“Pfft, I’ll show you backfire!”

“Hey, what are you doing? Get away!”

“I want a hug from my boyfriend to jumpstart the healing of my damaged ego.”

“Not when you’re covered in pudding!”

“It will be a delicious hug.”

“Holy fuck, stop! Don’t come near me, or I swear I’ll-”

“Come ooooon Karkat, I just want to touch you inappropriately while covered in dessert! It is on my bucket list!”

“That’s not funny no matter how much you think it is! Quit being dumb on purpose!”

John giggled manically. “This is _also_ on purpose!”

“Augh!” You heard the sounds of things falling and being knocked over (most likely Karkat), but you weren’t worried because Karkat fell into his own fit of laughter. “You unbearable piece of sky blue cloud shit!” he managed to say through it all.

“Ha! Now I have you where I want you! There is no escape.”

“Oh god, the pudding… it’s _everywhere_ … I… ungh…”

You took their sudden, intimate silence as your cue to leave. You needed to find something to do to tide you over until Karkat’s next grope sess- uh, you mean examination, because you were just getting shivers just thinking about the magnitude of the mess they were making.

 

**== > Be Karkat**

“Are you _still_ mad?”

“Yes,” you said, crossing your arms in front of your bare chest. You couldn’t believe he still had to ask that.

“I said I’m sorry! I’ll make it up to you later, okay?”

“How the hell are you going to go and get me all hot under the fucking collar, then just pull back like that? You’re a terrible pit curdling tease and you should be ashamed of yourself.”

“Come on, if we didn’t stop there, you’d have pudding in very bad places. You’d probably end up with some weird infection and having grains of rice stuck up your nook!” You let out a loud, grumbling sigh. God, you hate when he’s right. “Heads up!”

Splash!

Warm water rushed down your head and you cringed, not from the water itself, but from the feeling of it washing against your horns. At least he warned you this time. John insisted you bathe together even though a quick ablution was all you really needed after a sloppy, pudding themed make-out. It was because he totally freaked out when he saw the overly technical temperature control settings on the strange laboratory ablution traps.

_”But Karkat, we have to! The tub can warm your butt! It has a butt warmer! For your butt!”_

The argument of the century, right there, folks. There’s obviously no way to win against this guy in a debate.

You looked down at the reflection of your face in the bathwater. Needless to say you looked how you felt: frustrated in every sense of the word. You were watching stray grains of rice float over the image, pondering whether or not there was a poignant metaphor hidden somewhere in there that was vaguely relevant to the situation, when John started rubbing your back with a cloth. The action felt nice, as did the hot bathwater. It was soothing, especially around your belly, which has been feeling really stretched lately. It’s almost as if however many things that were in there grew every time you looked down.

You once asked Kanaya how big you were supposed going to get. She explained that it depended entirely on the number of eggs you were having, so it didn’t help at all. She also said that the eggs you’re supposed to be laying are bigger than the eggs laid by the mothergrub, since the grubs have been developing inside of you since conception and their shells won’t actually form until sometime during the fourth quarter. That was also unhelpful, since you didn’t really have an idea how big a normal mothergrub-laid egg was supposed to be. Hell, most trolls didn’t know anything about god damn troll eggs.

John chuckled at something under his breath.

“What’s so funny?” you asked.

“Just this stupid name for a new rung I rose to. Rice Breaker. Who comes up with this shit?”

“Rungs? Are you seriously rising higher on your god-tier echeladder because you got blown up by your own pudding bomb?”

“Huh? No, it’s not that ladder. It’s a different one called the Parentaladder.”

You turned to look at him. “Parental-what’s-it?”

“Parentaladder! It’s a new dealie I got after I passed out when we first learned I knocked you up.”

Oh, he has to be fucking kidding. 

“How is this situation even remotely fair?! You get a ladder and list of farcical achievements to increase your game attributes to obscene levels while the only thing I get out of this shtick is the ability to instantaneously fall asleep without warning whenever we get remotely close to having sex, the appetite of someone five times my size, and the constant uncomfortable swelling of my abdomen to accommodate these little fuckers as they push all my organs to the wayside. Wow, just… wow.”

You swear to god, if your offspring doesn’t end up being the most grateful bunch of motherfuckers to set their pointy little claws on this god damn rock you… well, you really don’t know what you’d do, but you bet your ass that it’d be hellishly unpleasant for all involved parties, and at least slightly unpleasant for those uninvolved.

“And why was I not informed of the existence of this new ladder?” you inquired, scowling down at the water between your legs.

“Didn’t you get one too? I never mentioned it because I just assumed you had something like it.”

“No, I have absolutely nothing to show for my forced involvement in this.”

“Oh… Maybe you have to unlock it? You guys don’t really have parents, so it might be called something else.”

“You know what, don’t fucking worry about it. It’d probably end up stupid and useless anyway,” you dismissed, briefly wondering how long it would take to drown in your dirty bathwater and whether or not you could pull it off without John noticing.

“Okay,” he said softly, dropping the subject immediately. “Huh, you still have a lot of rice in your hair,” he murmured once he finished with your back. He pulled a bottle out of his sylladex and squirted something into his hand.

“What’s that?”

“Shampoo. Duh.”

Before you could say anything further, his hands were in your hair, vigorously rubbing your- whoa, hey, that felt pretty nice actually. He was using just the right amount of pressure and was doing a pretty damn good job avoiding your horns.

“You have such nice hair,” he said out of nowhere. It sounded like he was about to start saying weird things again. “If we’re lucky, our kids get your hair instead of mine. Mine is wet, and it still sticks up everywhere!”

He was right, but you couldn’t really formulate a response; the way he was massaging your scalp was too pleasant. 

He stopped his ministrations for a moment. “Hehe, sproing!”

“What are you messing with now?” you asked.

“Your hair! It’s getting all curly!” He pulled a lock down in front of your face and let go of it. It bounced back up and coiled into a tight, soapy curl as John exclaimed “sproing” again. He immediately went back to scrubbing your head, so you didn’t have time to get upset at him for messing with your dumb hair. He gets way too excited over such little things.

“Also, I was wondering if you wanted to play a game with me against Dave and Terezi. After drenching me in my own pudding, he challenged me to a match on one of my dad’s Nintendo sixty-four games.”

“I guess so. It’s better than sitting in the room and doing nothing but fulfilling my ultimate purpose of being an incubator,” you said with a sigh.

“Sweeeeet. The game we’ll be playing, and kicking Dave’s ass in, is Mario Party 2.”

“It sounds terrible.”

“Pretty much!” 

A few more moments into the scrubbing, your rumble spheres were already kicking into high gear and you didn’t really care; it just felt so nice. At this point, John was probably still tending to your hair because you knew it would keep you purring like an idiot and he obviously gets off on that. You could allow him that at the very least, since you’re apparently useless for everything else.

You enjoyed the comfortableness of the situation, even though you could do without the stupid curled up hair and wrinkled skin from the ever-constant warm water and god dammit, what is that tickling on your belly? It felt really weird and you assumed it was John’s toes brushing against you.

“John, watch your feet.”

“Why? My feet are over here.” He lifted them and wiggled his toes, alerting you to their presence on either side of you just under the water at a notable distance from where you felt the tickling. 

Huh, strange. It must’ve been something you imagined, so you pushed it out of your mind so you could return to enjoying the scalp massage John was administering. 

Then it happened again.

You looked down and nothing was touching your stomach, and it felt like it was coming more from _inside_ than the outside. When you pressed down gently on the spot with your hand, it stopped. What the hell?

“Something wrong?” John asked.

“I… don’t know. Some weird feeling right here in my gut, like a fluttering.”

“A fluttering?” He scooted closer to you, leaning forward against your back and wrapping an arm around your waist to press his hand where you had yours. “Does it hurt?” You shook your head and he hummed thoughtfully. “Maybe it’s gas?”

“Maybe,” you said, not fully convinced. Whatever it was, it was gone again. “Can we finish up, here? I think I’m done marinating in our combined filth.” The unnecessary heat settings John had the tub on were starting to make you feel a like a cooked shellfish (which disturbed you on a multitude of levels) and your ass should never be this warm in relation to the rest of you. Seriously, who needs a butt warmer in an ablution trap?

“Heh, alright. Let me rinse your hair first.” He dipped his hand under the water to locate the cup he’d been using. “Incoming!”

Splash!

 

**== > Be Terezi**

You took a liberal swig of apple juice as you made your way back to the living area. Feeling particularly parched, you let the Mayor take your place for a quick round while you went to get yourself a chilled beverage. Dave got you hooked on “AJ” and the final verdict was that it’s pretty damn good.

After stepping through the transportalizer, you approached the loaded sofa from behind while the boys were prepping for the next minigame. You were able to catch a whiff of the name before they started; Handcar Havoc was this turn’s challenge.

“Come on Mayor, we’ve got to win this one. The safety of my stars is on the line here,” Dave stated when the countdown began. The Mayor nodded and stared at the screen with determination fitting of his station, tightly clutching the blue plastic control in his hands. 

This type of earth game controller was strangely designed in a way to make it impossible to have access to both the directional pad on the left _and_ the analog stick in the center of the three-pronged chassis without denying oneself access to the crucial colored buttons on the right. Luckily, none of the little minigames required the use of the impossible to reach “d-pad,” so the massive design flaw could be overlooked for now. You still demanded to know who designed the shitty thing when you first laid nostrils on it, but found some relief in knowing that whoever they were, they were most likely crushed by meteors or destroyed through some other horrid apocalyptic means.

Justice was served.

Seconds after the disembodied voice shouted “start,” it already wasn’t looking good for Dave and the Mayor. Princess Peach and Mario, Dave’s and your respective character choices, were going at a sluggish pace in comparison to the other team. All four players were pounding their controllers with vigor, so the disparity was a little confusing.

“Come on Mario, you can’t let the Princess pull your lasagna-ladened weight,” the cool kid whined. 

“This is what happens to genital fondling douches who go around swiping other people’s hard earned stars,” Karkat began, “they lose unexpectedly crucial minigames and get _their_ shit stolen next turn! Ha! I suggest you start prepping that five-pointed little bauble you will be forced to bequeath to me once we smoke you.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault you consistently roll one’s and two’s on the die,” Dave countered.

“Karkat and I are simply the best handcar operators! Look at us make these turns! Whoosh!” John exclaimed as their car went around a bend of track.

“Fucking professional handcar operating right here,” Karkat added. 

The two showed unsurprising amounts of synergy whenever they got teamed up for a minigame. It was also fitting that they both reeked of the same shampoo (though Karkat’s adorable locks were much more sniffable, all clean and curly).

John played as the “Luigi,” because he claimed he served as a ridiculous kind of “ghost buster” in another game. He is apparently genetically related to the “Mario,” who you’ve chosen due to his superior choice in apparel. Karkat played as Wario, who, from what you understood from the brief history the human boys gave you, was obviously pursuing a kismesitude with the Mario. Karkat said he could relate to the rotund, pink nosed man on a level that none of you could understand. You thought he was just a little nutty.

“Aw no! This is bullshit! Why are we going so slow!?” Dave questioned, maneuvering his controller every which way as his thumb tapped at the blue button on his controller. 

Wait, blue button?

You took a whiff in the opposing team’s direction and smelled that they, too, were pressing the blue button. You sniffed at the Mayor and couldn’t help but laugh a little. You knew why they were losing.

Placing a hand on his shoulder, you leaned over the back of the sofa to speak into his auricular cavity. “Mr. Mayor, you’re supposed to press the blue button. Not the green.”

He froze and looked down. He then slapped the sides of his carapaced cheeks with both palms and left them there, shocked at his blunder. This was a truly embarrassing moment for him.

Dave turned to you briefly, and you could smell the disbelief in his shielded expression. “Oh my god, are you joking?” 

You just grinned at him.

Immediately, their handcart started picking up speed now that Mario’s player was not pressing the brake button, but it was already too late. Wario and Luigi had already put too much distance in between them, leaving Mayor Mario and Princess Coolkid in their metaphorical dust.

“Boom! Victory!” John yelled, jumping to his feet when their cart passed the finish line. “Ten coins for us and nothing but dust for yooooou!”

“Yes, yes, ten coins, the necessary seed money to utterly wreck Strider’s standing next turn. But first, help me up. I have to pee.”

John grabbed Karkat’s hand and pulled him up in a swift movement. They both exited the room through the transportalizer, John saying that he needed something from the kitchen, so you hopped over the side of the couch and landed between the Mayor and Dave. The latter looked especially agitated, like a wiggler who was denied delicious fruit snacks by his lusus.

“Man, this blows!” he exclaimed, staring straight at the rapidly fluctuating die spinning above Wario’s head on the screen. Karkat’s turn was first, so you needed to wait until he came back to continue with the new round. It was probably the only time he rolled exceptionally high on that whimsical six-sided die that… somehow gave you numbers one through ten when broken. “With those ten coins, he has enough money to summon that asshole marshmallow with the god damn boo bell to steal John’s coins.”

“Why are you concerned about him stealing John’s coins?” you asked, baffled.

“Because then he’ll have enough to afford to steal a star when he passes boo again.” He pointed to the screen and, oh look, the game board’s boo location was only two spaces in front of him. “He and John planned to undermine me since last turn.”

“I don’t see why you’re so upset.” You had a pretty good idea, though. “I will still be in first, so as long as you stay in third, I believe the two of us would win this based on the rules we set in place!”

“That’s not the point,” he grumbled. You knew that, since the point was that losing a star would make him fall below John. Karkat would still sit in fourth place after the deed but it would jettison Dave from second to third, moving John up because he has an obscene amount of coins and would then have an equivalent amount of precious stars. You comfortably sat on first place because you rule at the Mario Party and its plethora of ridiculous minigames. 

Dave simply could not stand to lose to John, and you cackled inwardly at the fact.

The Mayor dropped his head, looking particularly remorseful, but Dave leaned across you and tapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, dude, it’s not your fault. We probably should’ve told you what the right button was.” He brightened immediately. Now that you’ve returned with your AJ to take your rightful place as the controller of the “Mario,” he was dismissed, running off to find Serenity and perform some of his mayoral duties. You believed there was some paperwork he had to get through.

With you and the cool kid the remaining people in the room, you splayed yourself all over the couch, resting your head in his lap. As an offering, you raised the bottle of AJ up to him, shaking it to get his attention. He takes it and looks at the mouth.

“I’m going to trust you haven’t been shoving questionable substances into your word hole in the past few hours,” he said before taking a quick swig and putting the bottle back in your hand.

“Need some pre-emptive paps for when you lose?” you offered. “I smell an emotional break down and a general flipping of shits when this ends.”

“What no. I’m going to turn this shit around and _bury_ Egbert.”

“ _That’s_ the determination I like to see! Can’t reign in a proper kismesis without that sort of attitude.”

He threw his hands up. “What is with you and Karkat and this dumbass kismesitude shit? Do I have to tell you exactly four hundred and thirteen times that it’s not and can’t be like that before you get it through your head?”

“It’d be a wonderful gesture, but no, I won’t stop because I really do see something there! You should just give it a chance!”

“See something? Girl, you’re crazy and obviously seeing things despite your pseudo-blindness. Next you’ll be telling me that you continue trying to screw with Mr. Preggers because it’s some indirect method to get John to hate me.”

“That’s exactly what I was doing.”

He looked down at you, once again smelling of disbelief. “What?”

“I knew after the third attempt or so that John’s unexpected level of wiliness and his overprotective tendencies would make getting what I want pretty much impossible. Hell, even Karkat by himself is making this difficult!”

“Then why keep trying?”

“Because it’d help you get under John’s skin, though it quickly became a little pointless since you decided to sit around and plan pranks instead of join me in my escapades!”

His palm hit his face. “I can’t believe this. So you’re basically trying to play hate matchmaker.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I still want to lick that belly of his. I was just culling two featherbeasts with one stone.”

“But seriously, we humans just can’t feel that way about people.” His voiced shifted to a mocking tone, “hey John I hate you so fucking much, so bring that hot rump over here so you can throw me against the wall and pound my ass until I cry out in ecstasy.”

“Dave, please,” you said, lightly slapping his chest with the back of your palm. “It’s a lot more complicated than that!”

“Whatever.”

You frowned, taking a thoughtfully sip of your juice, careful not to spill any. You had to think about how you were going to lay this on the cool kid. His denial of the prospect was getting a bit old. After a couple of finger-to-chin tapping moments, you knew how you were going to go about this.

“Excellent work earlier with the pudding,” you said.

He shrugged. “T’was nothing. Just some quick-fire sylladex action.”

“Hehehe, don’t sell yourself short cool kid. You sent that thing back before I could even process what the hell happened. And the look on John’s face! Simply delicious.”

You caught a glimpse of a smirk. “Heh, yeah.”

“After this, I’m sure he’s going to spend several hours trying to get back at you, working hard to devise the most devious of pranks to refill his gambit and drain yours.”

“Probably.”

“Don’t play coy, Dave! You know you like that. It’s the whole reason you’re nearly as invested in this stupid prank war as he is.”

“Just the competitive Strider nature is all, and it’s ironic as-“

“Come on,” you interrupted, “you know how this works, so try leaving the pungent dishonesty at the door. Admit it, you’re enjoying the attention.”

“Okay, so maybe it is nice to know he’s thinking of ways to drop copious amounts of various liquids on my head.”

“Don’t think I don’t notice that smug look you wear and that air of satisfaction wafting around you every time you get him good. Things like that don’t get past me, Dave! It smells like peaches and victory, don’t you know. It gets your delectable blood rushing, knowing he’s spending countless hours in his block trying to outwit you, so that you will never pass him and steal his title as prankster extraordinaire!”

He raised a single brow, and you lifted your head so you could properly sit at his side and throw an arm over his shoulders. “You’re not dumb, Dave! I know that you know this! You’re getting more attention from him than you’ve ever gotten after starting this meteoric journey, and it’s giving you all of the human boners! All of them.”

He opened his mouth to say something, but did not. His gaze went from your general direction down to his lap, and you noticed how his feet fidgeted and how his hands clutched briefly at the legs of his pants. Oh? Was that a tasty blush you smelled? It was a given that your words would get him thinking, and let’s face it, he definitely wants a reason to get his hands on John’s sweet rump.

“So let’s say you’re right and not just spewing out utter nonsense. What’s that mean?” he asked.

You socked him playfully in the shoulder. “That’s how kismesitude works, numb nuts! The way you two are going about it is juvenile and akin to wigglers playing in disgusting sand piles, but it is black romance in a nutshell!”

“I call bullshit.”

“Overruled!” you shouted, “you two have a full blown rivalry, and even I can tell John is just completely thrilled by this whole prank war arrangement. You’ve gained his weird prank-pulling respect, so now he considers you an equal that must not overtake him at all costs. You just have to up it a notch to get things going!” 

“And then we hatefuck, right?” he said half-heartedly. There was that one particular smirk he does whenever he was trying to be a smartass. 

“Jeez! Slow down cool kid!” you said, holding up your palms. “You might get an aggressive smooch at first, maybe, but you won’t know for sure until you at least try,” you offered. “This is sort of an unorthodox approach to the quadrant so let’s keep it real. No one knows how John will react.”

He sighed and lifted his glasses to rub at his eyes. “Fine. I’ll think about it. Assuming you aren’t as batshit crazy as you make yourself out to be, I’ll consider this stupid hatemance stuff.”

“Excellent! With that, I need your help for one last escapade.”

“I thought you said it was pretty much impossible to get to Karkat with John around? I doubt I’d be able to do any more than I was able to do previously without screwing with time.”

“A certain someone still owes me a favor. He’s the ace in the hole and the whole plan is based around his involvement.”

“Oh, Sollux.”

“Yes, Mr. Appleberry blast. I’m sure to get what I’m looking for, but you’re on your own after that, Dave! I can’t do everything for you.” 

He laughed. “God damn. Are you sure Kanaya’s the resident meddler? Because after this I think we might have to rethink that ruling.” You socked him in the shoulder again just as Karkat and John came back into the block. They took their seats and their controllers back in hand, settling themselves in to finish the game.

“Ready to lose?” John asked, looking at Dave.

“Hell no. I’m totally going to kick your rump in these last few turns,” Dave responded with renewed vigor. Nothing like a smug remark from your rival to get you back in the game.

You picked up your controller and chugged the rest of your apple juice. Now that you were sure Dave was on board, you had to go make sure Sollux was still good on his word. The Mayor had made it clear that he no longer wanted to participate after he got a better understanding of what was really going on. That was okay, and you respected his informed decision. He even mentioned that he was making something for Karkat, but he didn’t divulge any details.

If pulling the hacker troll into your ranks posed no issue, then the only thing you had to do was bide your time until everything fell into place. You planned on keeping this last attempt simple to make sure it was going to be quick, efficient, and, most importantly, successful! 

“Ready to lose your star, you piss poor excuse for a princess?” Karkat taunted after “stealing” some of Johns’ coins. Wario jumped to hit the block above his head, and got a one. There was nothing but boisterous laughter and the highest of fives coming from your and Dave’s side of the couch amidst Karkat yelling, “ _Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck_!”

Next turn, Karkles. Next turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would also like to state that Terezi's thoughts, for the most part, do not represent my true opinion on the design of N64 controllers. :P


	24. Troll Reproduction for Assholes Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entry is a tad longer than the other exerpts, and it also has two conversations following it that don't necessarily follow each other chronologically. The second one (started by Sollux) was an alternate conversation I had written for this entry and decided not to use, but I ended up posting it on the kink meme a little bit later in the midst of the normal chapters.

**== > Turn to not-necessarily-relevant section**

**Troll Reproduction Part 2: No Mothergrub past this Point! Section I: Seasons, part 1**

Alright, now that everyone has been acquainted with the horrible fact that trolls can be spawned minus the mothergrub middleman, let’s go into when this shit can actually happen.

There is a point to biological sex differences amongst trolls (Gasp! Shock and fucking _awe_ ) besides who the hell has inflated rumble spheres and who the hell doesn’t. Within a brood, a troll’s sex designates when, once reaching the appropriate age, a troll’s reproductive cycle begins. 

After reaching approximately six sweeps, the troll enters puberty. Besides all the usual disgusting adolescent changes, one half of the brood will immediately start its first cycle. The first half, the males, will be ripe for impregnation, peaking during the dark season closest to the middle of this period of time. Why the dark season? Why the fuck do you think? That abominable sun shows its blistering ass at the minimum during this time, allowing trolls more time to mingle and pail (or rather, unpail… or something. Pails were not intended to be involved whatsoever in this process) without fear of being blinded or burned to death. Our biological clocks have picked up on this little juicy tidbit and have adjusted accordingly over the millennia. Yay, evolution!

As the males slowly exit their season, which normally lasts a quarter of a sweep, give or take a few weeks due to nuances caused by the hemospectrum. There is a grace period, also a quarter of a sweep long, before the females have their turn. Their season will end, cue second grace period, then the males will enter it again. It’s a sweeply cycle.

Also, the seasons for trolls of the same brood are always synchronized. All males resulting from the same mothergrub (or troll) clutch will share the same timing for their cycles with all of their slurry brothers. The same goes for the females and their slurry sisters.

 

===

Now that that is out of the way, let us remove our heads from our uneducated nooks so we can further explain the effects of a troll’s reproductive season.

While it shares similarities to when other creatures go into “heat,” a troll would generally not notice when they first enter their cycle. More often than not, it will pass by completely without their knowing.

The only changes that really occur are the activation of a myriad of obscure glands, the prepping of the genetichamber, and the activation of the spore sac. All due to specific hormones of a passive nature produced only during a troll’s season.

However!

Upon establishing a matespritship (or something believed to be one by the in season troll), the pity humors stimulated by flushed emotions will trigger these hormones. Pheromones created by the matesprit’s pity humors will also trigger them. That’s when the similarities to “going into heat” start showing their asses and things start getting hot, because they begin to emit another type of pheromone that will stir their matesprit (and anyone else in the vicinity with healthily activated pity humors). A kismesitude will not trigger or be affected by seasonal hormones, but temporary flips to flushed can occur in some couples if enough pity exists in the relationship. In any case, kismesitude is not conducive to this type of reproduction, and the hormones produced by strong emotions of romantic hate can actually be detrimental to the process.

At this point, trolls will be overwhelmed by feelings of lust and need, and will literally throw themselves at their matesprit (or a possible substitute) and/or let their matesprit have their way with them. They experience overall increased sensitivity and blah blah blah, sexy times usually ensue. Your usual animalistic sex bullshit. The strength of these urges and the level of sensitization a troll will experience will often be affected by their position on the hemospectrum. They are stronger and more apparent amongst lower blood castes, and can be near nonexistent to blue bloods and beyond. Extreme exceptions to this rule are jade bloods, which is explained in the appropriate section (skedaddle to ye old hemospectrum section).

An interesting note, and a usual telltale sign that one has entered their season (if the uncharacteristic carnal desire didn’t make it obvious enough), is the increased inclination towards nook stimulation. Nerves around and in the nook become notably sensitized, lubricating fluids will be in greater supply, and the troll will begin to generate more heat than usual during sexual activity, especially in the crotch. The bulge will play a more minor role, and will often stay sheathed for longer than usual despite even intense stimulation. There are some cases where the bulge will not reveal itself at all during copulation. 

Asshole Notes: This is (generally) not a type of bulge dysfunction when you are in season! So calm your tits. If you are not in season and your bulge turns out to be a no-show, then why the hell are you reading this!? Are you some kind of slime-brained retard? Go see a god damned specialist! I’m surprised your bulge hasn’t shriveled up and fallen off by now, you fucking idiot!

 

===

Before moving on to biological protocol proceeding getting boned while in season, we shall briefly explore the effect of sopor slime, a major component of most trolls’ lives.

A troll’s reproductive seasons are stopped _completely_ if they use sopor slime in their recuperacoon on a regular prolonged basis. The widespread use of sopor slime during daytime, alongside the efficiency of the mothergrub system, is one of the main reasons this method of reproduction has all but diminished and, after a point, why it’s usually not considered common knowledge (if its general unpopularity didn’t have a say in it in the first place).

Ingestion of sopor slime over a long period, usually through addiction, can and will utterly destroy a troll’s spore sac, making impregnation impossible and effectively sterilizing the troll when concerning this method (their genetic material will regain effectiveness after sobriety is achieved, however, so participation in the mothergrub’s slurry and impregnating another troll is still possible. Consider yourselves lucky you sopor addicted douchebags). However, small doses after intercourse, or a period of sleeping in it for two days or so, make for effective birth control without interrupting the cycle. The toxins disrupt the necessary hormones and make any released eggs unviable. 

Trolls do not start to see the return of their cycle until at the least two thirds of a sweep sleeping off of the green crud, and they must stay off of it to avoid any crippling defects in their eggs or miscarriages after impregnation.

Alright assholes, we’re done with this section, so please move your pathetic panless husks to the next one. Scoot! I’m sure you don’t have all fucking day. 

 

**== > Turn to “An Asshole’s Glossary”**

**dark season:** periods of the sweep where the nights are longer. Also the time where reproductive seasons peak.

**sopor:** addictive, pan-rotting, green slime that’s mostly used to induce sleep, but also fucks up your internal chemistry enough to stop your cycle with prolonged exposure.

 

**== > ******

******** TEREZI: TH1S 1S 4 L1TTL3 D1STR3SS1NG!   
DAVE: what is   
TEREZI: 4CCORDING TO TH1S 1 COULD B3 ENT3R1NG MY S34SON 4T 4NY MOM3NT!    
TEREZI: K4RK4TS S34SON ST4RT3D 4ND 3ND3D SO 4BRUPTLY   
TEREZI: BUT 1T COULD H4V3 B33N 4NYWH3R3 FROM TH3 B3G1NN1NG TO TH3 M1DDL3 WH3N H3 P41L3D JOHN.    
TEREZI: TH3 L4CK OF A R3F3R3NC3 T1M3L1NE 1S R34LLY NO H3LP    
DAVE: also remember that the time you guys landed on alternia might have desynced the ol calendar   
TEREZI: >:0   
TEREZI: 3V3N MOR3 D1STR3SS1NG!!    
DAVE: i can totally see karkles jumping johns bones once he hit hump o clock   
DAVE: john probably had one of his random moments of derpy romance and BAM   
DAVE: thats it thats all   
DAVE: but you being on the upper half of the hemowhatever would probably make it so you never notice your season   
DAVE: that and the fact you dont have a matesprit   
TEREZI: …   
TEREZI: SOOOOO, D4V3.    
DAVE: sup   
TEREZI: 1 PR3S3NT TO YOU 4 HYPOTH3T1C4L!    
TEREZI: S4Y 1 DO 3XP3R13NCE SUDD3N CH4NG3S 1N MY L1B1DO.    
DAVE: ok   
TEREZI: W1LL YOU T4K3 C4RE OF M3 WH3N 1M OV3RCOM3 W1TH 4N 1NS4T14BL3 N33D TO B3 B3NT OV3R A P41L?    
DAVE: shit terezi of course   
DAVE: you know i always have your back   
TEREZI: RE4LLY NOW?    
TEREZI: OH GOODNESS!!    
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1 JUST M4Y SWOON!    
DAVE: yep   
DAVE: ill be sure to lock you up so you dont get knocked up   
DAVE: youll have your own little cubicle with no access to dick whatsoever   
DAVE: alien or otherwise   
DAVE: with extra protection from a sbhj chastity belt   
DAVE: the conk bloker 3000 patent pending   
TEREZI: >:/   
DAVE: everyone will be on genetic material lockdown up in this piece   
DAVE: access fucking denied   
DAVE: itll feel like you got excockmunicated from the church of supahsexytimealism   
TEREZI: TH4TS NOT R34LLY WH4T 1 H4D 1N MIND BUT OK4Y.    
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1T’S ST1LL SUCH 4 SW33T THING FOR YOU TO DO!    
DAVE: hey no licking   
TEREZI: BUT YOU D3S3RV3 TH3 P4L3ST OF F4C3 L1CKS! >:]   
DAVE: seriously though   
DAVE: we cant be having little legislacerators running around licking everything   
DAVE: im already having issues imagining the little egbert vantas fusions infesting the place   
DAVE: fuck can you even imagine   
TEREZI: I B3T TH3Y WOULD B3 4DORK4BL3!    
DAVE: if you mean shouty and mischievous little bastards   
DAVE: then i agree completely   
TEREZI: H3H3H3   
DAVE: its going to be fucking disaster i can feel it   
TEREZI: 1 KNOW!!!   
TEREZI: 1 C4NT W41T TO T4ST3 TH3M!    
DAVE: yeah see   
DAVE: its shit like this that makes you trolls seem like infanticidal maniacs with cannibalistic tendencies   
TEREZI: BL444H YOU KNOW D4MN W3LL TH4TS NOT WH4T 1 M34N!    
TEREZI: SH33SH!! 

****

******== >** ** **

******** SOLLUX: wh0a, so y0ur bulge might not even c0me out while in seas0n?    
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT IT SAYS. BUT IT DIDN’T APPLY IN MY CASE.    
SOLLUX: yeah, you were pr0bably having to0 much fun getting it up the no0k to even n0tice anything.    
SOLLUX: and i’m still waiting on th0se details, nudge nudge wink wink.    
KARKAT: FUCK YOU AND YOUR SUGGESTIVELY FLAPPING OCULAR SKIN LIDS. YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANYTHING OUT OF ME.    
KARKAT: AND WINKING WITH YOUR BLIND EYE IS THE FARTHEST IMAGINEABLE THING FROM BEING EVEN REMOTELY CUTE.    
KARKAT: THAT HORRID DISPLAY SHOULDN’T EVEN COUNT AS A WINK.    
SOLLUX: eheheh, fine.    
SOLLUX: but i've come t0 the palpable conclusi0n that you are the resident n0n-human expert on human genitals.    
SOLLUX: the male kind anyway.    
KARKAT: WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS?    
SOLLUX: i’m saying that i'm curi0us, what’s a human bone bulge l0ok like?    
KARKAT: ARE YOU REALLY BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?    
SOLLUX: yes.    
KARKAT: I AM NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND DESCRIBE ALIEN JUNK TO YOU.    
SOLLUX: c0me on kk, what’s the big deal?    
SOLLUX: i kn0w, i'll just throw 0ut any and all crazy alien genital descriptions and y0u tell me if i'm getting close.    
KARKAT: PLEASE DON’T.    
SOLLUX: is it s0me sort 0f spiked monstr0sity?    
KARKAT: …   
SOLLUX: no spikes?    
SOLLUX: maybe it’s tw0 inches in diameter when aroused!    
SOLLUX: y0ur face is blushing something fierce, am i getting cl0se?    
KARKAT: OH SWEET JEGUS, REFRAIN FROM TALKING RIGHT THIS INSTANT BEFORE I SHOVE SOMETHING LARGE AND ABRASIVE UP A RANDOM ORIFICE ON YOUR PERSON!    
SOLLUX: i'm totally getting cl0se.    
SOLLUX: i bet his massive bulge filled you up real g0od.    
KARKAT: HOLY PANTS PISSING FUCK, YOU ARE TERRIBLE IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE ASPECT AND IT’S BECOMING INCREASINGLY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO NOT WANT TO FIND A WAY TO SUCCESSFULLY LAUNCH MYSELF INTO ONE OF THE MANY MAWS OF WHATEVER HORROR BEAST WE ZOOM PAST TO AVOID LISTENING TO YOUR IMBECILIC RAMBLINGS ABOUT HUMAN BULGES.    
SOLLUX: i have m0re alien junk ideas i can throw 0ut, o0o0o0h wait.    
SOLLUX: ho0ks!    
KARKAT: IF I FUCKING TOLD YOU, WOULD YOU JUST SHUT RIGHT THE HELL UP AND NEVER BROACH THIS SUBJECT EVER AGAIN?    
SOLLUX: yes.    
KARKAT: FINE.    
KARKAT: UH, LET’S SEE.    
KARKAT: IT’S KINDA LIKE A GRUB DOG OR SOMETHING.    
SOLLUX: when it’s out?    
KARKAT: IT’S ALWAYS OUT.    
SOLLUX: freaky.    
KARKAT: AND THE SHAMEGLOBES JUST SORT OF DANGLE RIGHT UNDER IT.    
SOLLUX: that d0esn’t sound practical.    
KARKAT: IT’S NOT. IT’S THIS HUGE GLARING WEAKSPOT FOR ANY ASSHOLE LOOKING TO INCAPACITATE THEM.    
KARKAT: TRIED AND TESTED.    
SOLLUX: 0h really?    
KARKAT: YES, NOW STOP INTERRUPTING.    
KARKAT: OKAY, UM, NOW WHEN IT GETS AROUSED, IT GETS BIGGER AND HARDER.    
SOLLUX: how big are we talking?    
KARKAT: YOUR CONSTANT INTERJECTIONS ARE MAKING THIS A LOT MORE DIFFICULT THAN THIS REALLY FUCKING NEEDS TO BE!    
SOLLUX: y0u are just being an overdramatic assh0le.    
KARKAT: WELL EXCUSE ME FOR APPEARING TO HAVE SOME SEMBLANCE OF SHAME, BUT I GUESS THAT’S CLEARLY NOT DIFFICULT TO DO WITH SOLLUX “GOES AROUND ASKING ABOUT PEOPLE’S BULGES” CAPTOR IN MY PRESENCE.    
SOLLUX: all i’m asking for is a sense of scale.    
SOLLUX: here, draw it.    
KARKAT: UGH! FINE!    
SOLLUX: …   
KARKAT: …   
SOLLUX: y0u’re such a shitty artist.    
SOLLUX: at least i know what y0u haven’t been doing this past sweep.    
KARKAT: SHUT YOUR DOUCHE FILLING MOUTH.    
SOLLUX: i d0n’t even know what i'm l0oking at.    
DAVE: ikr his technique is terribad   
KARKAT: AUGH!    
KARKAT: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM?    
DAVE: was just passing by when it was like   
DAVE: whoa   
DAVE: my someones drawing a dick senses are tingling and i had to jump into action   
DAVE: im glad i did because this visual aid is just atrocious   
DAVE: what the hell are these supposed to be   
KARKAT: THOSE ARE SHAMEGLOBES, WHAT ELSE WOULD THEY BE?    
KARKAT: I WOULD THINK YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WOULD RECOGNIZE THEM.    
DAVE: no no no   
DAVE: that looks nothing like a pair of balls   
DAVE: here let me show you how its done   
KARKAT: HANDS OFF BULGE LICKER!    
DAVE: come on dude fork it over so i can draw you some prime dickage   
SOLLUX: dickage?    
KARKAT: I CAN DRAW BULGES PERFECTLY FINE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.    
KARKAT: NOW STOP!    
DAVE: no way   
KARKAT: ARE WE REALLY GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN?    
KARKAT: REALLY?    
DAVE: hell yeah except this time i cant pull the ol cape and suplex maneuver since youre carrying precious cargo   
DAVE: and we all know we draw the best dicks working together   
DAVE: see   
DAVE: look at that baby   
DAVE: fucking flawless   
SOLLUX: w0w guys, we’re not getting anywhere with this.    
DAVE: no shit its not like youre any help standing there staring at my crotch   
SOLLUX: in my defense, i’m still waiting t0 find out what a human bulge is supp0sed to l0ok like since y0u two are t0o busy having y0ur little hate spat.    
SOLLUX: am i smelling spades?    
DAVE: fuck no   
KARKAT: OH PLEASE, ROUND UP YOUR OVEREXCITED EYEBROWS AND TIE THEM DOWN ALONGSIDE YOUR DEFECTIVE EYE FLAP.    
KARKAT: MY HATE KNOWS NO BOUNDS FOR THIS CAPE-CLAD CROTCH FONDLER BUT IT IS COMPLETELY PLATONIC.    
KARKAT: PLUS HE HAS A MASSIVE HUMAN HATEBONER FOR SOMEONE ELSE.    
DAVE: shut up i do not   
KARKAT: THERE HE GOES WITH HIS TIRESOME DENIAL AGAIN!    
JOHN: hey guys!    
JOHN: uh, what are you two doing?    
KARKAT: PERFECT TIMING! WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU AND HOW MY LIFE HAS DEGENERATED INTO SOME PATHETIC EXISTENCE WHERE I FIGHT WITH A TOOL OVER DRAWING BULGES.    
KARKAT: LOOK HOW FAR I’VE COME!    
DAVE: lies   
DAVE: we were just drawing dicks so dont mind us   
DAVE: just a couple of dick artists in action   
DAVE: drawing   
DAVE: dicks   
JOHN: (any idea what i just walked into?)    
SOLLUX: (i'll let you know 0nce this stops being hilari0us.) 


	25. Chapter 25

**== >**

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT].

GA: Do You Happen To Know The Whereabouts of Karkat And His Matesprit   
GA: I Have Looked In All Of The Usual Venues To No Avail   
TT: Venues?    
GA: As In   
GA: The Nutrition Block Johns Respiteblock And The Communal Block   
TT: I hardly think those constitute as venues.    
GA: Regardless Of Whatever Criteria Of Yours They Fail To Meet To Be Regarded As Such    
GA: Those Two Are No Where To Be Found   
GA: I Even Visited Solluxs And Terezis Blocks To Find That Their Respective Owners Are Also Missing In Action   
GA: I Ran Into The Mayor But He Was Sworn To Silence   
TT: That doesn’t seem like a very difficult thing for him to do.    
GA: On The Contrary   
GA: I Believe I Almost Got Something Out Of Him After Further Interrogation   
GA: But He Easily Foiled Me By Tossing His Handheld Communication Device Somewhere Inaccessible To Either Of Us   
TT: One mustn’t underestimate the wiliness of Can Town’s exalted Mayor.    
GA: I Assure You It Will Not Happen Again   
GA: But Really   
GA: Was There Some Planned Event That I Was Not Invited To   
TT: If there was, I was conveniently omitted from the guest list as well.    
GA: How Rude   
TT: Very.    
GA: What I Find Most Curious Is That I Cannot Reach John Or Karkat   
TT: It’s in the realm of possibility that our lovely couple has gone off on an excursion of sorts while we were going through that last dream bubble.    
TT: The scenery was rather pleasant, in my opinion, and they probably do not wish to be disturbed.    
GA: Maybe But That Dream Bubble Was Short Lived    
GA: I Doubt They Could Accomplish Much During Such A Small Time Frame   
TT: It is rather annoying when we skirt the edges of nice dream bubbles.    
TT: The experience serves as no more than a tease to our collective yearnings to see something besides dreary laboratory walls during our waking periods.    
TT: But while we await the reappearance of our missing meteor mates, I would like to make a proposition.    
TT: Why don’t we go on a little excursion of our own?    
GA: As You Said The Most Hospitable Areas Of The Lab Could Hardly Be Considered Venues   
GA: So Forgive Me For Wondering Where You Suggest We Go   
TT: For the sake of brevity, I ask you this.    
TT: Does it matter?    
GA: …   
GA: A Compelling Argument   
GA: Meet Me In The Communal Block In Five

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT].

 

**== > Be one member of the lovely couple**

It was easily apparent that your plan for a romantic kinda-date fell flat on its face. Whoever’s memory it was, or whatever combination of memories the dream bubble encompassed, it was really nice. So much so, that when you traveled outside the lab, the sky was a beautiful sight to behold, so you had the bright idea to bring Karkat out and maybe relax in each other’s company whilst staring at the dream sky, hoping it would lift his mood a bit.

He agreed reluctantly, which was pretty much how you expected him to agree (if he did at all). You strolled outside and then flew him up to the top of one of the taller towers. It was nice… while it lasted. Unfortunately, it was only about fifteen minutes before the meteor exited the bubble, giving you and your boyfriend only the vast empty blackness of the furthest ring and the faint outlines of horrorterrors to look at.

Stupid dream bubbles.

You asked Karkat if he wanted to stay and make fun of the weird shaped creatures floating above you but he started feeling unsettled, so you called this a bust and decided to head back. You couldn’t blame him; horroterrors were creepy motherfuckers. 

After approaching the edge of the roof, you bent slightly at the knees so he could wrap his arms around your neck and so you could scoop him up into yours, bridal style.

“Ready?” you asked.

“Yeah, just go already,” he said, his arms getting a good hold around you. With that, you hopped off and started your descent downwards, falling leisurely with no real hurry to get to the ground. As the level where the transportalizer resided grew closer, you looked at Karkat. He leaned his head into the crook of your neck, his gaze pinned downward.

“You okay? You seem a little melancholy.”

“I’m okay,” he replied. Not an unexpected answer, but an unhelpful one nonetheless. You were really hoping a relaxing kinda-date would help him feel better, but bluh… the dream bubble just felt like ruining things today.

It really sucked that you couldn’t find a way to cheer him up! You weren’t even one hundred percent sure what had him so down (besides the obvious of course).

You set him to his feet and he started towards the transportalizer after taking a moment to get his balance. Right when you yourself stepped onto the platform and were whisked off to another part of the lab, you got a line of purple that you haven’t seen in quite some time blinking in the lenses of your glasses. It also reminded you that you’ve been ignoring your glasses for a while, and you were feeling a little guilty when you noticed some lines of jade green in another window. You’ll have to get back to her in a bit.

terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB].

TC: my most righteous of windy bros  
TC: WHAT’S HAPPENING ALL UP IN THE LABORATORY TOP SIDE?   
EB: oh hey!   
EB: i haven’t spoken to you in a while!   
TC: is my best friend getting his snooze on again   
TC: CUZ HE AIN’T ANSWERING.  
EB: nah, he just forgot his phone back in my room.   
EB: along with his computer…  
EB: he pretty much left everything in his pile by my bed.   
EB: he doesn’t seem to keep anything in his sylladex besides the occasional snack as far as i can tell, which is pretty weird.   
TC: so are things all chill with him?   
EB: things are okay i guess but karkat’s been feeling down.   
TC: WELL MOTHERFUCK  
TC: did he go all sadness mode because i missed the last meet up?   
EB: your last meet up?   
EB: oh yeah!   
EB: actually, he’s mad at himself right now because he slept through that meeting!   
TC: SO I GUESS WE BOTH GOT OUR FAIL MOIRAIL ON THEN.   
TC: do me a motherfucking solid and don’t tell him i gone and forgot.   
EB: hehe sure thing, but i have to wonder why you missed the appointment.   
TC: THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT.   
EB: but i think it is!   
EB: karkat’s been really upset lately and i think he might need to have a jam with you or get his face slapped affectionately.   
EB: or whatever it is moirails do that’s supposedly helpful.   
EB: it’s pretty important that he gets things sorted out right now, so don’t you think you need prioritize that over… whatever it is that you do?   
TC: okay motherfucker look  
TC: WE ALL GOT SHIT THAT NEEDS GETTING DONE  
TC: and sometimes shit is all needing to get done at the same time as other shit  
TC: SO A MOTHERFUCKER HAS TO PRIORITIZE THINGS HE MAY NOT WANT TO BE PRIORITISING.   
EB: sooooo… you double booked or something?   
TC: i'm not even going to dignify that  
TC: WITH A MOTHERFUCKIN RESPONSE.   
EB: …  
EB: you totally double booked.   
TC: yes. :o(  
EB: but really, what do you even do that’s so important??   
TC: YOU DON’T NEED TO BE GETTING YOUR BREEZY PAN ALL INVOLVED AT SUCH THINGS.   
TC: shit’s nothing you can up and comprehend.   
EB: mmmmmhmmmmmmmm  
EB: if you say so!   
TC: HONK  
TC: since you and my best are friend are traipsing all at the eastern laboratory side  
TC: DROP IN ON MY TEMPORARY BLOCK ON THE SECOND FLOOR.   
TC: you and karkat can probably chill out or something there. 

How did he know you were traveling through this part of the lab? How suspicious.

EB: will you be there?    
TC: NO   
TC: i’m off getting a handle on some of my   
TC: MIRTHFUL RESPONSIBILITIES   
TC: but all my rude elixirs and shit are there so you can partake if you’re feeling it.    
EB: so what do we do in there?    
TC: I DON’T MOTHERFUCKIN KNOW, MOTHERFUCKER.    
TC: just do matesprit stuff and kick the wicked shit.    
EB: you are a strange insane clown troll person, gamzee.    
TC: HONK HONK.    
EB: and before you go, mind explaining what happened to that kissing potion that you said you were going to give me?    
EB: i never got it.    
TC: i could have up and sworn i gave it to karkat to hand off to you a long ass time ago.    
EB: really? he hasn’t said anything about it.    
TC: YOU SURE?    
TC: it’s a bronze color in a sweet little potion bottle.    
EB: nope! haven't seen anything like that.    
TC: MAYBE HE LOST IT.    
EB: maybe…

After a mutual moment of thought, Gamzee proceeded to direct you to where his room was before signing off, but not before inquiring if, by some chance, you knew a good method to catch a gigantic egg hurling towards you at meteoric speed. You responded with a confused “what” and he promptly said “never fuckin mind.” You wrote it off as him being Gamzee. 

You didn’t tell Karkat where you were headed, but he seemed to be drawn towards the same destination because he didn’t question the detour. You weren’t quite sure if he was expecting to find Gamzee, but it looked like he was enjoying the walk more than he would enjoy just sitting in your room doing nothing.

“Yep, he was definitely in here,” Karkat sighed as you approached a room. He sniffed deeply, as if to confirm what he just said. “He’s probably off crawling through the vents right now.”

He pressed a button and the door started to slide open. You didn’t really know what to expect. Despite the occasional conversation you held with your matesprit’s moirail over pesterchum, you didn’t know much about Gamzee besides what Karkat told you. It was little tidbits like his clown religion and the fact that he was just really crazy, like going-around-using-his-friends’-dead-bodies-for-things-of-a-dubious-nature kind of crazy. Hell, you’ve never actually _seen_ the guy in the two years and change you’ve been on the meteor. He seemed friendly enough in your chats, hardly like anyone who would go around killing people, but you knew better than to think that the person behind the purple text was exactly like the picture painted through his alternating typing quirk.

Karkat didn’t seem worried at all when he walked in, but you kept your guard up. It seemed like a good idea to do so.

Firstly, it was dark. That’s not a big surprise, since this part of the lab wasn’t well traveled. It wasn’t sufficiently lit to accommodate life forms who needed more light than the average troll to see. After a second of fumbling for a light switch, you looked around to see just how the elusive Gamzee decorated his room.

There wasn’t too much to be said about it. On the far side of the room on a table, there were a bunch of bottles, consisting of small potion-like bottles and larger two liter bottles, like he had his own little apothecary going on. You did note some writing and faces drawn on the walls in different colors. They just added to the slightly eerie feeling that permeated the space.

The thing that dominated the space was a large pile of purple fabric in the center of the room adjacent to an equally large pile of horns. The fabric looked reminiscent of the kind Kanaya kept in her room, and part of the pile look liked it consisted of half-completed outfits. Did Gamzee sew? Maybe he was a troll of many talents. All you could really conclude was that you now knew where that fabric Kanaya was stressing over went. 

Karkat looked over the piles with a disapproving eye before he started rearranging the items. It was a little strange, because Karkat never really expressed a great interest in piles that weren’t his. Even then, his pile was pretty unattended to until recently. While he was busying himself with that, you moved down to where the bottles were.

The two-liters were bottles of Faygo. Was this some sort of soda? You don’t think you’ve ever heard of a brand called Faygo. It was probably some troll brand. You slid those aside so you could see the smaller bottles and, oh look! They were definitely potion bottles. There were lots of different colors, ranging from blue to fuschia and even a yellow that reminded you vaguely of the symbol Sollux wore on his shirt.

Your eye caught a glimmer of brown, and your mind went “ah ha!” This must be the potion Gamzee intended to give you. You picked it up and swished the bronzy liquid around in it. He said it was supposed to make you a better kisser. You glanced back at Karkat, who was still occupied with messing with Gamze’s piles whilst grumbling under his breath, and decided you should maybe give it a test.

You popped the cork and brought the bottle up to your nose to give it a sniff. Instantly, you were having second thoughts about quaffing it because it smelled a little metallic… with a hint of cinnamon? 

“What the hell are you thinking of doing?” 

“Huh?” you said dumbly, putting the cork back in the bottle as you turned to see Karkat moving over to where you were standing. “I was just checking out his little potion corner.” You tried to sound as innocent as possible.

He snatched it out of your hand and grimaced at the liquid held in the glass receptacle before placing it back amongst the others.

“Don’t touch those,” he commanded curtly. “Those things are not meant to be consumed unless you happen to be a load gaper or the drain of an ablution trap. Or maybe Kanaya.”

“What’s it made of?” you inquired, tilting your head curiously as you looked over the mysterious batch of potions.

“I really wouldn’t worry about it.”

“Do they work, though?”

“Hell, if I know! Just leave them alone. You’d probably die.”

You chuckled. “Not much of a problem if you ask me.”

“Ugh, you know what? Drink all of the potions you want! See if I care if your insides erode as unknown fluids collected by a demented clown are flushed through your system! Just ignore the fact that I’m trying to prevent one of my quadrants from killing the other through the use of multicolored poisons!”

“Sheesh, calm down! I won’t drink them, but I can’t help but be a little curious.” You picked up one of a different color, this time a blue, and uncorked it to give it a test smell. In the corner of your eye, Karkat grimaced.

“Would you stop opening the stupid things? The smell is making me fucking nauseous!”

“Really?” you asked, sniffing a little more deeply before resealing it and putting it back. It smelled kinda gross like the other (sans the cinnamon), but it didn’t bother you all that much. It was probably because your sense of smell was nowhere near as attuned as his, or it maybe had something to do with him being pregnant. Or maybe it was both, since his senses got better after he got pregnant. This was starting to get confusing.

“He may be my moirail, but I’d be damned if I trusted anything he handed to me in a bottle,” Karkat said. He moved back towards the pile, but doubled back to grab a Dr. Faygo. “Except this, because I’m craving the fuck out of something infused with toxic amounts of sugar.”

After satisfying his craving and captchaloguing the bottle of soda, Karkat fussed with Gamzee’s piles a little while longer. He pushed some items to one side, made the piles taller, and rearranged all the weird little horns. He crossed his arms and examined his work, before nodding in satisfaction. To be perfectly honest, you could not tell the difference between how it looked now and how it looked when you walked into the room. This was still one of those troll things you’ve yet to figure out.

You moved over to the supposedly tidied pile, turning on your heel so you could flop backwards right on top of it. You sank into the soft purple fabric and looked at Karkat quick enough to see him glaring daggers at you for a split second. He then shrugged and lowered himself carefully on the pile next to you. You both jumped at an abrupt “honk.” Karkat pulled a stray horn from under him and tossed it aside before settling himself into his spot, muttering curses under his breath.

Once he was settled, he laced his handles together on top of his chest, just before the curve of his belly began. He sighed, eyes focused on the ceiling. When you looked up, you saw several smiley faces with round noses, painted in various colors reminiscent of the potions you were just looking at, like the ceiling was his canvas. 

Wow, weird.

“So, why did Gamzee tell us to come here?” Karkat asked.

“I really have no clue,” you answered.

“Not surprising. I ceased trying to see why he does the things he does perigees ago.” He paused for a moment. “Was he, uh, upset?”

“About what?”

“Nothing.”

It didn’t hit you until after the fact that he was referring to his missed meeting. Karkat’s really too hard on himself, especially after all the times Gamzee missed their meetings.

“Don’t worry, buddy. Gamzee was just seeing if you were alright is all!”

“Oh, okay.”

He went silent again, eyes looking up at the ceiling, impassively focusing on Gamzee’s scribblings. It worried you when he got all quiet like this. When he’s angry and boisterous, you at least had something to work with so you could try to help. Even if you failed to find the correct solution (or totally missed the point, which was the case a lot of the time), you always had a feeling the effort did some good.

You shifted to your side so you could look at him, and it looked like he was deep in thought. You extended an arm and poked him in the cheek with your finger while asking softly, “heeeeey. Whatchya thinking about?”

“Just… stuff,” he said after you got his attention.

“Anything I can help with?”

“Not really.”

“You sure?”

“Yeeeess I’m sure, John.”

You pouted. “I’m just worried about you, y’know?”

“Then don’t be.”

“Heh, you know I will always worry about you.”

“Yeah… I do,” he said with a resigned sigh.

“It’s physically impossible for me to not worry about you. If I try not to, I will implode from the sheer amount of effort required to even attempt that, and the miniature black hole created by such an implosion would kill everyone on the meteor.”

“Everyone, huh?”

“Yes, and horribly, I would think,” you said with a grin. “It will be slow and painful.”

“Nah, I don’t think so. If you imploded, the aftereffects would be no more deadly than a lusus with chronic flatulence after gorging itself on grotesquely rotten flank meats. There will be rampant suffering, but of the non-deadly type.”

“It will be a _deadly_ flatulence and _everyone_ will die. You can’t tell me otherwise.”

He actually chuckled at that, the corner of his mouth upturning a bit, and it made your heart flutter in the best of ways. “Damn, you’re such an idiot.”

He definitely sounded like he was in better spirits, so you guess that’s something! But the question that remained was what the hell you were going to do here besides drink soda and chill out on Gamzee’s pile of stuff. You guessed you and Karkat should probably start on your way back-

“Hey, shot in the dark,” Karkat said, interrupting your thoughts. “Do you want to make out or something?”

“Pfft, I always wanna make out,” you answered, totally serious, “but wouldn’t that be kinda inappropriate or something, doing that in your moirail’s room?” Moirallegiance was weird, and you had no idea what would one should or should not do in a moirail’s space.

He shrugged before uttering a brief “meh,” and that was good enough for you. Gamzee did say you could do matesprit stuff, after all. 

 

**== > Be Terezi**

With a quick kick, you dislodged the old grate, granting yourself access to the dark unused room. Your nose told you there was nothing of interest here, which was inconsequential; you just needed an empty space for temporary use.

You stretched after removing yourself from the vent, relishing the wave of relief that came with the motion. Your recent growth spurt made the vents a little more cramped, or maybe the influx of human food from Jade’s cross-dimensional package has fostered some additional healthy growth. Humans have a variety of wonderfully colorful foods, and anything John made that had red sauce was instantly one of your favorite dishes, you had to admit.

You pulled out your portable device as you took a seat, leaning against the wall. First things first, you had to see what Dave was up to since he decided to _ditch_ you just a few minutes ago before you hit the ventilation system. Seriously, you can’t depend on that guy for anything! You required all participants to be present and do their part if your plan to was to succeed.

gallowsCalibrater [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG].

GC: SO WH3R3 D1D YOU GO?    
GC: 1 TURN DOWN 4 COUPL3 H4LLW4YS 4ND SUDD3NLY R34L1Z3 1M ON3 COOLK1D SHORT OF 4 SCOUT1NG P4RTY   
GC: TH4T 1S V3RY UNPROF3SS1ON4L D4V3   
TG: sorry bout that it was an emergency   
TG: the mayor got hungry    
GC: GL4D TO S33 YOU H4V3 YOUR PR1OR1T13S 1N ORD3R   
TG: he somehow lost his portable sometime between contacting me and my speedy arrival too   
TG: so i alchemized him a new one and im now making one of my bros infamous grilled cheeses   
TG: the best thing he ever passed down to me   
GC: WH4TS 4 GR1LL3D CH33S3?    
TG: two pieces of bread with a slice of cheese in the middle   
TG: grilled to fucking perfection on a skillet coated in butter   
GC: SO 1TS 4 JUST 4 CH33S3 S4NDW1CH?    
TG: no of course not   
GC: D4V3   
GC: TH4TS 4 CH33S3 S4NDW1CH   
TG: okay i concede that it doesnt look good on paper and i guess some people call it that   
TG: but trust me theyre great   
TG: you can also put lots of frivolous extra stuff in the middle   
TG: like this jalapeno pepper that I plan to smash into johns sandwich   
TG: best idea ever   
GC: SOUNDS D3L1C1OUS!    
TG: except its not a normal pepper   
TG: it is none other than the hellapeno pepper   
TG: the result of countless hours of tireless research and general fucking around with the alchemiter   
TG: oh god i cant wait til he takes a bite out of this baby   
TG: he will be like   
TG: awww yeah a grilled cheese from my best bro   
TG: and then suddenly fire from betwixt his lips   
TG: fire fucking everywhere   
GC: H3H3H3H3H3   
GC: OK4Y L3TS FORG3T 4BOUT FL1RT1NG W1TH JOHN FOR 4 M1NUT3   
GC: 4S 4DOR4BL3 4S 1T 1S   
GC: JUST M4K3 SUR3 YOUR3 R34DY   
GC: TH3 T1M3 TO STR1K3 4PPRO4CH3S!    
TG: did you even figure out where they went   
TG: last i checked john had totally trumped your sniffer with his windy powers   
GC: 1 H4V3!    
GC: TH3Y W3R3 G3TT1NG FR1SKY SO 1 W4S 4BL3 TO G3T 4 LOCK ON TH3M   
TG: whoa wait no   
TG: dont tell me you added a some ranks into your creep skill because it sure sounds like you were making some voyeur checks   
TG: do i gotta put you on a leash   
GC: >:\   
GC: C4LM DOWN   
GC: 1 W4S 1N TH3 V3NTS WH3R3 TH3 SM3LL OF R4G1NG P1TY HORMON3S W3R3 B31NG C1RCUL4T3D   
GC: 1 JUST FOLLOW3D TH3 TR41L L1K3 4NY N4S4LLY G1FT3D 1ND1V1DU4L WOULD   
GC: TH3 ROOM H4S B33N NOT3D BUT 1 D1D NOT SN34K 4NY SORT OF P33K ON TH3M    
GC: 4T L34ST NOT Y3T >;]   
TG: you sure didnt waste any time cranking out the vent fu after i left   
GC: DUUUUURRR   
GC: 1TS 4 LOT F4ST3R TH4N N4V1G4T1NG TH3 L4BRYNTH1NE H4LLS 4ND R3T4RD3D TR4NSPORT4L1ZERS!    
GC: 3V3N 4PPL3B3RRY US3S TH3 V3NTS OCC4S1ON4LLY   
TG: are you serious   
GC: COMPL3T3LY   
GC: 1 GOTT4 GO R3M1ND H1M TH4T H3 ST1LL OW3S M3   
TG: shit   
GC: WH4T?    
TG: i burned the mayors grilled cheese   
GC: 1 HON3STLY DONT TH1NK H3D C4R3 MUCH   
TG: just as well since bro always burned it    
TG: which is why it is so infamous   
GC: 1 W4S WOND3R1NG WHY YOU S41D TH4T 1NST34D OF F4MOUS BUT 1 R34LLY D1D NOT W4NT TO G3T 1NTO 1T   
TG: his grilled cheeses were always burnt   
TG: i always thought it was ironic because seriously   
TG: who the hell burns grilled cheese   
TG: every   
TG: fucking   
TG: time   
GC: 1 WOULD L1K3 TO PUT 3XTR4 3MPH4S1S ON TH3 R34LLY D1D NOT W4NT TO G3T 1NTO 1T P4RT OF MY L4ST L1N3   
TG: i mean i can understand a little burnt bread every once in a while   
TG: but that guy i swear   
GC: HOLD ON TO TH4T 1MP3ND1NG W4LL OF T3XT FOR 4 M1NUT3   
GC: 1 GOTT4 TROLL SOLLUX

**== >**

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling twinArmaggedons [TA].

GC: SOOOOOOOOOOLLUX   
GC: 1 H4V3 COM3 TO COLL3CT!    
TA: oh g0d dammit, i was really hoping y0u would f0rget.    
GC: >:]   
GC: HOW C4N 1 EXP3CT TO K33P MY 4RS3N4L OF TR1CKS FULLY STOCK3D 1F 1 FORGOT 4BOUT 4LL OF TH3 F4VORS P3OPL3 OW3D M3?    
GC: 4NYW4Y   
GC: CONS1D3R YOURS3LF PUT ON ST4NDBY   
GC: 4ND B3 R34DY TO MOV3 YOUR H4LF D3C34S3D 4SS TO TH3 LOC4T1ON 1 SH4LL SOON D1SCLOS3   
TA: can’t i get the location now, s0 i don’t have t0 wait around kn0wing you’re g0ing to ruin my c0ncentration if i happen to start s0mething?    
GC: YOU 4CT L1K3 YOU H4V3 4NYTH1NG 1MPORT4NT TH4T N33DS DO1NG!    
GC: 1M NOT D1SCLOS1NG TH3 M33T1NG PL4C3 Y3T B3C4US3 TH3 T4RG3TS 4R3 BUSY B31NG 1NT1M4T3   
TA: 0kay thanks for the daily tmi, but sh0uld they even be doing that?    
TA: w0n’t that make kk make more eggs?    
GC: 1M PRETTY SUR3 1T DO3SNT WORK TH4T W4Y   
TA: h0w the fuck does any0ne even know anym0re?    
TA: it was only a little while ag0 when i learned we can reproduce by gr0wing grubs in our guts, s0 who’s t0 say anything is impossible n0w?    
GC: TH4TS NOT R34LLY 1MPORT4NT RIGHT NOW!    
GC: W3 4R3 STR1K1NG WH3N TH3Y 4R3 DON3 4ND 1 DONT W4NT 4NYBODY FUCK1NG TH1NGS UP!    
GC: TH31R GU4RDS W1LL B3 DOWN AM1DST TH3 H4Z3 OF POST P41L1NG BL1SS   
GC: OR D1SAPPO1NTM3NT M4YB3   
GC: SO 1T W1LL B3 TH3 P3RF3CT OPPORTUN1TY!    
TA: i don’t get why y0u aren’t freaking out.    
GC: >:?   
GC: FR34K1NG OUT 4BOUT WH4T?    
TA: just everything!    
TA: d0esn’t it creep you 0ut that kk’s got THINGS swimming ar0und in him?    
GC: TH4TS WH4T M4K3S 1T 1NT3R3ST1NG YOU DUMMY!    
GC: 4ND 1TS PR3TTY MUCH TH3 3NT1R3 PO1NT OF TH1S DR4WN OUT OP3R4T1ON TH4T 1 FULLY PL4N ON 3ND1NG W1TH1N TH3 N3XT COUPL3 HOURS   
GC: G1V3 OR T4K3   
GC: D3P3NDS ON THOS3 TWO R34LLY   
TA: well i'm FAR from fucking interested.    
TA: i'm th0roughly creeped 0ut.    
TA: a while back kk fell asleep while we were playing that one game with earth furry space pil0ts, which is really fucking annoying.    
GC: K4RK4T F4LL1NG 4SL33P OR TH3 34RTH FURRY SPACE P1LOT G4M3?    
TA: h0nestly, both, th0ugh the game itself slightly less then kk passing 0ut midgame.    
TA: i found 0ut that the things inside him actually MOVE.    
GC: >:O!!!!!    
GC: NOW 1 R34LLY N33D TO G3T TH1S PL4N 1N MOT1ON!!    
TA: h0w does this N0T freak you 0ut!?    
GC: PL34S3 SOLLUX, YOU 4R3 OV3R34CT1NG   
GC: 1 D1DNT G3T THROUGH TH4T HUG3 BOOK Y3T BUT 4S F4R 4S 1 KNOW   
GC: 3GG L4Y1NG 1SNT 1NH3R3NTLY D34DLY 4S LONG 4S H3S C4R3FUL 4ND T4K3S C4R3 OF H1MS3LF   
GC: 4ND 1M SUR3 K4RK4T W1LL B3 F1NE W1TH JOHN 4ND K4N4Y4 FUSS1NG OV3R H1M!    
GC: THOS3 TWO AR3 4LSO WHY 1 C4NT G3T 4NYWH3R3 N34R H1M >:\   
GC: PLUS 1 R34LLY DOUBT H3 W1LL L3T H1MS3LF B3 DON3 1N BY 4 F3W 3GGS H3H3H3   
TA: i guess so.    
GC: H3Y W41T 4 M1NUT3!!!    
GC: HOW D1D YOU F1ND OUT TH3Y C4N MOV3?    
TA: i just t0uched his stomach when he was sleeping, and to this m0ment i regret it deeply.    
TA: all i can think about is a bunch grubs wiggling ar0und inside of him, and i just… EUGH    
TA: n0w i can’t even sit in the same ro0m with him without my pan meandering 0ver to that dreadful c0rner of thought.    
TA: i d0n’t even know why i went and did that and put myself in this p0sition in the first place.    
TA: his protruding abd0men must possess s0me sort of gravitati0nal pull.    
GC: SOLLUX   
GC: TH4TS C4LL3D CUR1OSITY   
TA: i deny that alligation.    
GC: YOU M34N 4LL3GAT1ON   
TA: whatever!    
TA: y0u can take that legislative shit and shove it.    
GC: *PUP1L-L3SS 3Y3 ROLL*   
TA: d0n’t pupil-less eye roll me, i invented that 0ne.    
GC: YOU M4Y H4V3 B33N ROCK1NG TH3 D1STURB1NG L4CK OF PUP1LS B3FOR3 M3    
GC: BUT 1 P3RF3CT3D 1T!    
GC: *ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL*   
TA: no really, st0p that.    
GC: H3H3   
GC: JUST M4K3 SUR3 YOUR3 R34DY   
TA: yeah, sure.    
GC: 1 4M D34D S3R1OUS M1ST3R 4PPL3B3RRY!    
GC: YOU GOT TO COP YOUR F33L 4ND 1M W444444Y OV3R DU3 FOR M1N3!!!    
GC: DON’T TH1NK 1 WONT DR4G YOU OUT OF YOUR L1TTL3 CUB1CL3, 4RM NOODL3S 4ND 4LL, AND THROUGH TH3S3 V3NTS 1F 1 H4V3 TO!    
TA: some0ne sounds a little 0bsessed.    
GC: YOU KNOW 1T!    
GC: SO DONT ST4RT 4NYTH1NG YOU DONT W4NT 1NT3RRUPT3D   
TA: welp, guess that means my scheduled globe f0ndling is canceled until further notice.    
GC: Y3S   
GC: R3SCH3DUL1NG WOULD B3 4DV1S3D >:]

gallowaCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA].

You stowed your device away, ignoring the constant pinging and lines of red from the growing block of text in Dave’s window. Since it’s him, there were a handful of reasons for it. Your first bet is that he forgot to exit the chat client and eventually started mumbling lines of slam poetry to himself (probably about burnt cheese sandwiches this time).

You moved your cards around your sylladex, making sure everything you needed was in there. There were a handful of gadgets and simple tools just in case Karkles put up a fight. You were hoping he would, quite honestly, because it would be boring otherwise! Most of them would probably be unnecessary, serving only as backups in case your first choices proved ineffective, or if you decide that something else would be more useful in a given situation. Legislacerators have to be able to think on their feet, and have to be prepared for any given situation.

Yup, everything was present and accounted for, so you relaxed against the wall, grinning widely to yourself. You just hoped those other guys decide to be punctual.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING FOR: Underage (in case you somehow missed the archive warning), pregnant sex, and embarrassing mid-coitus follies.**
> 
> Okay, so remember the part of the summary where it says “teenagers totally having sex?” The first half of this update is basically that! So heed these warnings and if you would PREFER not to read it, basically skip everything after the first heading ( **== > Karkat: Be intimate**) and use your find feature to locate the next heading “ **== > Dave: Arrive at rendezvous point**” (without quotes, of course)to begin reading after the fact. This was a little self-indulgent on my part, but then again, 85% of this fic is pure self-indulgence anyway. :P

**== > Karkat: Be intimate**

Yes, this was where you preferred to be; pressed up against your matesprit getting some prime smooching in. You always get lost in these moments, reveling in the closeness and intimacy John provided, caressing you tenderly as you two kissed slowly and passionately. He just made you so damn comfortable… so much so that dozing off was a very real risk in your present state. 

That’s why you couldn’t help but feel a little paranoid in between kisses. Currently, your track record stood as thus: three make-out sessions stopped short due to suddenly falling asleep, two almost-pailings averted due to annoying, invasive assholes, and another two intimate moments interrupted because of flare ups making it too uncomfortable to continue. Those sounded about right, but you could be off because you sometimes fell asleep and completely forgot what you were doing beforehand. 

In any case, John never held your complete inability to stay conscious against you and showed no signs of frustration. If he did, he hid them extremely well under layer upon layer of concern and affection. You’d wake up, and the first thing he’d do is kiss you on the cheek and ask if you were hungry. It’s not like it was ever necessary to ask, but the thoughtfulness was just really, really nice. You appreciated it a lot more than you’d admit.

It had you thinking, though, and John could tell there was something on your mind. There were a lot of things on your mind, really, but right now you’d prefer to avoid contemplating on your own personal failures so you could enjoy the moment, however long it lasted. 

One of his hands moved from your waist down to your thigh, stroking it softly whilst his other crept below the hem of your shirt up your side, brushing the sensitive nerves and sending pleasurable shocks through your system.

You made this pitifully needy sound, making your matesprit smile before he leaned into your neck. He inhaled and hummed contently, basically rendering any attempts at subtlety moot. He kissed below your ear, his arms wrapping tightly around your waist to pull you even further up his lap. The motion was cut short, to both of your surprise.

“Your belly’s getting in the way,” he said, grinning widely. You rolled your eyes and just leaned forward. You’d rather him use his mouth to kiss you.

You noticed his hands spending an inordinate amount of time around your waist and stomach, as if he was putting extra effort into keeping you steady, but you didn’t feel the need to complain; it felt good regardless. A hand wandered lower, and you tensed.

“Not feeling it?” he asked, ceasing the motion.

“What, no, I’m definitely feeling it.”

“Then something else wrong?” He then asked softly. You took a breath, looking down at how the bulge of your stomach pressed against his. When you brought your eyes back up to meet his gaze, you made sure to look as serious as possible.

“If I fall asleep, I want you to punch me until I wake up,” you said suddenly.

His eyes widened in shock. “What?”

“I said punch me if I fall asleep. It’s a pretty simple request, and I fully expect to be missing teeth when I come to.” 

“I’m _not_ going to punch you, let alone do it hard enough to knock out teeth!”

“They’ll just grow back.”

“Seriously?”

“Maybe.” 

He stared at you, his mouth pressed in a flat line, but your expression didn’t waver. “Karkat, I can’t punch you.”

You moved a hand over his, and guided it up to your face. “It’s easy. Just do it like this, but with infinitely more force. It’s a simple concept and I’m pretty sure you can grasp it like a pro.” When it got near your cheek, he opened his palm and placed it gently against the side of your face.

“I’m. Not. Going. To punch you,” he said with finality, pulling you into a brief kiss, “so kick any idea like that out of your head, because it’s just dumb! And it simply isn’t done. Only douchebags hit pregnant women, err, people.”

“God, you humans are so fucking soft,” you scoffed. “Stopping just because someone’s gestating a bunch of wigglers.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure. We’re a bunch of softies,” he relented, “but that’s why I like doing _this_.”

It always surprised you how easily you fell into this state of comfort again once his lips made contact with yours, how easy the haze of pleasure and some other feeling you can’t quite describe when around John… safeness, maybe? Yeah, that’s a good way to describe it. He makes you feel safe in that you can always depend on him to wrap you in his arms whenever you needed him (or not needed him) to. It’s truer now than it was before this entire reproduction shit storm brewed. You’d bet five hundred boon bucks that you could tell him to fly into the deepest reaches of the meteor to slay a freakish, purple-blooded hoofbeast because you had sudden a craving for terrible, gut-churning chess monster flesh, and he’d say “be back soon!”

Okay, maybe he’d give you a funny look, but he’d probably still do it.

And somehow, he always focuses on the reasons that don’t make you a worthless pile of ectobiological slime byproduct. The feeling that it gives you in your pump biscuit is indescribable, and that’s saying something when concerning you.

It took no time at all for you to start feeling uncomfortably hot, the heat pooling in your lower abdomen with each passing second. One of his hands brushed against your inner thigh, and you shivered, hoping that it moved a little closer to home.

The hand slipped into your sweatpants, and you felt John’s lips turn to a slight grin as his palm pressed into your groin. The sudden pressure made your fingers dig into his back, probably leaving marks under his shirt.

“Ow,” he said.

“Case and point.”

“Heh, you’re just _rough_.” He punctuated that with a firmer press into your groin. You groaned at the pleasure it caused, pressing your hips downward against his hand. You almost lost yourself, slowly grinding into his hand as his fingers clumsily reacquainted themselves with your lower anatomy, but you got a bit of a start when he pressed a finger into your nook too quickly.

“Ngh, careful,” you grumbled.

“Whoops, sorry! Going in blind here,” he said, motioning to your stomach, which was pretty much blocking the view of his hand.

You sighed. “Not sure if I’m comfortable with your hands fumbling around with my seedflap.”

“What? Are you saying you trust my dick more than my,” he paused for effect, wiggling the digits of the hand not between your legs in front of you, “ _piano fingers_?”

It wasn’t that you didn’t trust his fingers (and you couldn’t quite remember what a piano was), it was just that you really wanted that same pleasure you experienced the first time. Truthfully, you didn’t remember much because of the overload of hormones, you’ve learned, but you still remembered that it was great and amazing and everyone else probably noticed something off with you for the next couple days. That, and John “blasting off,” because who could forget that? You saw no problem with sticking with what was tried and tested just to avoid the chance of an awkward mishap…

Or at least avoid any more mishaps than you already risked just by going this far in the first fucking place.

You decided to just let him do what he was doing for the time being, and he eventually located the more sensitive areas, servicing your globes inside your nook just under your bulge as it slowly crept out, attempting to wrap around his wrist.

“Why, hello there! Long time no see, friend.”

“Oh my fucking god, shut up,” you somehow managed to say. He simply chuckled, never ceasing his ministrations.

His stupidity was soon forgotten, because his focus shifted back from saying extraordinarily dumb things to fingering your nook whilst apply wonderful pressure to your bulge with his palm. With a brief gasp, you knew these pants were going to be ruined. John’s hand was doused in the warm, slickening fluids from your nook, and he responded with a surprised “oh.”

At that point, it was decided by both of you to shuck your lower apparel, him helping you up so you could step out of your pants and so he could wiggle out of his. It was afterwards when you were taking the previous position you noticed how John’s weird human bulge was raised and ready, and the sight of it made your loins throb. Luckily, his hand was quick to return where it was earlier.

You gave a content purr when he leaned in to kiss your neck, moving your hips in a futile attempt to get his fingers as deep inside you as possible. Damn, it felt good, his hot breath on your neck, two of his fingers knuckle deep inside of you, and—

Oh, _fuck_.

You shuddered as your whole being was assaulted by waves of euphoria that came out of fucking nowhere. You gasped for air, urging John to stop because holy shit, this didn’t feel right. 

“W-what the hell was that?” you inquired when your body managed to settle down. It wasn’t unpleasant, but the suddenness really freaked you out.

“Uhh, Karkat, that’s called an orgasm,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’m honestly surprised you finished so quickly!”

“ _That_ wasn’t an orgasm,” you argued. “I’m sure that you remember that orgasms are messy fucking business! The sheer amount of ruin inflicted upon your old sheets was the perfect example.”

“Riiiight,” he said with narrowed eyes, looking like he was giving it some serious thought. “I don’t quite remember what I did with those sheets.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Hey, don’t sweat it. You don’t produce genetic material until after you lay the eggs,” John explained, “so that should be normal!”

“What?”

“No genetic material until after you’re done being pregnant,” he said simply. “So says Mr. Funnytroll.”

It’s always one surprise after another when it comes to this pregnancy bullshit, and you found it increasingly unsettling that John seems to know more about your own biological workings than you do. 

John, unbothered (or just plain unaware) of your dissatisfaction with the whole situation, kept himself busy with other things, namely continuing the task of being overly affectionate.

Or just the right amount of affectionate. You felt yourself getting back into it because dear god, he’s going for your neck again. Whatever that shameful excuse for a release was earlier, it definitely did nothing to cure the horniness that John helped foster the past dozen or so minutes. It took very little coaxing from his hand to get your retreating bulge to regain interest.

That was making you think that earlier sensation wasn’t a true orgasm. It lacked any of the obvious signals that lead up to it, like the telltale swelling of your genetic bladder as material collected during the state of arousal, which John explained (nerdy dork), nor did it have any of the lingering sensitivity of post-orgasm.

You shuddered out a lengthy moan, his hand moving down the curve of your ass and pulling you even closer, close enough to feel the shaft of his stiffened bulge press against the swollen folds of your seedflap and prompting your own to curl downwards and wrap around his base. You felt his other hand brush in between your bodies, still slick from earlier, and using the left over lubricant to apply smooth, easy movements to both of your members.

You grew increasingly tired of all of this teasing. You wanted so badly to pull this boy inside of you, to fill you completely so you could just _lose_ yourself in this weird cluster of annoying and wonderful things that is your matesprit.

One of your arms wrapped around to grip a handful of hair on the back of his head and the other got a tight hold just around his chest under his arm. Then you pulled him backwards. He fell forward with a surprised “meep” that was barely heard since his lips were completely locked in the iron grip that was your mouth.

This was happening, and you’d be damned if something ruined this moment.

HONK.

You shrieked, nearly jumping out of your skin but successfully bumping your forehead against John’s nose. Hard. Hard enough to send his glasses flying off his face to somewhere else on the pile.

He yelped, covering his nose and falling backwards onto his heels, the motion punctuate by a few honks from the horns where he landed.

“Oh shit!” you yelled, trying to sit back up and reach his face. You failed spectacularly and fell back down onto the same horn that scared you shitless, the sound making you flinch again. “Fuck, John, I’m so sorry I thought the horn might’ve Gamzee and it was near my ear and-“

He waved away your apology. “No, no, it’s okay! But geez, ow…” He rubbed his reddening nose and sniffled. “Why do I get the impression that you’re going to inflict at least five or more counts of bodily harm on me before you’re done being pregnant?”

He was joking, but you still couldn’t help berating yourself for being a jumpy dimwit. Can you seriously have one, just one, intimate encounter that goes off without a hitch? Or maybe at least without unintentionally injuring John in some ridiculously blunder?

Why are you so _bad_ at this!?

You just fell on your back and stared wistfully at the ceiling, the painted smiles mocking you for that shameful display, while John got up and started looking for his glasses.

You wondered if you should just quit. Whatever asshole nookwhiff forces that be just did not seem to want you to get laid for a second fucking time. So why even bother? You might as well wait it out until after this pregnancy shit and just hope John still wants to pail you afterwards. 

“Ah, here we go!” John said cheerfully. He replaced his spectacles on his face and returned to his spot on the pile. “Now where were we?”

“John… I don’t think I want to continue.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Because we both know I’ll never make it to the end anyway!” you blurted. “One of several things will happen, and they include me spontaneously falling unconscious, or possibly me doing something even more stupid than usual and knocking you the fuck out.”

“Hmmm, that is a real risk,” he said, considering your words and pinching the bridge of his nose. Then he continued, with a slight hint of mischief in his tone, “but are you sure?”

As he spoke, he lowered himself so that your bodies touched, and you shuddered, still sensitive from everything previously. You wished you could keep him there forever so you could just feed off his warmth. 

“Believe me when I tell you I want to do this, but maybe it’s best,” your thoughts sort of fuzzed up when he pulled you closer, “ngh, maybe it’s best if we forget about it so I don’t end up pissing you off.”

The movement elicited a faint honk from an unseen horn, and John sighed audibly, whether it was in response to what you said or the horn, you couldn’t tell. “I’m not going to be mad at you for that. It’s not like you’re doing it on purpose.” As he spoke, his hand dug its way into the pile, locating the hidden horn and tossing it to the wayside. “I mean, it’s kinda annoying, yeah, but we can’t do anything about it anyway.” 

“Would you like it if I said you could do whatever to me if I _did_ fall asleep?”

“Wha- That’d be no fun!” He continued digging through the pile around and under you, pulling up another horn. This one he examined closely, honking it a couple times before tossing it with the others, away from your general vicinity. “I… just like making you feel good,” he said, throwing a soft smile your way, “and then when I see your face, all happy and stuff, it makes me feel good, too!” 

Hearing that made your cheeks warm, but then John ruined it by saying, “plus, your face did this open mouthed smile thing with your tongue poking out of the side when you got close to finishing. It was pretty hilarious, but sexy. It was hilarisexy!”

You had absolutely no recollection of making such a face, and just imagining what it looked like brought all sorts of displeasure. “That sounds like a horrible sight, but I can’t decide whether or not it’s more horrible than the terminology you decided to use. Hilarisexy? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

He stopped his rummaging and stuck his tongue out at you. “Shut up, it’s a great word! And your face, it was adorable,” he countered, cuddling back up beside you. He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you so your fronts were almost flush, twining his bare legs with yours. His head leaned in slowly, closing the distance between you as he said in a lighter voice, “And I’d really like to see it again.”

That was pretty much all the convincing you needed to give it one more god damned try. Because you’re a sucker. A big fucking sucker who pities this boy whose every action reeks of pity and damn it why aren’t you _doing_ it yet?

John maneuvered himself so that he was partially over you and a bit to the side, as to make sure there was little actual weight on you. His leg slid between yours, raising it so that his thigh pressed into your groin. His hand slid downwards from your back to your leg, moving it up to so it rested against his hip. 

“You ready?” he asked.

“Yeah.” You could feel his still-hard bulge against you and you really just wanted to hurry this shit along.

He grinned. “C’mon, you can be more enthusiastic than that. Are you ready, Kar-”

“John, my fondness for your stupid face fluctuates so frequently that there’s no way it could be healthy, and it largely depends on what comes out of your mouth. Right now I’m completely enamored with you. Don’t. Fucking. Ruin it.” You were already worried about ruining the moment yourself, so god forbid he does something to fuck everything up.

“Okay, okay, fine.” He leaned in, kissing you briefly and saying against your lips. “You’re a liar anyway. You’re _always_ enamored with me.”

Damn, your secret’s out. At the very least, you got out a “smug asshole” before he took your mouth and you were lost to sensation. 

A bit of hip shifting and leg spreading later, John was just about to push into you. He was careful and slow in his repositioning, agonizingly so. When your eyes flicked up to his, the look of focus on his face was almost amusing.

“So are we doing this or what?” you asked expectantly.

“Shush! I’m concentrating.”

“I can see that. But can you move it alo-“ He thrust his hips forward, pushing the head of his dick past your seedflap. “Guh. Oh god.”

“That’s what you get for being impatient. You weren’t even ready!”

You shivered and swallowed the lump in your throat. “N-no, this is good. Just keep going.”

With your hands on his shoulders, John pressed in further, every bit of movement making you bleary-eyed as he filled you. When he was in as far as he could go, you nearly cried out because it felt so good.

“Ah, you’re so waaarm,” John grunted, his body trembling. “I’m… just gonna start moving, okay?”

It took a moment for what he said to register, but you nodded. “Yeah, okay, go ahead.” You forgot he needed to move to get what he needed. With how his bulge pressed so wonderfully against all of your inner walls, you’d eventually finish without him moving hardly at all.

Before he did anything, he lowered himself to kiss you sweetly, and you whined into it when you felt him pull out partially and push back in.

His movements became easier once you were accustomed to having him in you, but he still kept a comfortably slow pace. You told him he could go faster if he’d like, but he shook his head, saying that he’d rather this last as long as possible. You didn’t object; whatever energy he wasn’t spending with his hips, he delegated to his roaming hands and to keeping your mouths busy, tongues mingling with each other so you could get that wonderfully strange human taste. To compensate, you simply started moving your hips upwards to meet his halfway. He seemed to like it, judging from the slew of sounds he was making as you kissed.

Suddenly, his hips shifted differently and you _squealed_ , a hand darting to cover your mouth once you were aware that sound came out of you. John stopped, blinking down at you.

“Did you like that?” You nodded sheepishly and he moved his hips again. His new method of gyrating sent lightning up your spine you were vaguely aware of your toes curling.

“There it is!” he said breathily.

“H-huh?”

“That face I told you about.” Just to spite him, you frowned and furrowed your brow, one hand lowering to pinch his ass cheek.

“Hey!”

“Talk about my stupid face later,” you demanded.

“But I like your stupid face.”

“Old news, John.”

“But relevant!” he countered, starting his hip movements again. You groaned, leaning your head backwards. Soon, he had your pan reeling again, and it wasn’t long until you felt all of the pent up lust from the past few months of failed attempts start to culminate in your lower half.

John’s earlier words about not needing a bucket were forgotten, and you found yourself suddenly needing him to stop to get the pail in place, but you couldn’t verbalize it. Your hands grasped at his hips feebly, but all of your strength just wasn’t there. You could only chant his name and repeat sounds of pleasure with each slickened thrust, and then you were gone.

Everything seemed to explode at once, your back arching, body trembling, and your nook clenching around John, trying to milk him dry. You couldn’t _breathe_ through all of the pleasurable convulsions, and all of your senses were just going haywire for those brief moments.

It wasn’t until you started coming down that you felt John’s hand travel to the small of your back, lifting your hips to just the right angle for him to thrust harder into you. You winced with each movement, your body overly sensitized from your release, bearing it because holy fuck, it seemed like he needed this.

“Fffuck, Karkat…” John went rigid after one final thrust, whimpering into your shoulder as you felt his bulge pulsate within you, you holding him tightly all the while.

“Shit,” he said, panting after his tremors ceased, “I told myself I was going to use a bucket this time. Sorry.” 

“Like it matters now. At least you didn’t fly away this time.”

“Oh shut up!” he said, smiling at you. “But hey, you made it.”

You smiled back, your face full of fondness for him and accomplishment for yourself because _hell yeah you made it._ You didn’t fall asleep this time! You’re fucking _victorious._

He pulled out of you and let himself fall next to you, and you both took a deep relaxing breath, basking in your satisfaction. This was great. Everything was great, and it was probably realistic to think it was only going to go downhill from here. 

That’s just how things would go.

 

**== > Dave: Arrive at rendezvous point**

You took one last bounding step, landing lightly at an unspectacular, T-shaped intersection of the lab after following Terezi’s directions. You had to nag more pedestrian instructions out of her, because she gave you the quickest way through the ventilation rather than directions using the hallways and stairs like normal, bipedal meat creatures.

While you waited here for the other two, you decided to make good use of your time by pulling out a grilled cheese and taking a generous bite. Several minutes passed uneventfully while you leaned against the wall and grazed on your handful of cheesy goodness, and you couldn’t help but wonder if this was the right place. If it wasn’t, you figured Terezi wouldn’t hesitate to tell you. She might just be taking her sweet fucking time to get here, which didn’t seem like something she’d do considering how invested she was with this scheme. Sollux was probably giving her a hard time. Dude was stubborn, and you couldn’t really force a guy with the ability to vaporize you or snap you in half with a mere blink to do anything he didn’t want to.

Then you heard something. 

Ducking behind the corner, you watched quietly to see who was coming. A purple blur whizzed past you and stopped in front of the door. The hallway wasn’t lit enough to see too clearly, but the silhouette allowed you to make out an unusually tall and lanky figure with the wildest hair you’ve ever seen.

It was a purple Sasquatch.

“Why the hell is that puppet-wielding asshole here?” you silently asked yourself, lowering your shades so you could peer over them. The elusive creature placed something on a nearby door before vanishing in another blur, just as he arrived. He came and went without noticing, or just not acknowledging, your presence. When you deemed enough time had passed, you approached the door to see what he put there. It was a purple note with a picture of his face, complete with a lazy, half-lidded smile.

“ _You’re motherfucking welcome,_ ” was written on it. What the fuck?

The door it was pinned on began to whir, and your reflexes kicked in. You bounded back to the corner you were hiding behind earlier with all due roof ninja speed, and watched intently as the door slid open.

John’s head popped out, sneakily looking up and down the hallway. As if anybody would be this deep in the lab. Well, you were here, but this was different. Let’s just be real; you were being a little stalker-ish right now.

John exited completely, followed by Karkat, whose attention was focused downward onto his shirt which showed all the signs of being way too small.

“You seriously have no other shirt besides this one?” he asked irately, pulling down on the hem.

“It’s the only one on me! So unless you want to head back up smelling more like sex than we already do, you’re going to have to deal. Next time, no shirts because everything just starts smelling like you,” John said with a chuckle.

“Not like you’d have a problem with that,” Karkat countered.

“Yeaaaaah, you smell nice,” John said almost dreamily. 

Yup, they totally just finished doing the do. With that in mind, you were able to notice how both of them looked a little rosy cheeked and disheveled, reminiscent of the last time they decided to pork.

They better get ready for whatever Terezi has cooked up to ruin their afterglow.

John closed the door and noticed the little note Gamzee left. He pulled it up to his face and grew nervous for a second, head darting back and forth frantically before he ultimately captchalogues the purple piece of paper. You were pretty hidden, so he didn’t see you. Karkat was still too busy fumbling with the shirt to notice the note or John’s unease.

“Dammit, I look ridiculous with this thing,” Karkat griped, giving up on the article that barely reached down past his navel (or whatever trolls called it). John kneeled down in front of him, placing a hand on either side of his boyfriend’s stomach.

“They’re getting so big!” he said looking up at the troll, “I could’ve sworn this shirt fit you a little less than a month ago.”

“These things need to stop growing because there’s only so much space down there, last I checked.”

John giggled and pressed a light kiss to his stomach. “Don’t listen to him, you keep growing, babies!” The look Karkat gave him could be best described as disturbed.

“Please don’t do that.”

“They need love too, y’know!”

“That’s just weird, and so is talking to them like they can hear you.”

“Talking to them is so not weird!” John objected. “And I talk to them all the time when you’re sleeping.”

Karkat looked slightly taken aback. “You can’t be serious.”

John grinned wryly. “Are you sure you just aren’t jealous?” He stood back up to give Karkat a tender kiss on the lips, which was returned with equal enthusiasm. When they broke, a smile crept across Karkat’s face, and his cheeks reddened even further. You had to admit, he had a sweet smile, but the whole sequence of events made you want to toss up that grilled cheese you ate.

And maybe throw a pie at John’s stupid romantic face. 

You commend his Karkat-romancing skills, because goddamn looking at the guy close his eyes and just _melt_ into that fucking smooch made you seriously wonder how good of a kisser that derp _really_ was, but you still think John deserves a confection up his nose… maybe one filled with hellapeño pepper juice for that extra sinus clearing action. He’ll be breathing clearly for a fucking month after that.

“Globes deep in plotting how to woo your crush, are we?” a voice whispered with obvious amusement. Twisting your head around, you saw both Terezi and Sollux behind you, the latter looking ten times more “I really don’t want to fucking be here” than you feel yourself.

“Where the hell did you guys come-“ Terezi’s gesture towards an open vent above you answered your question before you even finished asking it. “Of fucking course.”

She put a finger to her mouth, signaling you to lower your voice because you obviously forgot Karkat’s got some preggo spidey senses going on, but you figured he was too busy being lovey-dovey to notice anything outside a ten inch radius of where he was standing.

Your ring leader briefly peered around the corner to assess the situation, and you leaned over to do the same.

“You sure, you don’t want to just sleep here?” John asked, running a hand through Karkat’s hair. “You look ready for a nap, and we didn’t even get to cuddle all that long.” He sounded disappointed.

“No. No, I want to go back up.” The following yawn didn’t seem to help Karkat’s case.

“Want me to fly you up there?”

“I’d rather walk.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, then back again. “I think my legs need the circulation.”

“Yeah, I guess you’d want to enjoy walking now before you start looking silly doing it.”

Karkat turned to him, eyebrow raised. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m just saying that you’re probably going to end up waddling once you get bigger! Your gait is already changing up a bit. Soon it will resemble that of a penguin.”

“The fuck’s a penguin?”

“A fat flightless bird that walked hilariously and lived at the north pole when Earth was still a thing.”

“I’m really wondering what kind of response you’re expecting by comparing me to a fucking useless sounding bird.”

“Penguins aren’t useless!” John argued.

Karkat crossed his arms before asking, “Then what can they accomplish without being able to fly?”

“Uh.” His matesprit scratched his head for a second before shrugging. 

“Thought so. You just called your boyfriend a fat useless bird and you should be ashamed.”

“You didn’t even give me chance to think of anything!”

“Too late, you weren’t quick enough.”

“Bluh! Whatever!” He extended his arm out to Karkat. “Come on, my soon-to-be-penguin boyfriend. Let’s just go, because I fully expect double the cuddles once we get back up there.”

Karkat hooked his arm in John’s, and they both started down the hallway. When the two were far enough that Terezi was sure Karkat couldn’t hear you, she cleared her throat. “Okay, Dave, what have you learned in the time you’ve been here?”

“Nothing besides that those two are mushy as fuck and my lunch wanted to make a comeback at least once.”

“So nothing?”

“Nope. There was a purple Sasquatch here earlier though,” you added nonchalantly. She did the little eyebrow raising thing that showed she had no idea what something was in your last statement, but she didn’t press you for an explanation.

Terezi didn’t seem too disappointed by your lack of intel, and she quickly jumped into the explanation of your next few moves. The three of you were to catch up to them and silently tail them until a good opportunity to separate them arose. How you were going to do that, she didn’t say specifically, but Terezi said she had plenty of options. Her final decision would be dependent on other factors that she didn’t really share with you. Go figure.

After separating them, you and Terezi would abscond with Karkat while Sollux kept John occupied long enough for her to handle her business. This plan seemed pretty half-brained for something that was months in the making, but you didn’t feel the need to comment on that.

“Alright, guys, got it?” she asked in closing. You gave her a cool nod, and Sollux shrugged. “Good enough!”

With that, she flipped backwards and rebounded off the wall into the open vent above like some stupid air-conditioning ninja, and Sollux did his brain thing and floated after her. God dammit.

“Do we _really_ have to use the fucking vents?” you yelled at the opening.

“This is the best way to intercept them. Quit being a wiggler, Dave, and get your ass in gear!”

With a sigh, you did your own floaty thing and entered the stupid ventilation system. You just could not wait until this shit was over and done with.

 

**== > Terezi: Tail the Lovey-dovey couple**

A couple quick sniffs through the grate confirmed that your quarries stopped moving. They seem to be taking a break, sitting with their backs against the wall. Judging by how Karkat smelled, he wasn’t long for the waking realm. A little disappointing since he can’t put up much of a fight when he’s asleep, but you’re not going to pass up an easier capture in favor of one that you’d find more enjoyable, even if it did mean all of the tools and gadgets in your sylladex will go unused. The whiners that were your accomplices would probably be even more difficult if you decided to reschedule.

Oh well. You turned around (with difficulty, the narrow vents make one-eighty degree turns a bit of a feat that required a some rolling around and a notable amount of limb-tucking) and crawled back to where the boys were waiting.

“Come on dude, give me an answer,” you heard Dave say, followed shortly by Sollux’s groan echoing through the vent. “Any guess would do, but preferably troll positions.”

“Strider, I swear to god…”

“You can’t tell me you haven’t thought about it, mister ‘I still don’t know what a human bulge looks like.’”

“Nope, not going down that dark alley,” Sollux said with obstinacy. “The first time was a mistake and I’m not making it again. It was a fleeting interest.” 

“What are you two yapping about?” you asked as you turned that final corner.

“Very important stuff,” Dave answered. “We are discussing how John and Karkles _do the do_. I voted missionary, but one eye over here won’t add to the discussion and divulge the most vanilla of troll positions.”

“Dave can go figure that stuff out himself. It’s not like KK doesn’t have a million kinds of porn novels to get your globes off for the next dozen sweeps,” Sollux said.

“Do you see troll porn in these vents? Didn’t think so,” Dave countered, “the closest thing to any of that has been the view of your ass that I’ve been subjected to for the past half hour of army crawling like deranged heater mice navigating an overly intricate maze to find that sparse morsel of cheese stuck in the ventilation fan. How the hell did cheese get in the ventilation fan? Nobody fucking knows. It’s vent cheese, and the quest for it is harsh and unyielding, the only foreseeable reward being a choice view of Captor cheeks. Not my first choice in scenery.” 

Sollux rolled his eye. “As if my view was any better.”

“Hey! My ass is glorious!” you said, grinning at Sollux.

“Yeah, you do have a nice ass,” Dave added.

“Thank you!” 

The exchange made Sollux roll his eye again. “Okay enough of this, what are we doing now? My knees and elbows are starting to hurt.”

“I’m also feeling the encroaching claustrophobia, so I’m with sweet cheeks here,” Dave said, pointing his thumb at Sollux.

“So now my ass is ‘sweet?’”

You could make out the faintest smell of Dave raising his eyebrows, “Never said it wasn’t, bro.”

“Both of you shut the hell up for a second. Karkat is falling asleep, so it looks like this is going to be pretty easy,” you explained. “We just have to decide how to distract John, or incapacitate him.” You were about to go into a couple things you brought with you that could assist with the situation, but Dave interrupted you.

“Don’t worry, I got this.”

“Oh?” you said with all due surprise. Initiative! Not something you were expecting from him.

“Yeah, just let me by.” He started crawling, trying to squeeze past Sollux.

“Dave, wait, hold on!” he squawked when Dave’s wider shoulders pushed his over.

“Dude, just move over.”

“There’s not enough room, dumbass!”

You watched in awe as the two somehow turned into a swearing mangle of limbs and cape, ultimately getting themselves stuck. You would have been very disappointed in such a display, if it wasn’t so amusing.

“God dammit,” Dave cursed. “This is why I don’t like all of this vent shit!” He moved his elbow, but only succeeded in squashing the other’s face into the side of the vent.

Sollux growled angrily, sparks emitting from his eyes. “Don’t worry, I’ll fix this problem _right up_.”

The size of his sparks grew in size, as did the uneasiness in your gut. Oh sweet troll Jegus, this was not going to be pretty…

 

**== > Be John**

Boom!

“Whoa!” you exclaimed in response to the startling noise. Looking both ways down the hallway, you didn’t see or hear anything out of the ordinary, so you just leaned back against the wall. It was probably some old laboratory equipment falling over, but you couldn’t rule out the possibility some horrible monster got loose and was wreaking havoc. Whatever it was, Karkat didn’t notice the sound or the brief shaking of the lab.

You looked to your side at him, smiling at the sight. He was leaning against you, now fully asleep after giving you such a fuss about how he wasn’t going to doze off.

_I’m just resting my eyes,_ he said, _I just need a fucking minute! Can’t I just rest my aching feet without risking being subjected to a bunch of petty drivel?_

After another minute of nodding off while you rambled on about the wonders of penguins (instead of rubbing the fact he needed a nap in his face), he was out. Resting his eyes, indeed. Better now than earlier, you supposed. You thought he might’ve been flaring up again when he suggested taking a break, but it had quickly passed, if how placid he seemed was indicative of anything.

God, he was beautiful. You could stare at him while he slept all day, not caring how creepy that would be, admiring how peaceful he looked when he was actually getting some good rest. His afterglow was clearly much better than yours. He looked all satisfied and radiant, while you arguably looked like you spent the night rolling around under three quilts. However, that was dictated to you by Dave the next day after the first time, but you knew you couldn’t always take what he said at face value.

“Kaarrrkat,” you called in a light voice, nudging him gently. He didn’t respond except by latching onto your arm and nuzzling his cheek into his shoulder. Yeah, he was way past the point of no return. He probably would want you to wake him up, but you’ll just tell him you tried and it didn’t work. Not exactly lying, despite your obvious lack of effort.

It was about time you carried him back up, you know, just in case your previous thought about escaped monsters became more than just that. You were also in dire need of a shower, because you were still feeling really slick between the legs. Nook lube is hard to clean off without water, so your junk is still kind of coated. Seriously, there was like, no friction in your pants, and you had to put a worrying amount of effort into ignoring how everything was sliding around down there as you walked. Another point for retractable sex bits, you had to concede.

Before you scooped Karkat up to begin the journey back, it occurred to you amidst your mental lamenting about slippery genitalia that you had no idea where to go. He was leading you up to this point, and further up you could spot a couple of unfamiliar intersections. 

Well, damn. You needed to pester Kanaya to get directions. 

With a sigh, you moved to activate the client on your glasses when a blur of red appeared before you. “You look a little lost there, Egbert.”

You looked up to see Dave standing over you, hands shoved in his god-tier pockets and, for some strange reason, his hair and cape looking a little singed around the edges.

“Uh, hey,” you greeted, “what’s up?” You took a couple quick glances down the hallway because this chance meeting seemed suspicious. As your prank rival, he _could not_ be trusted. Why the hell was he down this way in the first place? As far as you knew, there was nothing down this way that would interest him. You were sure he was up to something, and Terezi was probably not too far away, hiding in a vent or some other hole in the wall, smiling that jagged smile.

He shrugged at your question. “Just handling some business.”

“Like?”

“I’d love to fill you in, but that would be kinda counterproductive so…” he said, trailing off. He pulled out his time turn tables, and with an abrupt scratch of the records, disappeared in a flash of red light. You blinked, wondering what that was all about. Figuring it was just Dave being cagey in one of several ways he could, you started to stand and-

Hold on, something’s not right.

You looked down, noticing that your feet were bound by rope. How the fuck did that happen? You attempted to reach down and untie them, but your arms were bound to your sides by rope as well! You suddenly realized that, along with your worthy adversary, Karkat was also nowhere to be seen. 

“Okay, what the hell!?” you shouted to no one.

“So it wore off,” you heard someone say. “I was hoping it would last a lot longer.”

“Wha-“ 

Across the hall from you sat Sollux (singed in a way not too dissimilar from how Dave was), his gaze aimed downward at the handheld video game in his hands. You struggled against your binding, trying to figure out what happened in the last few seconds, when it hit you.

It wasn’t just the last few seconds that happened! The red flash, his turn tables…

_That asshole!_

“STRIIIIIIIDEEEEEEERR!” you screamed angrily at the ceiling. Once you got free, you were going to _kick his ass_.


	27. Chapter 27

**== > Sollux: Serve as the watch barkbeast.**

You do so, and you’ve been regretting it for the past fifteen minutes. It will no doubtably get worse now that normalcy had returned to John’s temporal state. Why couldn’t Dave’s time thingy last longer? That douche and his half-assed time stop abilities… Aradia’s put his to shame, hands down.

“I cannot _believe_ this! He used his time powers on me! I’m so gonna-“

“Put a lid on it,” you told John from across the hall. “I’m trying to beat KK’s high score.”

He ignored you, still spouting out the numerous ways he was going to work Strider over. A few seconds of grunting and struggling prompted you to look up from your screen and, whoa, hold up. You flexed your psionics and squeezed at his arms, keeping them pinned to his side until he stopped fighting. He was just a moment or so away from breaking out of the ropes through sheer strength alone.

“Can’t let you do that, Egbert,” you said with a snicker. 

“Screw you!” he spat. He just went to scowling at his feet, allowing you to unpause your game and continue on your quest to beat Karkat’s score. Frankly, you were surprised he was able to get so many points. The last time you saw him play this game was before Sgrub started. He sucked pretty badly back then.

“Sollux?” John sounded like he had cooled down a bit.

“Yeah?” you answered, not looking up from your game.

“Why are you helping Terezi? I would think you’d be opposed to taking part in harassing Karkat since you and he are best friends and all.”

“Meh, poor choices and I ended up stuck,” you shrugged. “I think he likes the attention anyway.”

“Hm, don’t know about that one, but how would she get you to do anything? You already proved that you could overpower pretty much everyone on this meteor.” With a sigh, you paused your game yet again and looked up at him. 

“Okay, think of it this way. I have three choices in this situation; go along with her plan, ignore her, or vaporize her.”

“Uh, oooookay?”

“I obviously _won’t_ do option three, leaving options one and two. If I do option two, she’d hound me for the rest of my half dead existence, however long that would be.”

“Yeeeeeah, she is pretty persistent!”

See, he gets it. “So my only choice is to help her go along with whatever bullshit she cooked up so she could leave me the fuck alone. It’s a lose-lose situation.”

“I hear ya,” he said, nodding agreeably. You went back to your game, a few moments of silence passing before John asked, “any chance of you just letting me go?”

“Nope, and don’t try bribing me with cookies.”

“Aw,” he whined. “Do you even know what she’s planning to do?”

“I don’t, and I don’t care.” 

You were _pretty_ sure she wouldn’t do anything unnecessarily dangerous with Karkat. It will probably be gross, weird, or some ungodly combination of the two, it being Terezi and all, but nothing that would harm him or whatever those things sucking nutrients out of him are supposed to be. Trolls, you were told on several occasions. You’re not quite sure if you believe them just yet. 

“Terezi specifically told me to keep you here until she messaged me that she was done,” you continued, “I’d never hear the end of it if you interrupted whatever the hell she’s trying to do because I let you go. It’d defeat the purpose of option one.” 

“I guess you have a point,” he said with reluctance.

With that, he went quiet. Hopefully he would behave himself until you finished your game. You were at the area boss that will give you the last hoard of points that would jettison you right up to the top of the score board. 

A dodge here, and a laser there, then _bam!_ The boss was dead.

You chuckled lightly to yourself, thinking about how irate Karkat will be once he sees that proud “TA” sitting pretty as the top score. He’s going to spend _hours_ trying to beat it. As you loaded up the next level, you thought you should just keep going to raise the bar, making it that much more difficult for him to reclaim his throne.

“Whoa! You got a lot of points!” John said, looking over your shoulder at the game screen.

“Of course. Getting the top scores in these games is easy with only competition like you and Karkat around,” you said with clear derision.

“This deserves a congratulatory high five!” He put his hand out towards you where it was just barely in the periphery of your good eye. You ignored it. “Don’t leave me hanging bro!” he said, lightly shaking the appendage in an irritating attempt to get your attention. 

“Ugh fine, if it’ll get you to shut up.” You slapped your palm against his, almost relishing in the crisp clap it made because you were, indeed, proud of your recent accomplishment. You guess it never hurt to celebrate in—HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE.

Your head twisted toward the spot across the hall where John was supposed to be restrained only to see the pile of coiled rope, strangely unbroken. You then turned your head slowly to your side, still unable to comprehend just _how the actual fuck_ this asshole got out of his snares and was now making palm-to-palm contact with you.

He wiggled his fingers into the spaces between yours as if to reaffirm that yes, he was here, right next to you, pretty much holding your hand. With lidded eyes and the most infuriating shit-eating grin you ever did see, he asked, “did you know that you’re a shitty guard dog?”

What you felt at that moment was probably what it felt like to have your entire prankster’s gambit empty in one fell swoop. Karkat and Dave were right; it was an irksome and unpleasant sensation.

“How the hell!?” You snapped to your feet, the motion flinging the game device halfway down the hall behind you. 

He mocked you with a laugh. “If you were doing your job, you would’ve seen! Or maybe not, because I probably wouldn’t have made my amazing escape if you were actually _watching_. It only took like three minutes for you to let your guard—gak!”

John made a pained sound when you slammed him face first into the wall while he was midsentence, glowing energy crackling around his body and pinning him roughly against the side of the hall. You were just not in the mood for this, and the shithead’s attitude far from helped. If you had to keep this guy glued to the wall with your psionics, then so be it.

You turned to go get your game, thinking you probably died, but that’s assuming the system didn’t break when it bounced down the hall. When you bent down to pick it up, you were alarmed to find that the effort needed to hold John against the wall lessened rapidly. You looked back at your prisoner and- what the hell was happening to him? Was he evaporating!?

The vapors that John transformed into regrouped a short distance away from where you were holding him.

“Ow! That fucking hurt!” he said, rubbing his face. “Shit. Is my nose bleeding? I think it’s bleeding.”

It made sense now. He used his god-tier abilities to escape, which also explained the last time he got out of your hold when you were having your talk with Karkat.

Well, then. Since you couldn’t physically restrain him, it was time for plan “C.” 

He was busy tending to his nose, giving you ample time to focus in on him. “Between you and Karkat, my nose is going to be broken sooner or—“

PSHEW!

John yelled in surprise as he ducked down, just barely dodging the blast of flashing white energy you fired from your eye. He uncovered his head and looked at the opposite end of the hall where the spot your attack hit was slightly scorched.

“What the hell, Sollux!?”

“I missed,” you said flatly, charging energy into your eye again. He got lucky. You weren’t planning on missing again.

“Sollux… what are you doing?” he asked with his hands held in front of him, palms toward you in a passive gesture. You took a step forward, eyes and horns crackling with psionics, and he took a nervous step back. You fired again.

He jumped straight up, dodging the blast. “Dude, cut that out!” He dodged to the left behind a corner as the third shot made its way down the hall. “I-I really don’t think Karkat would appreciate you trying to vaporize his matesprit!” he yelled, peeking around the turn.

“Don’t worry, it’s set to _stun_!” The fourth one was easily dodged when he pulled his head back around the corner, but you weren’t expecting that one to hit. You fired at the wall and corner a couple more times just to keep him there, the lab shaking slightly with each shot. You didn’t actually have to hit him, you only needed to make sure he stayed put.

“Is this really fucking necessary!?” he yelled.

“Not really. You could just cooperate and sit still until Terezi’s finished.”

“That doesn’t strike me as the best course of action,” he said with cheerful defiance, though you could still sense that he was wary of you (as he should be). “You’re a little trigger happy today.”

You half-smiled. “Trigger happy? Nah, I’m just a little irate, but I can show you trigger happy if you’d like.” Another blast was sent at the corner, and the lab shook accordingly.

There was no response to your statement or the blast, and there was a suspicious silence after that. You didn’t think you could’ve hit him from this angle, so you approached the corner with the necessary caution to see if he was up to something.

Before you got too close, a gust of air blasted past you, nearly knocking you off your feet, and suddenly an arm had a hold around your head. The limb tightened and you were bent backwards until your feet were lifted off the ground.

“I’ve been waiting a long time to do this,” John said into your ear. You would’ve just let loose a wave of energy to get him off of you, but whatever charge you had going fizzled out when you felt his knuckles roughly digging into your scalp.

“Gah frkkk nggh the _fuck_!? Stop!” you spouted, barely able to piece the words together. You had no idea what kind of grapple this was but it was _grating and disorienting_.

“ _Super noogie_!” he exclaimed, still drilling his fist between your horns. 

You clawed at his arm in futility and kicked your legs every which way, stray beams firing out of your eyes in various directions because _what the fuck was he doing to your head??_

You finally gathered enough control when that spot on your cranium grew numb, and you managed to blast him off of you with a psionic pulse. He stumbled backward, perfectly vulnerable to your next attack. You turned, and fired. He didn’t notice you quick enough to dodge, so it was a surefire hit… at least to a normal target. 

John, not being a normal target, poofed out of existence right before it made contact, reforming just in time to get buffeted by the small explosion the blast made when it struck the nearby wall. He stared at the damage done and his jaw dropped. 

“ _That’s_ set to stun!?” he asked incredulously.

“I changed my mind. I think I want to roast you just a little bit,” you snarled, the sparks and crackles of energy surrounding your body helping to illustrate just how pissed off you were. After that little stunt, you were sure he could afford to burn a little… unless he recently did something warranting permanent death. 

In any case, _you were about to fucking find out._

A singular blast of continuous energy poured out of your eye, nearly filling the hallway. In response, John thrust his arm forward, the air surging forward and disrupting your blast, initiating the classic showdown scenario reminiscent of events preceding your half-death. There was a sudden onset of déjà vu that you weren’t particularly enjoying so you cut the theatrics and went full power, sending a pulse down your stream and pushing his attack back.

The entire lab shook violently when your attack reached the opposite end of the hall, and you stopped to survey the damage. The air was still thick with discharged energy, and the entire path in front of you was scorched back, with a gaping hole bored into the opposite wall. You were already feeling the fatigue from exerting yourself so much, a migraine starting to form on the same side as your dead eye, but your thoughts were starting to clear now that you were calming down. The first thing that really registered was that there was no sign of human. 

Now where the fuck did he go? Even with such a powerful attack, you would’ve thought there would’ve been some trace of him, even if he _had_ been vaporized. The possibility suddenly dawned on you.

If that were the case, you definitely overdid it. Karkat is going to have your ass and probably never speak to you again. Shit.

You were thinking about how long it was going to take John to reconstitute himself (assuming he didn’t deserve to die) when a sudden breeze blew from several directions and culminated in front of you.

“You almost had me there!” he said with a buck-toothed smile. You had no time to consider whether you should be relieved he was still in one piece, or annoyed that he had the nerve to act so god damn cheeky after nearly _dying_ , to prepare for the fist that went straight for your gut. The upward blow briefly lifted you off your feet before bringing you to your knees. You coughed, body already weak from overexertion on top of John’s felling blow, and you went down. He caught you with the arm he used to punch you, your body draping over the limb. The last thing that ran through your mind as everything started to crap out on you was that, regardless of whether or not John stopped what she was doing, Terezi owed you.

She owed you in fucking _spades_ , and you didn’t mean the romantic kind.

 

**== > Be Karkat**

Ugh, as usual, you realized who-knows-how-long after the fact that you couldn’t keep yourself awake when you were dead set on not drifting off. Oh well, you were still feeling much too good to be suitably upset about it. It was probably a better use of your energy to relish in your current mood while it lasted. You stretched and yawned, flinging an arm out to your side, hoping it would locate a pillow, or better yet, John, to pull closer to you while you slowly returned to full wakefulness. Oddly, it hit cold metal.

John could always be depended on to transport you to a more proper place for you to rest whenever you conked out, so this was kind of strange. As you became more alert, you started noticing more things out of place. The ground was hard and uncomfortable, and your stomach felt a little… wet?

Okay, now you were sure something was off.

When you were awake enough to see, all you saw was pitch blackness, and you were one hundred percent sure you were _inside_ the lab when you nodded off. In fact, you could clearly recall that you on the way back with John after doing… stuff.

Wonderful stuff.

“Alright, I have the final number,” you heard someone say gleefully. You could tell right off the bat that it was Terezi. 

There was a short silence before Dave said, “whoa, back up. How many?” The surprise in his voice didn’t get past you.

You propped yourself up on your elbows and you saw them a few feet away. It instantly occurred to you that Terezi finally got you. Realistically, it was only a matter of time since every passing day you grew more gravid and sluggish, and John wasn’t going to be around all the time. He wasn’t anywhere in sight, so he must’ve been tied up elsewhere. Figuratively, you thought.

Hopefully, Terezi would leave you the fuck alone now that she got to do what she wanted.

Terezi held up her hand, and Dave still had an air of incredulity. “Are you sure?” He asked.

“About eighty-four percent, with my margin of error being one at the most. I am satisfied with that, but I can check again if you’d like,” Terezi offered.

“Uh, yeah, no. I already have the image of the first time you slobbered all over of his gut burned into the deepest reaches of my frontal lobe or wherever the hell memories ago, so I think I’ll pass on that one. Thanks for that, by the way.”

“Anytime!”

“But oh man,” he said on the verge of laughter, shaking his head into his palm, “that’s fucking crazy. Can we say ‘ _fertile_?’”

“You could’ve at least had the decency to dry me off afterwards,” you griped loudly.

“Oh, you’re awake,” Terezi said, “enjoy your little catnap?”

You made a feeble attempt to wipe off some of the slobber on your abdomen and pulled your shirt down. “I would say yes if I knew I wasn’t violated and dragged up to who knows where in my sleep.”

“But you were so cooperative in your sleep!” she said, “you sleep like a submerged log, you know! It made it so easy to find out what I needed!”

“Tch, took you long enough.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked, hands on her hips.

“I’m only saying that I’d thought you’d catch me a lot earlier. Remind me, Terezi, how many perigees has it been since this whole debacle started?”

“Karkat, please, your attempts to rain on my recent success are pretty terrible!”

“As is your apparent lack of skill as a bounty hunter. If his Honorable Tyranny were still a thing, he’d be using your shin bone to pick his teeth. Good thing you don’t need to worry about that, huh, Terezi?”

“Oh shit,” Dave said, pulling out his handheld and typing something.

Terezi glanced over at him. “What are you doing?” Just as she finished asking that, Dave stopped typing and Terezi’s device made a sound, informing her that she received a message. There was no question it was from Dave.

“Just calling the Can Town police, because shots were _fucking fired_.” You snickered at her apparent annoyance, Dave smirking as he stowed away his device. “Then I remembered you were more or less the fuzz, so you already know. My bad.” 

“Smartass!” she said, swinging her cane at his shin. He must’ve been expecting the strike, because she missed.

You rubbed the rest of the sleepiness from your eyes and, taking quick stock of your surroundings, deduced you were on one of the lab rooftops. If you were right, you actually weren’t too far off from the hallway where you vaguely remembered falling asleep. The nearby transportalizer whirred and John appeared. He certainly did not look pleased. Your eyes trailed down to the object he was holding under his arm, several questions already popping into your pan.

You asked the most pressing one first. “What the hell happened to _him_?” 

John looked down at Sollux’s limp form, but didn’t answer. He strode over to Terezi and dumped the seemingly unconscious troll on top of her before approaching Dave. He stood there coolly, hands in his pockets, while John cross his arms.

“Not cool, dude,” your matesprit finally said. “Using timey-wimey powers is clearly against the rules.”

“You didn’t explain any rules when we started this.”

“It was implied!”

“Oh, so freezing you is clearly against the rules, yet, you regularly transform into sentient farts to get some free shots in. Sounding a little hypocritical there, Egbert.”

John didn’t say anything, only narrowing his eyes at the pale-haired tool. Dave clearly had a point, you had to admit, and their little exchange pretty much tipped you off to how Terezi got her grabby mitts on you.

After a long moment of silent staring, during which you could just _feel_ the romantic tension between them, John spoke. “So are you guys done with whatever it is that you wanted to do? I’d really like that all this stuff would end-“

“Five,” Dave said, cutting John off.

“Five what?” he asked.

“You’re having five, dude.” Dave’s head nodded in your direction, and John looked at you, a little shocked.

His eyes moved slowly from your face to your stomach. “You mean-“

“Yep,” Dave interrupted. He clapped John on his shoulder and let his hand linger there. “Congrats, you trained some champion swimmers.”

“Uhhh…” John stuttered. The look on his face was giving Dave immense pleasure, and you had no idea why. Hell, you didn’t even know what they were talking about! “Are… are you sure?”

“Eighty-five-“

“Eighty-four,” Terezi corrected, adjusting her grip on Sollux so that she was holding him under her arm like a sack of ground carbo grass.

“Eighty-four percent sure,” Dave continued. He walked towards the transportalizer alongside Terezi. When they both stood on top of the platform, Dave yelled out, “You’re halfway to having your own baseball team!”

“Oh? How many players are there in a human baseball team?” Terezi asked. Dave shrugged.

“You better… fucking sleep with one nostril open,” you managed to hear Sollux mumble.

“Appleberry, how forward!” Terezi chuckled, “but I don’t accept cull-you-in-your-coon threats until after at least two hate dates.”

“Fuck you, if I wasn’t physically debilitated I’d be roasting you right here and now. You fucking owe me.”

The platform activated, but before the three of them disappeared, she cackled. “Wow, John must’ve really given you grief! You’re going to have to tell me what happened down there!”

When those guys were finally gone, you were free to start the embarrassingly difficult production of trying to stand up.

“Now that all of _that_ horseshit is over, let’s get going,” you said after getting to your feet without incident. John was staring off into space, unmoving, so you walked up to him and shook his shoulder. “Hey, you okay?” He looked at your face, but his gaze traveled down to your stomach again.

“Y-yeah, I’m good. Wow… five.” 

You looked his face over, noticing a slight burn on his cheek and a bit of blood under his nose, and reached out to hold it. “Did Sollux fry your brain or something?” 

His gaze was still focused on your abdomen, and his hands shakily moved to its sides, his fingers brushing them just barely. “We’re having… five…” he muttered. 

What the hell is going on with him? 

 

**== > John: Faint**

You were already in the process of doing so because oh my stars and garters that’s a lot of fucking kids. Next stop, the floor.

 

**== > Be Karkat again**

John lifted his head back up and started falling backwards because _oh shit he’s fainting!_

You moved as quickly as you could to try to catch him, but you soon realized that was a bad idea when you started falling with him, cursing the entire way down and landing on your ass.

Fuck your diminishing balance in every conceivable way. 

You sighed, rubbing your butt and thinking about what you should do. You quickly checked to see if John would wake, patting his face and calling his name. No response, he was out cold. You briefly thought about what this meant to your immediate situation and quickly concluded that there was no way you could carry him back; You barely had the physical aptitude to move _yourself_ nowadays… especially if there were stairs involved. 

You got to your feet and moved onto the transportalizer to check the other end. Yup, there were stairs, specifically ones that John and Kanaya hadn’t installed handrails on. God dammit. You groaned out your frustrations when you remembered that you also left all of your communication devices in your pile. For some reason, you did not want to disturb the integrity of the set-up, despite it being the more illogical decision.

John most likely had something on him, though. You’d just use that and call Kanaya up so that you could avoid the risk of embarrassing yourself (or dying) trying to get John and yourself down a flight of stairs.

You leaned over and pulled his glasses off of his face, wondering why you can’t enjoy your afterglow like they do in the movies.

 

**== >**

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

EB: KANAYA  
EB: ARE YOU BUSY RIGHT NOW?   
EB: AND JUST TO GET THAT QUESTION OF “WHY AM I TALKING IN ALL CAPS” HURDLING TOWARDS ME OUT OF THE WAY, THIS ISN’T JOHN.   
GA: Oh Hello Karkat I Was Hoping One Of You Would Get Back To Me  
GA: Did You And John Enjoy Your Outing  
EB: IT WAS SWELL AND ALL THAT BUT SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU BUSY RIGHT NOW?   
GA: Somewhat  
GA: Im Locked In A Combat Of Fashion Mediums In Order To Determine Who Has The Most Difficult Hobby  
GA: Knitting Or Sewing  
GA: With Each Of Us Trying to Perform The Others Respective Pastime  
EB: WOW WHAT.   
GA: At This Point I Surmise That I Am Losing  
GA: I Have Been Versed In The Basics Of Knitting But I Lack The Specific Knowledge Needed To Be Successful At Such A Task  
EB: THAT KNOWLEDGE BEING?   
GA: Knowledge Pertaining To Just What The Hell Im Doing With These Stupid Needles  
GA: This Thing I Made Is Either Going To Be A Tube Shaped Scarf Or An Overly Large Sock  
GA: Its Deplorable In Either Case And I Feel I Should Toss It Into The Nearest Open Flame To Put It Out Of Its Misery  
EB: UH, OKAY.   
EB: NOW HOW THE DID YOU GET YOURSELF INTO THAT PREDICAMENT, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, WHY?   
GA: As Per Usual We Made Our Usual Conversational Rounds Until I Made An Offhand Comment About Knitting   
GA: And Thus Started This Downward Spiral Of Yarn Based Shame That Continues To Spin More Out Of Control With Every Dropped Stitch  
GA: From Where Im Sitting It Looks Like She Is Doing Well With My Sewing Machine  
GA: Watching Her Work Is Quite The Sight I Might Add  
GA: Such Concentration In Her Features  
EB: I’M REALLY CONFUSED AS TO WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH WITH LALONDE.   
EB: YOU ARE FLUSHED FOR HER, RIGHT?   
GA: Right  
EB: THAT’S WEIRD, BECAUSE EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND, I SEE YOU TWO ALTERNATING BETWEEN RED SOLICITATIONS AND ONES THAT CAN BE MISCONSTRUED AS BLACK BY THOSE WITH AN INFERIOR EYE TO SUCH THINGS.   
EB: WHY KEEP UP WITH ALL THE HORSESHIT?   
GA: Lingering Addictions Expire With Difficulty  
EB: CLEARLY.   
EB: I JUST LAUGH MY ASS OFF WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE FACT IT WAS ME AND JOHN THAT ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING QUADRANT WISE.   
EB: YOU TWO BROADS WERE DANCING AROUND EACH OTHER PERIGEES BEFORE JOHN AND I GOT INVOLVED, SO I’M STILL WAITING FOR THE MOMENT ONE OF YOU BEND THE OTHER OVER THE NEAREST FLAT SURFACE AND HAVE AT IT.   
GA: Karkat You Know Very Well That We Just Cant Do That  
GA: Look Where Thats Gotten You  
EB: HA HA VERY FUCKING FUNNY.   
GA: Incidentally I Was Told That I Should Just Go For It  
GA: So Maybe Its About Time I Made Some Attempt To Further Things Along Whether It Be For Better Or Worse  
EB: NOW WHO TOLD YOU THAT?   
GA: Your Matesprit  
EB: AND WHY THE HELL IS HE GIVING YOU ADVICE?   
EB: I’D HARDLY CONSIDER HIM SOMEONE ANYBODY WOULD GO TO FOR ADVICE.   
GA: To His Credit He Did  
GA: As Dave Once Said   
GA: And I Quote  
GA: Successfully Docked His Meat Ship Into Weird Troll Vajayjay Bay And Unloaded His Finest Shipment Of Egbertian Creampies  
GA: And I Am Going To Assume The Obvious For That Euphemism  
EB: OH MY FUCK DID HE REALLY  
EB: YOU KNOW WHAT LET’S JUST DROP IT AND GET THIS DERAILED CONVERSATION BACK ON TRACK.   
EB: IT’S REALLY STARTING TO KILL WHATEVER’S LEFT OF MY POST COITAL HIGH.   
GA: I See  
GA: Congratulations On That I Suppose  
EB: WHOA DID THAT REALLY JUST TYPE ITSELF OUT?   
EB: FUCK, I DIDN’T MEAN TO SAY THAT!   
EB: STUPID GLASSES!!   
GA: Consider The Conversation Replaced On Its Proper Railing  
GA: Now What Did You Need   
EB: I NEED YOU TO COME GET ME AND JOHN.   
GA: Why  
GA: Is Something The Matter  
EB: JOHN PASSED OUT AND HE’S NOT WAKING UP.   
EB: I’D JUST BRING HIM BACK MYSELF BUT THERE ARE MORE STAIRS INVOLVED ON THIS RETURN TRIP THAN I’D LIKE.   
EB: THAT PREFERRED NUMBER BEING NONE.   
GA: Did He Hit His Head  
EB: DUNNO LET ME CHECK.   
EB: URGH.   
EB: I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW BLIND JOHN IS.   
EB: I CAN’T SEE JACK SHIT OUT OF THESE FUCKING THINGS.   
EB: IT’S A WONDER I CAN EVEN READ WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.   
GA: Which Brings Up The Question Of Why You Have To Resort To Contacting Me Using His Glasses  
EB: BECAUSE IN A STROKE OF RAW UNFILTERED BRILLIANCE I VENTURED OUT ON THIS RIDICULOUS LABORATORY HIKE WITHOUT ANY COMMUNICATION DEVICES ON ME LIKE A SLIMESPONGED WIGGLER DESTINED FOR NATURE’S CULLING FORK.   
EB: LET’S JUST SEE WHAT I HAVE HERE IN MY LAB HIKER’S INVENTORY.   
EB: TWO COOKIES.   
EB: TWO GOD DAMN COOKIES.   
EB: YUP, THAT’S IT, BECAUSE I ATE EVERYTHING ELSE, BECAUSE EVERYTHING I KEEP IN HERE IS FUCKING EDIBLE.   
EB: THAT’S SOME SAVANT-LEVEL PACKING RIGHT THERE.   
EB: TOTALLY READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD!   
GA: Your Terrible Sylladex Stocking Habits Aside  
GA: Did You Check His Head Yet  
EB: HIS HEAD LOOKS FINE.   
EB: HIS NOSE LOOKS A LITTLE BANGED UP, THOUGH.   
EB: THAT’S PROBABLY MY FAULT, BUT I DON’T REMEMBER IT LOOKING LIKE HE GOT SLAMMED INTO A WALL.   
GA: We Will Concern Ourselves With His Nose Later  
GA: Just Tell Me Where You Are And I Will Be There Momentarily

 

**== > Kanaya: Concede defeat and go retrieve the boys.**

“Everything alright, Kanaya?”

You looked up from your device to Rose, whose focus was still on the motions of the fabric under the sewing machine.

“Karkat and John need some assistance,” you said as Karkat relayed his location to you. After reading the lines of capitalized blue, you realized he wasn’t too far, but there was a rather large series of stairs that he probably shouldn’t attempt without something to hold on to, let alone while trying to carry John. He shouldn’t be doing any heavy lifting in the first place.

“I should be almost done,” Rose said. Her announcement prompted you to look down at your own handiwork. You grimaced accordingly at your sock-scarf thing and all of its blatant errors. Where’s an open flame when you need one?

“I think I may be as done as I ever will be,” you said with a sigh. She did not respond; she simply kept her gaze pinned to the moving needle and fabric with an uncanny determination that you are, for some reason, finding immensely attractive.

Why is she so fucking perfect?

“Alright, finished!” she said with excitement. “Now let us… compare?” You both gasped when she lifted her arm, and the dress in front of her moved with it. She was wearing a nice looking blouse that, upon first setting eyes on it, made you think you were a tad under dressed for your little meet up. Now it was awkwardly attached to the waist of a lavender dress, sewn together at her sleeve and clashing horribly with the blouse’s bright cantaloupe orange.

“Oh dear,” she murmured, blushing when the realization finally set in.

“Now just how in the world did you manage that?” you inquired with a hand raised to your mouth, attempting not to laugh.

“No idea.” Rose just flailed her arm a bit, as if that would do anything to the stitches fusing the two articles of clothing. “Hm, I guess we can call this a tie?”

“I concur,” you said, lifting the results of your knitting needles. “I’m not sure if one could even use what I made for anything practical.”

“I could probably think of something,” she replied with an upturn of her lips. “So I’ll just… figure whatever this is out, and you can go help Karkat.”

“Alright. I won’t be long.”

“Do take your time. I may be a while.”

You turned to leave the block, but stopped just short of the doorway. You looked back, taking in how Rose was fiddling with the stitches of her sleeve, and ran various thoughts through your pan. Amongst the cascade of thoughts stood out Karkats phrasing of “DANCING AROUND EACH OTHER” and John saying “kanaya, you should totally just smooch her! B)”

Perhaps some initiative was in order. Actually, you figured it was absolutely necessary at this point. It was high time you stopped “dancing” and become “human lesbians” with Rose (now that you know what they were), and made up for that shameful reaction during the search for food back in the deeper reaches of the meteor. 

You clenched your fist for a second in order to get a hold of your runaway nerves and turned on your heel before striding back over to Rose.

“Did you forget something?” she asked.

You swallowed before replying as levelly as possible, “as a matter of fact, I did.”

Gently placing a hand to her face to turn it just so, you watched as her eyes widened just slightly in her confusion. Then you leaned in.

When your lips touched hers, everything seemed to turn white. Your skin tingled with a hot intensity, so much so that it was almost startling. It must’ve really felt amazing… or you were just glowing obscenely bright. You couldn’t tell, but the softness and contrasting warmth of her lips were definitely things you were enjoying. When the brief contact ended you looked at Rose, her eyes still wide and unfocused and her face red, anxious to hear her thoughts.

“Well?” you said with a weak smile.

“I… can’t see.” That pretty much confirmed one thing. “But that was a _very_ pleasant surprise. I give it an eight out of ten due to being inflicted with, hopefully, temporary blindness.”

“Perhaps we could try again when I return, and I can try for a more acceptable score?”

“Definitely, and remind me to keep my eyes closed in our future displays, or maybe steal Dave’s sunglasses.”

With a smile and a nod, you walked away, and she kept staring into space, unmoving, until you had left through the door. When it closed behind you, you fell backward and leaned against it, trying to get the amazingly warm and fuzzy feeling in your undead organs to settle down. It almost felt like you were back on Alternia, basking in the wonderful rays of the desert sun, something you missed dearly. 

When you felt you could walk in a straight line down the hallway, you prepared to head to Karkat’s location, but the sound of something heavy hitting the ground made you cringe, mostly because it sounded like your sewing machine.

“Rose?” you called out from your side of the door.

“I’m, fine! I just, uh, forgot I had sewn myself to the cloth is all,” Rose responded with clear fluster. You heard a final, faint “damn it all,” and shook your head, unable to contain the grin that was threatening to monopolize your face.

She is just fucking perfect. 

 

**== >**

EB: DAY THREE  
EB: I AM NOW DOWN TO MY FINAL COOKIE.   
EB: I WAS INFORMED HELP WAS ON THE WAY BUT NOW I AM NOT SO SURE.   
EB: I WILL NO DOUBT STARVE, EATEN FROM THE INSIDE OUT BY THE MUTANT SPAWN OF MY IDIOTIC MATESPRIT WHO IS OUT COLD BESIDE ME.   
EB: HE WILL DEFINITELY BE NEXT ONCE I AM BUT AN EMPTY HUSK, DEVOURED AND USED FOR SUSTENANCE BY OUR PROGENY.   
GA: Really Karkat  
EB: YES REALLY.   
EB: I’M BORED OUT OF MY SKULL AND YOU’RE TAKING FOREVER.   
EB: ARE YOU EVEN COMING?   
GA: I Left Approximately Five Minutes Ago And Im Nearing The Final Expanse Of Stairs  
EB: IT SURE IS TAKING YOU LONG ENOUGH.   
EB: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT RAINBOW DRINKER SPEED THAT YOU EMPLOY EVERY SO OFTEN?   
GA: I Am Just Using The Moment To Bask In The Warm Glow Of My Recent Accomplishment  
EB: NOW I’M GENUINELY CURIOUS TO WHAT YOU COULD HAVE ACCOMPLISHED IN THE LAST FEW MINUTES AFTER THAT WHOLE BEING A FAILURE AT KNITTING.   
GA: Its Not That Impressive  
EB: TELL ME ANYWAY.   
EB: I’M GOING TO BE WAITING HERE UNTIL YOU DECIDE TO HAUL ASS EITHER WAY, SO I’D APPRECIATE THE ENTERTAINMENT.   
GA: I Kissed Rose  
EB: WHAAAAAAAAAT???   
GA: I Would Appreciate If You Did Not Make This A Big Deal  
EB: BUT IT IS A BIG DEAL!   
EB: FUCKING FINALLY! RELEASE THE CEREMONIAL BLANCHED FEATHERBEASTS!   
EB: WHEN YOU GET UP HERE, YOU CAN HAVE MY LAST COOKIE AS A CONGRATULATORY GIFT FOR FINALLY MAKING LIP CONTACT WITH FLIGHTY BROAD NUMBER TWO.   
EB: HELL, I’M EVEN CONSIDERING BITING MY FINGER SO I COULD DRIP A BIT OF BLOOD ON IT JUST FOR YOUR GROSS ENJOYMENT.   
GA: While I Appreciate The Sentiment I Would Prefer You Did Not Cause Unnecessary Wounds To Your Person  
EB: YEAH YEAH BECAUSE MY WELL BEING IS OBVIOUSLY TOP PRIORITY.   
EB: I FEEL SO FUCKING IMPORTANT NOW.   
GA: Karkat  
GA: One Day You Will Understand That You Were Never Not Important   
EB: SURE.   
GA: Now  
GA: While You Await My Arrival Why Dont You Fill Me In To Why John Is Unconscious In The First Place   
EB: I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW MYSELF.   
EB: ALL I’M AWARE OF IS THAT TEREZI’S TONGUE HAD ITS WAY WITH MY SWOLLEN GUT, DAVE FOUND SOMETHING INCREDIBLY AMUSING, AND JOHN FAINTED WHEN DAVE SHARED THAT INFORMATION WITH HIM.   
GA: Do You Happen To Know What Said Information Was  
EB: THAT WE WERE HAVING FIVE.   
GA: Hmm  
GA: Im Assuming That Refers To The Number Of Eggs You Are Currently Gestating Given The Circumstances  
EB: THAT… WOULD MAKE SENSE.   
EB: BUT WHY THE HELL WOULD THAT MAKE HIM PASS OUT LIKE THAT?   
GA: My Preliminary Guess Is That He Was Overcome By The Size Of The Clutch  
EB: IS FIVE A LOT?   
GA: The Average Is Around Three And That Is The Number I Told Him To Expect At First  
GA: Even Then I Noticed He Seemed A Little Overwhelmed By The Prospect  
GA: Five Is A Very Good Number To Start Off The Next Generation Though  
GA: It Is Higher Than What I Was Expecting So I May Need To Make Some Alterations To The Ectobiology Lab  
EB: FOR THE SAKE OF COMPARISON, WHAT IS THE AVERAGE NUMBER OF OFFSPRING HUMANS HAVE IN ONE TERM?   
GA: One  
GA: And Anything More Is A Rare Occurrence Im Told  
EB: WELL SHIT, NO WONDER HE FUCKING FAINTED.   
GA: He May Have Overreacted A Bit Because He Might Be Thinking In More Human Terms Where The Infants Rely Completely On The Progenitors.   
GA: To My Knowledge The Preferred Set Up Is Having At Least Two Adults Rearing A Single Human Child Though A Single Custodial Unit Seems To Suffice  
GA: Grubs On The Other Hand Can Be Entirely Independent Up To Pupation As Long As They Have Enough Food To Prevent Them From Trying To Eat Each Other  
EB: NOW THAT’S SOMETHING I REALLY DIDN’T NEED TO THINK ABOUT.   
EB: SO HOW ARE THOSE STAIRS GOING?   
GA: They Are Going  
EB: YOU ARE DOWN TO HALF A VICTORY COOKIE.   
EB: IF YOU STILL WANT TO CLAIM WHATEVER IS LEFT OF IT, YOU BETTER START SWISHING THOSE HIPS UP THOSE STAIRS A LITTLE BIT QUICKER.   
GA: I Think Id Survive Without It  
EB: YOUR LOSS. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With the posting of this chapter, I'm proud to say that I'm 100% caught up with the story posted on the kink meme! Now I can focus more on the future chapters, and I'm really surprised it only took me about a month and a half to get this up to date. :D
> 
> Now I want to share that when I update (as in, actually update and not repost), I usually do it in small amounts. A chapter of this fic usually constitutes of 3 or more updates that spanned several weeks on the kinkmeme. I'm considering just posting updates here whenever I update the kink meme, but that means that the parts will end up being MUCH shorter than these past 27, and that may just eat at me and my preference for consistency. However, tf I wait until i have enough updates to make a decent length chapter, it would seem a little unfair to those who prefer not to, or simply cannot, read the updates on the kinkmeme since they have to wait longer!
> 
> I haven't made a final decision yet, but once I write the next part, I'll let you guys know. (Hint, I'm leaning towards the former).
> 
> **ALSO!!** If you want to keep track of it on the kink meme, the link is in the beginning notes of the first chapter!


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First Ao3 update since I've started writing new parts! Keep in mind that you can see newer parts on my tumblr or the kink meme if you do not wish for to wait for me to consolidate them and put them up here. (Links are in the end notes)

**== > Be John**

“Holy shit, it’s hot,” you mumbled when your level of discomfort finally exceeded your desire to stay asleep and continue spooning your boyfriend. You’ve quickly gotten used to Karkat’s own body heat pressed up against you, but with everything else at an absolutely _broiling_ temperature, it was getting to be way too much!

You sat up, feeling pretty yucky. Sweat drenched your entire body, and the tee shirt sticking to you like a second skin was almost see-through with how wet it was. Looking down, you saw that the covers were already kicked off by you, Karkat, or some combination of your efforts during your slumber, but you still ended up lying in a pool of sweat…

Karkat, still snoozing soundly despite all of the heat, turned his head slightly towards you and allowed you to take in his face. Instinctively, you moved one of his wet bangs off to the side of his forehead, realizing that he was sweating up a storm, too. Shit. How long have you been napping? You needed to make sure he didn’t dehydrate during this heat spell.

You stretched before locating and tapping your glasses, bringing up your pesterlog window to see what time it was. It had been a couple hours since that one conversation with Kanaya. She was working in the ectobiology lab when the meteor entered the latest dream bubble, and it was apparent you hadn’t left, if the raging heat was indicative of anything. You pulled at the neck of your shirt, peeling the article off of your skin and grimacing at the feeling. You don’t think it ever got this hot back in Washington, and the only place that had a _chance_ of rivaling these conditions was Dave’s planet!

You breathed deeply, feeling the hot, dry air fill your lungs, and exhaled extra slowly. Your breath defied whatever physics the Furthest Ring employed, circulating all the air in the room to create a light breeze that continued to blow even after you stopped actively exhaling. It was nice for a bit, but then it just felt like you were blowing hot air around. Removing all sweat-drenched clothes until you were down to your boxers, you decided that you needed to go get some water, and probably some food, since it had been a while since Karkat had eaten.

He’s eating for six after all.

The thought prompted you to look back at your boyfriend, taking in that he’s been getting a little bigger each day, perhaps more so after you learned how many eggs he had in there. Five, you recalled again. It was going to take more than the couple of weeks since learning about the size of your litter (which it might as well be called!) for it to settle in with you. Truthfully, you had gotten used to the idea that you were going to have triplets after the first couple months of Karkat being pregnant! You were perfectly prepared to give each and every one of them an equal amount of that Egbertian love and parenting that your dad was able to smother you with, thinking that it would be much more bearable with three of them to split the smothering between (and you were _so_ going to smother them). 

But five? You don’t even know if there is enough of you to go around with that many of them! Hell, would they even _fit_ in Karkat’s belly when they’re fully grown? Everyone, both human and troll, could agree that he’s not very… uh, big, in any terms beside voice and personality, and you could only imagine how fucking huge he was going to be once he was full term. Yikes!

_And you still haven’t decided on names!_

Your head suddenly started to ache. It wasn’t one of those momentary head throbbings you tended to get when you got too engrossed in your thoughts; this was a full on headache that may or may not be a migraine. You’ve never had one before, so you weren’t entirely sure what one felt like. It was kind of a new sensation to you, like someone drilling into your skull, and you didn’t start having them until a couple weeks ago. It had you wondering if they were as bad as Karkat’s back when he wasn’t sleeping and eating properly, because you weren’t getting a lot of the former as of late.

Oh right. Eating. You had to go get food. And water. Especially water. You slowly faded into the swirling air of the room and blew into the vents towards the kitchen. There was still plenty of time to worry about names later, right?

 

**== > Dave: Sweat like a oink beast (or whatever they call pigs) in the kitchen**

“Dave, I am so sorry,” Rose groaned into the kitchen table. You were sitting beside her at the same table, trying to move as little as possible lest you generate more unnecessary heat.

“For what?”

“That you had to endure anything remotely similar to this fucking heat wave, both in Houston and on your planet, on a regular basis.”

“Oh, that,” you said, taking a quick swig of icy cold apple juice. “It ain’t no thing. You get used to blistering heat after a while. You learn how to adapt, or at least not die.” You wiped your brow, letting that last phrase hang in the air as you waited for Rose’s response. It took a little while.

“… I think I’m melting,” she finally said, still not lifting her head from its place on the table.

“Probably. How did you survive your stay on my planet if this heat’s got you down?” You felt inclined to ask since you were pretty sure she was on your dumb lava-flooded planet at some point.

“Black majykks.”

“Ah.” You didn’t know if she was telling the truth, but you didn’t really care all that much.

She lifted her head high enough to take a sip of… something green and translucent with ice cubes floating in it. It looked really gross so you didn’t ask her what it was. It was probably something weird she put together with that thing she called alchemy, and probably something that wasn’t all that good for her.

A box of cheerios fell over, and you jumped, the sound much louder than it should’ve been due to it being so quiet in the kitchen. You quickly relaxed after realizing that it was an idiotic thing to flinch to.

“You seem tense,” Rose said.

You shrugged, realizing that your shoulders were indeed a little tense. “Meh.”

“And somewhat taciturn. It’s either the heat, or you have something on your mind.” Oh god, here we go. “Anything you’d like to talk about?” You might as well get this over with.

“Yes, ‘dear ectobaby sister,’ I have quite the mother load on my mind, so I’ll cut to the chase and tell you to avoid all the annoying prodding that I just know will come. I’ve recently maxed the utter shit out of my prankster’s gambit with the whole revealing how many buns Karkat’s got in his oven, and John’s totally off his game. It’s been weeks and he still hasn’t made his move, and it’s driving me _fucking nuts._ I keep wondering when I’m going to get a pie to the face or a bucket to the head, or if it’s even coming at all! I’ve even _lost_ some ticks off of my gambit because I thought he was going to pull something when I ran into him in the hall and all he said was ‘hi.’”

She nods slowly, her chin now held up by a delicate hand as if she was processing such a deluge of data. Before she was able to respond, you continued.

“So now I’m thinking this whole kismesitude business is a load of hoofbeast shit because _what am I even thinking?!_ I’m trying to be fucking hate boyfriends with someone who probably shits sunshine, and who’s having five fucking kids! People barely had time for _one_ , so what am I doing trying to start something that probably won’t even continue after Karkles pops those eggs out, assuming this whole quadratic relationship crap is plausible in the first fucking place?”

Rose took a contemplative sip of her weird drink, eyebrows raised in astonishment because you probably told her a lot more of what you were thinking in the last thirty seconds than you have the whole two plus years you’ve been on this god damn rock. It was too fucking hot to be flighty, so you thought you’d humor her, just this once.

“He probably doesn’t shit sunshine.”

“All of that, and _that’s_ what you have to comment on?” you exclaimed, almost insulted that she didn’t have anything psychoanalytical to say to what was akin to unscrewing your skull open and letting her read between every wrinkle of your brain.

“During your little outpouring, I’ve recalculated the amount of energy required to play psychoanalyst under these conditions, and came to the conclusion that I just can’t do it. I’ll get back to you once it cools down thirty degrees.”

You sighed, then figured that she was pretty much right. “Yeah, this dream bubble is being extraordinarily shitty. Even the ghosts are avoiding it like the plague.”

“I’m still wondering who’s memories this bubble encompasses, because nowhere should be this hot,” Rose said, producing more ice out of her sylladex and dropping it into her drink.

“Well there are plenty of explanations for that,” you began, “The bubble could be digging its soapy claws into my memories concerning that famous Houston heat. Then there are two different types of desert memories, one from the Mayor, and one from your vampire girlfriend.”

“Ugh, deserts.”

“Then there’s the collective memories that you, John, and I have from being on my planet, and I think Karkat, Terezi, and Sollux have some memories of a fiery themed planet. Brains and Fire, I think it was called? So I’m going to say it’s all of our fault unless you decide to go outside and actually check what memories are in play.”

“Hell no,” Rose said immediately.

“Haha, yeah, but can you imagine if it was all of it at once?”

She shook her head. “Please don’t make me think about hot stuff anymore.”

You smirked. “I guess that doesn’t really help the situation.”

All topics regarding obscenely hot places were immediately dropped and you moved to take another refreshing drink of AJ, turning away from the table so you could get a look at something else besides wall. That’s when the topic of your earlier heat-induced ramble suddenly appeared out of nowhere amongst a gust of uncomfortably hot air.

The sight made you expel whatever sweet juice that was in your mouth in a puff of apple-flavored mist, and you quickly turned back around to the table to hide whatever your face looked like right now because it was probably stupid and embarrassing.

“Very smooth, Dave,” Rose said dryly, wiping the side of her cheek because you probably spit some juice in her direction. You just stared at the wall, trying to ignore that John literally appeared right in front of you in _nothing but boxer shorts that were sticking to his sweaty (yet beautiful) ass_.

“Is there any ice water left?” John asked after looking into the fridge.

“Here, I have the code,” Rose said. John padded over to where you were and took the card holding a water bottle from her. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw her smiling and speaking all cordially as if he wasn’t standing there half-fucking-naked, his sweat-glazed body glistening in the laboratory lighting like a Greek god. Okay, maybe that’s over exaggerating a bit. John was maybe four stages away from Greek god-dom, but he was still pretty hot.

Like that ass. Was that ass always there, hiding in those blue god tier pants, or were you just not paying attention? And that prominent happy trail. You wouldn’t mind following _that_ trail all the way into those shitty ghost-print boxers.

Oh god, what were you doing, checking out his bod? You did a triple sow cow off the deep end onto a one way boat ride to the island of perving on dorky teenage baby daddies. 

“Thanks!” John said, putting the card away. He glanced over at you, and you glanced away, glad that he couldn’t tell what your eyes were doing because of your shades. “What’s his problem?” he asked Rose, pointing his thumb at you.

She shrugged. “No idea. Possibly heat stroke?”

“Oh… well, good luck with that!” Clearly he wasn’t taking what Rose said seriously, because heat stroke was serious business. You’re from Texas. You knew.

“Nice to know that you are so concerned for your best bro. Thanks,” you said with clear sarcasm.

“ _Are_ you having a heat stroke?” he asked expectantly. You still weren’t looking in his direction, but you could just imagine him standing in his underwear, one skeptical eyebrow raised to match his tone and hands on his hips just above the low riding waist of his shorts.

Oh fuck, you just need to quit. This shit was getting out of hand.

“No,” you responded.

“Well alright then!”

He had his water so he poofed out of existence and went on his merry way… probably through the vents since those things seem to get the most traffic these days. When he was gone, your head hit the table.

“…I lost more points,” you grumbled. Rose simply pat you on the shoulder. “He must be doing it on purpose. Tell me he’s doing this on purpose as a way to get back at me for stealing his boyfriend and letting my associate slobber all over him.”

“He’s not doing this on purpose and you’re going completely insane.”

“That’s the exact opposite of what I asked for.” Your response only earned an annoying hum of agreement. Rose was the worst sister that you never asked for.

“You did miss out though. The view was lovely when he bent over to look in the fridge. I’m sure you would’ve enjoyed it,” she said with a knowing waggle of her brows.

You gasped, feigning shock. “Rose, you’re living the dream of millions of deceased teenagers and you’re checking out a taken man’s ass. Shameful.”

“Says the one trying to make him his kismesis. But I’m thinking he has the right idea.” She took another sip, the ice cubes clinking against the side of her glass. “It’s too hot for shame.”

In the middle of her saying that, the kitchen door opened behind you and you heard footsteps and the clacking of a cane come through. “Too hot for what now?”

“Egbert was just in here and she was saying… that…” You paused when you finally turned to look at the kitchen’s newest occupant. “Terezi, where the fuck are your pants?”

She looked down at her colorful shorts with printed scalemates. “Obviously not on my person.”

Throwing up both hands, you stood up and moved towards the door. “Okay you know what, I’m going to go hang in Can Town where going around in boxers shorts is considered public indecency.”

You had to get out of there because you just couldn’t take the idea of a sweaty underwear party occurring on the meteor right now. It was simply too hot for this shit.

 

**== > Briefly be Terezi**

Dave stormed out of the kitchen, all flustered and fed up with your lack of pants. It’s not like you’re all that indecent! So maybe your shirt was a little thin, and maybe it was sticking to your rumble spheres a bit… you just valued your comfort a lot more than such silliness because this heat should be fucking illegal. Plus, these boxers were just so easy to wear!

You took his seat, wiping sweat from your brow and causing the few locks of hair on your forehead to stick in the direction your hand went.

“I don’t know why he thinks he’s going to find any solace with the Mayor,” you said, “he _never_ wears any pants!”

Rose shrugged in an exaggerated manner, physically conveying the message of “welp.”

Who knew someone who drew dicks all the time could be such a prude!

 

**== > John: Return to room with refreshments**

After a quick trip to the alchemiter to stock up on nicely chilled fluids, you whooshed back into your room, reforming and immediately taking out a bottle. You were considering using a wet cloth to keep Karkat cool until he woke up and could drink something proper, but it looked like he was already up when you got back. However, the sight immediately made you worry. He was sprawled on the bed, an arm draped over his eyes and his breath coming in dry and controlled puffs. 

“Karkat, you okay?” you asked as you approached.

“Fuck… I can’t breath,” he replied, sitting up, “w-what’s going on?”

“We’re in a dream bubble. A sucky, hot as hell one. It might actually be a dream bubble of hell for all we know! Here, have some water.” You handed him the bottle and quickly withdrew another alongside the cloth. You poured a bit of it on his head to cool him off while he drank. He was drenched by his own sweat anyway, so you didn’t think it’d matter. “Any better?”

“I feel sick,” he said, scattering droplets of water with a shake of his head, and you put a hand on his shoulder.

“Do you need to go to the toilet?” Pouring some water on the cloth, you wiped at his face and neck, taking note of how flushed he was. He really wasn’t looking well, and you needed to make sure you were in position for another code green; You weren’t wearing any clothes to block it this time, and a direct hit would mean a trip straight to the ablution trap for you. 

He shook his head again. “I don’t know, but my stomach is a turbid shitstorm of despair invoked by countless angry flutterbeasts. It feels… weird.” 

You climbed onto the bed, really hoping the heat wasn’t getting to him. You had no idea if nausea was a symptom of heat stroke. If it wasn’t that, it could’ve been his hormones messing with his stomach again… or maybe he was coming down with something! Oh geez.

“Do you think we need to ask Kanaya if she can make that tea?” you asked, pulling him close with one arm around his shoulder. The air started to swirl again at your whim to create a bit of circulation, and your free hand moved over his abdomen, rubbing it in slow circles. “It helped settle your stomach last time so maybe- huh?” 

Something disrupted your train of thought… a subtle something that you felt under your palm. You lifted your hand away from his stomach, examining your appendage briefly with a look of slight confusion.

“Uh, John? So maybe what?”

You glanced at Karkat, then back to your hand before placing it back on the curve of his belly. “Oh, I was just saying that we could fix some cold tea and see if-“

Again, you felt something, pulling your attention away from whatever you were going to say.

“I’m going to go out on a limb and think you’re probably done saying anything of substance, but for future reference, finishing your sentences would be more beneficial to everyone involved in the conversation,” Karkat said, slightly irate. You paid him no mind, moving your hand to different places on his stomach. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Shush for a second,” you said. You lifted his shirt to just below his chest, revealing all of the gray skin of his belly before placing both of your hands on several places, letting them linger on each spot for a few seconds at a time.

“Are... you looking for something?” your matesprit asked, squirming under your touch. You still didn’t answer, and instead placed your cheek to his stomach, just above his navel. It was really clammy because both his tummy and your face were various levels of really fucking sweaty, but you endured the feeling for now. After a while, you figured you should stop because you had a good hunch that Karkat was getting weirded out, angry because you were ignoring him, or some combination of the two, but then you felt what you were looking for.

A brief flutter against your cheek.

“Ah!” you yelled, jolting back upright. The quick motion made Karkat jump.

“What!? What is it!?”

You left your hand where you last felt the movement, and in a few seconds, you felt it again! 

“Ah!” you exclaimed once more, this time with less surprise and more excitement. You immediately grabbed Karkat’s hand and place it over the spot. He looked at your hand that was covering his, then to you with eyes wide and brows furrowed with confusion.

“Okay, I have no idea what’s going on and you’re really starting to freak me out.” 

“Don’t you feel it?” you asked, smiling.

“You mean my overly apparent bodily functions? I’ve been feeling them off and on for the past half a perigee or so, so I’m not sure what’s so god damn shocking-”

“You dumb butt! Those are the babies! They’re moving!”

“Moving? You mean they’re…” He looked to his stomach again, eyes widening and jaw dropping before suddenly exclaiming “Ah!”

“They’re alive!” you exclaimed.

“Oh my god! You mean… that was… all that time…?” He stared at his stomach for a moment before suddenly exclaiming, “AH!”

“Ah!” you mirrored, your glee calling for yet another outburst. Your smile grew wider and wider as you picked up all the little flutters against your palms. You could barely contain your excitement, now knowing for sure that they’re alive and well in Karkat’s belly. It was amazing. Karkat was amazing. _You guys made babies_! You opened pesterchum to tell the first person that came to mind, because you just did not know what to do with yourself right now.

You were so wrapped up in your own emotions, you completely failed to notice that Karkat’s exclamations were not fueled by the same excitement that yours were.

 

**== >**

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

EB: AAAAHHH!!!!   
EB: OH MY GOD KANAYA!!!!!!!!   
GA: Karkat Are You Using Johns Glasses Again  
EB: NO IT’S ME.   
EB: I’M JUST REALLY EXCITED!!!!!!   
EB: REALLY REALLY EXCITED!!!!!!   
EB: SO MUCH EXCITEMENT!!!!!   
EB: I HAVE ALL OF THE EXCITEMENT!!!!!!   
GA: Now What Is The Source Of This Excitement That Warrants The Use Of Your Matesprits Typing Quirk And The Silly Over Usage Of The Word Excited   
EB: THE BABIES!!   
EB: THEY’RE MOVING!!   
EB: AAAAAH!!!!!!!!   
GA: Thats Fortuitous News  
GA: And A Lot Of Shout Poles  
EB: i can feel them! 

“Um, John, I can kinda understand your excitement over the revelation that your genetic material actually produced results,” Karkat stated nervously, “but do you think you can get them to, you know, stop?”

Your focus went from your conversation with Kanaya to Karkat, and it was then that you noticed that he was looking a little distressed. His breathing was shaky, and his teeth worried at his bottom lip. You suddenly remembered that this was still really weird for him, being a troll and all. While it was deeply ingrained that feeling baby kicks was a _magical experience_ because _wow there’s a person growing in there_ , to him this just meant there were five other creatures literally squirming around in there _and that shouldn’t be happening_. So it was basically you forgetting cultural stuff again. 

Dammit.

Your first instinct was to pull him into a tight embrace and try to help him calm down, because freaking out in this heat would probably be counterproductive. You were about to try to talk him down, reassure him that the babies moving wouldn’t do anything to harm him, and that it was a totally normal thing (you came across this in the book, so you were actually sure of this for once!), but when you placed a hand on his stomach in the hopes that a soothing belly rub would help mask the feelings of all the “wiggling,” you were caught off guard. They were moving an awful lot, and that didn’t seem right. You couldn’t imagine how it felt for Karkat.

He squirmed in your embrace, becoming more panicked by the second. “Make them stop…” he said in almost a whimper.

“Okay, uhm, shit, hold on.” You refocused on the window in your glasses lens.

EB: i think we have a problem.  
EB: karkat is REALLY freaking out and the babies are moving a lot.  
EB: it doesn’t strike me as normal…  
EB: could something be wrong?   
GA: That Does Sound A Little Disconcerting But We Cannot Be Sure  
GA: I Will Head Up And Check On Him So Just Give Me A Minute And  
GA: Oh  
GA: Oh Dear God  
GA: It Feels Like I Just Stepped Outside During High Noon Back At My Old Hive  
GA: Its Actually Quite Nice  
EB: uh, yeah, no.   
EB: i’ll have to disagree.   
GA: How Long Has It Been This Warm  
EB: i don’t think warm is the correct word to describe it…  
EB: but it’s been like this since shortly after we got into this stupid dream bubble!   
EB: we made the mistake of taking a nap and now it feels like everything is MELTING.   
GA: Hm  
GA: Most Trolls Have Difficulties Surviving Under These Conditions  
EB: are you saying karkat is overheating????   
GA: Possibly  
GA: He May Be Okay As Long As He Has Water  
GA: However The Grubs Might Be In Distress  
EB: !   
GA: And Karkat May Be Upset Because His Body Could Be Reacting To Said Distress On Top Of However Much Hes Freaking Out Right Now  
GA: Because I Imagine He Wouldnt Require The Presence Of Biological Signals To Freak Out After Sensing Actual Movement In His Abdomen  
EB: should i dump a shit ton of ice on him or something?!   
EB: or maybe i should throw him into a cold shower?   
EB: would that be better?   
GA: Stay Calm  
GA: Just Bring Him Down To The Ectobiology Lab  
EB: is it cooler in there?   
GA: Very Much So  
GA: The Rooms Controlled Environment Keeps The Temperature At A Moderate Level  
GA: Its Why I Did Not Realize How Hot It Was Until I Transported Out Of It  
GA: He Can Stay Here To Cool Off Until The Bubble Passes  
EB: okay!   
EB: on the way now!

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering grimAuxilatrix [GA].

Karkat was clutching at his shirt and his breathing was starting to reflect his growing panic, so you figured you better get moving before he goes into full-on freak out mode! 

“Come on, buddy, we gotta relocate!” you said with a hint of urgency. He looked a little too unsteady once you helped him to his feet, so you just scooped him and up and whisked him down to ectobiology lab yourself.

 

**== > Karkat: Unlock your special maternaladder and achieve the first rung!**

Congratulations are in order! You’ve finally unlocked your shiny new maternaladder! It’s about damn time, because you’re, what, more than halfway done and it’s just _now_ sinking in? The hell’s wrong with you?  (HEY, WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE!) 

Anyway! Now for an influx of preliminary information, since you do not have the convenience of an older and experienced custodial figure, or cultural context due to your backwards upbringing, to explain how the thing works.  (I’M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND LET SOME GAME ABSTRACTION’S SHITTY TUTORIAL TRY TO INSULT-) The maternaladder is the sister abstraction to the custodialadder, which would’ve been the one you received if you weren’t the one who was going to blast grubs out of his inflamed nether regions. They are basically the same in most regards, but the maternaladder comes with a whole slew of nifty passives that would help with the magical task of pushing what will become full-fledged trolls out of your nook, and possibly in rearing them. (HOW DO I SKIP THIS? WHY CAN’T YOU EVER SKIP THESE STUPID THINGS!?) 

Upon unlocking, you have instantly achieved the first rung: _Enlightened Incubator_! (THAT IS A TERRIBLE TITLE. I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE ALL OF THE REASONS WHY IT GARNERS IMMENSE DISPLEASURE-) Like the normal echeladder and the ladders climbed by those lucky god-tier players, each rung is custom named and has an appropriate challenge that will unlock it, all catered to the individual climbing it. Being the introductory rung, it doesn’t give all that much, except a healthy dose of vim to supercharge your vitals.  (VIM? REALLY? I DON’T GET ANY MANGRIT LIKE JOHN? WELL ISN’T THAT JUST THE SHITTIEST- WHOA, HEY, THAT’S A LOT OF FUCKING VIM…)

In addition to some stat growth, you also received a list of Custodian Prescripts, which are akin to the humans’ Guardian Rubrics. (THIS ONE RUNG GAVE ME MORE VIM THAN MOST OF MY ECHELADDER RUNGS COMBINED!)  Although empty, your Custodian Prescript list will soon fill up with countless maneuvers and orders that will help you keep the little shits growing in your gut in line. (WHEN WOULD I EVER NEED THIS MUCH VIM?) 

That’s pretty much everything, so we’ll just leave you to continue obsessing over the sudden jump in one of your game attributes. Once again, congratulations on finally getting it through your thick skull and beginning your journey to the top of another ladder. Better late than never! (HOLD ON A SEC I’M NOT DONE YET!) 

 

**== > **

“Karkat. Karkat, are you alright?”

“Karkat? C’mon, buddy, say something.”

“He’s unresponsive.” 

“Is he still too hot? Should I get some ice?”

Your mind began to refocus on what was happening around you instead of what was in your head, and you had to shake it a bit to help clear it up. You first noticed Kanaya kneeling beside you, glowing brightly as always, brushing a damp cloth against your cheek. The coolness of it was rather refreshing against your flushed skin. John then shook your shoulder gently, trying to get you to snap out of your trance sooner and only succeeding in ticking you off.

“Cut it out. I’m fine now.” You swatted both of their fussing mitts away from you, trying to get some fucking space now that you weren’t listening to the ramblings of game abstraction tutorials.

“You sure? Not too warm?” John asked, still concerned. “You were kinda out of it for a bit.”

“Yeah, I’m okay.” You breathed deeply, the air in this room was loads better than that excuse for oxygen back in the other parts of the lab where it was two degrees away from being able to cook a cluckbeast egg on the fucking floor. It’s a bit humid, though, and your air intake was cut short by a sudden tightness in your diaphragm. You weren’t sitting in a good position to be taking deep breaths with all the extra shit sitting in your abdomen. John, who was still watching you like a predatory skybeast, instantly picked up on your bit of discomfort.

“Karkat.. are you absolutely, positively, without a single doubt in the universe-“

“I’m _this_ close to taking this annoying pebble I’m sitting on and lobbing it at your sweat-shined forehead.”

John turned to Kanaya. “Yeah, he’s okay.” Satisfied with that, Kanaya stood and went over to a bunch of weird plants, while John scooted up in front of you. He was quiet for a second, like he was contemplating his next action. “I know you’re kinda freaked out, but can I-?”

You rolled your eyes, because you already knew what he was going to ask. “Go ahead.”

John’s face just screamed “yessss” as he carefully lifted up your shirt and placed his hands on your stomach. You could see the immense joy on his face when he caught one of the faint wiggles, and you would’ve dared to say it was contagious if you still weren’t notably uncomfortable with the fact that, yes, there were actual grubs in you. 

Granted, since the beginning of all this bullshit, you were outright _asking_ for some sort of confirmation that this wasn’t some overly elaborate attempt at dark humor, but now that you got it? It was kind of surreal, and you sort of wished you didn’t ask in the first place. At any other moment, you would probably be just losing your shit, but just watching your matesprit grope around for the slightest bit of movement was counteracting your nervousness just enough so that you were only slightly bothered, if that made any sense.

That said, you were extremely glad the little fuckers calmed down to the point you barely felt them anymore. 

John’s little exploration continued for a couple more minutes, but the gleeful smile on his face diminished to a more thoughtful one, like his mind was elsewhere. By that point you had already lied back and settled into your spot on the soft ground, trying to somehow relax after nearly losing it from a combination of heat and bodily movements that weren’t yours. The layer of soil that covered the floor appeared to be fairly thick, and it had you wondering how much fucking dirt Kanaya had poured all over the place. 

In fact, you barely recognized the room when John brought you here. Besides the ectobiology equipment on one side of the room (which was almost completely covered in the weird plants Kanaya was tending to), it didn’t look like the old room you used at all. There was weird glowing shit on the ceiling, large stalactites hung down almost dangerously (how the fuck did she get those in here?), and the walls were lined with varying rock formations and dull colored plants. 

You knew Kanaya was prepping the room for the wigglers, but you had _no_ idea she went through these lengths! It looked like a god damn cave. It was actually sort of comforting and cozy in a way, but you had no idea why. You also saw Sollux and the Mayor sitting in a little niche in one of the corners. The bit of light meant they probably had a husktop with them, and you guessed they were here to escape the heat, too.

“Hehe, this one over here wiggles the most,” John said, rubbing a small area right under the bottom rib on your left side. “This is too cool. You have raised a hundred rungs in coolness.”

“If you say so.” This human fascination with growing things in your abdomen was many levels of strange and confusing. “Speaking of rungs, I got my stupid ladder thing.”

His gaze flicked up to meet yours. “Really? Sweet! What’s your first rung called?” 

“Enlightened Incubator,” you said, your tone conveying your discontent clearly.

“That’s a weird title. Why would it be called that?”

“I don’t know. I guess… it might have to do with me not really believing this troll pregnancy stuff up until now.” You regretted the bit of sheepishness that snuck into that response.

“Ah, so you were in denial, and apparently accepting the fact that you were pregnant was the requirement?” he asked, patting your stomach. You simply shrugged, and he beamed a smile at you. “Sounds about right to me!”

You instantly went on the defensive. “Well, excuse the fuck out of me for not believing the paltry amount of proof provided at the time! It’s not like I haven’t already been fighting an ongoing battle with my own body long enough to not want to believe that there was some other disgusting aspect of my physical being I had to deal with.”

“I guess you have a point,” he relented, but quickly added, “but only on the proof part. Because I think all of your aspects are wonderful.”

“That’s because you’re fucking weird.”

“Only weird for you,” he said with that goofy grin.

He’s so fucking lame, and you were about to let him know for the millionth time before he leaned over and kissed you on the lips. It lingered for a few, deliciously warm seconds before he broke it, leaving you yearning for a little more. Half the shit that comes out of his mouth may be stupid, but you were thankful he was pretty quick with using that same mouth to make up for it.

“Hey, I don’t think you’ve ever been in here since Kanaya’s been working on it. Want to go look at all the plant and rock stuff? Or maybe we can look at your ladder and see if I can help you climb some rungs. It’s been a few months since I unlocked mine, so you need to catch up!”

“Sure, why not. It’s not like I have anything better to do.” This was especially true since the current dream bubble made leaving this room not an option, lest you wanted to bake in that ridiculous dream bubble heat. 

John pulled you to your feet, and you both went on to look at strange plants meant to be eaten by grubs. It probably would’ve been easier to pay attention to whatever he told you about them if he actually wore some fucking clothes.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little short i think (it's hard to tell when big memos are concerned), but i felt its been a good while since Ao3 readers had an update!
> 
> Oh, and **slight Warning for skin break outs due to allergic reactions** , though minor.
> 
> If you see any mistakes in any form, do let me know! My brain kinda frazzled itself after all of this formatting crap, cuz trying to format memos in two different ways for 2 different sites is DRAINING and typos and stuff might have made their way past my radar...

**== > Be Kanaya**

You think it needs to be said that you’re noticing quite the trend when it comes to John, one that you did not pick up on while everyone was trolling the humans over Trollian (which, of course, had everything to do with the fact you were always in contact with Rose or, to a lesser degree, Jade).

“John, I don’t think it would be too far-fetched to suggest that you are very accident prone.”

“Huh?” he said, turning around to you, “sorry, I wasn’t listening.”

“Nevermind,” you said, smirking briefly. He turned back around to face forward while you squeezed a generous glob of ointment onto your hand from a larva tube. The orange-colored goop caused your hand to burn slightly, before quickly replacing the sensation with a soothing coolness. You then applied the handful to the bare skin of John’s back, now covered by horrible looking red splotches like the rest of his body. He reacted to the sensation as one would expect, hissing and hunching his shoulders for a moment before relaxing, perhaps more since human skin was probably more sensitive. One could never say for sure.

It obviously wasn’t a good idea to give his matesprit a tour of various flora while clad in nothing but ghost-print boxer shorts. Merely a few moments ago, he stubbed his toe on a rock, tripped, and fell straight into a patch of plants, jumpstarting a fiery reaction on nearly every visible part of his skin. You started to itch just _looking_ at him.

The situation only cemented the idea that he was prone to accidents and it compounded with his previous injuries, two of which that were a large bruise on his face that you noticed when you watched over him and Karkat sleeping one time, and his banged up nose not more than a few weeks ago. Injuries such as these weren’t all that uncommon on Alternia, but it’s a little worrying that he’s always procuring new ones without the need of a Lusus to spar with on a daily basis, or dangerous wildernesses where wounds and bruises were commonplace.

“I’m going to need you to tell me which plants you fell into,” you began, rubbing small circles over his shoulder blade to properly spread the ointment. “Dave and Rose did not have such a reaction to any of the plants, and I believe this is the second time you’ve had one. Granted, this one is a lot more severe and widespread, and not confined to your hands. It would be good to know if it’s the same specimen that you’re reacting to.”

He looked down at his hive-covered hands, turning them over to inspect his palms. “Yeah, I’m definitely allergic.”

You nodded. “If the reaction can be inherited, I should probably remove the culprit just to be safe. There’s plenty of other plants the grubs can eat, so it wouldn’t be a big loss.”

John turned to look at where Karkat was sitting, over in the corner with the Mayor and Sollux. Sollux was chuckling about something, probably at Karkat’s expense, while the Mayor tapped away at the husktop. Karkat himself was busy watching the Mayor do his thing, but he was also munching away on some leaves. In fact, he had quite a few plants, roots, and fruits from the flora you grew in the caves sitting in his lap.

“Should he really be eating that stuff?” John asked.

“Everything grown in this cave is technically edible except for the sun moss on the ceiling,” you replied. “I believe we can trust Karkat’s judgment since his sense of smell and taste, at their enhanced levels, would warn whether or not something would be safe to ingest. Chances are they are providing something he needs, because I can honestly say that I wouldn’t eat them if I had a choice in the matter.”

“Makes sense,” he said, initially sounding distant, “but you’re a vampire girl! I’m not sure taste is something you can chime into too much.”

“I suppose.”

He continued to stare in the direction of his matesprit. The Mayor was gesturing towards the plants Karkat had in his lap, and Karkat let him have one. The Mayor bit into it, blinked a couple times, before spitting it all over the place. You found the little scene amusing, but John, who would’ve always chuckled at such an occurrence, seemed unaffected. You looked over his shoulder, noticing how he looked a little more tired than usual. 

You did your best to resist prying, because doing so would be indulging feelings that may end up leading you in a direction that was a bit more pale.

“You should feel them, Kanaya,” he said with an odd amount of reverence.

“The grubs?”

He nodded. “It’s so cool.”

“I wouldn’t doubt that.” From how the book described it, movement isn’t commonly noticed. It’s because Karkat’s having a larger clutch that makes it more noticeable. Soon, the egg shells will form and movement will probably not be felt at all. Either way, they both seemed to take something away from this experience, although exactly _what_ they took from it definitely differed between the two. 

John mumbled something that you didn’t quite catch.

“What was that?”

“I was saying I need to be more careful,” he repeated.

“I’m sure you’re being careful enough,” you assured him. The ointment larva soon emptied out, but you fortunately had another in your sylladex with the corresponding key to unlock it. “Though, in regards to your own well-being, I can’t really say the same.”

“It might have been my fault he got too hot. I was all wrapped around him while we slept. What if I didn’t wake up when I did?”

“Don’t concern yourself too much, John. He wasn’t overheating for nearly long enough for any damage, lasting or otherwise, to occur, and thinking about what could have happened would be unproductive.” You started applying ointment to the back of his neck.

“But still! I have to make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible,” he said, shivering slightly at the contact of the goop.

“Isn’t that what you’re already doing?”

“Yeah, but just look at him!” You did so, now noticing that the Mayor must’ve gestured for permission to feel Karkat’s stomach. After a few seconds, the Mayor jumped back in surprise and fell backwards in the process. Luckily, Sollux caught him with his psionics before he possibly hit his head on some rocks. Karkat was amused by the Mayor’s reaction, and even smiled for a second when the carapacian started flailing around excitedly.

“I just want him to smile like that fucking forever,” John continued. “I want him to be happy and healthy and have happy and healthy grubs and… ugh, I can’t stand it sometimes.” Both of his hands flew to his cheeks, proceeding to pull them down so his face looked droopy for a brief moment. “Kanaya, I’m addicted to Karkat’s smiles. They are my weakness.”

“I see-”

“No, Kanaya! You don’t _understand!_ I need his smiles and I think I will die if he ever stopped. I will shrivel up like a grape in the sun and be renamed John Raisinbert!”

His brief outburst caused you to pause your ministrations for a bit, because clearly, _someone’s_ pity humors were working in overdrive, and it only made your urge to pap continue to grow because he was being a bit much right now. He needed a grip, a grip that could be duly provided with an affectionate slap to the face accompanied by comforting words of assurance. Seriously, your hands were right there on either side of his head. You just had to move them a few inches in the proper direction and you’d be squishing his face and shooshing him until that grip he needed was successfully obtained.

You stopped and turned away from John, clenching a raised fist in front of your face because this was getting out of hand and you may, in fact, be the one who needed a grip.

“Uh, did you finish?” John asked, noticing that you motions ceased. You answered his question by noisily squeezing out another dollop of ointment, hoping he couldn’t tell how flustered you were by looking at your back. You took a deep, calming breath before returning to the task at hand. You just needed to stop thinking about all the things pertaining to the rampant series of quadrant frivolity with Kanaya Maryam and finish up applying larva lotion to John’s inflamed skin (which, sadly, only made him that much more pappable… guh).

“Alright, that’s about it,” you said, withdrawing a cloth to wipe your hands on. “It would probably be a good idea to wear some actual clothes while you’re in here.”

His body shifted as he stood, his god tier outfit appearing out of nowhere, the long hood collecting at his heels, as he was suddenly clothed.

“Thanks again!” he said cheerfully, patting you on your shoulder and beaming you a thankful smile that just _did things_. He floated across the room to join his matesprit, and you sighed almost (dare you say it) _wistfully_ as you watched him go.

“Wow,” Rose said loudly. You snapped around to see her right beside you, sipping something green out of a glass. “I don’t know what it is that he’s doing, but John has seduced, or is in the process of seducing, half the tenants on the meteor. And he’s not even noticing the effects on two out of three them.”

“How long have you been standing here?” you asked, embarrassed that she caught you acting in such a way. You didn’t even hear her come in. Were you really that distracted while tending to John’s breakout and battling feelings that may or may not be pale?

“Long enough,” she replied, smiling. She continued to smile at you until it started getting annoying. Then she did the eyebrow thing.

“Oh my god, I am pathetic,” you said into your palm. You shook your head, coming to the conclusion that John wasn’t the only one whose pity humors were functioning at maximum efficiency. “Tell me how pathetic I am. Don’t hold back, Rose, I can take your particularly brand of criticism.”

“Pathetic? No. Perhaps pitiful would be a more proper term for you,” Rose said, wrapping her arms around your waist. She leaned in further and rose to her toes to kiss you on the cheek, which you were awaiting immediately after you noticed her initiate the movement… that is, until you felt something cold splash against your hip. You both looked down at the wet soil and the couple of ice cubes around your feet, then to the now empty glass in her hand that was being held at an angle that wasn’t at all conducive to holding liquids.

“Rose, I think you spilled your soporific.”

There was a moment of silence to mourn her fallen beverage before she responded with a disappointed “whoops.”

 

**== > Dave: Check on the Mayor**

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering wizenedVisionary [WV].

TG: hey mr mayor  
TG: you alright because i havent seen you in a while  
TG: can town is looking pretty fuckin empty  
TG: the citizens are demanding to know where their favorite hard shelled office holder is and they are starting to freak out  
TG: come in mr mayor  
TG: first secretary bailiff and general office lackey strider paging the mayor  
TG: anarchy is encroaching and its only a matter of time before they start attacking city hall  
TG: and im the only one here holding the door and keeping back the flood of angry can town mob  
TG: i know im awesome and all but i can only do so much against our amazingly well trained militia  
TG: kinda shot myself in the foot by teaching them everything i know concerning roof ninjaness  
TG: come on dude are you okay  
TG: its hot as balls and i need to know that youre not laid out somewhere cooking in your carapace  
TG: like a lovable ebony lobster  
TG: which is really horrible image good god why did i even think about that  
WV: Hello, first secretary bailiff and general office lackey Dave. –IVI/-\Y()&  
TG: shit dude  
TG: you had me worried for a good sec  
TG: where the fuck are you  
WV: I’ve sojourned to the ectobiology lab. –IVI/-\Y()&  
WV: I hear tell that it is inexplicably hot outside of this room so I figured I should extend my visit. –IVI/-\Y()&  
TG: wait what  
TG: its cooler in there??   
TG: why wasnt i informed of this  
WV: My apologies. It wasn’t until recently that word concerning the temperature spike had reached me. –IVI/-\Y()&  
WV: I trust you and Terezi are handling the heat well? –IVI/-\Y()&  
TG: oh yeah im totally kicking this heats ass  
TG: fucking plus two to heat resistance  
TG: making all of the endurance checks no sweat  
TG: or with sweat rather  
WV: And Terezi? –IVI/-\Y()&  
TG: terezi is probably went to hide in a vent somewhere near the air conditioning unit so i figure shes fine  
WV: Why is our legislacerator in the vent? –IVI/-\Y()&  
TG: i dont fucking know its probably to avoid sollux because hes hellbent on burning her around the edges  
TG: its probably troll romance so whatever  
WV: As long as she’s having fun. –IVI/-\Y()&  
TG: i guess  
TG: so what are you up to dude  
WV: I have been currently involved in a coding lesson with Sollux for the past several hours after he recoded a game he received from John. –IVI/-\Y()&  
WV: He says that we can all play it soon. –IVI/-\Y()&  
TG: well thats cool but let me know next time  
TG: what kind of secretary would i be if i didnt know where my boss was  
TG: seriously what would i say if i got a call  
TG: sorry sir or madam the mayor cant take your call cuz i dont know where the hell he is right now  
TG: can i take a message  
TG: that would seem pretty damn unprofessional  
WV: I see what you mean. –IVI/-\Y()&  
WV: Did I get any messages, though? –IVI/-\Y()&  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: they had to cancel your carapace wax  
WV: Oh drat. –IVI/-\Y()&  
WV: I suppose it all works out since I can’t very well receive a proper waxing in Ms. Kanaya’s lovely terrarium. –IVI/-\Y()&  
WV: Much too dirty. –IVI/-\Y()&  
TG: that and the fact that all the wax melted and i nearly cracked my skull open after stepping in a puddle of it  
WV: By the by, I am about to test out my first program. Would you like to attend the “cutting of the ribbon?” –IVI/-\Y()&  
TG: sure dude im already on the way now to get my chill on in some climate controlled coolness  
WV: Excellent! While I wait I shall do a preliminary test run. –IVI/-\Y()&  
WV: First test! –IVI/-\Y()&

wizenedVisionary’s [WZ] computer exploded. 

TG: holy fucking shit

The next few seconds were nothing but a blur, but you knew it involved a very speedy trip to the ectobiology lab and the grabbing of a fire extinguisher on the way because shit, there could be a fucking fire.

You didn’t even let yourself finish appearifying on the transportalizer pad before you started spraying your anti-fire stuff all over the place. The extinguisher was emptied, and there were no obvious signs of flames. Mission accomplished. 

“This time wasn’t my fault,” Karkat yelled, raising both palms to absolve himself while John (now fully clothed, thank god) fussed over him, wiping foam off of both himself and his boyfriend. The Mayor poked his head out of a pile of white, and you were relieved to see his carapace continued its protective infallibility.

Needless to say, a certain gay vampire wasn’t particularly happy with the situation, whilst everyone else pretty much continued to blink their confusion away. In your defense, you pointed at the bit of smoke where the computer exploded. Even though there _was_ a fire, tiny as it was, you ran anyway.

 

 **== > Meteor Gang: Play Ghostbusters**

Sollux has killed Terezi.  
SOLLUX: eheheheh.  
TEREZI: HMPH >:/  
DAVE: dude so not cool  
DAVE: how am i supposed to rack up points if you keep killing my partner  
SOLLUX: that’s not my pr0blem.  
TEREZI: 4V3NG3 M3 COOLK1D!!!  
Dave has killed Sollux.  
TEREZI: Y3S! >:]  
KARKAT: THEN ALLOW ME THE HONOR OF EXPLAINING WHAT YOUR PROBLEM REALLY IS.  
KARKAT: I DON’T CLAIM TO BE THE EXPERT ON THIS SUBJECT, BUT I’M PRETTY FUCKING SURE THAT YOU ASSHOLES ARE MISSING THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE GAME.  
KARKAT: IT IS CALLED GHOSTBUSTERS.  
KARKAT: NOT RUN AROUND TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER WHILE GREEN ECTOPLASMIC ENTITIES TERRORIZE THE LOCALS TO THE POINT OF SHITTING THEIR POORLY RENDERED PANTS.  
SOLLUX: that’s the entire reason i m0dded the game, this way’s a lot m0re fun.  
KARKAT: IF YOU STILL CONSIDER LOSING FUN.  
Rose has captured a ghost! Team GregariousTacticians gains a point!  
KARKAT: LOOK AT THAT!  
KARKAT: WE’RE BEHIND ROSE AND THE MAYOR!  
KARKAT: QUIT TRYING TO CAMP TEREZI AND GO SUCK UP SOME FUCKING GHOSTS!  
KANAYA: Someone Remind Me Which Key To Press In Order To Deploy The Ghost Capturing Device  
DAVE: x  
SOLLUX: g.  
Kanaya has captured a ghost! Team TransylvaniaTricksters gains a point!  
KANAYA: I Think It Says A Lot About You Two When I Press An Unsuggested Key And Get The Desired Result  
KARKAT: THAT’S BECAUSE THESE MORONS ARE HUGE LOSERS WHO HAVE TO MISLEAD THE LESS EXPERIENCED PLAYERS IN ORDER TO WIN.  
KARKAT: EXCEPT IT’S NOT WORKING.  
SOLLUX: kk, how can y0u talk about y0ur own team mate like that.  
SOLLUX: i'm insulted.  
KARKAT: YOU DO A GOOD ENOUGH JOB INSULTING YOURSELF WITH YOUR CAMPY PLAY TACTICS.  
KARKAT: YOU CAUGHT ONE FUCKING GHOST THIS ENTIRE ROUND.  
KARKAT: THIS IS RIDICULOUS AND I’M TIRED OF PULLING YOUR BIFURCATED WEIGHT JUST TO LOSE A LITTLE LESS HORRIBLY.  
KARKAT: HENCEFORTH, WE ARE GOING TO LOSE COMPLETELY, BECAUSE I GIVE UP!  
John and Karkat have crossed beams!  
John has died.  
Karkat has died.  
KARKAT: WHAT…  
JOHN: oh! shit…  
KARKAT: JUST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?  
KARKAT: I HAD THAT GHOST RIGHT WHERE I WANTED HIM BEFORE YOU WALTZED ON DOWN AND BRAINLESSLY RUINED EVERYTHING, INTERRUPTING THE CATCHING OF THE LAST GHOST BEFORE MY TOTAL RELINQUISHMENT OF EFFORT.  
KARKAT: THAT IS UNFORGIVEABLE.  
JOHN: sorry, i wasn’t paying very much attention.  
KANAYA: Your Head Doesnt Seem To Be In The Game  
KANAYA: Like Karkat I Am Also Surprised Rose And The Mayor Have Pulled Ahead Of Everyone In Terms Of Ghosts Captured  
KARKAT: IN ADDITION THE FACT THAT YOU CROSSED BEAMS WITH ME AFTER THAT WHOLE NEVER ENDING SLEW OF DUMB JOKES ABOUT NOT DOING JUST THAT AFTER WE WATCHED THE HORRIBLE MOVIE THIS GAME WAS BASED ON.  
DAVE: i thought crossing each others beams was totally your thing  
Karkat has killed Dave.  
DAVE: ow  
DAVE: terezi avenge your fallen team mate  
TEREZI: YOU K1ND4 H4D TH4T ON3 COM1NG!  
DAVE: really feeling the love here terezi  
DAVE: fuckin drowning in it  
JOHN: i'm… a little preoccupied right now.  
Rose has captured a ghost! Team GregariousTacticians gains a point!  
JOHN: i was just wondering about names.  
KARKAT: AGAIN?  
KARKAT: WHY ARE SO WORRIED ABOUT NAMES?  
KANAYA: Yes You Are Putting Much Effort Into Unsuccessfully Selecting Names For Your Progeny  
KANAYA: Perhaps You Should Wait Until They Are Old Enough To Properly Receive Them  
JOHN: as an expecting parent, it’s my job to worry about them!  
JOHN: its like the first serious responsibility that will shape their young lives!  
KARKAT: WE SHOULD JUST GIVE THEM NUMBERS AND CALL IT A DAY.  
JOHN: god, no!  
John has captured a ghost! Team TransylvaniaTricksters gains a point!  
JOHN: do you WANT them to grow up and have people ask them why their name is a number?  
JOHN: then have them respond: “bluuuuh, my parents were huge lame asses, is all!”  
JOHN: i don’t know about you, but i don’t want my kids to think i’m a lame ass.  
JOHN: at least most of the time, hehe.  
KARKAT: I HONESTLY DON’T SEE A PROBLEM WITH THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE, INDEED, A LAME ASS.  
DAVE: have to agree with myrtle right there  
SOLLUX: yeah, y0u’re pretty lame.  
TEREZI: SOOOO L4M3  
JOHN: wow, fuck all of you!  
KARKAT: I JUST DON’T SEE HOW NAMING THEM IS ALL THAT HARD.  
KARKAT: OR AT ALL IMPORTANT.  
Karkat has captured a ghost! Team TwinbulgedGuerillas gains a point!  
JOHN: alright, if it’s so easy, what would you name them?  
KARKAT: THIS IS WHAT I’D NAME THEM IF IT WERE UP TO ME.  
Terezi has killed Sollux.  
SOLLUX: fuck!  
TEREZI: NOT TH1S T1M3 APPL3B3RRY! >;]  
KARKAT: PREPARE TO STAND IN AWE AND ABJECT HORROR OF THE NAMES I WILL GIVE THESE THINGS.  
KARKAT: ARE YOU PREPARED, YET?  
JOHN: yes, i’m perfectly prepared. i have cushions situated at all four cardinal directions relative to my position in case i fall when you drop your AMAZING BABY NAMES and i get a heart attack from their sheer monumentality.  
KARKAT: WE HAVE GUT SHOVER WHO IS CONSTANTLY WIGGLING AGAINST MY STOMACH SAC.  
KARKAT: THEN WE HAVE THIS LITTLE FUCKER OVER HERE WHO SHALL BE REFERRED TO AS FILTER BEAN HUMPER.  
JOHN: oh geez…  
DAVE: the hell is a filter bean  
ROSE: The troll equivalent of a kidney.  
DAVE: oh   
DAVE: derp  
SOLLUX: what kind of 0rgan name is kidney?  
TEREZI: R1GHT?  
TEREZI: HUM4N ORG4N T3RMS DONT DO 4 GOOD JOB D3SCR1B1NG TH31R FUNCT1ONS  
KARKAT: SHUT THE HELL UP, I’M TRYING TO CHRISTEN THE NEXT GOD DAMN GENERATION HERE, WHICH IS APPARENTLY A BIG FUCKING DEAL.  
KARKAT: NOW WHERE WAS I? RIGHT.  
KARKAT: THERE’S THE TWO UPPERMOST ONES WHO APPEAR TO BE IN A PERPETUAL RACE TO BE THE FIRST TO SUCCESSFULLY CLAMBER INTO MY RIB CAGE, NOT GIVING A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING THEY BUMP INTO ON THE WAY UP.  
JOHN: that doesn’t sound pleasant.  
KARKAT: NEWSFLASH!  
KARKAT: IT ISN’T.  
KARKAT: THEIR NAMES ARE PENDING ON WHO WINS, AND THEY WILL BE ASSIGNED ACCORDINGLY.  
KARKAT: AND WORST OF ALL IS THIS ONE DOWN HERE, WHO I THINK IS TRYING HAVE ITS WAY WITH MY BLADDER.   
KARKAT: IT SHALL BE KNOWN HENCEFORTH AS PISS MONGER.  
JOHN: after hearing those, all I can conclude is that you are the absolute worst at names and i’d hate to have you as my parent.  
KARKAT: WELL ISN’T THAT CONVENIENT! I’D HATE TO BE YOUR PARENT!  
Dave has captured a ghost! GrossGesticulators gains a point!  
KARKAT: UGH.  
KARKAT: SOLLUX, THIS GAME SUCKS AND THE PERIGEE YOU SPENT RECODING IT HAS BEEN A WASTE OF YOUR VAST AMOUNTS OF FREE TIME.   
KARKAT: AND THE FACT THAT YOU ARE ONLY PLAYING TO HARRY TEREZI IS MAKING MY BRAIN SPONGE MELT DOWN INTO MY STOMACH SO GUT SHOVER CAN EJECT IT ONTO EVERYTHING WITHIN FIFTEEN FEET IN FRONT OF ME.  
SOLLUX: gross.  
KARKAT: YOU’RE GROSS.  
JOHN: is there really no name you’d want to give the babies?  
JOHN: you are the mom… er… dad… whatever you want to be called, so your say is arguably the most important!  
Karkat has captured a ghost! Team TwinbulgedGuerillas gains a point!  
KARKAT: MAN, I DUNNO.  
KARKAT: I DON’T PUT MUCH THOUGHT INTO NAMING SHIT.  
SOLLUX: that’s funny, because y0u were pretty eager to name 0ur team something c0mpletely ridiculous.  
KARKAT: SHUT UP, THAT’S DIFFERENT.  
KANAYA: Do Humans Have Some Sort Of Protocol When Naming Their Offspring  
JOHN: um, not really? i think we just name them whatever we like.  
DAVE: unless it will get them beat up at school but that surely hasnt stopped some people  
JOHN: that too!  
JOHN: oh! and sometimes people name them after themselves. they just tack on a junior and they instantly become a senior.  
TEREZI: TH4T SOUNDS R34LLY N4RC1C1ST1C  
TEREZI: BUT CUT3!  
TEREZI: K4RK4T JUN1OR G3TS MY VOT3!  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T GET A VOTE MADAME LUSH LICKS.  
KARKAT: NAMING THEM AFTER ME OR YOU, JOHN… JUST SOUNDS LIKE IT WOULD MAKE THINGS STUPIDLY CONFUSING.  
JOHN: maybe…  
JOHN: people also name them after other people they like!  
JOHN: friends, other family, and even movie stars!  
KARKAT: FRIENDS ARE OUT, BECAUSE YOU’RE ALL HORRIBLE.  
TEREZI: H3Y!  
DAVE: harsh  
KANAYA: I Feel I Should Be Offended  
JOHN: do you have favorite troll movie stars?  
JOHN: i definitely know you have a thing for troll will smith! B)  
KARKAT: I CAN’T REALLY USE THAT THOUGH.  
JOHN: i guess, since it’s his actor name and not six letters…  
JOHN: we would have to screw with the spelling.  
DAVE: whats wrong with it  
JOHN: troll names have to be six letters.  
JOHN: it’s one of the reasons it is taking me so much effort to choose at least 10!  
DAVE: i think im out of the loop here  
DAVE: why do they have to be six letters  
ROSE: It appears Dave doesn’t know that it is standard for trolls to have six letter names.  
JOHN: seriously?  
TEREZI: D4V3!!!  
TEREZI: I 4M D1S4PPO1NT3D 1N YOU!  
TEREZI: TH1S 1S B4S1C KNOWL3DG3!  
DAVE: dont you dare tell me that i was supposed to gather that little factoid just from the number of trolls im aware of who just so happen to have six letter names  
DAVE: i can count you assholes on one fucking hand  
DAVE: thats like making the stupid assumption that all humans have four letter names because of me john and rose  
SOLLUX: y0u mean you d0n’t? that’s news to me.  
DAVE: oh my god  
JOHN: looks like sollux needs to join you and retake some alien cross-culture classes, huh, dave?  
DAVE: you can go and shut right the hell up  
DAVE: how does something like that even pop up in normal conversation  
ROSE: It helps that John and I immersed ourselves in various works of troll literature that we’ve read over the past couple years.  
DAVE: so you guys read a bunch of porn and suddenly know everything about troll culture  
DAVE: gotcha   
DAVE: i deeply apologize for not burying myself in alien smut the past couple years  
DAVE: terezi take me to the gallows so i may atone for my negligence  
JOHN: but really, though, I find out that you don’t know something about trolls every time I turn around!  
JOHN: talk about oblivious!  
Terezi has captured a ghost! GrossGesticulators gains a point!  
DAVE: wha  
DAVE: did you JUST  
DAVE: YOU of all people  
DAVE: i cannot BELIEVE  
ROSE: Complete your statements, Dave.  
DAVE: ill complete HIS statement  
Dave has killed John.  
JOHN: ooooh someone’s a little butthurt!  
KARKAT: NERVE FUCKING HIT!  
DAVE: you can go join your boyfriend in respawn hell  
Dave has killed Karkat.  
KARKAT: SHIT!  
JOHN: hello darling, so glad you can join me in respawn hell. enjoying your stay?  
KARKAT: OH, YOU MEAN THIS TEMPORARY STATE OF GLORIOUS SATISFACTION DERIVED FROM SOMEONE STEALING DAVE’S GOAT?  
KARKAT: IT’S OKAY I GUESS.  
JOHN: don’t worry, i'll share his goat with you!  
KARKAT: THAT MAKES THESE NEXT TEN SECONDS MARGINALLY BETTER.  
JOHN: who doesn’t love goats??  
DAVE: wow you guys really know how to take the victory away from rage killing someone with recoded ghost lasers  
TheMayor has captured a ghost! Team GregariousTacticians gains a point!  
DAVE: geez mr mayor where the fuck did you come from  
DAVE: i had that ghost before you just swooped in and swiped it right from under my nose  
Round over! Winners: team GregariousTacticians  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, I’M DONE.  
KARKAT: JOHN.  
JOHN: sup?  
KARKAT: I DEMAND PHYSICAL INTIMACY.  
JOHN: physical intimacy, huh?  
JOHN: be more specific!  
KARKAT: HOW FUCKING SPECIFIC DO YOU NEED ME TO BE?  
JOHN: duh, there are SO MANY kinds of physical intimacy available for sale!  
JOHN: foot massage, cuddles, making out, the full sex… you know!  
JOHN: take your pick, and i assure you that all services are reasonably priced. ;)  
KARKAT: OKAY FINE.  
KARKAT: I DEMAND THE FULL SEX, BECAUSE HOW DO YOU EVEN OFFER THAT AND EXPECT ME TO CHOOSE ANYTHING LESS?  
JOHN: well alright then!  
KARKAT: I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO PUT IN THAT I WANT IT TO BE VERY AGGRESSIVE.  
KARKAT: LIKE FUCK ME INTO THE WALL AGGRESSIVE.  
KARKAT: I WANT TO BE SO SORE THAT I CAN’T EVEN WALK THE FOLLOWING DAY.  
DAVE: (are they really having this conversation)  
ROSE: (Yes, they are really having this conversation.)  
JOHN: uh  
JOHN: do you think that’s a good idea to do in your condition?  
KARKAT: WHY WOULDN’T IT BE?  
JOHN: you’re getting kinda close to your fourth quarter, and it’s not really recommended that we do that kind of stuff around that time.  
JOHN: especially the rough stuff.  
JOHN: and what about the babies?  
KARKAT: WHAT ABOUT THEM?  
JOHN: just think about it!  
KARKAT: I’D RATHER NOT.  
KARKAT: IT’S KINDA THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT OF THE ACTIVITY.  
JOHN: if we go super rough they’ll be jostled around all violently and will probably be like, OMG WHAT IS GOING ON!!??!?  
JOHN: can you even imagine traumatizing them before they’re even born??  
JOHN: we’ll have plenty of chances to do that afterwards.  
KARKAT: DAMMIT JOHN   
KARKAT: ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN SEX FOREVER?  
SOLLUX: (im surprised it hasn’t already, cuz i think it’s been ruined f0r me twice over.)  
TEREZI: (SOLLUX QU1T B31NG 4 W1GGL3R >;])   
JOHN: hahaha, oh please. as if that is a thing that could happen.  
KARKAT: … OKAY YOU’RE RIGHT.  
KARKAT: BUT SERIOUSLY DON’T MAKE ME THINK ABOUT PAILING AND WHAT THESE FREELOADERS MIGHT BE FEELING DURING SAID PAILING.  
KARKAT: IT’S FUCKING WEIRD, AND I ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS TRYING NOT TO THINK ABOUT THEM EVERY HALF HOUR WHEN ONE DECIDES TO DO A FULL FUCKING BODY SLAM INTO SOME UNFORTUNATELY PLACED ORGAN.   
JOHN: hehehe  
KARKAT: I’LL BE WAITING, CLAD IN NOTHING, BUT ARTFULLY DRAPED IN YOUR DUMB BED SHEETS AND PRACTICING MY SEDUCTIVE EYEBROW WAGGLE TO TEASE YOUR PERVERTED OCULARS.  
JOHN: oooh seductively waggling karkat eyebrows!  
JOHN: now i simply have no other choice!  
John has left the room.  
Karkat has left the room.  
SOLLUX: what are th0se two trying t0 do, recreate the entire species by themselves?  
SOLLUX: it’s like they’re d0ing it like hopbeasts in heat.  
KANAYA: I Think Its Good For Karkat To Enjoy Himself While He Can  
KANAYA: But Its Really None Of Our Business  
TEREZI: WH4TS TH3 PO1NT OF H4V1NG A HOT M4T3SPR1T 1F YOU C4NT DO THOS3 K1ND OF TH1NGS 4NYW4Y?  
TEREZI: 3SP3C14LLY W1TH 4LL THOS3 L1TTL3 P3RKS OF H1S COND1T1ON TH4T M4K3 P41L1NG SO MUCH MOR3 CONV3N13NT!  
SOLLUX: h0w can ANYTHING caused by his “conditi0n” be considered a perk?  
SOLLUX: and im being fucking seri0us here.  
TEREZI: L3T M3 LOOK 4T MY NOT3S!  
DAVE: tell me you seriously dont have fucking notes  
TEREZI: H3H3H3  
DAVE: and she takes out fucking notes  
DAVE: dear god  
SOLLUX: why the hell do y0u have notes?  
TEREZI: WHY WOULDNT 1?  
TEREZI: TH1S 1NFORMAT1ON 1S COMPL3T3LY UNPR3C3D3NT3D 4ND R3QU1R3S MOR3 TH4N JUST 4 F3W HUM4NS 4ND 4 P41R OF FUSSY F4NGS TO 4BSORB!  
KANAYA: I Was Unaware You Were So Interested In The Subject  
TEREZI: OF COURS3!  
TEREZI: WHY DO YOU TH1NK 1 PUT SO MUCH 3FFORT 1NTO M3SS1NG W1TH K4RK4T?  
DAVE: boredom  
ROSE: Ennui.  
KANAYA: Nothing Better To Occupy Your Time With  
SOLLUX: 0ne of y0ur many sick obsessi0ns.  
TEREZI: OH COM3 ON!  
TEREZI: S1NC3 WH3N DO 1 JUST DO TH1NGS B3C4US3 1M BOR3D?  
DAVE: hold on let me get my notes  
TEREZI: D4V3  
TEREZI: YOU DONT H4V3 NOT3S  
DAVE: ok so i dont have notes  
DAVE: but you do a lot of shit because youre bored  
DAVE: so much shit  
DAVE: all of your shit is driven by boredom  
TEREZI: OK4Y 1 4DM1T 1 W4S 4 L1TTL3 BOR3D  
TEREZI: BUT TH4T W4S ONLY ON3 OF M4NY R34SONS 1 4SSUR3 YOU  
TEREZI: SO SHOOSH SO W3 C4N G3T B4CK ON TOP1C!  
SOLLUX: wo0.  
TEREZI: TH3 B1G TH1NG 1S TH4T TH3R3S NO G3N3T1C M4T3R1AL DUR1NG TH3 PR3GN4NCY P3R1OD!  
SOLLUX: whoa, really?  
SOLLUX: i guess that w0uld be pretty sweet.  
TEREZI: 1 4GR33!  
TEREZI: 4ND 4PP4R3NTLY SOM3 TROLLS 3XP3R1ENC3 4 NOT1C34BL3 D3CR34S3 1N TH31R R3FR4CTORY P3R1OD DU3 TO TH3 3N3RGY S4V3D FROM TH3 L4CK OF M4T3R1AL!  
SOLLUX: also pretty sweet, and c0uld explain why kk wants to get laid s0 often.  
TEREZI: H3H3H3  
TEREZI: LOTS OF TH1NGS CH4NG3 DUR1NG TH1S P3R1OD SO 1 WOULDN’T B3 TH3 L34ST B1T SURPR1S3D 1F K4RKL3S 1S 4 L1TTL3 4DD1CT3D >;]  
SOLLUX: eheheh, g0tta get his regular bulge fix before he gets the shakes.  
TEREZI: 1M SUR3 H1S PROV1D3R 1S MOR3 TH4N GL4D TO H3LP W1TH TH4T!  
DAVE: (why does it feel like i just walked into pregnant troll sex-ed class crossed with a backwards d.a.r.e. seminar)  
DAVE: (i neither paid nor signed up for this shit)  
ROSE: (Consider it complements of the house, and just enjoy the influx of knowledge.)  
DAVE: (waiter take these back i dont want em)  
ROSE: (Returns are not accepted here.)  
ROSE: (Embrace the xenobiology.)  
DAVE: (never)  
DAVE: so how about this ghostbusters game guys  
DAVE: shall we start up another round and forget that the past ten minutes of conversation ever happened  
KANAYA: We Will Need To Reconfigure The Teams Since Two Of Our Players Have Absconded  
KANAYA: Sollux For The Sake Of Simplicity Would You Like To Team Up  
SOLLUX: sure, whatever.   
SOLLUX: 0h, oh, wait!  
SOLLUX: let’s activate the expl0ding ghost feature i put in.  
DAVE: whazzat  
SOLLUX: s0me ghosts will expl0de when we capture them  
DAVE: like special ghosts  
SOLLUX: no, s0me ghosts just randomly expl0de.  
DAVE: any markers that indicate the event  
SOLLUX: nope, unless y0u count the expl0sion.   
SOLLUX: but by then it’s to0 late, eheheheh.  
DAVE: thats really fucking stupid  
SOLLUX: that’s the point.  
DAVE: no its like  
DAVE: you spend copious amounts of time and unnecessary effort to wrangle this asshole mass of green slime  
DAVE: you got him where you want him  
DAVE: the traps in place  
DAVE: you press that motherfuckin button and watch your score  
DAVE: waiting for it to increase by one point  
DAVE: then BOOM  
DAVE: the what the fucks will fly amongst the digital pink mist of what used to be your character  
DAVE: and confusion will run rampant because you did exactly what you were supposed to do  
DAVE: you dont just die when successfully completing the objective  
DAVE: thats motherfuckin FAKE difficulty son  
SOLLUX: s0 no expl0ding ghosts?  
DAVE: thats not what i said  
DAVE: boot that shit up and lets see who explodes first  
TEREZI: BOYS 4ND TH31R 3XPLOD1NG G4M3S!


	30. Troll Reproduction for Assholes Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for not updating in a while! Got stuck in ART MODE and I couldnt switch into WRITING MODE to update this fic. I've been sitting on this troll reproduction for assholes entry for a while so, i finally found the opportunity to finish it up. I'll definitely try to get back into updating this.

**== > Read section of relevance**

**Troll Reproduction Part 2: Section VI: Hate and Pity**

Any troll worth the metamorphic slime they pupated in should know that feelings of intense hate and pity, despite being fostered in arguably opposing ways based on the individual, both release hormones specific to each emotion. Though their production is triggered by their own respective sets of emotions, they both serve purposes pertaining to reproduction.

In the mothergrub system, both hormones alter the slurries to increase the odds of stronger genes showing in the next brood. (How that even works, even I don’t know, but all the experts I consulted say it is so despite the disappointing lack of evidence. Please look in the sources section to find the proper recipients of any existing _“duuuuuuh, I don’t fucking get it”_ correspondences.) From this bit of knowledge, one would logically expect that couples who experience stronger matespritships and kismessitudes would create more viable buckets of bodily fluids.

That said, we shall move our collective asses to the method of reproduction this section is _supposed to be about_. (The above paragraph can also be found in the first part of this book. I merely reiterated it because I know 99% of my readers are shit-heads with little to no reading comprehension combined with the memories of three week old caterpillar rectums).

Firstly, pity hormones, the hell do they do?

Similarly to the mothergrub method, a large amount of pity hormones positively affects the outcome in nearly all regards to troll pregnancy. Even before the pregnancy begins, having strong flushed relations increases the odds of a troll becoming successfully fertilized during their season. On average, it takes even the most fertile rust bloods around three pailings to successfully make a clutch due to the incongruous nature of the free-floating slurry genes. Pity hormones lead to higher success rates due to allowing all gametes to more easily attract the necessary components to become a fully fertilized troll egg. 

How that really works? Well, you got me.

Those who know anything about this crap disagree on the specifics, but a prevailing theory is that the hormones cause greater attraction and easier locating of necessary genes. On a more explainable venue, stronger flushed relations positively affect the number of eggs released during the act, often resulting in larger clutches and more eggs to be fertilized at all. For those who can’t keep up, the latter obviously means a high amount of eggs will more frequently mean at least one of the fuckers will turn into a prospective troll.

During the actual pregnancy, higher levels of pity hormones also increase the odds of the eggs being viable and surviving until hatching. This fact was more reliably proven, unlike the former. The eggs are very susceptible to stress that the mother troll is experiencing while they are being held in the genetichamber, and an influx of pity hormones helps to normalize and reduce that stress on them. Reducing the stress on the mother is also a good for the clutch’s health, so having a halfway decent moirail is useful to alleviate the carrier’s stress levels (and prevent any impending dangers).

So basically, both the pale and the flushed quadrants are very important for a successful clutch. It’s actually rare for a troll to have a successful pregnancy, let alone get pregnant in the first god damn place, without at least one of these quadrants filled. 

As for hate hormones, the exact reverse is true. While it (supposedly) makes stronger genes in genetic slurry more dominant, hate hormones are detrimental to the process of a troll laying their own eggs. 

Simply put, it fucking kills the clutch. Just as pity hormones alleviate stress, hate hormones stress them out. 

It is believed that it has evolved in a way to keep populations controlled, since all individuals have the potential of having multiple offspring every season, thus trolls could very easily become too numerous during very prolific sweeps. Theory number two suggests that hate hormones play a role in natural selection by killing off weaker offspring before they even leave the chamber, which can be argued as a backwards way of doing what it was intended to do for the mothergrub method. However, it’s more often than not that entire clutches are lost if an expecting troll indulges in too many hate trysts. 

In any case, that is where having a good auspistice would come in handy. Even the healthiest of kismesitudes could prove fatal for the eggs, so if avoidance is too big of an issue during pregnancy, temporary auspistices should be found to improve the health of the clutch and reduce risk to the carrying troll. Vascillation is also an option, albeit risky since it can easily flip back to kismesitude if the hate is strong between the trolls.

 

**== > Turn to “An Asshole’s Glossary”**

**pity hormones** : Weird brain juice that flows through your veins when experiencing intense feelings of pity. Beneficial to all gross reproductive processes.

 **hate hormones** : Just as weird brain juice that flows through your veins when experiencing intense feelings of hate. Only beneficial to mothergrub reproduction. Detrimental to troll-only reproduction.

**== >**

KARKAT: OKAY, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT AND WHAT DO YOU PLAN ON DOING WITH IT?  
KANAYA: It Is Merely A Special Larva Cream To Help Alleviate Any Discomfort To The Skin It Is Applied To  
KANAYA: You Have Been Growing Quite A Bit In A Short Amount Of Time  
KANAYA: And Your Newest Barrage Of Complaints Confirms Your Need For Its Application   
KANAYA: It Is Basically The Same Product I Used For Johns Allergic Reaction So I Figured We Should Try It After My Inspection  
KARKAT: HAVE I REALLY BEEN COMPLAINING THAT MUCH?   
KANAYA: I Wouldnt Know For Sure  
KANAYA: Your Matesprit Mentioned It Sometime Earlier So I Figured You Would Benefit From Its Use  
KARKAT: SPEAKING OF THAT LUNK, WHAT’S UP WITH HIM ANYWAY?   
KARKAT: HE’S ALL WEIRD AND MORE GOOGILY-EYED THAN USUAL AFTER HIS LATEST READING OF THAT BOOK.   
KARKAT: AND IT’S ACCOMPANIED BY THIS AIR OF SMUGNESS THAT IS BOTH CONFUSING AND INFURIATING BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT’S DIRECTED.   
KARKAT: I CAN’T HELP BUT THINK THAT HE LEARNED SOMETHING AMUSING ABOUT MY BIOLOGY THAT I’M NOT PRIVY TOO AND I’M FINDING THE PROSPECT CREEPY AS FUCK.   
KANAYA: Perhaps You Should Alleviate His Advantage By Reading The Book Too  
KARKAT: FUCK THAT.   
KANAYA: Then I Dont Know What To Tell You  
KANAYA: Do You Happen To Know The Latest Section He Has Read  
KARKAT: I THINK IT WAS ABOUT HATE AND PITY.   
KANAYA: Ah  
KARKAT: WHAT, DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING?   
KANAYA: I Do  
KARKAT: THEN SPILL!   
KARKAT: I DON’T APPRECIATE BEING LEFT IN THE DARK.   
KARKAT: I’VE ALREADY SPENT THE LAST FEW PERIGEES WANDERING AROUND IN INTENSELY AGGRAVATING LIGHTLESSNESS DUE TO FORCES BEYOND MY GOD DAMN CONTROL.   
KANAYA: He Is Deriving A Sense Of Satisfaction   
KANAYA: Or Possibly Validation  
KANAYA: Of The Bond Between The Two Of You After Becoming Aware Of The Implications Of Your Situation  
KARKAT: … I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS OR HOW ANYTHING IN THat BOOK WOULD RELATE TO THAT.   
KANAYA: Because You Didnt Read It  
KARKAT: AND WHY WOULD HE CARE SO MUCH? IS IT SOME SORT OF HUMAN THING THAT I’M BLISSFULLY UNAWARE OF?   
KANAYA: I Wouldnt Think It Was An Exclusively Human Thing   
KANAYA: Oh   
KANAYA: And Brace Yourself  
KARKAT: OW WHAT THE HELL????   
KARKAT: WHY IS THIS STUFF BURNING?!?   
KANAYA: It Does That  
KANAYA: That Means Its Working

**Author's Note:**

>  **Note to readers, both new and old** : This story is officially CAUGHT UP with its posting on the kink meme! However, I have decided that new updates will be posted on the kink meme (see link in beginning notes of chapter one) and on my main tumblr (verzisphere.tumblr.com), so people who dislike/can't read the kinkmeme can read it there if they are feeling impatient. The reason is that, for the sake of neatness and consistency, and trying to avoid this thing becoming a bajilliion chapters, I will not update this Ao3 mirror until I consolidate enough parts to make a decently lengthed chapter. My usual way of updating ranges from a very small update to very long, depending on how much I get done in the span of a week or two (I self impose deadlines to help me get stuff done), and one chapter of this fic here on Ao3 is actually composed of 3 or more updates that I've written for the kink meme. So yeah, I hope the way I do things isn't too difficult! Thank you for reading.
> 
> P.S. for my blog, the tags for anything related to this story would be "because humans' can swim!" (lengthy, i know), and actual updates will be tagged "BHCS update"


End file.
